二十二
I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to pilot it, but originally I did it because I felt I had to, because it was the only thing he had ever actually needed me for. He, my father, deserted me. He didn't need me and that was fine. Really, it was. I hated him, but I was fine without seeing him. I was fine with just studying and living with my teacher. I could have carried on that way.
He wouldn't call on me unless he needed me for something, and he did. But it was selfish. He didn't want me, just what I could do for him and NERV and EVA. And that's fine. I thought... if I listened, if I did well maybe he would praise me truthfully, he might accept me or want me. I'm not even sure why I craved the acceptance so much aside from the fact that you're suppose to want that from your parents, aren't you? That's possibly the only reason because he never did anything I can think of to actually make seeking him out worth-while.
I think over time stopped piloting just because I was being told to. I'm a sorry excuse for a human. I'm weak and whiny, I want to be close to people but they scare me so I turn away. But really I wanted to help. I wanted to show I could do something, not to my father, or Asuka, or Misato or anyone, but myself. I wanted to prove I wasn't really worthless... Didn't I? I think so.
But when it came down to it I made the wrong choice. I thought it would be better if people didn't exist... But when that happened I was more afraid than ever. How can you be yourself with no-one else to compare yourself to? I'm me because of how I am with others, right? If there was only me and me alone then there's nothing to show that I'm different from anything else.
So I hate my father. I should feel guilty for that, but I'm not. The entry plug was comforting and I miss it, but I don't miss the fighting and bloodshed and all the people who got hurt, who I hurt. I never wanted that to happen. I did, honestly, want to help... But sometimes I was too scared to do it.
And though he was an Angel, I still think Kaworu was such a better person than I could ever be. While I think compared to me he should have lived, if he had it would have removed mankind and even if I wasn't good enough compared to him I know that my worthlessness shouldn't have resulted in the removal of innocent people. It was the most horrible thing I've ever done because he was... the only person to really be kind to because of who I was, not what I could do.
No matter how many times I go over it in my head it doesn't change anything, really. What happened did happen. I know that no-one is perfect; we will always hurt each other, things will always be painful somehow and the only person who can change things is yourself. I wish I'd known all I do now when I was first forced into unit one, but then... if I'd done that who is to say that I'd be in the same position now on things? Well, I'm sure I wouldn't. I hate some of the memories I have, I regret a lot, but I do want to try. I'm trying. It's all I can do now, I'm sure.
[ooc; I'm so sorry I've not been very active with Shinji and to everyone I was supposed to do things with T_T;;; He's been kind of hard to play lately so here's me trying to drag him back out again. I'msorryagainpleasedon'teatmeforfailing ;;; Apologies also for the tl;dr, but what else did we expect of him, honestly? ]
He wouldn't call on me unless he needed me for something, and he did. But it was selfish. He didn't want me, just what I could do for him and NERV and EVA. And that's fine. I thought... if I listened, if I did well maybe he would praise me truthfully, he might accept me or want me. I'm not even sure why I craved the acceptance so much aside from the fact that you're suppose to want that from your parents, aren't you? That's possibly the only reason because he never did anything I can think of to actually make seeking him out worth-while.
I think over time stopped piloting just because I was being told to. I'm a sorry excuse for a human. I'm weak and whiny, I want to be close to people but they scare me so I turn away. But really I wanted to help. I wanted to show I could do something, not to my father, or Asuka, or Misato or anyone, but myself. I wanted to prove I wasn't really worthless... Didn't I? I think so.
But when it came down to it I made the wrong choice. I thought it would be better if people didn't exist... But when that happened I was more afraid than ever. How can you be yourself with no-one else to compare yourself to? I'm me because of how I am with others, right? If there was only me and me alone then there's nothing to show that I'm different from anything else.
So I hate my father. I should feel guilty for that, but I'm not. The entry plug was comforting and I miss it, but I don't miss the fighting and bloodshed and all the people who got hurt, who I hurt. I never wanted that to happen. I did, honestly, want to help... But sometimes I was too scared to do it.
And though he was an Angel, I still think Kaworu was such a better person than I could ever be. While I think compared to me he should have lived, if he had it would have removed mankind and even if I wasn't good enough compared to him I know that my worthlessness shouldn't have resulted in the removal of innocent people. It was the most horrible thing I've ever done because he was... the only person to really be kind to because of who I was, not what I could do.
No matter how many times I go over it in my head it doesn't change anything, really. What happened did happen. I know that no-one is perfect; we will always hurt each other, things will always be painful somehow and the only person who can change things is yourself. I wish I'd known all I do now when I was first forced into unit one, but then... if I'd done that who is to say that I'd be in the same position now on things? Well, I'm sure I wouldn't. I hate some of the memories I have, I regret a lot, but I do want to try. I'm trying. It's all I can do now, I'm sure.
[ooc; I'm so sorry I've not been very active with Shinji and to everyone I was supposed to do things with T_T;;; He's been kind of hard to play lately so here's me trying to drag him back out again. I'msorryagainpleasedon'teatmeforfailing ;;; Apologies also for the tl;dr, but what else did we expect of him, honestly? ]