fic: we might have been
we might have been
snsd: seohyun-focus
g
1020 words
we might have been
Late at night, when her parents think she’s already gone to bed, Seohyun sometimes watches taped varieties on her crummy video player and imagines herself amongst the stars. Imagines herself with four, maybe five girls around her age holding hands on a stage. Imagines fans chanting her name, holding up glittery banners and posters and people on the streets recognizing her as that pretty girl group member from television. Seohyun feels as if she’s chasing fireworks, chasing the tails of brightly glowing fireflies, as if she’s reaching for something that will unlock the future for her to rummage through.
She’ll wake up the next morning with eyes crusty and red from staying up too late and her parents will eventually figure out what she’s been doing and banish her from television for the next few days to teach her a lesson. Seohyun’s too young to turn to teenage rebellion and she hears about them anyway, from billboards and advertisements full of idols endorsing cosmetics and snacks.
There are only a few girls in her class that want to become singers or models or actors and Seohyun’s never been a people-person anyway, so she doesn’t talk about what she wants to be. She’s a little embarrassed, as well, since the entertainment world seems so far away, so unattainable compared to her day-to-day predicaments, like another kid cutting in front of her in a line or not returning borrowed pencils and erasers. Like idols with glamorous lifestyles and beautiful appearances live on the upper floor while Seohyun watches from the ground.
Seohyun’s only nine years old and she allows herself to dream and cradle it, nurture it, before laying it to rest at the bottom drawer of her heart, to collect dust and fray and, perhaps, to rekindle.
Two years later Seohyun’s as close to a quarrel as she’s ever been with her parents. Her mother’s using guilt-trips and pressure and besides, the life-span of an idol group is only around seven years before they fizz out of the public’s memory, or before they deteriorate to nothing amongst themselves. Her father is decidedly neutral, gently supportive, and he tells Seohyun how he himself wanted to be a scientist or an architect or - and then Seohyun’s mother will tell him to stop encouraging her, because there won’t be anything at the end of this path.
Seohyun barely eats any dinner, just mixes her rice with pieces of kimchi and cries herself to sleep.
She finds herself sitting in the backseat while her father drives her to the SM auditions three days later, heart beating one hundred and fifty times a minute, until she can’t feel it anymore and she has to pinch herself to remind herself that she’s here. Seohyun wonders if her mother knows.
Seohyun’s father accompanies her to the waiting room where he’s asked to either leave or wait outside and he gives her a hug that brings tears to her eyes. When Seohyun says, “I don’t know what to do,” he pats her on the head and tells her to never agree to something she doesn’t want.
When Seohyun looks around the room, everyone seems to have their little clique or someone to talk to, something to busy themselves with to look preoccupied. Most of them just look as if they belong, while Seohyun feels awkward and unnatural with her clunky winter boots and her puffy green jacket. She doesn’t feel comfortable enough to barge into a little group or strike up a conversation with the tougher-looking individuals with a competitive streak in their eye.
A black-haired girl with a sunny eye-smile and slight accent to her wilted Korean finally asks her which part of Korea she comes from. Seohyun is caught off-guard and replies that she’s lives in Seoul with a voice filled with (seemingly obvious) false bravado.
Seohyun begins to relax a little and listen to what others have to say and soon finds out that most of them have parents with conflicting emotions on their decision, that they’ve grown up in places like Boston and California and China, and some of them have dance lessons and even private instructors.
When the co-ordinator sticks her head around the door to call out Seohyun’s audition number, Seohyun is calling her parents from the pay-phone in front of the SM building and trying hard not to cry.
Years later, Seohyun switches on the television and sees a girl group with eight members called Girl’s Generation.
Seohyun could have sat with her legs crossed, watching their performances, and wonder if they could’ve been complete with nine members instead. If their formation could’ve looked complete in performances with an odd number of members instead of eight. Seohyun could have looked down at herself and thought, I could have made it. I really could have. Seohyun could have rewound back six years and three months in her memories and hate the decision she made, hate the fact that she had been so scared and young.
But instead of that, she doesn’t linger. Seohyun thinks about how they could just as easily lose public interest during the next few years, she thinks about the instability of the industry, she thinks about the superficiality and schedules bursting at the seams.
Seohyun wants to be able to say that Yonghwa is cute but Jinwoon is better without a hundred headlines twisting her words back at her face the next morning.
Seohyun wants to fuss over wearing seatbelts correctly and read self-help books without people craning over her shoulder.
Seohyun doesn’t want to try to cling to an ever-changing rock face, she doesn’t want to appear to the world with a synthetic personality. She doesn’t want to set her future on a slab that could topple with a blow as easy as online comments unearthed from four years ago.
Seohyun won’t regret it - she doesn’t let herself. Maybe in another life, Seohyun’s the maknae of a nine-member girl group with friendships so tightly weaved that she wouldn’t be able to imagine what it’s like without them.
Not this one.
a/n: seobb ♥ lol, maybe one day it will finally hit me that Tiffany and Jessica can speak and read English fluently and I'll have to stop this. and I'm not clear on Seo's audition age, actually, I just worked backwards from snsd's debut, seo's birth year and how long she's trained. so yeah. information not accurate ;~;
snsd: seohyun-focus
g
1020 words
we might have been
Late at night, when her parents think she’s already gone to bed, Seohyun sometimes watches taped varieties on her crummy video player and imagines herself amongst the stars. Imagines herself with four, maybe five girls around her age holding hands on a stage. Imagines fans chanting her name, holding up glittery banners and posters and people on the streets recognizing her as that pretty girl group member from television. Seohyun feels as if she’s chasing fireworks, chasing the tails of brightly glowing fireflies, as if she’s reaching for something that will unlock the future for her to rummage through.
She’ll wake up the next morning with eyes crusty and red from staying up too late and her parents will eventually figure out what she’s been doing and banish her from television for the next few days to teach her a lesson. Seohyun’s too young to turn to teenage rebellion and she hears about them anyway, from billboards and advertisements full of idols endorsing cosmetics and snacks.
There are only a few girls in her class that want to become singers or models or actors and Seohyun’s never been a people-person anyway, so she doesn’t talk about what she wants to be. She’s a little embarrassed, as well, since the entertainment world seems so far away, so unattainable compared to her day-to-day predicaments, like another kid cutting in front of her in a line or not returning borrowed pencils and erasers. Like idols with glamorous lifestyles and beautiful appearances live on the upper floor while Seohyun watches from the ground.
Seohyun’s only nine years old and she allows herself to dream and cradle it, nurture it, before laying it to rest at the bottom drawer of her heart, to collect dust and fray and, perhaps, to rekindle.
Two years later Seohyun’s as close to a quarrel as she’s ever been with her parents. Her mother’s using guilt-trips and pressure and besides, the life-span of an idol group is only around seven years before they fizz out of the public’s memory, or before they deteriorate to nothing amongst themselves. Her father is decidedly neutral, gently supportive, and he tells Seohyun how he himself wanted to be a scientist or an architect or - and then Seohyun’s mother will tell him to stop encouraging her, because there won’t be anything at the end of this path.
Seohyun barely eats any dinner, just mixes her rice with pieces of kimchi and cries herself to sleep.
She finds herself sitting in the backseat while her father drives her to the SM auditions three days later, heart beating one hundred and fifty times a minute, until she can’t feel it anymore and she has to pinch herself to remind herself that she’s here. Seohyun wonders if her mother knows.
Seohyun’s father accompanies her to the waiting room where he’s asked to either leave or wait outside and he gives her a hug that brings tears to her eyes. When Seohyun says, “I don’t know what to do,” he pats her on the head and tells her to never agree to something she doesn’t want.
When Seohyun looks around the room, everyone seems to have their little clique or someone to talk to, something to busy themselves with to look preoccupied. Most of them just look as if they belong, while Seohyun feels awkward and unnatural with her clunky winter boots and her puffy green jacket. She doesn’t feel comfortable enough to barge into a little group or strike up a conversation with the tougher-looking individuals with a competitive streak in their eye.
A black-haired girl with a sunny eye-smile and slight accent to her wilted Korean finally asks her which part of Korea she comes from. Seohyun is caught off-guard and replies that she’s lives in Seoul with a voice filled with (seemingly obvious) false bravado.
Seohyun begins to relax a little and listen to what others have to say and soon finds out that most of them have parents with conflicting emotions on their decision, that they’ve grown up in places like Boston and California and China, and some of them have dance lessons and even private instructors.
When the co-ordinator sticks her head around the door to call out Seohyun’s audition number, Seohyun is calling her parents from the pay-phone in front of the SM building and trying hard not to cry.
Years later, Seohyun switches on the television and sees a girl group with eight members called Girl’s Generation.
Seohyun could have sat with her legs crossed, watching their performances, and wonder if they could’ve been complete with nine members instead. If their formation could’ve looked complete in performances with an odd number of members instead of eight. Seohyun could have looked down at herself and thought, I could have made it. I really could have. Seohyun could have rewound back six years and three months in her memories and hate the decision she made, hate the fact that she had been so scared and young.
But instead of that, she doesn’t linger. Seohyun thinks about how they could just as easily lose public interest during the next few years, she thinks about the instability of the industry, she thinks about the superficiality and schedules bursting at the seams.
Seohyun wants to be able to say that Yonghwa is cute but Jinwoon is better without a hundred headlines twisting her words back at her face the next morning.
Seohyun wants to fuss over wearing seatbelts correctly and read self-help books without people craning over her shoulder.
Seohyun doesn’t want to try to cling to an ever-changing rock face, she doesn’t want to appear to the world with a synthetic personality. She doesn’t want to set her future on a slab that could topple with a blow as easy as online comments unearthed from four years ago.
Seohyun won’t regret it - she doesn’t let herself. Maybe in another life, Seohyun’s the maknae of a nine-member girl group with friendships so tightly weaved that she wouldn’t be able to imagine what it’s like without them.
Not this one.
a/n: seobb ♥ lol, maybe one day it will finally hit me that Tiffany and Jessica can speak and read English fluently and I'll have to stop this. and I'm not clear on Seo's audition age, actually, I just worked backwards from snsd's debut, seo's birth year and how long she's trained. so yeah. information not accurate ;~;