Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 14
Last time on Harry Potter and the Undulating Derrière, there was no sign of a plot until the very last scene. Because Hogwarts Exposed.
“Aren’t you coming?” Jamie shouted as she made to run for the castle.
“I want to talk to Evan first,” Caitlin said, indicating the diminutive first year Gryffindor boy that was standing nearby. Evan already appeared to be soaked to the skin by the heavy rain.
Caitlin and Evan exchanged quick looks and then both sprinted toward the shelter of the nearby building. They didn’t speak until the door had closed behind them.
“My socks and trainers are soaked,” Caitlin complained, as she led the way to the girls’ locker room.
The use of the Quidditch changing rooms as a plot device is carried over from Psychic Serpent, where in the second fic Harry and AU!Ginny take shelter from a magical snowstorm and end up shagging. To say it's better than this is an understatement.
“I can’t go in there,” Evan said shyly, pointing to the sign on the door.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Caitlin said, grabbing his hand and pulling him through the door. “No one is here but you and I.”
“But what if someone catches me in the girls’ changing room?” Evan pleaded.
“They won’t,” Caitlin said reassuringly. “You and I are the only two people crazy enough to be out of the castle in this weather.”
Which is incredibly convenient on the one hand, but on the other it's at least something that the author acknowledges that running around starkers in bad weather isn't such a good idea.
Caitlin sat on a nearby bench and began to remove her trainers and socks.
“How come your costume didn’t get wet?” Evan asked. “My clothes are sodden.”
“That’s because I don’t actually have the costume on, it’s in reality only a concealment charm. Watch!” Caitlin said, canceling the charm.
Yes, just tell random first-years about the concealment charm. There's no way that could possibly go wrong.
This was the type of fantasy teenage boys often dreamed of. Here he was, not even twelve and about to…. Could he actually do this? Could he really expose his little boy body to this beautiful girl?
As if able to read his mind, Caitlin took Evan’s hand in hers. “Being a nudist has a lot of advantages,” she said. “I’ve seen a multitude of men and boys naked. Nudity to me is really no big deal. I’ve also learned that physical appearance is only part of the package.
So to speak. Anyway, moving swiftly on, they take a shower and then she asks him to the New Year's Yule Ball because... fuck if I know. I can't remember a bloody thing about this guy, and not just because I've been gone for a while - he's a nonentity even for a Hogwarts Exposed character. We're told he's very nice, but this just seems to manifest as him not taking advantage of her in the shower, which should be the absolute bare minimum of acceptable behaviour. We cut to another happy couple, but it's Ginny and Draco in the hospital wing.
“No doubt about it, young lady,” Madam Pomfrey said excitedly. “You are definitely with child. We will be able to calculate the due date more precisely after I ask you a few questions, but I’d estimate mid July.”
Ginny beamed as she looked adoringly at Draco. “You sure didn’t waste any time, Mister.”
I wonder if the kid was conceived during the scene where Ginny told Draco about Ron's dick. Anyway, they decide to find out if it's a boy or a girl, and it turns out that Pomfrey needs to stick her wand up there because Hogwarts Exposed. Alastor Moody would not approve.
“This won’t hurt at all,” Poppy said as she prepared her wand by slipping a sanitary sleeve on the end. “I only have to insert it a few inches. Please drop your knickers, lift up you skirt, sit on the end of the table and spread your legs.”
Now you'd think that's an odd limitation considering what magical sensing has been able to do in canon, this fic and the fics it's derived from, but whatever. The wand emits pink sparks (thankfully after she takes it out) and by a plot twist it turns out that the spell was developed back when it was still associated with boys. Only kidding.
After depositing Ben with Sam and Ron, they hastened to the Headmaster’s office. Harry promptly gave the password to the stone gargoyle. He and Hermione reached the top of the spiraling staircase just as Tonks and Shacklebolt finished removing their rain gear. One look at the solemn expressions on the Aurors’ faces, and they knew that this most definitely wasn’t a social call.
It's still not clear how Harry first met Tonks and Kingsley in the HE!verse, because it references the events of the first Psychic Serpent fic for fifth year, but in other ways references the events of Order of the Phoenix as though there was no contradiction. So we had, for instance, Draco dating Ginny and simultaneously hunting her and the others down for Umbridge. It makes the backstory and hence Hogwarts Exposed itself an even bigger confused mess than it already was. And it makes no difference, because aside from one very minor characterisation moment:
“This!” Shacklebolt said, withdrawing a partially written letter from his pocket. “While I was listening in as the patrol leader questioned the house elf, our Nymphadora did a little confiscating of evidence herself.”
Tonks gave a shudder; she hated when anyone used her first name. “If I hadn’t, you know it would have been destroyed,” Tonks said defensively.
... the exposition in this scene could have been delivered by anyone at all. It turns out that someone (and we still don't know who) has been attacked by Slytherin, because the author has decided that this chapter will actually advance the plot. I say "advance", but we're just seeing the scene with Slytherin and Nott from the end of Chapter 12 from the other perspective.
Without looking over the letter, Snape began reading it aloud.
Darling,
I know my last owl upset you. If it were possible for your father and I to undo our past, don’t you think we would? You can’t imagine how many times we’ve regretted ever becoming involved with the Dark Lord. My only excuse is that we were young and foolish.
We can’t change the past, but we need to do everything possible now to protect you and Hillary. You girls are our world. I don’t want us to fight, but I’m not leaving you behind. We’ve made arrangements to depart for the United States on Sunday. I know this is upsetting to you, but we have no choice.
It is imperative that you tell no one. We will
I thought Candlejack was supposed to wait until someone
“I agree,” said Hermione, “but isn’t our first concern for Hillary, the girl that was kidnapped? What is the ministry doing to locate her?”
“Nothing!” Tonks said, unable to hold back her tears. “That’s part of the ministry sham. She’s not kidnapped; at least not anymore.”
Hermione, Severus and Harry all stared at Tonks, expressions of confusion and unease on their faces.
“There was another piece of evidence that the ministry ordered destroyed,” Kingsley said, his voice shaking uncontrollably. “Whoever committed the murders also delivered a package to the home.” Kingsley hung his head sadly and closed his eyes as if ready to say a prayer. Tonks started crying uncontrollably. “The box contained Hillary’s decapitated head.”
As shocking as this development is (or would be if I wasn't rolling my eyes at the author blatantly lifting it from Se7en) she's still a trained Auror and Order member and has probably seen just as bad and worse during the war and in the course of her duties - she wouldn't be having a breakdown while briefing people on an important development.
Hermione’s face became a ghastly white as she lunged for the waste bin. Harry and Severus sat motionless, neither wanting to fathom such an atrocity.
But girls, amirite?
After a few minutes of uneasy quiet, Harry spoke. “They have the child’s head. How can they possibly say she was kidnapped? They must see that this is the work of the evilest of wizards.”
“The ministry refuses to believe that Slytherin has returned and walks amongst us,” Shacklebolt replied.
Speaking of recycled plot points.
“But what of the poor girl’s head?” Hermione cried. “How can they deny its existence?’
“Because it was transfigured to a twig and tossed into the trash,” Tonks sobbed. “The remainder of her body will undoubtedly never be found.”
Not, thankfully, the balance.
“I’ll do it,” Hermione said, looking at the ceiling as if asking for strength. “Severus, could you please put the twig somewhere secure until the proper time? Who is Hillary’s sister? We need to talk to her before the ministry gets a hold of her.”
“Doris Burke,” Shacklebolt answered.
“No! No!” Hermione cried, slumping to her knees and looking as if ready to pound the floor to dust.
“No!” Harry got on his knees next to her and wrapped his arm around Hermione comfortingly.
If it wasn't a character we'd already sort-of heard of, it would be fine. Apparently. Anyway, Doris arrives, already knows it was Slytherin and puts her memories in Snape's Pensieve so they don't need to question her and she doesn't get them Obliviated from her by the Ministry.
“Then Hermione is going to tell Doris what actually happened to her sister?” Severus asked.
“Yes,” Harry replied. “She and Jamie are with Doris now. They felt it better to wait until after she had dealt with the ministry officials before telling her everything.”
“That was unquestionably the correct call,” Severus said. “I greatly doubt that she could have maintain any degree of civility with the representatives had she known the extent of the cover-up.” Severus hung his head. “How can anyone do that to an innocent child?”
HE!Slytherin is truly an unprecedented evil for the wizarding world. It's not like Voldemort tried to kill a baby or anything like that.
“Are you ready to step into her memories?” Severus asked.
Harry nodded his head reluctantly. Although he prized being a wizard, some things about the magical world still made him queasy.
https://relativelylessimportant.tumblr.com/post/187253609613/the-problem-ive-noticed-is-that-so-many-authors
So Harry and Snape dive into Doris's memory, and see the ominous letter from her parents:
Darling Doris,
I wish it were possible for me to be with you today, instead of writing, because what I have to say is so difficult to put in a letter. Yet it is imperative that you be informed of the present situation as soon as possible.
The past has come back to haunt your father and I once again. We were so young and foolish when we joined the ranks of the Dark Lord. At the time, his beliefs were similar to ours, but we had no idea the horrible lengths to which he was willing to go to achieve his goals. We both learned from our mistakes, but it seems they insist on haunting us.
Theodore Nott just visited us. His father was a Death Eater, one of the worst. He took great pleasure in torturing and killing. His son seems to be following in his late father’s footsteps.
Theodore Nott's role in fic is generally as a stand-in for canon!Draco when Draco is good, or a token good Slytherin when he's not, or occasionally a foil to or henchman of his Death Eater father.
Nott informed us that our greatest fear is true. Salazar Slytherin has indeed been restored. Furthermore his goal, once he assembles a following, is to take charge of the wizarding world.
So basically he's Voldemort II: The Recycling. Except we're told (but not shown) that he's supposed to be so much worse for reasons.
Harry and Severus hurried after Doris as she scurried out of the Great Hall, trying to conceal her tears. She literally ran down the corridor before entering a room on her right.
As opposed to only figuratively running.
“You’re not proposing we follow her in there are you?” Snape asked, scandalized. He pointed nervously to a sign on the door that read ‘GIRLS’.”
Severus Snape, spy, co-saviour of the wizarding world, headmaster of Hogwarts, thwarted by a bathroom door. And not even a real one at that. Salazar Slytherin is missing a trick - he'd be invincible if he just put a girls' bathroom sign on the door to his evil dungeon.
“I don’t think she’s going in there to relieve herself,” Harry answered,
Which would make a change for this fic.
Gradually another room appeared around them. Harry looked about him and saw five four-poster beds. Then he saw Doris sitting at a desk, apparently just finishing a letter.
“Harry! We’re in the seventh year Slytherin girls’ dorm,” Severus shouted. “We shouldn’t be in here.”
Yes, there are characters in the Potterverse who would let awkwardness and/or decorum get in the way of searching for clues if they had to go into the girls' dormitory, even in a Pensieve flashback. Snape isn't one of them. I'm not convinced Harry is at this point either, but it would be slightly more IC for him.
The last word had just departed his lips when the door opened and a girl entered. She appeared to be wearing nothing but a towel.
“Harry, we should leave immediately,” Severus said anxiously. “This just isn’t appropriate.”
“We will,” Harry said, undecidedly. “It’s important that we see what Doris wrote to her mother though. I’m fond of the girl; I want to trust her and help her. That letter is the key to just how far we can allow our faith in her to go.”
Honestly, it's been so long that I'd forgotten what an absolute wet blanket HE!Snape is. So after an oh-so-hilarious aside where they get unknowingly flashed by Doris's roommate, because what the investigation of the brutal murder of a young child really needs is a side order of barrel-scraping sex farce, they see her reply and leave the memory.
As the image of Doris faded, Harry felt himself rising into the air, Severus at his side. Soon all was blackness, and then he felt as though he were doing a slow-motion somersault, finally landing flat on his feet back in Snape’s sunlit office. Severus Snape was standing beside him, a perplexed look on his face.
“You don’t think Slytherin will approach you in regards to supporting him, do you?” Harry asked. Concern was evident on his face.
“I seriously doubt that,” Severus said, forcing a weak smile. “Slytherin seems to be mainly attracted to past supporters of Voldemort and their descendants. I seriously doubt that he’d want a retired old spy, who was instrumental in bringing about Voldemort’s final defeat, as a member of his legion.”
Harry studied the headmaster’s expression momentarily. “Then your chief concern is that he might try to draft some seventh years that are about to graduate, especially those with ties to former death eaters.”
“Yes! I’m most certainly concerned about the students,” Severus replied. “And also the staff.”
At first Harry just stared at Snape. The staff? Then his brain finally shifted into gear. “Draco!”
Dun-dun-dun!
“I saw you and Tyler sitting together at the practice session,” Kim taunted.
“We weren’t sitting together.” Emily corrected her. “We were simply sitting beside each other.”
Kim looked skeptically at Emily. “Would you mind explaining the difference?”
“You have a propensity to use the word ‘together’ to indicate a relationship,” Emily answered sharply. “We did not go to the practice session as a couple and we did not sit together. I arrived first and initially sat alone. When Tyler arrived, he politely asked if he could sit and talk with me. I graciously said yes. Don’t try to make more of it than there was.”
I would say that Emily's dialogue sounds like it was written by a robot, except that this would be a grave insult to Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash.
Emily blushed. “Tyler was just being nice and sharing his robes. I was only covered by the concealment charm and I got rather cold when it began to rain.”
Kim shook her head and then looked skyward. “What are you trying to do, drive the poor boy crazy? You refuse to be his girlfriend, you refuse to go to the Yule Ball with him, but you let him hold you in his arms when you are totally starkers.” Kim lowered her head and continued to shake it in frustration. “Tyler is probably suffering from a massive case of ‘blue balls’ as we speak.”
“Suffering from what?” Emily asked innocently.
It was Kim’s turn to blush. “I’m a few chapters ahead in our sex education book,” she confessed.
Firstly: no way does Emily, who's been talking more frankly about sex than most people twice her age for nearly three fics now, not know a fairly well-known expression. Secondly: since when does sex ed teach slang, especially in the textbook? Back when I was at school we were generally assumed to know such terms already (one of the teachers admitted as much) and classes stuck to the actual facts. Thirdly: I dread to think what a wizarding sex ed textbook looks like, especially in the HE!verse. The Shagging Book of Shagging, anyone?
“I finished it last night,” Kim admitted. “Anyway, ‘blue balls’ is a term used to describe the condition that occurs when a guy gets extremely aroused but doesn’t get to ejaculate. It goes away fairly quickly, but can be extremely uncomfortable for a time.”
Do we really need this exposition?
“Why are you looking at me that way?” Emily asked. “I didn’t tell him to have a stiffy. What was I suppose to do about it, masturbate him to orgasm?”
And we certainly don't need this. The subject turns to the New Year's Yule Ball:
Emily took a deep breath. “I asked Roger.”
“Roger, as in Roger Fortescue?” Kim asked. “The jerk… ahh -- clerk from the ice cream shop in Hogsmeade. But isn’t he over twenty?”
It's this plotline, which even though I was warned way in advance is bad. At this point we just get some perfunctory back-and-forth about "he's a pervert" "no he's not" "is too" (spoiler: he totally is) and then we move on to his gift for Emily:
“In that case you are prejudging him,” Emily affirmed. “Roger has never touched me or even said anything out of line. He’s always been a perfect gentleman around me. You should read his response to me. He was absolutely thrilled that I asked him. Roger is so happy in fact, that he offered to buy me a dress for the occasion; not just any dress, but an original from the House of Gayee in Paris. I had to send them a whole bunch of measurement since I can’t go for a fitting. He even wanted my shoe size.”
“Maybe, I’m judging him wrong,” Kim admitted. “Originals from a Paris fashion house can be very pricey; he must genuinely like you. It was wrong of me to prejudge and categorize him.” Kim thought for a while. “I can’t remember where, but I think I’ve heard of the House of Gayee.”
The, and I will never not want to facepalm when I read this name, "House of Gayee" was first mentioned two chapters ago. Kim is denser than uranium. We cut to Ron and Sam, discussing Draco.
“Ron, stop sitting and sulking,” Sam insisted. “You should be happy for your sister, not acting like it’s the end of the world.”
“How can I be happy?” Ron protested. “She’s pregnant and planning to marry Draco Malfoy. I know he’s changed somewhat since we were in school together, but I can’t disregard how big a git he was.”
Ron looked disbelievingly at Sam. “I can’t believe you’ve become a Draco supporter. Have you forgotten that it was he that impregnated you and then just disappeared from your life?”
"And that he now knows all about my penis thanks to you!"
It was never planned, but Harry and Hermione had drifted into a regular routine. They went to bed early each evening so that they could cuddle in each other’s arms as they updated each other on the events of the day. Then before going to sleep they would always make love. It had become so much a part of their lives that now neither could envision being able to sleep without first giving pleasure to the other. Tonight might be an exception.
They're discussing funeral arrangements for Doris's family, which I guess is a bit of a boner-killer even for Hogwarts Exposed characters.
“Her sister was just a child. That didn’t stop those bastards from killing her,” Harry retorted. “Unlike the war with Voldemort, this war won’t have a neutral ground; Slytherin has already made that clear. When asked, you either join him, thus entering enter a life of eternal servitude, or you die. The day Doris graduates, she’s going to be given that choice.”
This is different from Voldemort how?
“Since all of Fudge’s decrees were abolished, the Ministry has no say in what takes place at Hogwarts; perhaps the curriculum should be adjusted to better prepare the older students for the contingency,” Hermione suggested.
“Severus and I discussed that earlier today,” Harry enlightened Hermione. “We want to make changes in the program, but at the same time we don’t want to train those that may one day be fighting against us. Remember how we anguished over who to allow in the D.A.”
And here the author really ties himself in knots trying to retcon Order of the Phoenix into the fic, because the characterisation of Draco and Snape (such that it is) is supposed to draw from their character development in Psychic Serpent, which can't have happened if fifth year went as it did in canon. In all fairness, much better fics than Hogwarts Exposed have gone off the rails when authors try to cram new canon into an ongoing plot - it's practically a trope in its own right, and led to more than a few three-year summer fics being abandoned.
“For the most part,” Harry agreed, “but exceptions will be made. Caitlin and Emily should be allowed to join. After all, they’re part of the Prophecy.”
“My god, Harry! Have you lost all priority?” Hermione cried. “They’re just little girls.”
“Little girls, I might remind you, who have already suffered once in the clutches of evil. I refuse to treat them the way Dumbledore treated me. I will not keep them in the dark for years like he did me. If we are to defeat Slytherin, it will only be with their help. They deserve to be familiar with what actions the Order of the Phoenix is taking.”
“What about Draco and Ginny?” Hermione asked heatedly. “They’re a part of the Prophecy and they’re also adults. If you’re so eager to add members to the order, why haven’t they been asked to join?”
The prophecy is based on the one in Psychic Serpent rather than the one in OotP, and I'm losing track of what's supposed to have happened when in the backstory of this fic. And looking at the dates these chapters were posted, we're rapidly approaching the release of HBP. Goodness only knows what's going to happen then.
Harry’s face turned somber. “Severus and I are concerned that Draco might have already joined the other side,” he answered dejectedly.
“You can’t be serious,” Hermione huffed. “I know his father was highly ranked in Voldemort’s legion, but Draco isn’t like his father. Harry, he is going to marry Ginny Weasley, she’s pregnant with his child.”
“I know,” he responded, sorrowfully. “All that makes what Severus and I learned today that more serious. Slytherin is contacting all former Death Eaters and their offspring and asking them to pledge their loyalty to his cause. The choices are unswerving devotion to the Darkest Lord or Death.”
“Of course, you and Severus automatically assumed that Draco has joined with Slytherin,” Hermione huffed furiously. “Neither one of you once considered that he might not have been approached yet; that he might not want to join Slytherin’s followers; that he might need our help.”
Hermione, after all, being well known for her tendency to give Draco the benefit of the doubt.
“To talk to Draco. One of us should at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Or in Draco’s case, do you and Severus consider him guilty until proven innocent?” Hermione asked.
If anything, Snape should be the one who's being easy on Draco. Especially as we're apparently trying to be more canon compliant.
“Wait, I’ll go with you,” Harry called. “Let me take a moment to check the Marauders’ Map. We don’t want to barge in on Draco and Ginny doing anything kinky.
If they've ever done anything kinkier than, you know, shagging, we've not been told. Which is probably just as well.
“Not close at all,” he answered. “Ginny is in their quarters, but Draco appears to be at the top of the Astronomy Tower.”
“The Astronomy tower?” Hermione repeated questioningly. “Draco’s never had any interest in the stars, besides it’s still raining.”
Speaking of shagging, because that's usually what happens in the Astronomy Tower in fic. Professor Sinistra must be sick of it all. But no:
Harry looked at the map, a horrified expression on his face. “Draco’s dot just moved from the middle of the tower to the extreme edge. You don’t think he could possibly be considering jumping, do you?”
Harry looked up, waiting for Hermione’s answer, but all he saw was her bare arse streaking out the door of their quarters.
Hermione Granger, streaking through the castle to save Draco, and the second chapter in a row to end with someone's arse. How did it come to this?
“Aren’t you coming?” Jamie shouted as she made to run for the castle.
“I want to talk to Evan first,” Caitlin said, indicating the diminutive first year Gryffindor boy that was standing nearby. Evan already appeared to be soaked to the skin by the heavy rain.
Caitlin and Evan exchanged quick looks and then both sprinted toward the shelter of the nearby building. They didn’t speak until the door had closed behind them.
“My socks and trainers are soaked,” Caitlin complained, as she led the way to the girls’ locker room.
The use of the Quidditch changing rooms as a plot device is carried over from Psychic Serpent, where in the second fic Harry and AU!Ginny take shelter from a magical snowstorm and end up shagging. To say it's better than this is an understatement.
“I can’t go in there,” Evan said shyly, pointing to the sign on the door.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Caitlin said, grabbing his hand and pulling him through the door. “No one is here but you and I.”
“But what if someone catches me in the girls’ changing room?” Evan pleaded.
“They won’t,” Caitlin said reassuringly. “You and I are the only two people crazy enough to be out of the castle in this weather.”
Which is incredibly convenient on the one hand, but on the other it's at least something that the author acknowledges that running around starkers in bad weather isn't such a good idea.
Caitlin sat on a nearby bench and began to remove her trainers and socks.
“How come your costume didn’t get wet?” Evan asked. “My clothes are sodden.”
“That’s because I don’t actually have the costume on, it’s in reality only a concealment charm. Watch!” Caitlin said, canceling the charm.
Yes, just tell random first-years about the concealment charm. There's no way that could possibly go wrong.
This was the type of fantasy teenage boys often dreamed of. Here he was, not even twelve and about to…. Could he actually do this? Could he really expose his little boy body to this beautiful girl?
As if able to read his mind, Caitlin took Evan’s hand in hers. “Being a nudist has a lot of advantages,” she said. “I’ve seen a multitude of men and boys naked. Nudity to me is really no big deal. I’ve also learned that physical appearance is only part of the package.
So to speak. Anyway, moving swiftly on, they take a shower and then she asks him to the New Year's Yule Ball because... fuck if I know. I can't remember a bloody thing about this guy, and not just because I've been gone for a while - he's a nonentity even for a Hogwarts Exposed character. We're told he's very nice, but this just seems to manifest as him not taking advantage of her in the shower, which should be the absolute bare minimum of acceptable behaviour. We cut to another happy couple, but it's Ginny and Draco in the hospital wing.
“No doubt about it, young lady,” Madam Pomfrey said excitedly. “You are definitely with child. We will be able to calculate the due date more precisely after I ask you a few questions, but I’d estimate mid July.”
Ginny beamed as she looked adoringly at Draco. “You sure didn’t waste any time, Mister.”
I wonder if the kid was conceived during the scene where Ginny told Draco about Ron's dick. Anyway, they decide to find out if it's a boy or a girl, and it turns out that Pomfrey needs to stick her wand up there because Hogwarts Exposed. Alastor Moody would not approve.
“This won’t hurt at all,” Poppy said as she prepared her wand by slipping a sanitary sleeve on the end. “I only have to insert it a few inches. Please drop your knickers, lift up you skirt, sit on the end of the table and spread your legs.”
Now you'd think that's an odd limitation considering what magical sensing has been able to do in canon, this fic and the fics it's derived from, but whatever. The wand emits pink sparks (thankfully after she takes it out) and by a plot twist it turns out that the spell was developed back when it was still associated with boys. Only kidding.
After depositing Ben with Sam and Ron, they hastened to the Headmaster’s office. Harry promptly gave the password to the stone gargoyle. He and Hermione reached the top of the spiraling staircase just as Tonks and Shacklebolt finished removing their rain gear. One look at the solemn expressions on the Aurors’ faces, and they knew that this most definitely wasn’t a social call.
It's still not clear how Harry first met Tonks and Kingsley in the HE!verse, because it references the events of the first Psychic Serpent fic for fifth year, but in other ways references the events of Order of the Phoenix as though there was no contradiction. So we had, for instance, Draco dating Ginny and simultaneously hunting her and the others down for Umbridge. It makes the backstory and hence Hogwarts Exposed itself an even bigger confused mess than it already was. And it makes no difference, because aside from one very minor characterisation moment:
“This!” Shacklebolt said, withdrawing a partially written letter from his pocket. “While I was listening in as the patrol leader questioned the house elf, our Nymphadora did a little confiscating of evidence herself.”
Tonks gave a shudder; she hated when anyone used her first name. “If I hadn’t, you know it would have been destroyed,” Tonks said defensively.
... the exposition in this scene could have been delivered by anyone at all. It turns out that someone (and we still don't know who) has been attacked by Slytherin, because the author has decided that this chapter will actually advance the plot. I say "advance", but we're just seeing the scene with Slytherin and Nott from the end of Chapter 12 from the other perspective.
Without looking over the letter, Snape began reading it aloud.
Darling,
I know my last owl upset you. If it were possible for your father and I to undo our past, don’t you think we would? You can’t imagine how many times we’ve regretted ever becoming involved with the Dark Lord. My only excuse is that we were young and foolish.
We can’t change the past, but we need to do everything possible now to protect you and Hillary. You girls are our world. I don’t want us to fight, but I’m not leaving you behind. We’ve made arrangements to depart for the United States on Sunday. I know this is upsetting to you, but we have no choice.
It is imperative that you tell no one. We will
I thought Candlejack was supposed to wait until someone
“I agree,” said Hermione, “but isn’t our first concern for Hillary, the girl that was kidnapped? What is the ministry doing to locate her?”
“Nothing!” Tonks said, unable to hold back her tears. “That’s part of the ministry sham. She’s not kidnapped; at least not anymore.”
Hermione, Severus and Harry all stared at Tonks, expressions of confusion and unease on their faces.
“There was another piece of evidence that the ministry ordered destroyed,” Kingsley said, his voice shaking uncontrollably. “Whoever committed the murders also delivered a package to the home.” Kingsley hung his head sadly and closed his eyes as if ready to say a prayer. Tonks started crying uncontrollably. “The box contained Hillary’s decapitated head.”
As shocking as this development is (or would be if I wasn't rolling my eyes at the author blatantly lifting it from Se7en) she's still a trained Auror and Order member and has probably seen just as bad and worse during the war and in the course of her duties - she wouldn't be having a breakdown while briefing people on an important development.
Hermione’s face became a ghastly white as she lunged for the waste bin. Harry and Severus sat motionless, neither wanting to fathom such an atrocity.
But girls, amirite?
After a few minutes of uneasy quiet, Harry spoke. “They have the child’s head. How can they possibly say she was kidnapped? They must see that this is the work of the evilest of wizards.”
“The ministry refuses to believe that Slytherin has returned and walks amongst us,” Shacklebolt replied.
Speaking of recycled plot points.
“But what of the poor girl’s head?” Hermione cried. “How can they deny its existence?’
“Because it was transfigured to a twig and tossed into the trash,” Tonks sobbed. “The remainder of her body will undoubtedly never be found.”
Not, thankfully, the balance.
“I’ll do it,” Hermione said, looking at the ceiling as if asking for strength. “Severus, could you please put the twig somewhere secure until the proper time? Who is Hillary’s sister? We need to talk to her before the ministry gets a hold of her.”
“Doris Burke,” Shacklebolt answered.
“No! No!” Hermione cried, slumping to her knees and looking as if ready to pound the floor to dust.
“No!” Harry got on his knees next to her and wrapped his arm around Hermione comfortingly.
If it wasn't a character we'd already sort-of heard of, it would be fine. Apparently. Anyway, Doris arrives, already knows it was Slytherin and puts her memories in Snape's Pensieve so they don't need to question her and she doesn't get them Obliviated from her by the Ministry.
“Then Hermione is going to tell Doris what actually happened to her sister?” Severus asked.
“Yes,” Harry replied. “She and Jamie are with Doris now. They felt it better to wait until after she had dealt with the ministry officials before telling her everything.”
“That was unquestionably the correct call,” Severus said. “I greatly doubt that she could have maintain any degree of civility with the representatives had she known the extent of the cover-up.” Severus hung his head. “How can anyone do that to an innocent child?”
HE!Slytherin is truly an unprecedented evil for the wizarding world. It's not like Voldemort tried to kill a baby or anything like that.
“Are you ready to step into her memories?” Severus asked.
Harry nodded his head reluctantly. Although he prized being a wizard, some things about the magical world still made him queasy.
https://relativelylessimportant.tumblr.com/post/187253609613/the-problem-ive-noticed-is-that-so-many-authors
So Harry and Snape dive into Doris's memory, and see the ominous letter from her parents:
Darling Doris,
I wish it were possible for me to be with you today, instead of writing, because what I have to say is so difficult to put in a letter. Yet it is imperative that you be informed of the present situation as soon as possible.
The past has come back to haunt your father and I once again. We were so young and foolish when we joined the ranks of the Dark Lord. At the time, his beliefs were similar to ours, but we had no idea the horrible lengths to which he was willing to go to achieve his goals. We both learned from our mistakes, but it seems they insist on haunting us.
Theodore Nott just visited us. His father was a Death Eater, one of the worst. He took great pleasure in torturing and killing. His son seems to be following in his late father’s footsteps.
Theodore Nott's role in fic is generally as a stand-in for canon!Draco when Draco is good, or a token good Slytherin when he's not, or occasionally a foil to or henchman of his Death Eater father.
Nott informed us that our greatest fear is true. Salazar Slytherin has indeed been restored. Furthermore his goal, once he assembles a following, is to take charge of the wizarding world.
So basically he's Voldemort II: The Recycling. Except we're told (but not shown) that he's supposed to be so much worse for reasons.
Harry and Severus hurried after Doris as she scurried out of the Great Hall, trying to conceal her tears. She literally ran down the corridor before entering a room on her right.
As opposed to only figuratively running.
“You’re not proposing we follow her in there are you?” Snape asked, scandalized. He pointed nervously to a sign on the door that read ‘GIRLS’.”
Severus Snape, spy, co-saviour of the wizarding world, headmaster of Hogwarts, thwarted by a bathroom door. And not even a real one at that. Salazar Slytherin is missing a trick - he'd be invincible if he just put a girls' bathroom sign on the door to his evil dungeon.
“I don’t think she’s going in there to relieve herself,” Harry answered,
Which would make a change for this fic.
Gradually another room appeared around them. Harry looked about him and saw five four-poster beds. Then he saw Doris sitting at a desk, apparently just finishing a letter.
“Harry! We’re in the seventh year Slytherin girls’ dorm,” Severus shouted. “We shouldn’t be in here.”
Yes, there are characters in the Potterverse who would let awkwardness and/or decorum get in the way of searching for clues if they had to go into the girls' dormitory, even in a Pensieve flashback. Snape isn't one of them. I'm not convinced Harry is at this point either, but it would be slightly more IC for him.
The last word had just departed his lips when the door opened and a girl entered. She appeared to be wearing nothing but a towel.
“Harry, we should leave immediately,” Severus said anxiously. “This just isn’t appropriate.”
“We will,” Harry said, undecidedly. “It’s important that we see what Doris wrote to her mother though. I’m fond of the girl; I want to trust her and help her. That letter is the key to just how far we can allow our faith in her to go.”
Honestly, it's been so long that I'd forgotten what an absolute wet blanket HE!Snape is. So after an oh-so-hilarious aside where they get unknowingly flashed by Doris's roommate, because what the investigation of the brutal murder of a young child really needs is a side order of barrel-scraping sex farce, they see her reply and leave the memory.
As the image of Doris faded, Harry felt himself rising into the air, Severus at his side. Soon all was blackness, and then he felt as though he were doing a slow-motion somersault, finally landing flat on his feet back in Snape’s sunlit office. Severus Snape was standing beside him, a perplexed look on his face.
“You don’t think Slytherin will approach you in regards to supporting him, do you?” Harry asked. Concern was evident on his face.
“I seriously doubt that,” Severus said, forcing a weak smile. “Slytherin seems to be mainly attracted to past supporters of Voldemort and their descendants. I seriously doubt that he’d want a retired old spy, who was instrumental in bringing about Voldemort’s final defeat, as a member of his legion.”
Harry studied the headmaster’s expression momentarily. “Then your chief concern is that he might try to draft some seventh years that are about to graduate, especially those with ties to former death eaters.”
“Yes! I’m most certainly concerned about the students,” Severus replied. “And also the staff.”
At first Harry just stared at Snape. The staff? Then his brain finally shifted into gear. “Draco!”
Dun-dun-dun!
“I saw you and Tyler sitting together at the practice session,” Kim taunted.
“We weren’t sitting together.” Emily corrected her. “We were simply sitting beside each other.”
Kim looked skeptically at Emily. “Would you mind explaining the difference?”
“You have a propensity to use the word ‘together’ to indicate a relationship,” Emily answered sharply. “We did not go to the practice session as a couple and we did not sit together. I arrived first and initially sat alone. When Tyler arrived, he politely asked if he could sit and talk with me. I graciously said yes. Don’t try to make more of it than there was.”
I would say that Emily's dialogue sounds like it was written by a robot, except that this would be a grave insult to Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash.
Emily blushed. “Tyler was just being nice and sharing his robes. I was only covered by the concealment charm and I got rather cold when it began to rain.”
Kim shook her head and then looked skyward. “What are you trying to do, drive the poor boy crazy? You refuse to be his girlfriend, you refuse to go to the Yule Ball with him, but you let him hold you in his arms when you are totally starkers.” Kim lowered her head and continued to shake it in frustration. “Tyler is probably suffering from a massive case of ‘blue balls’ as we speak.”
“Suffering from what?” Emily asked innocently.
It was Kim’s turn to blush. “I’m a few chapters ahead in our sex education book,” she confessed.
Firstly: no way does Emily, who's been talking more frankly about sex than most people twice her age for nearly three fics now, not know a fairly well-known expression. Secondly: since when does sex ed teach slang, especially in the textbook? Back when I was at school we were generally assumed to know such terms already (one of the teachers admitted as much) and classes stuck to the actual facts. Thirdly: I dread to think what a wizarding sex ed textbook looks like, especially in the HE!verse. The Shagging Book of Shagging, anyone?
“I finished it last night,” Kim admitted. “Anyway, ‘blue balls’ is a term used to describe the condition that occurs when a guy gets extremely aroused but doesn’t get to ejaculate. It goes away fairly quickly, but can be extremely uncomfortable for a time.”
Do we really need this exposition?
“Why are you looking at me that way?” Emily asked. “I didn’t tell him to have a stiffy. What was I suppose to do about it, masturbate him to orgasm?”
And we certainly don't need this. The subject turns to the New Year's Yule Ball:
Emily took a deep breath. “I asked Roger.”
“Roger, as in Roger Fortescue?” Kim asked. “The jerk… ahh -- clerk from the ice cream shop in Hogsmeade. But isn’t he over twenty?”
It's this plotline, which even though I was warned way in advance is bad. At this point we just get some perfunctory back-and-forth about "he's a pervert" "no he's not" "is too" (spoiler: he totally is) and then we move on to his gift for Emily:
“In that case you are prejudging him,” Emily affirmed. “Roger has never touched me or even said anything out of line. He’s always been a perfect gentleman around me. You should read his response to me. He was absolutely thrilled that I asked him. Roger is so happy in fact, that he offered to buy me a dress for the occasion; not just any dress, but an original from the House of Gayee in Paris. I had to send them a whole bunch of measurement since I can’t go for a fitting. He even wanted my shoe size.”
“Maybe, I’m judging him wrong,” Kim admitted. “Originals from a Paris fashion house can be very pricey; he must genuinely like you. It was wrong of me to prejudge and categorize him.” Kim thought for a while. “I can’t remember where, but I think I’ve heard of the House of Gayee.”
The, and I will never not want to facepalm when I read this name, "House of Gayee" was first mentioned two chapters ago. Kim is denser than uranium. We cut to Ron and Sam, discussing Draco.
“Ron, stop sitting and sulking,” Sam insisted. “You should be happy for your sister, not acting like it’s the end of the world.”
“How can I be happy?” Ron protested. “She’s pregnant and planning to marry Draco Malfoy. I know he’s changed somewhat since we were in school together, but I can’t disregard how big a git he was.”
Ron looked disbelievingly at Sam. “I can’t believe you’ve become a Draco supporter. Have you forgotten that it was he that impregnated you and then just disappeared from your life?”
"And that he now knows all about my penis thanks to you!"
It was never planned, but Harry and Hermione had drifted into a regular routine. They went to bed early each evening so that they could cuddle in each other’s arms as they updated each other on the events of the day. Then before going to sleep they would always make love. It had become so much a part of their lives that now neither could envision being able to sleep without first giving pleasure to the other. Tonight might be an exception.
They're discussing funeral arrangements for Doris's family, which I guess is a bit of a boner-killer even for Hogwarts Exposed characters.
“Her sister was just a child. That didn’t stop those bastards from killing her,” Harry retorted. “Unlike the war with Voldemort, this war won’t have a neutral ground; Slytherin has already made that clear. When asked, you either join him, thus entering enter a life of eternal servitude, or you die. The day Doris graduates, she’s going to be given that choice.”
This is different from Voldemort how?
“Since all of Fudge’s decrees were abolished, the Ministry has no say in what takes place at Hogwarts; perhaps the curriculum should be adjusted to better prepare the older students for the contingency,” Hermione suggested.
“Severus and I discussed that earlier today,” Harry enlightened Hermione. “We want to make changes in the program, but at the same time we don’t want to train those that may one day be fighting against us. Remember how we anguished over who to allow in the D.A.”
And here the author really ties himself in knots trying to retcon Order of the Phoenix into the fic, because the characterisation of Draco and Snape (such that it is) is supposed to draw from their character development in Psychic Serpent, which can't have happened if fifth year went as it did in canon. In all fairness, much better fics than Hogwarts Exposed have gone off the rails when authors try to cram new canon into an ongoing plot - it's practically a trope in its own right, and led to more than a few three-year summer fics being abandoned.
“For the most part,” Harry agreed, “but exceptions will be made. Caitlin and Emily should be allowed to join. After all, they’re part of the Prophecy.”
“My god, Harry! Have you lost all priority?” Hermione cried. “They’re just little girls.”
“Little girls, I might remind you, who have already suffered once in the clutches of evil. I refuse to treat them the way Dumbledore treated me. I will not keep them in the dark for years like he did me. If we are to defeat Slytherin, it will only be with their help. They deserve to be familiar with what actions the Order of the Phoenix is taking.”
“What about Draco and Ginny?” Hermione asked heatedly. “They’re a part of the Prophecy and they’re also adults. If you’re so eager to add members to the order, why haven’t they been asked to join?”
The prophecy is based on the one in Psychic Serpent rather than the one in OotP, and I'm losing track of what's supposed to have happened when in the backstory of this fic. And looking at the dates these chapters were posted, we're rapidly approaching the release of HBP. Goodness only knows what's going to happen then.
Harry’s face turned somber. “Severus and I are concerned that Draco might have already joined the other side,” he answered dejectedly.
“You can’t be serious,” Hermione huffed. “I know his father was highly ranked in Voldemort’s legion, but Draco isn’t like his father. Harry, he is going to marry Ginny Weasley, she’s pregnant with his child.”
“I know,” he responded, sorrowfully. “All that makes what Severus and I learned today that more serious. Slytherin is contacting all former Death Eaters and their offspring and asking them to pledge their loyalty to his cause. The choices are unswerving devotion to the Darkest Lord or Death.”
“Of course, you and Severus automatically assumed that Draco has joined with Slytherin,” Hermione huffed furiously. “Neither one of you once considered that he might not have been approached yet; that he might not want to join Slytherin’s followers; that he might need our help.”
Hermione, after all, being well known for her tendency to give Draco the benefit of the doubt.
“To talk to Draco. One of us should at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Or in Draco’s case, do you and Severus consider him guilty until proven innocent?” Hermione asked.
If anything, Snape should be the one who's being easy on Draco. Especially as we're apparently trying to be more canon compliant.
“Wait, I’ll go with you,” Harry called. “Let me take a moment to check the Marauders’ Map. We don’t want to barge in on Draco and Ginny doing anything kinky.
If they've ever done anything kinkier than, you know, shagging, we've not been told. Which is probably just as well.
“Not close at all,” he answered. “Ginny is in their quarters, but Draco appears to be at the top of the Astronomy Tower.”
“The Astronomy tower?” Hermione repeated questioningly. “Draco’s never had any interest in the stars, besides it’s still raining.”
Speaking of shagging, because that's usually what happens in the Astronomy Tower in fic. Professor Sinistra must be sick of it all. But no:
Harry looked at the map, a horrified expression on his face. “Draco’s dot just moved from the middle of the tower to the extreme edge. You don’t think he could possibly be considering jumping, do you?”
Harry looked up, waiting for Hermione’s answer, but all he saw was her bare arse streaking out the door of their quarters.
Hermione Granger, streaking through the castle to save Draco, and the second chapter in a row to end with someone's arse. How did it come to this?