The N00b's Guide to Roswell, Season Two
TITLE: The N00b's Guide to Roswell, Season Two
NOTES: The plot and characters belong to the WB and Jason Katims or whoever they belong to (not me). The "You're right" sequence is from Fiddler on the Roof, and the "Leave now and never come back" sequence is from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
SCENE ONE:
MAX: So, Maria, do you think Liz is going to get back together with me?
MARIA: No, I'd have to say you're a little bit too pathetic. Do you think Michael is going to get back together with me?
MAX: I'm too nice to answer that question.
LIZ: I'm back. And no, I'm not going to get back together with you. Because I'm working for the enemy.
WHITTAKER: Hi, I'm the enemy.
MAX: How do you do.
SCENE TWO:
MAX: So, Nasedo, what do you think of Whittaker? Do you think she's the enemy?
NASEDO: I don't know, but she's a firecracker in--
MAX: That's enough!
NASEDO: Yes, your highness.
MAX: That's enough of that, too!
NASEDO: Yes, your highness.
MAX: Stop!
NASEDO: Yes, your highness.
MAX: I mean it. Stop calling me "Your highness!"
NASEDO: Yes, your highness.
MAX: Argh!
TESS: Settle the personal crap on your own time.
MAX: So, you'll take care of Whittaker?
NASEDO: You got it.
WHITTAKER: [kills Nasedo]
NASEDO: Crap.
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
SCENE THREE:
COURTNEY: Michael, you're hot.
MICHAEL: Huh?
MARIA: I have a good idea, guys. Let's dance! For no good reason! Except so that I can make sure Michael checks me out.
LIZ, ISABEL, TESS: Sure, why not? [make fools of themselves dancing]
MARIA: [dances] Look at me, Michael!
MICHAEL: I am. But just because you're hot doesn't mean we're going to get back together.
MAX: Guess what, guys? Nasedo is dead! And I have a cut! :(
MARIA: Way to kill the mood, buster.
TESS: Well in that case, let me heal you to make Liz jealous!
MAX: Okay! Maybe then she will reconsider and go out with me.
LIZ: Nope, sorry.
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
SCENE FOUR:
KYLE: Woe is my life. If only Max Evans had let me die.
VALENTI: How was camp?
KYLE: I hate you.
SCENE FIVE:
TESS: Max, I love you.
MAX: Sorry, I don't love you back.
TESS: That's okay.
LIZ AND MARIA: OMG THAT CHEATING BASTARD!
SCENE SIX:
MAX: Sheriff, can Tess stay by you? She is afraid to stay in that big empty house all by herself. Even though it would have been a very convenient addition to the limited number of hangouts we have.
VALENTI: Sure!
TESS: Yay, can I pretend to be Kyle? [puts on Kyle's clothing]
KYLE: Ahhhh!
TESS: Nice underwear.
KYLE: God, could you possibly make me more uncomfortable.
TESS: I can certainly try!
AUDIENCE: Hey, don't be mean to Kyle, you bitch!
KYLE: Hypocrites.
TESS: Nice porn, too.
KYLE: Woe is my life! If only Max Evans had let me die.
TESS: Shut up, Kyle. My fake father figure just died. Want to be friends?
KYLE: Sure!
SCENE SEVEN:
ALEX: So, Isabel, want to get back together with me?
ISABEL: Who are you?
GRANT: I'll step in here. Hi, I'm Grant.
ISABEL: Hi, I'm Isabel.
MAX: Hi, you're thirty. She's jailbait. Get away from her.
ISABEL: Oh, Max, you do love me after all!
MAX: I wonder if Grant is a bad guy. Oh well, I guess I'll find out towards the end of the season.
SCENE EIGHT:
WHITTAKER: So, Liz, do you know that Pierce dead?
LIZ: Yes, I do know that.
WHITTAKER: That must mean that you know him.
LIZ: Yes, I do. Well, I know Nasedo, anyway.
WHITTAKER: How do you know him?
LIZ: Well, his fake alien adopted daughter broke up my relationship with Max.
WHITTAKER: Aw, don't you hate when that happens?
LIZ: Yes. It is the worst.
WHITTAKER: What is her name?
LIZ: Her name is Tess Harding and she has curly blond hair and she is currently staying at the Valenti's house. Kill her for me, Whittaker. Kill her dead.
SCENE NINE:
ALEX: [does a striptease] Notice me Isabel, notice me!
ISABEL: Hi, Grant! What's up?
GRANT: Hi, Isabel.
MRS. EVANS: You are too old for my daughter. Leave, plz.
MARIA: Courtney, lay off Michael. He's mine. Right, Michael?
MICHAEL: Huh?
COURTNEY: Hey, Michael, do you have other human urges, too?
MICHAEL: Huh?
ISABEL: I think Tess is kidnapped.
MAX: Nah, probably not.
ISABEL: Okay. Kyle, where is she?
KYLE: She's out.
ISABEL: But you're sure she's not kidnapped?
KYLE: Pretty sure.
ISABEL: Because I keep getting these flashes that she is kidnapped and hurt somewhere. And since Tess sort of has the power to give people visions, I thought maybe she is kidnapped and hurt somewhere.
KYLE: I doubt it.
ISABEL: I am leaving to rescue Tess.
KYLE: Whatever.
ISABEL: [rescues Tess]
ISABEL: Tess? What happened to you?
WHITTAKER: I beat her up because I was mad that she wasn't Vilandra.
ISABEL: You have anger management issues.
WHITTAKER: Yes. Yes, I do.
ISABEL: [kills Whittaker]
ISABEL: On the one hand, I could tell Max what I found out from Whittaker about my being an evil betrayer in the past life, and he will try to comfort me and it will bring us closer together. On the other hand, I could keep it to myself and have it slowly tear me apart inside and grow between me and the rest of the group. What a conundrum!
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
SCENE TEN:
HAL: Michael, there is another set of aliens out there.
MICHAEL: Thank you for that useful information, Hal!
SCENE ELEVEN:
FUTURE MAX: Liz, you have to push Max away.
LIZ: Oh, because right now we're on the best of terms?
FUTURE MAX: Yeah, but my old self is pathetic. He will not let you go.
LIZ: But that's what I love about him!
FUTURE MAX: But Tess will get dejected and leave Roswell. And then she will not be able to save your asses when the Skins come and make all the humans disappear.
LIZ: But Tess and Kyle have a thing going, so why would she leave?
FUTURE MAX: Oh really? Hmmm, that's a tough one. Well, maybe they will leave together.
LIZ: Okay.
FUTURE MAX: So get Tess to wear that shirt that makes her look hot.
LIZ: What? You think Tess is hot? How could you, you cheating bastard?
FUTURE MAX: Um, no! I think Tess is ugly! I think she is a gerbil! Ha ha.
LIZ: That's better.
LIZ: [pretends to sleep with Kyle]
KYLE: Liz, do you think I'm a pushover?
LIZ: Shut up and do what I tell you, okay?
KYLE: 'Kay.
MAX: [sees them and is sad]
LIZ: Woe is my life!
FUTURE MAX: That was sad. Good job. [leaves]
SCENE TWLEVE:
MICHAEL: Courtney, are you a skin?
COURTNEY: Kiss me and I'll tell you.
MICHAEL: Okay! [kisses her]
COURTNEY: Yes I am! [runs away]
MICHAEL: Okay, that was a start.
MARIA: I hate you!
MICHAEL: Why do you always have to butt into my personal life?
MARIA: Because I'm your girlfriend?
MICHAEL: Huh?
SCENE THIRTEEN:
NICHOLAS: Hi, Isabel. I think you're pretty.
ISABEL: Hi, Nicholas. I think you're not an evil villain.
NICHOLAS: Wrong! You always were a stupidhead, Vilandra. Want to make out?
ISABEL: Sure! [hits him over the head]
NICHOLAS: That is not how they do it on this planet!
SCENE FOURTEEN:
MAX: Liz, when I saw you with Kyle, was that only because a future version of me came to you and said that if you don't push me towards Tess she will leave Roswell and we will all be screwed so you pretended to sleep with him, or did you really sleep with him?
LIZ: Um, the second one.
MAX: I don't believe you.
TESS: So, Liz, what is sex like?
LIZ: Why don't you go sleep with my soulmate and find out?! You bitch.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
MARIA: So, you seem a little bit obsessed with my boyfriend.
MICHAEL: I'm not your boyfriend.
COURTNEY: I'm not obsessed with him. I'm just a Michael-worshipper.
MARIA: Oh, well in that case, help us rescue our friends.
COURTNEY: Okay! [helps them rescue their friends]
SCENE SIXTEEN:
NICHOLAS: Courtney, where is the granolith?
COURTNEY: [dies]
NICHOLAS: Max, where is the granolith? Courtney is dead, by the way.
TESS: [kills all the skins]
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
SCENE SEVENTEEN:
LONNIE, RATH AND AVA: Yo yo yo, we the Dupes. We think we hot shit since we from New Yawk and we talk like this, foo'.
THE ROSWELL CROWD: What?
LONNIE: Max, come wit us to da Big Apple, mofo.
AUDIENCE: Real New Yorkers don't call it the Big Apple, you poser!
MAX: But I'll miss the real Isabel too much!
ISABEL: Yes!
LONNIE: [dresses up as Isabel] I hate you, Max.
MAX: [cries] I'm going to New York! And while I'm there I'll grow closer to Tess and our relationship will slowly develop! Just to spite you!
ISABEL: [cries]
NICHOLAS: Let's get on with it, no?
TESS: Shut up, you little shit.
AUDIENCE: How come he's still alive again?
JASON KATIMS: [shrugs]
NICHOLAS: Can I have the granolith? Please?
MAX: Ummmmm....no.
NICHOLAS: Damn. Can I kill you and Tess instead?
TESS: Ummmmm....no.
SCENE EIGHTEEN:
AVA: By the way, Liz, Max turned you into an alien by healing you.
LIZ: That's weird; I thought he just fixed my torn-apart inside parts.
AVA: Yeah, that makes you an alien.
LIZ: Does that mean that Maria's air conditioner is also an alien, because Isabel fixed it that one time?
MARIA: Oh man, I hate hot blond alien chicks.
AVA: I have to leave Roswell before Max and Tess come back. Because if Tess and I are in the same room at the same time, then the fabric holding the universe together will be torn apart.
KYLE: Wait, am I an alien too?
TESS: If you like Tabasco sauce you are!
KYLE: Do I have sekrit powers?
TESS: Yes! And I will play a trick on you by actually pressing the buttons on the remote instead of mindwarping you, because I respect you and your brain, Kyle.
KYLE: Girls in bathing suits is not what I call porn!
SCENE NINETEEN:
MAX: Isabel, please do not go out with Grant.
ISABEL: But I want to be normal!
MAX: What's so great about normal? Can he graffiti your house with his bare hands? Or make streetlamps spin in circles?
ISABEL: Max...
MAX: Anyway, since when do normal teenagers date thirty-year-olds?
ISABEL: Max, do you love me?
MAX: Yes, but I'm not willing to admit it. Just don't go out with him!
ISABEL: Max, if you won't admit that you love me, don't expect me to wait around for you and not date thirty-year-old men!
SCENE TWENTY:
SEAN: Hey, Parker, looking good!
LIZ: Thanks, that's sweet.
MARIA: I'm going to kick your ass, Sean.
LIZ: Why? That was a nice thing to say, wasn't it?
SCENE TWENTY-ONE:
ISABEL: [gets flashes of a tortured girl]
MAX: Is she by any chance being tortured by Grant?
ISABEL: Um....yes!
MAX: I knew it! He is a bad seed. Ha ha, now you can't go out with him.
VALENTI: Grant, I'm going to rip you a new one!
GRANT: Sheriff, that's not very professional.
VALENTI: I'm going to smack you so hard you'll cry for a month.
GRANT: Seriously, you're stalking me, and I don't think it's very nice.
VALENTI: I can take you apart piece by piece and make sure you stay concious enough to feel every second of it.
GRANT: [cries]
THE CITY OF ROSWELL: Sheriff Valenti, you are a bad man.
GRANT: Actually, he's right. I am the bad guy.
ISABEL: I don't believe it! Another person who randomly showed up in Roswell at the beginning of the season is not what s/he seems?
GRANT: Only there's a twist! I'm not inherently a bad guy, I'm just being possessed by an evil alien jellyfish virus that's flying around inside my chest.
ISABEL: So how is there room for your lungs?
ALEX: Guess what, guys! I'm back!...I'm back from Sweden! And I'm over Isabel...Guys? Is anyone there?
SCENE TWENTY-TWO:
LAURIE: Can't sleep the aliens will get me!
MICHAEL: We will not.
LAURIE: Ahhhh someone help me mommy grandpa I am scared!
MARIA: Shut up, you tramp. Michael, stop being mean to Laurie!
MICHAEL: I hate my life.
LAURIE'S AUNT AND UNCLE: You have the same DNA as our father. You must be an illegitimate clone who feels that, as a clone of our father, you should be entitled to some inheritance. Here is money.
MARIA: Let's use Laurie's natural right to this property to get even more money and goodies!
MICHAEL: That's immoral.
MARIA: Bring on the DVDs!
MICHAEL: YAY DVDS YAY
GRANT: [attacks]
MICHAEL: I'm gonna kill you!
GRANT: Sheriff Valenti is much more creative. [dies]
JELLYFISH: [flies about]
MARIA: Uh-oh, Michael, don't let it sting you!
MICHAEL: No, it's an alien jellyfish, silly. They don't sting. They just infest the water system on the planet and destroy the world. I think I'll use my powers to draw all the air out of the room so it will suffocate.
MARIA: And which of your powers would this be? The one where you can make stuff explode and/or melt, or the one where you can change your fingerprint?
MICHAEL: Just go with it, okay, Blondie? [kills the Jellyfish]
TESS AND LIZ: YAY!!! [hug each other]
CATFIGHTERS: This is the best Roswell moment EVER. Except for the Tess/Liz bathroom scene last year.
SCENE TWENTY-THREE:
MARIA: So, it's time for prom, huh?
MICHAEL: Don't even think about it.
MARIA: Fine! We're broken up!
MICHAEL: Well it's about time, considering I broke up with you a year ago!
MARIA: Your hair is even uglier than it was last year!
MICHAEL: Ditto!
[they storm off]
MALAMUD: Have you noticed that Tess is incredibly hot?
KYLE: Have you noticed that you're so inconsequential to this episode that you don't even have a first name?
TESS: That doesn't change the fact that I'm incredibly hot. Also I have a winning personality.
KYLE: Okay, so let's go to the prom together! Even though I'm immune to your amazing alien hotness. You can make funny jokes the whole time, though. Because that's what proms are all about!
[they smile awkwardly at each other]
MAX: Liz, want to go to the prom with me?
LIZ: MAX WE ARE BROKEN UP, FOR THE ZILLIONTH TIME! I SLEPT WITH KYLE, REMEMBER?
MAX: No, just as friends!
LIZ: Really.
MAX: Really!
LIZ: Okay, fine.
MAX: Yay! We're back together! Also, btw, I remember Antar.
LIZ: I hate my life.
SEAN: But I love you, Liz!
LIZ: But I'm with Max!
SEAN AND MAX: But I thought you just said...
LIZ: Shut up.
MARIA: Liz, let's break into Michael's apartment and look through his things.
LIZ: Maria, that is illegal and scary.
MARIA: No, that is true love. One day you will learn about true love.
LIZ: [cries]
MARIA: OMG He is cheating on me!
LIZ: I thought you guys were broken up?
MARIA: ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS.
ISABEL: Alex, do you want to go to prom with me?
ALEX: Oh, who's crawling back on her knees now?
ISABEL: Please?
ALEX: No.
ISABEL: Pretty please?
ALEX: I don't think so.
ISABEL: I am begging you!!!!11111!!
ALEX: Okay, fine.
[they smile sweetly at each other]
MAX: So I'm back together with Liz.
TESS: That is not nearly as important as jello!
MAX: What?
TESS: Jello!
MAX: Jello?
TESS: Jello!
MAX: Jello!!!
[they hug]
LIZ: ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS.
SCENE TWENTY-FOUR:
MICHAEL: So instead of cheating on you, I was actually taking dance lessons to surprise you.
MARIA: So your being an asshole was a diversion tactic?
MICHAEL: Isn't that romantic of me?
MARIA: Almost as romantic as the fact that I broke into your apartment.
MICHAEL: We are so made for each other.
ALEX: You don't look half bad, Isabel.
ISABEL: Now that you are not crazy about me, I am crazy about you!
ALEX: We are so made for each other.
KYLE: Tess, I know you're hot and that we've been flirting all season, but Liz is about to break up with Max for the upteenth time and I know that you need to be there to comfort him, so I think we should just be friends.
TESS: Okay!
LIZ: Max, I think we should break up. For real this time.
MAX: No!
LIZ: Yes. You should go to Tess. [leaves]
TESS: What's up, Max?
MAX: Liz broke up with me.
TESS: I'm sorry.
MAX: Tess...you had me at jello. [they kiss]
LIZ: OMG THAT CHEATING BASTARD!
SCENE TWENTY-FIVE:
ALEX: [dies]
ISABEL: [cries]
LIZ: You! Are! Responsible!
ISABEL: Say that again, bitch!
LIZ: You! Are! Responsible!
MAX: Don't talk to Isabel like that! She is my home!
LIZ: You! Are! Responsible!
TESS: Die plz.
MARIA: Death jokes are not funny you ho!
ISABEL: Neither are ho jokes!
MARIA: It is humans against aliens!
MICHAEL: But what about me?
MARIA: You don't count. [they sleep together]
MAX: Well, you all heard what she said. [sleeps with Tess]
TESS: I am pregnant.
MAX: We had sex five minutes ago, Tess.
TESS: I am going into labor.
MAX: I haven't even finished my hour-long point of culmination!
TESS: Sorry. We gotta go to Antar.
LIZ: Wait! Max! Leanna is not Leanna!
MAX: What?
LIZ: Amy DeLuca and Kyle keep tapping their fingers!
MAX: So?
LIZ: Tess pretends to be American but she obviously is Australian! Why is she trying to cover up her accent?
MAX: Ohhhhh....you're right.
LIZ: Amy and Kyle must both have been mindwarped. There is no other reasonable explanation for the fact that they were both tapping their fingers!
TESS: But I mindwarped Max for a week last year and he never tapped his fingers.
MAX: You are also right!
ISABEL: They can't both be right!
MAX: You know, you're right too! So it must be Liz who's right, because Tess is an evil lying alien ho. Tess, did you kill Alex? And are you an evil lying alien ho?
TESS: This is ridiculous. Does everyone remember how I single-handedly saved all your asses from the Skins?
MAX: [glares]
TESS: How about when I invited Amy DeLuca to the Valenti's Christmas dinner? Was that part of my evil plan?
MAX: [glares]
TESS: I was in the Crashdown the entire time from when Alex left his home until we found out he was dead. So was Kyle.
MAX: [glares]
TESS: Fine, Max. It was all a mindwarp, and I'm really an evil alien ho who is in league with Khivar and the Skins. Whatever you say.
MAX: I knew it! It was all a mindwarp, and you're really an evil alien ho who is in league with Khivar and the Skins!
TESS: [cries]
MAX: Leave now and never come back!
TESS: What?
MAX: Leave now and never come back!!!
TESS: I hate Liz. [leaves]
KYLE: So who was Leanna, again?
[Everyone glares at him]
ISABEL: What do we do now, Max?
NOTES: The plot and characters belong to the WB and Jason Katims or whoever they belong to (not me). The "You're right" sequence is from Fiddler on the Roof, and the "Leave now and never come back" sequence is from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
SCENE ONE:
MAX: So, Maria, do you think Liz is going to get back together with me?
MARIA: No, I'd have to say you're a little bit too pathetic. Do you think Michael is going to get back together with me?
MAX: I'm too nice to answer that question.
LIZ: I'm back. And no, I'm not going to get back together with you. Because I'm working for the enemy.
WHITTAKER: Hi, I'm the enemy.
MAX: How do you do.
SCENE TWO:
MAX: So, Nasedo, what do you think of Whittaker? Do you think she's the enemy?
NASEDO: I don't know, but she's a firecracker in--
MAX: That's enough!
NASEDO: Yes, your highness.
MAX: That's enough of that, too!
NASEDO: Yes, your highness.
MAX: Stop!
NASEDO: Yes, your highness.
MAX: I mean it. Stop calling me "Your highness!"
NASEDO: Yes, your highness.
MAX: Argh!
TESS: Settle the personal crap on your own time.
MAX: So, you'll take care of Whittaker?
NASEDO: You got it.
WHITTAKER: [kills Nasedo]
NASEDO: Crap.
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
SCENE THREE:
COURTNEY: Michael, you're hot.
MICHAEL: Huh?
MARIA: I have a good idea, guys. Let's dance! For no good reason! Except so that I can make sure Michael checks me out.
LIZ, ISABEL, TESS: Sure, why not? [make fools of themselves dancing]
MARIA: [dances] Look at me, Michael!
MICHAEL: I am. But just because you're hot doesn't mean we're going to get back together.
MAX: Guess what, guys? Nasedo is dead! And I have a cut! :(
MARIA: Way to kill the mood, buster.
TESS: Well in that case, let me heal you to make Liz jealous!
MAX: Okay! Maybe then she will reconsider and go out with me.
LIZ: Nope, sorry.
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
SCENE FOUR:
KYLE: Woe is my life. If only Max Evans had let me die.
VALENTI: How was camp?
KYLE: I hate you.
SCENE FIVE:
TESS: Max, I love you.
MAX: Sorry, I don't love you back.
TESS: That's okay.
LIZ AND MARIA: OMG THAT CHEATING BASTARD!
SCENE SIX:
MAX: Sheriff, can Tess stay by you? She is afraid to stay in that big empty house all by herself. Even though it would have been a very convenient addition to the limited number of hangouts we have.
VALENTI: Sure!
TESS: Yay, can I pretend to be Kyle? [puts on Kyle's clothing]
KYLE: Ahhhh!
TESS: Nice underwear.
KYLE: God, could you possibly make me more uncomfortable.
TESS: I can certainly try!
AUDIENCE: Hey, don't be mean to Kyle, you bitch!
KYLE: Hypocrites.
TESS: Nice porn, too.
KYLE: Woe is my life! If only Max Evans had let me die.
TESS: Shut up, Kyle. My fake father figure just died. Want to be friends?
KYLE: Sure!
SCENE SEVEN:
ALEX: So, Isabel, want to get back together with me?
ISABEL: Who are you?
GRANT: I'll step in here. Hi, I'm Grant.
ISABEL: Hi, I'm Isabel.
MAX: Hi, you're thirty. She's jailbait. Get away from her.
ISABEL: Oh, Max, you do love me after all!
MAX: I wonder if Grant is a bad guy. Oh well, I guess I'll find out towards the end of the season.
SCENE EIGHT:
WHITTAKER: So, Liz, do you know that Pierce dead?
LIZ: Yes, I do know that.
WHITTAKER: That must mean that you know him.
LIZ: Yes, I do. Well, I know Nasedo, anyway.
WHITTAKER: How do you know him?
LIZ: Well, his fake alien adopted daughter broke up my relationship with Max.
WHITTAKER: Aw, don't you hate when that happens?
LIZ: Yes. It is the worst.
WHITTAKER: What is her name?
LIZ: Her name is Tess Harding and she has curly blond hair and she is currently staying at the Valenti's house. Kill her for me, Whittaker. Kill her dead.
SCENE NINE:
ALEX: [does a striptease] Notice me Isabel, notice me!
ISABEL: Hi, Grant! What's up?
GRANT: Hi, Isabel.
MRS. EVANS: You are too old for my daughter. Leave, plz.
MARIA: Courtney, lay off Michael. He's mine. Right, Michael?
MICHAEL: Huh?
COURTNEY: Hey, Michael, do you have other human urges, too?
MICHAEL: Huh?
ISABEL: I think Tess is kidnapped.
MAX: Nah, probably not.
ISABEL: Okay. Kyle, where is she?
KYLE: She's out.
ISABEL: But you're sure she's not kidnapped?
KYLE: Pretty sure.
ISABEL: Because I keep getting these flashes that she is kidnapped and hurt somewhere. And since Tess sort of has the power to give people visions, I thought maybe she is kidnapped and hurt somewhere.
KYLE: I doubt it.
ISABEL: I am leaving to rescue Tess.
KYLE: Whatever.
ISABEL: [rescues Tess]
ISABEL: Tess? What happened to you?
WHITTAKER: I beat her up because I was mad that she wasn't Vilandra.
ISABEL: You have anger management issues.
WHITTAKER: Yes. Yes, I do.
ISABEL: [kills Whittaker]
ISABEL: On the one hand, I could tell Max what I found out from Whittaker about my being an evil betrayer in the past life, and he will try to comfort me and it will bring us closer together. On the other hand, I could keep it to myself and have it slowly tear me apart inside and grow between me and the rest of the group. What a conundrum!
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
SCENE TEN:
HAL: Michael, there is another set of aliens out there.
MICHAEL: Thank you for that useful information, Hal!
SCENE ELEVEN:
FUTURE MAX: Liz, you have to push Max away.
LIZ: Oh, because right now we're on the best of terms?
FUTURE MAX: Yeah, but my old self is pathetic. He will not let you go.
LIZ: But that's what I love about him!
FUTURE MAX: But Tess will get dejected and leave Roswell. And then she will not be able to save your asses when the Skins come and make all the humans disappear.
LIZ: But Tess and Kyle have a thing going, so why would she leave?
FUTURE MAX: Oh really? Hmmm, that's a tough one. Well, maybe they will leave together.
LIZ: Okay.
FUTURE MAX: So get Tess to wear that shirt that makes her look hot.
LIZ: What? You think Tess is hot? How could you, you cheating bastard?
FUTURE MAX: Um, no! I think Tess is ugly! I think she is a gerbil! Ha ha.
LIZ: That's better.
LIZ: [pretends to sleep with Kyle]
KYLE: Liz, do you think I'm a pushover?
LIZ: Shut up and do what I tell you, okay?
KYLE: 'Kay.
MAX: [sees them and is sad]
LIZ: Woe is my life!
FUTURE MAX: That was sad. Good job. [leaves]
SCENE TWLEVE:
MICHAEL: Courtney, are you a skin?
COURTNEY: Kiss me and I'll tell you.
MICHAEL: Okay! [kisses her]
COURTNEY: Yes I am! [runs away]
MICHAEL: Okay, that was a start.
MARIA: I hate you!
MICHAEL: Why do you always have to butt into my personal life?
MARIA: Because I'm your girlfriend?
MICHAEL: Huh?
SCENE THIRTEEN:
NICHOLAS: Hi, Isabel. I think you're pretty.
ISABEL: Hi, Nicholas. I think you're not an evil villain.
NICHOLAS: Wrong! You always were a stupidhead, Vilandra. Want to make out?
ISABEL: Sure! [hits him over the head]
NICHOLAS: That is not how they do it on this planet!
SCENE FOURTEEN:
MAX: Liz, when I saw you with Kyle, was that only because a future version of me came to you and said that if you don't push me towards Tess she will leave Roswell and we will all be screwed so you pretended to sleep with him, or did you really sleep with him?
LIZ: Um, the second one.
MAX: I don't believe you.
TESS: So, Liz, what is sex like?
LIZ: Why don't you go sleep with my soulmate and find out?! You bitch.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
MARIA: So, you seem a little bit obsessed with my boyfriend.
MICHAEL: I'm not your boyfriend.
COURTNEY: I'm not obsessed with him. I'm just a Michael-worshipper.
MARIA: Oh, well in that case, help us rescue our friends.
COURTNEY: Okay! [helps them rescue their friends]
SCENE SIXTEEN:
NICHOLAS: Courtney, where is the granolith?
COURTNEY: [dies]
NICHOLAS: Max, where is the granolith? Courtney is dead, by the way.
TESS: [kills all the skins]
TESS: What do we do now, Max?
SCENE SEVENTEEN:
LONNIE, RATH AND AVA: Yo yo yo, we the Dupes. We think we hot shit since we from New Yawk and we talk like this, foo'.
THE ROSWELL CROWD: What?
LONNIE: Max, come wit us to da Big Apple, mofo.
AUDIENCE: Real New Yorkers don't call it the Big Apple, you poser!
MAX: But I'll miss the real Isabel too much!
ISABEL: Yes!
LONNIE: [dresses up as Isabel] I hate you, Max.
MAX: [cries] I'm going to New York! And while I'm there I'll grow closer to Tess and our relationship will slowly develop! Just to spite you!
ISABEL: [cries]
NICHOLAS: Let's get on with it, no?
TESS: Shut up, you little shit.
AUDIENCE: How come he's still alive again?
JASON KATIMS: [shrugs]
NICHOLAS: Can I have the granolith? Please?
MAX: Ummmmm....no.
NICHOLAS: Damn. Can I kill you and Tess instead?
TESS: Ummmmm....no.
SCENE EIGHTEEN:
AVA: By the way, Liz, Max turned you into an alien by healing you.
LIZ: That's weird; I thought he just fixed my torn-apart inside parts.
AVA: Yeah, that makes you an alien.
LIZ: Does that mean that Maria's air conditioner is also an alien, because Isabel fixed it that one time?
MARIA: Oh man, I hate hot blond alien chicks.
AVA: I have to leave Roswell before Max and Tess come back. Because if Tess and I are in the same room at the same time, then the fabric holding the universe together will be torn apart.
KYLE: Wait, am I an alien too?
TESS: If you like Tabasco sauce you are!
KYLE: Do I have sekrit powers?
TESS: Yes! And I will play a trick on you by actually pressing the buttons on the remote instead of mindwarping you, because I respect you and your brain, Kyle.
KYLE: Girls in bathing suits is not what I call porn!
SCENE NINETEEN:
MAX: Isabel, please do not go out with Grant.
ISABEL: But I want to be normal!
MAX: What's so great about normal? Can he graffiti your house with his bare hands? Or make streetlamps spin in circles?
ISABEL: Max...
MAX: Anyway, since when do normal teenagers date thirty-year-olds?
ISABEL: Max, do you love me?
MAX: Yes, but I'm not willing to admit it. Just don't go out with him!
ISABEL: Max, if you won't admit that you love me, don't expect me to wait around for you and not date thirty-year-old men!
SCENE TWENTY:
SEAN: Hey, Parker, looking good!
LIZ: Thanks, that's sweet.
MARIA: I'm going to kick your ass, Sean.
LIZ: Why? That was a nice thing to say, wasn't it?
SCENE TWENTY-ONE:
ISABEL: [gets flashes of a tortured girl]
MAX: Is she by any chance being tortured by Grant?
ISABEL: Um....yes!
MAX: I knew it! He is a bad seed. Ha ha, now you can't go out with him.
VALENTI: Grant, I'm going to rip you a new one!
GRANT: Sheriff, that's not very professional.
VALENTI: I'm going to smack you so hard you'll cry for a month.
GRANT: Seriously, you're stalking me, and I don't think it's very nice.
VALENTI: I can take you apart piece by piece and make sure you stay concious enough to feel every second of it.
GRANT: [cries]
THE CITY OF ROSWELL: Sheriff Valenti, you are a bad man.
GRANT: Actually, he's right. I am the bad guy.
ISABEL: I don't believe it! Another person who randomly showed up in Roswell at the beginning of the season is not what s/he seems?
GRANT: Only there's a twist! I'm not inherently a bad guy, I'm just being possessed by an evil alien jellyfish virus that's flying around inside my chest.
ISABEL: So how is there room for your lungs?
ALEX: Guess what, guys! I'm back!...I'm back from Sweden! And I'm over Isabel...Guys? Is anyone there?
SCENE TWENTY-TWO:
LAURIE: Can't sleep the aliens will get me!
MICHAEL: We will not.
LAURIE: Ahhhh someone help me mommy grandpa I am scared!
MARIA: Shut up, you tramp. Michael, stop being mean to Laurie!
MICHAEL: I hate my life.
LAURIE'S AUNT AND UNCLE: You have the same DNA as our father. You must be an illegitimate clone who feels that, as a clone of our father, you should be entitled to some inheritance. Here is money.
MARIA: Let's use Laurie's natural right to this property to get even more money and goodies!
MICHAEL: That's immoral.
MARIA: Bring on the DVDs!
MICHAEL: YAY DVDS YAY
GRANT: [attacks]
MICHAEL: I'm gonna kill you!
GRANT: Sheriff Valenti is much more creative. [dies]
JELLYFISH: [flies about]
MARIA: Uh-oh, Michael, don't let it sting you!
MICHAEL: No, it's an alien jellyfish, silly. They don't sting. They just infest the water system on the planet and destroy the world. I think I'll use my powers to draw all the air out of the room so it will suffocate.
MARIA: And which of your powers would this be? The one where you can make stuff explode and/or melt, or the one where you can change your fingerprint?
MICHAEL: Just go with it, okay, Blondie? [kills the Jellyfish]
TESS AND LIZ: YAY!!! [hug each other]
CATFIGHTERS: This is the best Roswell moment EVER. Except for the Tess/Liz bathroom scene last year.
SCENE TWENTY-THREE:
MARIA: So, it's time for prom, huh?
MICHAEL: Don't even think about it.
MARIA: Fine! We're broken up!
MICHAEL: Well it's about time, considering I broke up with you a year ago!
MARIA: Your hair is even uglier than it was last year!
MICHAEL: Ditto!
[they storm off]
MALAMUD: Have you noticed that Tess is incredibly hot?
KYLE: Have you noticed that you're so inconsequential to this episode that you don't even have a first name?
TESS: That doesn't change the fact that I'm incredibly hot. Also I have a winning personality.
KYLE: Okay, so let's go to the prom together! Even though I'm immune to your amazing alien hotness. You can make funny jokes the whole time, though. Because that's what proms are all about!
[they smile awkwardly at each other]
MAX: Liz, want to go to the prom with me?
LIZ: MAX WE ARE BROKEN UP, FOR THE ZILLIONTH TIME! I SLEPT WITH KYLE, REMEMBER?
MAX: No, just as friends!
LIZ: Really.
MAX: Really!
LIZ: Okay, fine.
MAX: Yay! We're back together! Also, btw, I remember Antar.
LIZ: I hate my life.
SEAN: But I love you, Liz!
LIZ: But I'm with Max!
SEAN AND MAX: But I thought you just said...
LIZ: Shut up.
MARIA: Liz, let's break into Michael's apartment and look through his things.
LIZ: Maria, that is illegal and scary.
MARIA: No, that is true love. One day you will learn about true love.
LIZ: [cries]
MARIA: OMG He is cheating on me!
LIZ: I thought you guys were broken up?
MARIA: ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS.
ISABEL: Alex, do you want to go to prom with me?
ALEX: Oh, who's crawling back on her knees now?
ISABEL: Please?
ALEX: No.
ISABEL: Pretty please?
ALEX: I don't think so.
ISABEL: I am begging you!!!!11111!!
ALEX: Okay, fine.
[they smile sweetly at each other]
MAX: So I'm back together with Liz.
TESS: That is not nearly as important as jello!
MAX: What?
TESS: Jello!
MAX: Jello?
TESS: Jello!
MAX: Jello!!!
[they hug]
LIZ: ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS.
SCENE TWENTY-FOUR:
MICHAEL: So instead of cheating on you, I was actually taking dance lessons to surprise you.
MARIA: So your being an asshole was a diversion tactic?
MICHAEL: Isn't that romantic of me?
MARIA: Almost as romantic as the fact that I broke into your apartment.
MICHAEL: We are so made for each other.
ALEX: You don't look half bad, Isabel.
ISABEL: Now that you are not crazy about me, I am crazy about you!
ALEX: We are so made for each other.
KYLE: Tess, I know you're hot and that we've been flirting all season, but Liz is about to break up with Max for the upteenth time and I know that you need to be there to comfort him, so I think we should just be friends.
TESS: Okay!
LIZ: Max, I think we should break up. For real this time.
MAX: No!
LIZ: Yes. You should go to Tess. [leaves]
TESS: What's up, Max?
MAX: Liz broke up with me.
TESS: I'm sorry.
MAX: Tess...you had me at jello. [they kiss]
LIZ: OMG THAT CHEATING BASTARD!
SCENE TWENTY-FIVE:
ALEX: [dies]
ISABEL: [cries]
LIZ: You! Are! Responsible!
ISABEL: Say that again, bitch!
LIZ: You! Are! Responsible!
MAX: Don't talk to Isabel like that! She is my home!
LIZ: You! Are! Responsible!
TESS: Die plz.
MARIA: Death jokes are not funny you ho!
ISABEL: Neither are ho jokes!
MARIA: It is humans against aliens!
MICHAEL: But what about me?
MARIA: You don't count. [they sleep together]
MAX: Well, you all heard what she said. [sleeps with Tess]
TESS: I am pregnant.
MAX: We had sex five minutes ago, Tess.
TESS: I am going into labor.
MAX: I haven't even finished my hour-long point of culmination!
TESS: Sorry. We gotta go to Antar.
LIZ: Wait! Max! Leanna is not Leanna!
MAX: What?
LIZ: Amy DeLuca and Kyle keep tapping their fingers!
MAX: So?
LIZ: Tess pretends to be American but she obviously is Australian! Why is she trying to cover up her accent?
MAX: Ohhhhh....you're right.
LIZ: Amy and Kyle must both have been mindwarped. There is no other reasonable explanation for the fact that they were both tapping their fingers!
TESS: But I mindwarped Max for a week last year and he never tapped his fingers.
MAX: You are also right!
ISABEL: They can't both be right!
MAX: You know, you're right too! So it must be Liz who's right, because Tess is an evil lying alien ho. Tess, did you kill Alex? And are you an evil lying alien ho?
TESS: This is ridiculous. Does everyone remember how I single-handedly saved all your asses from the Skins?
MAX: [glares]
TESS: How about when I invited Amy DeLuca to the Valenti's Christmas dinner? Was that part of my evil plan?
MAX: [glares]
TESS: I was in the Crashdown the entire time from when Alex left his home until we found out he was dead. So was Kyle.
MAX: [glares]
TESS: Fine, Max. It was all a mindwarp, and I'm really an evil alien ho who is in league with Khivar and the Skins. Whatever you say.
MAX: I knew it! It was all a mindwarp, and you're really an evil alien ho who is in league with Khivar and the Skins!
TESS: [cries]
MAX: Leave now and never come back!
TESS: What?
MAX: Leave now and never come back!!!
TESS: I hate Liz. [leaves]
KYLE: So who was Leanna, again?
[Everyone glares at him]
ISABEL: What do we do now, Max?