The N00b's Guide to Roswell, Season One
TITLE: The N00b's Guide to Roswell, Season One
NOTES: I don't own the plot even a little, since this is just a parody. The plot's a bit out of order, I know. Also, the "shut your hole" line is shamlessly borrowed from Not Another Teen Movie. And the "I touched it" is from Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
SCENE ONE:
LIZ: Hi, I'm Liz Parker, and--
MAN WITH A GUN: Shut up, bitch! [shoots her]
MAX: Noooo! [heals her]
LIZ: Noooo! What just happened?
MAX: I'm an alien.
LIZ: OMG.
MAX: Also, I love you.
LIZ: ZOMG.
MAX: And that cupcake dress is hot.
LIZ: You read my mind? That is almost as unforgivable as if someone were to read my diary!
MAX: Don't tell anyone. [leaves]
MARIA: So what's up with Max, girlfriend?
LIZ: He's an alien.
MARIA: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!1111
ALEX: Hey, Liz, what's up with Max?
LIZ: I'll tell you in a few episodes.
MAX: I thought I told you not to tell anyone.
LIZ: You did? Oh! I thought you meant not to tell anyone that you love me. You know, so Isabel doesn't get jealous.
SCENE TWO:
KYLE: Hey, baby.
LIZ: Stop talking to me like that; I'm not your girlfriend. Pick me up at eight?
KYLE: Do you think Max is cuter than me?
LIZ: Please, this is so not about Max. I'm just not that into you. Wait, actually, eight-thirty is better. Don't be late.
KYLE: I'm confused.
LIZ: Shut your hole, Wang Chung.
KYLE: I'm sorry, Liz.
LIZ: Well, I guess I was a little harsh.
KYLE: No, I mean I'm sorry that a few guys on the football team sort of beat the crap out of Max.
LIZ: How could you? What kind of person is on the same sports team as people who would beat up that poor boy? He's adopted, you know. We are officially broken up! But this has nothing to do with Max.
SCENE THREE:
VALENTI: Maria, are you busy tonight?
MARIA: Not too busy for you, sweets!
ISABEL: Let's kill Maria.
MICHAEL: Okay!
LIZ: No, you can trust her.
MARIA: No they can't, chica! I'm totally going to tell him everything.
MAX: This doesn't look so good.
LIZ: Trust me, Max.
MARIA: [mouthing] Hey, Sheriff! The Evanses are evil aliens! Evil Alien Isabel even fixed my air conditioner!
ISABEL: I'm so going to kill her.
[they leave, leaving only Maria and Valenti behind.]
VALENTI: So, is Isabel an alien?
MARIA: Yes. I mean, no! She's not!
VALENTI: Damn! I was that close!...I touched it.
SCENE FOUR:
ISABEL: You can't love Max. I love Max.
LIZ: But we saw into each other's souls!
ISABEL: You're not even an alien, for God's sake.
LIZ: But I love him! And he loves me too!
ISABEL: Not the way I love him!
LIZ: Aren't you his sister?
ISABEL: STFU you whore!
SCENE FIVE:
MAX: Liz, I love you.
LIZ: Max, I love you too.
HORSE: [just hanging out]
MAX: [crashes]
HOSPITAL: [takes Max away]
HOSPITAL: Let me get that for you. [takes Max's blood]
LIZ: OMG!
MARIA: Yeah, girl, I know. He's almost out of blood and they take more?
LIZ: They'll know he's an alien because his blood is green!
MARIA: OMG, chica, you are so smart.
LIZ: Alex, you have to help!
AUDIENCE: Alex who?
ALEX: Max who?
LIZ: Just do it and I'll tell you what's up!
ALEX: [does it] Okay, what's up?
LIZ: Just kidding.
ALEX: We are so not friends anymore. You whore.
SCENE SIX:
VALENTI: So, Liz, what's up with Max? I only ask because I have lots of secret clues that might help him find Nasedo and figure out where he's from and what he's doing here.
LIZ: Max is totally human. He's not even an alien. He's not! And that silver handprint was a joke. Your son is a liar. Did you know he beat Max up?
KYLE: So, Liz, what's up with Max?
LIZ: Get away from me, you stalker.
ALEX: So, Liz, what's up with Max?
LIZ: It's a secret! I can't tell you!
TOPOLSKY: So, Max, what's up with you?
MAX: I'm a stranger in a strange land. But not an alien or anything crazy like that. [coughs] Did someone say alien? It wasn't me.
TOPOLSKY: So, Alex, what's up with Max?
ALEX: I'm going to send your ass to jail if you don't lay off.
VALENTI: So, Alex, what's up with Max?
ALEX: I'm going to sue your ass if you don't lay off.
LIZ: Alex, you're the best! Okay, Max is an alien.
ALEX: What, like from Canada?
LIZ: Yes, Alex. And that is why we needed your blood cells.
ALEX: Okay.
SCENE SEVEN:
MARIA: So, Michael, you're kind of hot. Even if your hair does defy gravity and you're rude.
MICHAEL: Well, you're not so bad yourself. Even if you do talk way too much.
[they kiss]
SCENE EIGHT:
MARIA: Liz, girlfriend, I'm telling you, chica, it's true love, girl.
LIZ: So, you and Michael, huh?
MICHAEL: Maria, I want to break up.
MARIA: What???
MICHAEL: Um. Just kidding?
SCENE NINE:
LIZ: So, Max, want to make out?
MAX: Uh, well, I would, but I'm afraid the world might blow up.
LIZ: What makes you think that?
MAX: Well, you never know.
LIZ: But Michael and Maria are doing it, and nothing bad is happening.
MAX: Yeah, but Michael and Maria aren't seeing into each other's souls, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
LIZ: But we saw into each other's souls, and nothing bad happened.
MAX: Yeah, but we never kissed, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
LIZ: But Michael and Maria kissed, and nothing bad happened.
MAX: Uh....I'm gay. And Michael's my boyfriend.
LIZ: But Michael is making out with Maria!!!!!!!!!!
MAX: Sorry, Liz. That's life.
LIZ: Argh!!!!
MAX: Just kidding. I love you.
LIZ: Aww, I love you too!
[they kiss]
SCENE TEN:
ISABEL: [dreams about Michael]
MICHAEL: [dreams about Isabel]
ISABEL: We can't.
MICHAEL: Why not?
ISABEL: Because I love Max! You know that!
MICHAEL: Well, so do I, but Max is with Liz.
ISABEL: Well, I won't let anyone else replace him. And don't let Maria hear you talking that way. Alex, let's go make out.
AUDIENCE: Alex who?
ALEX: Shut up already!
[Isabel and Alex leave.]
MARIA: Too late, I heard you talking that way.
MICHAEL: Wait, I can explain. Actually, I can't.
MARIA: Did you sleep with Isabel? Or Max?
MICHAEL: How dare you? That is my own personal business!
SCENE ELEVEN:
TESS: Hi, Isabel.
ISABEL: Hi.
ALEX: Who are you?
TESS: [pointedly to Isabel] Want to be friends? I'm an alien too. Plus, we're both hot blonde girls.
ISABEL: Sure!
SCENE TWELVE:
ISABEL: Max, I think I'm attracted to Tess.
MAX: Yeah, I know, me too.
ISABEL: But it doesn't mean anything. You're the only one I really love, and that will never change.
MAX: Yeah, Iz, about that. I sort of love Liz.
ISABEL: What was that? "Yeah, Liz, I love Iz?"
MAX: Whatever you say.
SCENE THIRTEEN:
TESS: You can't love Max. I love Max.
LIZ: But we saw into each other's souls!
TESS: You're not even an alien, for God's sake.
LIZ: But I love him! And he loves me too!
TESS: Not the way I love him!
ISABEL: [cries]
MARIA: Am I the only girl on this show who's not obsessed with Max?
MAX: Hey, Liz, I brought you some flowers.
MARIA: Michael, why can't you be more like Max?
MICHAEL: Because Max is a loser?
SCENE FOURTEEN:
PIERCE: I am a good guy, because I have a Southern accent.
VALENTI: That's cool.
PIERCE: Now I am a bad guy, because it turns out my Southern accent was fake all along!
JASON KATIMS: Pay attention, guys. This will be a recurring theme throughout the show.
TESS: Let's go rescue Max. It'll be fun. I'll show you guys some wild tricks.
ISABEL: Stop it! I'm straight!
[Everyone stares at her.]
ISABEL: Okay, I'm over it. Let's go.
NASEDO: You're not thinking of going without me, are you?
TESS: Don't ever leave me alone again!
NASEDO: Okay. Except in two episodes, I'll leave for the summer. And after that, I'll die. But for the next few minutes, I'm all yours. And Max's and Michael's and Isabel's.
ISABEL: Come on guys, let's go.
NASEDO: Okie-doke. You don't mind if we kill some humans on the way, do you?
MICHAEL AND ISABEL IN UNISON: Killing humans? How could you even think of such a thing?
MARIA: Hypocrites.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
TESS: I can make people see things.
ISABEL: Wow. Can you make them forget things?
TESS: No.
ISABEL: How about make them do things against their will?
TESS: Nope.
ISABEL: So, just the seeing things then.
TESS: Well, see/hear/smell/taste/touch. But that's it.
ISABEL: Hmm, and how long can you keep it up?
TESS: About two minutes. Less if they've got secret alien powers.
ISABEL: So, over a month is definitely out of the question.
TESS: Why are you asking me all these inane questions?
ISABEL: Just making sure.
MICHAEL: So, Max can heal people, Isabel can dreamwalk, Tess can mindwarp, and all I can do is change my stupid fingerprint?
NASEDO: Also, you can blow up rocks.
MICHAEL: I hate my life. [kills Pierce]
NASEDO: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that.
SCENE SIXTEEN:
MICHAEL: Maria, I want to break up with you.
MARIA: What? I totally did not see this coming!
ALEX: Isabel, I understand if you want to break up with me.
ISABEL: Were we together?
MAX: Liz, wanna be an honorary alien?
TESS: She can't be! That's not in the rules!
LIZ: But we saw into each other's souls!
TESS: But we have a destiny!
GENIE FRANCIS: Sorry to butt in and all, but Tess is right.
MAX: Okay, that's two against two.
LIZ: Actually, I vote with them.
MICHAEL: Let her go, man.
MAX: Damn you, Michael!
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
NOTES: I don't own the plot even a little, since this is just a parody. The plot's a bit out of order, I know. Also, the "shut your hole" line is shamlessly borrowed from Not Another Teen Movie. And the "I touched it" is from Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
SCENE ONE:
LIZ: Hi, I'm Liz Parker, and--
MAN WITH A GUN: Shut up, bitch! [shoots her]
MAX: Noooo! [heals her]
LIZ: Noooo! What just happened?
MAX: I'm an alien.
LIZ: OMG.
MAX: Also, I love you.
LIZ: ZOMG.
MAX: And that cupcake dress is hot.
LIZ: You read my mind? That is almost as unforgivable as if someone were to read my diary!
MAX: Don't tell anyone. [leaves]
MARIA: So what's up with Max, girlfriend?
LIZ: He's an alien.
MARIA: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!1111
ALEX: Hey, Liz, what's up with Max?
LIZ: I'll tell you in a few episodes.
MAX: I thought I told you not to tell anyone.
LIZ: You did? Oh! I thought you meant not to tell anyone that you love me. You know, so Isabel doesn't get jealous.
SCENE TWO:
KYLE: Hey, baby.
LIZ: Stop talking to me like that; I'm not your girlfriend. Pick me up at eight?
KYLE: Do you think Max is cuter than me?
LIZ: Please, this is so not about Max. I'm just not that into you. Wait, actually, eight-thirty is better. Don't be late.
KYLE: I'm confused.
LIZ: Shut your hole, Wang Chung.
KYLE: I'm sorry, Liz.
LIZ: Well, I guess I was a little harsh.
KYLE: No, I mean I'm sorry that a few guys on the football team sort of beat the crap out of Max.
LIZ: How could you? What kind of person is on the same sports team as people who would beat up that poor boy? He's adopted, you know. We are officially broken up! But this has nothing to do with Max.
SCENE THREE:
VALENTI: Maria, are you busy tonight?
MARIA: Not too busy for you, sweets!
ISABEL: Let's kill Maria.
MICHAEL: Okay!
LIZ: No, you can trust her.
MARIA: No they can't, chica! I'm totally going to tell him everything.
MAX: This doesn't look so good.
LIZ: Trust me, Max.
MARIA: [mouthing] Hey, Sheriff! The Evanses are evil aliens! Evil Alien Isabel even fixed my air conditioner!
ISABEL: I'm so going to kill her.
[they leave, leaving only Maria and Valenti behind.]
VALENTI: So, is Isabel an alien?
MARIA: Yes. I mean, no! She's not!
VALENTI: Damn! I was that close!...I touched it.
SCENE FOUR:
ISABEL: You can't love Max. I love Max.
LIZ: But we saw into each other's souls!
ISABEL: You're not even an alien, for God's sake.
LIZ: But I love him! And he loves me too!
ISABEL: Not the way I love him!
LIZ: Aren't you his sister?
ISABEL: STFU you whore!
SCENE FIVE:
MAX: Liz, I love you.
LIZ: Max, I love you too.
HORSE: [just hanging out]
MAX: [crashes]
HOSPITAL: [takes Max away]
HOSPITAL: Let me get that for you. [takes Max's blood]
LIZ: OMG!
MARIA: Yeah, girl, I know. He's almost out of blood and they take more?
LIZ: They'll know he's an alien because his blood is green!
MARIA: OMG, chica, you are so smart.
LIZ: Alex, you have to help!
AUDIENCE: Alex who?
ALEX: Max who?
LIZ: Just do it and I'll tell you what's up!
ALEX: [does it] Okay, what's up?
LIZ: Just kidding.
ALEX: We are so not friends anymore. You whore.
SCENE SIX:
VALENTI: So, Liz, what's up with Max? I only ask because I have lots of secret clues that might help him find Nasedo and figure out where he's from and what he's doing here.
LIZ: Max is totally human. He's not even an alien. He's not! And that silver handprint was a joke. Your son is a liar. Did you know he beat Max up?
KYLE: So, Liz, what's up with Max?
LIZ: Get away from me, you stalker.
ALEX: So, Liz, what's up with Max?
LIZ: It's a secret! I can't tell you!
TOPOLSKY: So, Max, what's up with you?
MAX: I'm a stranger in a strange land. But not an alien or anything crazy like that. [coughs] Did someone say alien? It wasn't me.
TOPOLSKY: So, Alex, what's up with Max?
ALEX: I'm going to send your ass to jail if you don't lay off.
VALENTI: So, Alex, what's up with Max?
ALEX: I'm going to sue your ass if you don't lay off.
LIZ: Alex, you're the best! Okay, Max is an alien.
ALEX: What, like from Canada?
LIZ: Yes, Alex. And that is why we needed your blood cells.
ALEX: Okay.
SCENE SEVEN:
MARIA: So, Michael, you're kind of hot. Even if your hair does defy gravity and you're rude.
MICHAEL: Well, you're not so bad yourself. Even if you do talk way too much.
[they kiss]
SCENE EIGHT:
MARIA: Liz, girlfriend, I'm telling you, chica, it's true love, girl.
LIZ: So, you and Michael, huh?
MICHAEL: Maria, I want to break up.
MARIA: What???
MICHAEL: Um. Just kidding?
SCENE NINE:
LIZ: So, Max, want to make out?
MAX: Uh, well, I would, but I'm afraid the world might blow up.
LIZ: What makes you think that?
MAX: Well, you never know.
LIZ: But Michael and Maria are doing it, and nothing bad is happening.
MAX: Yeah, but Michael and Maria aren't seeing into each other's souls, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
LIZ: But we saw into each other's souls, and nothing bad happened.
MAX: Yeah, but we never kissed, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
LIZ: But Michael and Maria kissed, and nothing bad happened.
MAX: Uh....I'm gay. And Michael's my boyfriend.
LIZ: But Michael is making out with Maria!!!!!!!!!!
MAX: Sorry, Liz. That's life.
LIZ: Argh!!!!
MAX: Just kidding. I love you.
LIZ: Aww, I love you too!
[they kiss]
SCENE TEN:
ISABEL: [dreams about Michael]
MICHAEL: [dreams about Isabel]
ISABEL: We can't.
MICHAEL: Why not?
ISABEL: Because I love Max! You know that!
MICHAEL: Well, so do I, but Max is with Liz.
ISABEL: Well, I won't let anyone else replace him. And don't let Maria hear you talking that way. Alex, let's go make out.
AUDIENCE: Alex who?
ALEX: Shut up already!
[Isabel and Alex leave.]
MARIA: Too late, I heard you talking that way.
MICHAEL: Wait, I can explain. Actually, I can't.
MARIA: Did you sleep with Isabel? Or Max?
MICHAEL: How dare you? That is my own personal business!
SCENE ELEVEN:
TESS: Hi, Isabel.
ISABEL: Hi.
ALEX: Who are you?
TESS: [pointedly to Isabel] Want to be friends? I'm an alien too. Plus, we're both hot blonde girls.
ISABEL: Sure!
SCENE TWELVE:
ISABEL: Max, I think I'm attracted to Tess.
MAX: Yeah, I know, me too.
ISABEL: But it doesn't mean anything. You're the only one I really love, and that will never change.
MAX: Yeah, Iz, about that. I sort of love Liz.
ISABEL: What was that? "Yeah, Liz, I love Iz?"
MAX: Whatever you say.
SCENE THIRTEEN:
TESS: You can't love Max. I love Max.
LIZ: But we saw into each other's souls!
TESS: You're not even an alien, for God's sake.
LIZ: But I love him! And he loves me too!
TESS: Not the way I love him!
ISABEL: [cries]
MARIA: Am I the only girl on this show who's not obsessed with Max?
MAX: Hey, Liz, I brought you some flowers.
MARIA: Michael, why can't you be more like Max?
MICHAEL: Because Max is a loser?
SCENE FOURTEEN:
PIERCE: I am a good guy, because I have a Southern accent.
VALENTI: That's cool.
PIERCE: Now I am a bad guy, because it turns out my Southern accent was fake all along!
JASON KATIMS: Pay attention, guys. This will be a recurring theme throughout the show.
TESS: Let's go rescue Max. It'll be fun. I'll show you guys some wild tricks.
ISABEL: Stop it! I'm straight!
[Everyone stares at her.]
ISABEL: Okay, I'm over it. Let's go.
NASEDO: You're not thinking of going without me, are you?
TESS: Don't ever leave me alone again!
NASEDO: Okay. Except in two episodes, I'll leave for the summer. And after that, I'll die. But for the next few minutes, I'm all yours. And Max's and Michael's and Isabel's.
ISABEL: Come on guys, let's go.
NASEDO: Okie-doke. You don't mind if we kill some humans on the way, do you?
MICHAEL AND ISABEL IN UNISON: Killing humans? How could you even think of such a thing?
MARIA: Hypocrites.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
TESS: I can make people see things.
ISABEL: Wow. Can you make them forget things?
TESS: No.
ISABEL: How about make them do things against their will?
TESS: Nope.
ISABEL: So, just the seeing things then.
TESS: Well, see/hear/smell/taste/touch. But that's it.
ISABEL: Hmm, and how long can you keep it up?
TESS: About two minutes. Less if they've got secret alien powers.
ISABEL: So, over a month is definitely out of the question.
TESS: Why are you asking me all these inane questions?
ISABEL: Just making sure.
MICHAEL: So, Max can heal people, Isabel can dreamwalk, Tess can mindwarp, and all I can do is change my stupid fingerprint?
NASEDO: Also, you can blow up rocks.
MICHAEL: I hate my life. [kills Pierce]
NASEDO: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that.
SCENE SIXTEEN:
MICHAEL: Maria, I want to break up with you.
MARIA: What? I totally did not see this coming!
ALEX: Isabel, I understand if you want to break up with me.
ISABEL: Were we together?
MAX: Liz, wanna be an honorary alien?
TESS: She can't be! That's not in the rules!
LIZ: But we saw into each other's souls!
TESS: But we have a destiny!
GENIE FRANCIS: Sorry to butt in and all, but Tess is right.
MAX: Okay, that's two against two.
LIZ: Actually, I vote with them.
MICHAEL: Let her go, man.
MAX: Damn you, Michael!
TESS: What do we do now, Max?