Vent Post: We Really Need Boundaries
Looks like Thanksgiving is going to be very small. Martyr and Mayhem have invited B and I to join them at the Country Club. I'm actually really thrilled about this development, because just today, I sent B an e-mail telling him that given all the new drama with P (allegedly) not being over him, I'm really not in a place to tolerate a holiday under the same roof. I basically put my foot down and told B that Sephie and I would not be attending any such function, and although as a grown man he can make his own decisions, I would prefer he, as my husband, not, either.
The thing is, I think my in-laws forcing her and I to exist under the same roof for holiday functions like some breathing Norman Rockwell painting has always been disrespectful to me, as B's partner. That's kind of a given. It was especially insensitive given that their affair took place over Thanksgiving, and it's also worth pointing out that they have never invited any of the exes with whom their children have reproduced, so why has P always been singled out? I'm not sure, but it's been a source of constant conflict and disagreement between the Clan and I, who have basically told me my feelings are childish and petty.
What's funny is, I suspected for years her attendance at these events wasn't just meant to make me uncomfortable, it was meant to recapture B's attention. People told me that was crazy and I was just being irrationally jealous and paranoid, even though within a short amount of time of me moving to California, P was dating that cocaine-dealing spouse batterer. I remember Martyr telling me that P was "totally over B" and had moved on, really loving this new guy. Then when that relationship went to hell (because the cocaine-dealing spouse batterer threw P through a door) and B and I got married a year later, I remember Martyr telling me to be more compassionate to how hard the year had been for P since she'd "watched the love of her life marry somebody else." Revisionist, much?
Anyway, the holidays. So everyone and their mom knew I was uncomfortable having to share space with P, and that I didn't want to be there. But unlike P, I had nowhere else to go, and it was made pretty clear to me early on that a bad relationship with B's family was not conducive to our relationship. So I think she enjoyed having that power over me, and really relished it. I think it surprised her how quickly that faded, once B and I got married. That isn't to say she hasn't received some preferential treatment, but she isn't number one anymore, and she's coming to terms with her own insignificance in the greater scheme of the clan dynamics. Attempting to reignite her relationship with B might be her last attempt to cling to those straws.
She had just started dating her boyfriend around Christmas last year, and I remember hearing rumors that they had gotten into a fight over her attendance at the Clan's Christmas party. He was supposed to come, but didn't. And I can't say I blame him. I would have been really weirded out if, after paternity was established and the holidays came up, B wanted us to attend a holiday party with P's family. But that was also back when P had convinced everyone that I was the cause of their break-up, showing the first of many similar incidents that when faced with accepting responsibility for acting like a jackass, she would take the road of most sympathy by totally deflecting or, in this case, bald-faced lying.
Blah blah blah, I'm not saying anything new. But even people with really shitty boundaries, like me, recognize that the situation is not healthy. Don't get me wrong, I know there are some dynamics where it works. Like in the case of my cousin, the genius. He works for Microsoft, so naturally, he lives in Seattle. When his marriage ended, his ex-wife relocated to their hometown in Texas, near where my aunt lives. His ex-wife is regularly included on family outings with my aunt, but I think the situation is different because he isn't in Texas himself. My understanding is that he doesn't often attend the family events just due to the distance, so I don't see it really eroding any boundaries. Not to mention that, at least to my knowledge, the marriage ended not because of infidelity and abuse.
I might feel differently about P's involvement with my in-laws if her relationship with B hadn't ended on those grounds, or if we weren't here and it was the only way to keep H's relationship to B's side still healthy and strong. But with none of those things actually being the case, it just has OMG BAD BOUNDARIES written all over it. And given that she has not only tried (repeatedly) to sabotage my relationship, but has made it clear she's still after my husband, am I wrong in thinking that this is just nowhere near acceptable?
I'm to the point where I'm almost tempted to insist just P and I go to counseling. Things are honestly much worse between us than they've ever been, though I seriously doubt she knows that. She's done a number of really terrible things to me over the years, and although I reference those hurts a lot, I can also say I've done a lot of individual work to integrate most of those experiences into my life and move on. But the three things I can't let go of?
1. She crashed my wedding, and basically trashed me to my 10-year-old sister (including telling her something to the effect she wasn't actually a flower girl because it wasn't a "real wedding");
2. She told B that if I didn't get an abortion, we'd never see H again; and
3. She started her weight loss routine to coincide with my pregnancy weight gain with the ultimate intention of "stealing" B back on my wedding day.
I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of parallel parenting. I'm sick of paying her $400 a month in child support, plus whatever we spend at our house on his food, clothes and toys when we have him all day Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, plus half of Wednesday and every other Saturday. I'm sick of her refusing to be where she says she'll be when she says she'll be there. I'm sick of her deciding that she only needs to work with us half of the time, and be a parent half of the time, but demanding that we acquiesce to her ALL the time. This feeling is amplified at the moment, because I got my ass chewed out at the preschool today as a result of HER not taking his soiled underpants with her when she picked him up on Thursday. He had three pairs of underwear that sat in fecal matter for four days (because he had two accidents on Wednesday and one on Thursday, and the preschool was closed on Friday) and despite the fact it was HER responsibility to pick it up, she didn't
There are a lot of days where I want to hate B for ever getting involved with her. Even though I know that if it weren't for her pregnancy and incredibly stupid decision to throw B away like trash, we wouldn't be together now. But there's a lot of hurt that will never be addressed, and more to come, no doubt.
And right now, I'm just feeling to raw to keep having it thrown back in my face by pretending we're some big happy blended family that we aren't.