Romania journal excerpts part 3
Okay...here we go again. Let's see how much I can pound out tonight. :)
Day 14 (7/13/07): Romans 8:35-39 (More than Conquerors)
The note in my Bible on this passage says, "Paul wanted to show his readers that suffering does not separate believers from Christ but actually carries them along toward their ultimate goal."
v. 36: "For your sake we face death all day long."
Lord, in all things, You reign! Thank You so much for this truth. Thank You that nothing -- absolutely nothing -- can separate me from Christ Jesus and from Your perfect love...not even my own failures and shortcomings.
You are so good, Father! I am still trying to process the work You did the other day with those girls. How blessed I am to have been able to witness such a transformation in each of their lives! And may they continue to grown in You and remember the power of Your love. Help me to remember it, too.
And Lord, don't let me forget the changes you have begun in me over the last nine days. You are the forgiver, and it is so important for me not to take that lightly. No more "blanket" prayers for forgiveness -- as painful as it is to name my sin and offer it up to You, I need to do it. I felt so much relief when I confessed my anger and sought Your forgiveness.
I love You SO much, Lord! Help me to live it out in every action and word.
...I finished reading Redeeming Love in the van on the way back to Cluj [from camp]. It was a really good book. Next is The Five Love Languages. Right now it's 4:30 a.m. at home, so I can't call Curt for a few more hours.
(later)
I called Curt at 5 p.m. and it was so, SO good to hear his voice. He was awake already (it was 7 a.m. home time) because he was on his way to church with Billy. Anyway...it kinda made me even sadder because now that I've talked to him for a few minutes, I wish I could see him right now. :( But I'll be okay, because there is still so much in store for me here the next few weeks, and I am still going to stay focused on God and what He has for me to do and learn.
...The more I think about Curt and tell my teammates and friends about him, the more I see just how lucky I am to have him in my life -- and as my boyfriend to boot! Lord, help me not to mess this up. And please give Curt patience with me, because I know I still have so much learning and growing to do before I can even begin to measure up to the kind of woman he deserves.
I called Dad tonight and it was awesome talking to him for a few minutes. Tomorrow we're going to a castle. It'll be amazing.
Day 15 (7/14/07): Colossians 1:15-20 (Supremacy of Christ)
Wow. God is so good. This passage reminds me that Christ is not just someone who saved me from my sins (which in itself is incredible), but He is the reflection of GOD; He is the image of the invisible God. His life on earth reveals God's character, so I can learn how to be more like Him through Jesus' life. I'm merely made IN God's image -- Christ IS God's image! This passage says "all creation," "all things" and "everything" seven times. Christ is supreme over all. How, then, can I go one hour without falling on my knees in awe of Him? All of God's "fullness" dwells in Christ -- His powers and attributes, His love and mercy. Like I said...Wow.
(2 p.m.)
SUNFLOWERS!! Thousands of them! We're on our way to the castle in Hunedoara, and there have been tons of patches on the way with huge fields of sunflowers. I wish we could stop so I could sit among them and pick one and fall in love with God's incredible creation...I miss Curt!
(late evening)
After we visited the castle, we went to dinner at a restaurant called Paradis, and it was seriously gorgeous. I felt like I was in a tropical vacation getaway or something. But anyway, when we'd all finished eating dinner and were waiting for dessert, we had a quick debriefing with both teams. Jim asked us to pick a "bead" (based on the memory bracelets some of us made at camp) that represented something God had done or shown us while we were at camp. It was really neat to see what each person said, especially a couple of the Hungarians who I didn't get to know very well, like Erika. I wanted to pick the light blue one to represent tears, but Lori went right when I was about to and said almost exactly what I was thinking, lol. But I chose yellow to represent God's revelation to me, like light in a dark place...because I was so ready to love the kids and see what God would do in their lives, but I really wasn't expecting Him to work in me in such a significant way. I think I babbled about stuff before I finally said anything very meaningful, but I tried.
Day 16 (7/15/07)
...Tonight (in about half an hour), we are having a service with the kids to close out camp, and I am sharing some kind of testimony. I wanted to write something out, but I don't think I have the focus right now. So I'm praying God will give me the right words. For now, I'm gonna go see if the kids are arriving at the church yet. I'm so excited to see them one last time. And yet, so sad, too.
(after the service)
I must be in denial, because saying goodbye to the kids tonight really wasn't that hard. Maybe it means I will see them again. Or maybe I am just a jerk. But I will miss each of them a ton. Anita (my angel) gave me a photo of herself, and AnnaMaria (my sheep) gave me a tiny porcelain doll with a picture of her tied to it. What a treasure! And Pedro was crying, which is huge! The only time I almost cried, though, was when Salome, Ruben and Deborah (all siblings) got up to leave in the middle of the service. (They had to catch a train to their home town, about three hours away.) Salome looked at me with tears and I ran out of my row (on stage) to hug her. She is so precious. I will never forget her.
...I've felt kind of in a spiritual funk this weekend. Maybe it's just this transition from Cluj to Bicaz, and I'm just taking a break of sorts; but I need to stay focused on God regardless of what we're doing, even if it's just resting between locations.... Lori, Casey, Laurel and Charis are leaving (for home) at 6:45 in the morning, and Nicole E's family is taking her tomorrow sometime, too. It's going to be weird to lose so much of our team. :(
Day 17 (7/16/07): John 15:5-8 (Vine & Branches)
How great is God to respond to my "spiritual funk" with this perfect answer: Remain in Me and you will bear fruit. It doesn't matter if I don;t have a specific task to do to serve someone; I just need to be close to God all day. I can rest in Him. And that is what I did today. I praised Him silently as we drove past so much of His beautiful creation [on our long drive from Cluj to Bicaz] -- more sunflowers! And mountains, and fields, and cozy little villages...all of it is so beautiful.
Lord, help me to remember to dwell in You at all times...whether I have a specific job to do to serve you, or not. I want to be in Your presence at ALL times! I know You have something planned her in Bicaz, even though everything seems so undecided right now. Help us to be flexible and hard-working.
Day 18 (7/17/07): John 15:9-17
..."Remain in my love." How do I do that? "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love." Oh. That sounds easy enough...what commands? "My command is this: love each other as I have loved you." Oh...that's a big task.
Lord, thank You that I can call You -- Jesus -- friend. Thank You for choosing me! Help me to bear the fruit You want me to bear. Help me to love everyone I interact with today. I feel like it is going to be difficult to do that at some points, so please be my strength and my guide.
"Jesus, be the center..."
(morning)
Monica woke me up a little before 8 and said my dad was on the phone. So when I said hello and heard a voice that was not my dad's it took me a second to realize it was Curt. :) He's at Disneyland! I called him last night (noonish home time) and left a message with the phone number here at Monica's parents' house. Anyway, he called me from a payphone while his dad and sister waited, so we only talked for like five minutes. But he said he wanted to call me and say he missed me and would get a calling card so he could talk to me some more. He sounded kind of sad, or maybe just tired from being at Disneyland all day. I hope he is doing okay. :-\
...I'm feeling really weary about staying here in Bicaz-Chei for three weeks. It just seems like we don't have much of a place here, like we are just going to be doing arbitrary or random things to try to help out. But I know God has a plan, and i am trying to focus on that rather than on how hard or strange it will be to spend the last two weeks here with only Monica and Raeshell left.
Today there are some doctors coming from the US to give free medical checkups of some sort, and we're going to help them somehow. Monica will probably help translate, and maybe the rest of us will just spend time with kids or other people coming to get checked.
...Monica's uncle Ghita lives right next door to where we are staying. He has an adopted daughter named Bianca who he's had for about two years. She's seven and so full of energy. She is already in love with Shell and Nicole, and she talks SO much, not caring that we can't understand anything she says (except a few words here and there). But she is really joyful and I think she's excited to have finally met her cousin (Monica).
I finished The Five Love Languages on the bus ride here yesterday. It was weird reading it because it's written for people who are married, but I got a lot of insight from it for my relationship with Curt, and even with friends and family. Now all I have left to read is Searching for God Knows What, Mere Christianity, and the book from Andrea's Romanian friend called Abandoned for Life. No more fiction. :( How did I manage to only bring ONE fiction book? What a slacker. Anyway, I think I might actually finish ALL of the books I brought here, which I totall didn't think was possible. We'll see.
(later)
Today has been pretty good. The other team from America is from South Carolina, and they've been doing this medical trip for ten years. They have their system down really well, but we've been able to help, too. They take the kids out to play games, do crafts and learn Bible stories while their parents wait for medical help, optometrist checkups, etc. And a couple of the doctors have been sharing the gospel with those who are waiting, and even with the patients during their exams.
But I feel anxious about the rest of our time here. We don't really have anything to do until Friday, so we are taking tomorrow for sight-seeing and Thursday to rest. I just feel like we are here without much purpose (other than today -- God has totally blessed us with this team to work with -- but they leave tonight).... I kind of wish I could go home with the rest of the team a week from today, or go back to Cluj and help Emese and the Hungarians in a way that is more constructive if that would be possible. I don't want to spend the rest of this trip feeling useless or guilty for doing a ton of sight-seeing and hanging around spending team money on food.
(still later)
I hate this feeling inside me. I just want to give up. But I know I can't, and I know I need to trust in God, but I am just so weary.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28
Okay, God. Here I am. Help me to change my attitude. Change my heart and give me peace. I want to serve You, and I don't want to feel so frustrated and useless. Give me direction and motivation.
__________________________________
Whew. This is really draining. I gotta get some sleep. I might get through the end of this journal by the end of the month...maybe. :-P
Day 14 (7/13/07): Romans 8:35-39 (More than Conquerors)
The note in my Bible on this passage says, "Paul wanted to show his readers that suffering does not separate believers from Christ but actually carries them along toward their ultimate goal."
v. 36: "For your sake we face death all day long."
Lord, in all things, You reign! Thank You so much for this truth. Thank You that nothing -- absolutely nothing -- can separate me from Christ Jesus and from Your perfect love...not even my own failures and shortcomings.
You are so good, Father! I am still trying to process the work You did the other day with those girls. How blessed I am to have been able to witness such a transformation in each of their lives! And may they continue to grown in You and remember the power of Your love. Help me to remember it, too.
And Lord, don't let me forget the changes you have begun in me over the last nine days. You are the forgiver, and it is so important for me not to take that lightly. No more "blanket" prayers for forgiveness -- as painful as it is to name my sin and offer it up to You, I need to do it. I felt so much relief when I confessed my anger and sought Your forgiveness.
I love You SO much, Lord! Help me to live it out in every action and word.
...I finished reading Redeeming Love in the van on the way back to Cluj [from camp]. It was a really good book. Next is The Five Love Languages. Right now it's 4:30 a.m. at home, so I can't call Curt for a few more hours.
(later)
I called Curt at 5 p.m. and it was so, SO good to hear his voice. He was awake already (it was 7 a.m. home time) because he was on his way to church with Billy. Anyway...it kinda made me even sadder because now that I've talked to him for a few minutes, I wish I could see him right now. :( But I'll be okay, because there is still so much in store for me here the next few weeks, and I am still going to stay focused on God and what He has for me to do and learn.
...The more I think about Curt and tell my teammates and friends about him, the more I see just how lucky I am to have him in my life -- and as my boyfriend to boot! Lord, help me not to mess this up. And please give Curt patience with me, because I know I still have so much learning and growing to do before I can even begin to measure up to the kind of woman he deserves.
I called Dad tonight and it was awesome talking to him for a few minutes. Tomorrow we're going to a castle. It'll be amazing.
Day 15 (7/14/07): Colossians 1:15-20 (Supremacy of Christ)
Wow. God is so good. This passage reminds me that Christ is not just someone who saved me from my sins (which in itself is incredible), but He is the reflection of GOD; He is the image of the invisible God. His life on earth reveals God's character, so I can learn how to be more like Him through Jesus' life. I'm merely made IN God's image -- Christ IS God's image! This passage says "all creation," "all things" and "everything" seven times. Christ is supreme over all. How, then, can I go one hour without falling on my knees in awe of Him? All of God's "fullness" dwells in Christ -- His powers and attributes, His love and mercy. Like I said...Wow.
(2 p.m.)
SUNFLOWERS!! Thousands of them! We're on our way to the castle in Hunedoara, and there have been tons of patches on the way with huge fields of sunflowers. I wish we could stop so I could sit among them and pick one and fall in love with God's incredible creation...I miss Curt!
(late evening)
After we visited the castle, we went to dinner at a restaurant called Paradis, and it was seriously gorgeous. I felt like I was in a tropical vacation getaway or something. But anyway, when we'd all finished eating dinner and were waiting for dessert, we had a quick debriefing with both teams. Jim asked us to pick a "bead" (based on the memory bracelets some of us made at camp) that represented something God had done or shown us while we were at camp. It was really neat to see what each person said, especially a couple of the Hungarians who I didn't get to know very well, like Erika. I wanted to pick the light blue one to represent tears, but Lori went right when I was about to and said almost exactly what I was thinking, lol. But I chose yellow to represent God's revelation to me, like light in a dark place...because I was so ready to love the kids and see what God would do in their lives, but I really wasn't expecting Him to work in me in such a significant way. I think I babbled about stuff before I finally said anything very meaningful, but I tried.
Day 16 (7/15/07)
...Tonight (in about half an hour), we are having a service with the kids to close out camp, and I am sharing some kind of testimony. I wanted to write something out, but I don't think I have the focus right now. So I'm praying God will give me the right words. For now, I'm gonna go see if the kids are arriving at the church yet. I'm so excited to see them one last time. And yet, so sad, too.
(after the service)
I must be in denial, because saying goodbye to the kids tonight really wasn't that hard. Maybe it means I will see them again. Or maybe I am just a jerk. But I will miss each of them a ton. Anita (my angel) gave me a photo of herself, and AnnaMaria (my sheep) gave me a tiny porcelain doll with a picture of her tied to it. What a treasure! And Pedro was crying, which is huge! The only time I almost cried, though, was when Salome, Ruben and Deborah (all siblings) got up to leave in the middle of the service. (They had to catch a train to their home town, about three hours away.) Salome looked at me with tears and I ran out of my row (on stage) to hug her. She is so precious. I will never forget her.
...I've felt kind of in a spiritual funk this weekend. Maybe it's just this transition from Cluj to Bicaz, and I'm just taking a break of sorts; but I need to stay focused on God regardless of what we're doing, even if it's just resting between locations.... Lori, Casey, Laurel and Charis are leaving (for home) at 6:45 in the morning, and Nicole E's family is taking her tomorrow sometime, too. It's going to be weird to lose so much of our team. :(
Day 17 (7/16/07): John 15:5-8 (Vine & Branches)
How great is God to respond to my "spiritual funk" with this perfect answer: Remain in Me and you will bear fruit. It doesn't matter if I don;t have a specific task to do to serve someone; I just need to be close to God all day. I can rest in Him. And that is what I did today. I praised Him silently as we drove past so much of His beautiful creation [on our long drive from Cluj to Bicaz] -- more sunflowers! And mountains, and fields, and cozy little villages...all of it is so beautiful.
Lord, help me to remember to dwell in You at all times...whether I have a specific job to do to serve you, or not. I want to be in Your presence at ALL times! I know You have something planned her in Bicaz, even though everything seems so undecided right now. Help us to be flexible and hard-working.
Day 18 (7/17/07): John 15:9-17
..."Remain in my love." How do I do that? "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love." Oh. That sounds easy enough...what commands? "My command is this: love each other as I have loved you." Oh...that's a big task.
Lord, thank You that I can call You -- Jesus -- friend. Thank You for choosing me! Help me to bear the fruit You want me to bear. Help me to love everyone I interact with today. I feel like it is going to be difficult to do that at some points, so please be my strength and my guide.
"Jesus, be the center..."
(morning)
Monica woke me up a little before 8 and said my dad was on the phone. So when I said hello and heard a voice that was not my dad's it took me a second to realize it was Curt. :) He's at Disneyland! I called him last night (noonish home time) and left a message with the phone number here at Monica's parents' house. Anyway, he called me from a payphone while his dad and sister waited, so we only talked for like five minutes. But he said he wanted to call me and say he missed me and would get a calling card so he could talk to me some more. He sounded kind of sad, or maybe just tired from being at Disneyland all day. I hope he is doing okay. :-\
...I'm feeling really weary about staying here in Bicaz-Chei for three weeks. It just seems like we don't have much of a place here, like we are just going to be doing arbitrary or random things to try to help out. But I know God has a plan, and i am trying to focus on that rather than on how hard or strange it will be to spend the last two weeks here with only Monica and Raeshell left.
Today there are some doctors coming from the US to give free medical checkups of some sort, and we're going to help them somehow. Monica will probably help translate, and maybe the rest of us will just spend time with kids or other people coming to get checked.
...Monica's uncle Ghita lives right next door to where we are staying. He has an adopted daughter named Bianca who he's had for about two years. She's seven and so full of energy. She is already in love with Shell and Nicole, and she talks SO much, not caring that we can't understand anything she says (except a few words here and there). But she is really joyful and I think she's excited to have finally met her cousin (Monica).
I finished The Five Love Languages on the bus ride here yesterday. It was weird reading it because it's written for people who are married, but I got a lot of insight from it for my relationship with Curt, and even with friends and family. Now all I have left to read is Searching for God Knows What, Mere Christianity, and the book from Andrea's Romanian friend called Abandoned for Life. No more fiction. :( How did I manage to only bring ONE fiction book? What a slacker. Anyway, I think I might actually finish ALL of the books I brought here, which I totall didn't think was possible. We'll see.
(later)
Today has been pretty good. The other team from America is from South Carolina, and they've been doing this medical trip for ten years. They have their system down really well, but we've been able to help, too. They take the kids out to play games, do crafts and learn Bible stories while their parents wait for medical help, optometrist checkups, etc. And a couple of the doctors have been sharing the gospel with those who are waiting, and even with the patients during their exams.
But I feel anxious about the rest of our time here. We don't really have anything to do until Friday, so we are taking tomorrow for sight-seeing and Thursday to rest. I just feel like we are here without much purpose (other than today -- God has totally blessed us with this team to work with -- but they leave tonight).... I kind of wish I could go home with the rest of the team a week from today, or go back to Cluj and help Emese and the Hungarians in a way that is more constructive if that would be possible. I don't want to spend the rest of this trip feeling useless or guilty for doing a ton of sight-seeing and hanging around spending team money on food.
(still later)
I hate this feeling inside me. I just want to give up. But I know I can't, and I know I need to trust in God, but I am just so weary.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28
Okay, God. Here I am. Help me to change my attitude. Change my heart and give me peace. I want to serve You, and I don't want to feel so frustrated and useless. Give me direction and motivation.
__________________________________
Whew. This is really draining. I gotta get some sleep. I might get through the end of this journal by the end of the month...maybe. :-P