Hello. I am your secondary editor for this round. If you'd like to find out about my editing background/ philosophy, you may do so hereMy first suggestion is to print this out and read it out loud to yourself. If there is a place where you think there should be a pause, you should insert a comma there, or maybe break it into two sentences. There are a few of your sentences that I think would be clearer with a few commas (or other punctuation), unless, of course, you meant to create a somewhat disjointed voice. Some of those spots are as follows (with suggestions for correction in parenthesis
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Interesting prose. I really really liked the one line, "There is a cheerful physiotherapist always smiling great big white white teeth and coffee dark skin that shimmers faintly under the anaemic light of the ward." That image is quite vivid to me.
‘It’s not just an adjective. It’s a state of mind.’ He thought to himself pulling with his arms to sit up in bed, pausing for a moments rest at that critical point the apogee of the whole exercise. When he needed to let go with his arms and turn them round to push himself away from the mattress.
Rewrite: "It’s not just an adjective. It’s a state of mind," he thought to himself, pulling with his arms to sit up in bed. He paused for a moment, resting at that critical point: the apogee of the exercise when he needed to let go with his arms, turn them round, and push himself away from the mattress.
‘take it easy’ = "take it easy"
Since waking from the accident, - Since waking away from the accident,
Since waking from the accident, an accident that he can’t remember and not one person will tell him about.
His doctors, he has three - His three doctors
His friends and family well some weep some joke but they are - His friends and family? Well some weep, some joke. But they're
Thanks everyone for your comments. Editors you're right on the money, my usual failing of rushing the deadline and not giving myself enough edit time. Must try harder.
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‘It’s not just an adjective. It’s a state of mind.’ He thought to himself pulling with his arms to sit up in bed, pausing for a moments rest at that critical point the apogee of the whole exercise. When he needed to let go with his arms and turn them round to push himself away from the mattress.
Rewrite: "It’s not just an adjective. It’s a state of mind," he thought to himself, pulling with his arms to sit up in bed. He paused for a moment, resting at that critical point: the apogee of the exercise when he needed to let go with his arms, turn them round, and push himself away from the mattress.
‘take it easy’ = "take it easy"
Since waking from the accident, - Since waking away from the accident,
Since waking from the accident, an accident that he can’t remember and not one person will tell him about.
His doctors, he has three - His three doctors
His friends and family well some weep some joke but they are - His friends and family? Well some weep, some joke. But they're
If ( ... )
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