(no subject)
I'm coming out of my life. Of the old one.
A lot of the things which had been of value to me in my old life cease to be of the same worth. For example, when I was younger I had a faible for the gothic culture. Now even this starts to feel teenager-ish. Something's missing. I think what is missing is the self I had back then. I had few reservations. It was all new. Girls were mysterious, and I couldn't look through the masquerade of the gothic girls, and so because of their skill with clothing and putting up strange attitudes they felt even more mysterious. It sufficed. I was enticed. I usually couldn't pass by a gothic girl without noticing the need in me again.
But the need never found release, didn't even realize itself through rationality. The nameless desire I felt when I saw these gothic girls in their dresses or suits ... it remained a nameless desire. I still see the beauty .. but the people who I found beautiful became other people. Old actors, for example, like Ilse Werner:
Ilse Werner died some days ago. Old and poor.
I'm dabbling with being 'reasonable'. I eat healthily. I really try to get up early in the morning so that I can train this for getting a job. I watch my money. I'm nice to my parents. I try to be tough to men and soft to women. Though I can only appear 'tough' when I keep my silence. I'm just not a good entertainer anyway.
A woman in the hospital adviced me to join a men's group. Just for having more acquaintances with males, so that something in me would get fixed. I guess it's an individual thing. Other children spent sunday mornings in their mother's bed. I was in my dad's. Other children sing with their moms. I listened to my dad's stories. Nothing big. But I should have accepted my dad's teachings in other issues like working too. Would have helped. But I always took advantage of him, of his soft heart, and refused to work with him. Just to read another silly Jules Verne book.
This weird panic I feel sometimes. That I screwed up myself. I never cared much for this before. Anything got solved by retreating and letting anything go. By pretending that I'm a hermit.
I found out that all the things I feared are actually quite easy. To be liked by a girl one only has to be clean, and has to wear some proper clothing. Shaving regularly. More listening than talking. No wisdom-babbling and advice-giving, except on practical things or on financial matters or on job issues. Not to smile too much. Taking opportunities instead of asking for one. At some point most 'free' girls give in. Develop desire. Doesn't have to do with muscles at all, though most girls want the man to be in shape, ie taking care not to develop a fat ass. Using aftershave and a perfume. Otherwise staying laid back and minding one's business. Being genuinely confident.
It's so easy, at least as long as one doesn't require one's girls to have bodies like a model.
And since I came to Christ I was gifted with detachment from fashion, from being so focussed on the pretty girls. 5 years ago, when I was thinking that God spoke through me from the world, from ads and TV and so on, it was exactly the opposite. I read the papers, saw the faces. And thought their smiles were meant for me. Almost no one really smiles for someone else. It's noticeable when someone smiles for you.
So many gestures and mimics become habits so easily. Just like the use of language. "Oh God!", or "Goodness!", or "How do you do?", or "I feel ok, thanks.". I experimented a bit with the last, now and then said "I don't feel good", or "I am melancholic today". I either was treated like an emergency case of severe suffering, or people thought I was weird.
In our current world, the distinctions blur. You have fundamentalist christians, those who want for example movies to teach their children values. You have intellectuals who want art in movies, a message. Why does no one want to see a reflection of reality? I guess that is reserved for joke videos like in the "Please smile" show. I really can't stand the fun society that has developed in Germany in the 90's. Too much laughter, too much techno, too much comedy, too much soap opera, too much love parade, too much ecstacy, too much .. too much .. too much hostility when someone even just says "too much for me". Yes, some old people suck in their stiff ways. But is the youth any better? What shall I think of an average guy or girl with 10 classes of school that doesn't know the current ruling party in the german federal parliament? What to think of the same guy or girl not knowing where Venice is, or that Paris is the capital of France? Should I be impressed with their mobile ringtone collection instead?
Now I feel weird. That's because I belong nowhere. I found some christian friends, especially Benjamin. But I can't say christians of any kind are my dream family. That doesn't matter too much. I don't need a dream family.
If only I could handle myself. Make myself into the Daniel I want to be. And then stop trying-to-be and just be. Will I always have to work on myself? Yes, God did cause something in me. But I know it so well how it is to feel unfit again. Is that the devil? To stop believing joyfully and thoroughly?
That's where a desire comes from. To say goodbye to Dresden and to move to Berlin or something. Not a foreign country, but Berlin, or Hamburg, or Düsseldorf. Maybe Stuttgart. Or perhaps Vienna, which is Austria, but not exactly a foreign country. Just to make a few calls, arrange for a QAD job in Berlin, find a small flat and then kiss goodbye to these years of mad lazyness. I'd miss Dresden. But I'd love to make a move. I think I'll have to make it with moving out of this flat. I want a real flat. One with posters at the wall, with an actual bedroom and not with this all-in-one I live in now. But I guess that's impossible as long as I depend on social security. Another flat I'll get, and I'm gonna look for it, but not a bigger flat. It will be an all-in-one again, most probably, as I'll definetly avoid a community. But I could be lucky and get a flat somewhere higher up. I get depressed almost each time I look out of my windows, having to see the ground only 1.5 meters below.
Enough. Things to do: new flat, QAD job, saving money, forgetting about smokes, tending to my friendships.
A lot of the things which had been of value to me in my old life cease to be of the same worth. For example, when I was younger I had a faible for the gothic culture. Now even this starts to feel teenager-ish. Something's missing. I think what is missing is the self I had back then. I had few reservations. It was all new. Girls were mysterious, and I couldn't look through the masquerade of the gothic girls, and so because of their skill with clothing and putting up strange attitudes they felt even more mysterious. It sufficed. I was enticed. I usually couldn't pass by a gothic girl without noticing the need in me again.
But the need never found release, didn't even realize itself through rationality. The nameless desire I felt when I saw these gothic girls in their dresses or suits ... it remained a nameless desire. I still see the beauty .. but the people who I found beautiful became other people. Old actors, for example, like Ilse Werner:
Ilse Werner died some days ago. Old and poor.
I'm dabbling with being 'reasonable'. I eat healthily. I really try to get up early in the morning so that I can train this for getting a job. I watch my money. I'm nice to my parents. I try to be tough to men and soft to women. Though I can only appear 'tough' when I keep my silence. I'm just not a good entertainer anyway.
A woman in the hospital adviced me to join a men's group. Just for having more acquaintances with males, so that something in me would get fixed. I guess it's an individual thing. Other children spent sunday mornings in their mother's bed. I was in my dad's. Other children sing with their moms. I listened to my dad's stories. Nothing big. But I should have accepted my dad's teachings in other issues like working too. Would have helped. But I always took advantage of him, of his soft heart, and refused to work with him. Just to read another silly Jules Verne book.
This weird panic I feel sometimes. That I screwed up myself. I never cared much for this before. Anything got solved by retreating and letting anything go. By pretending that I'm a hermit.
I found out that all the things I feared are actually quite easy. To be liked by a girl one only has to be clean, and has to wear some proper clothing. Shaving regularly. More listening than talking. No wisdom-babbling and advice-giving, except on practical things or on financial matters or on job issues. Not to smile too much. Taking opportunities instead of asking for one. At some point most 'free' girls give in. Develop desire. Doesn't have to do with muscles at all, though most girls want the man to be in shape, ie taking care not to develop a fat ass. Using aftershave and a perfume. Otherwise staying laid back and minding one's business. Being genuinely confident.
It's so easy, at least as long as one doesn't require one's girls to have bodies like a model.
And since I came to Christ I was gifted with detachment from fashion, from being so focussed on the pretty girls. 5 years ago, when I was thinking that God spoke through me from the world, from ads and TV and so on, it was exactly the opposite. I read the papers, saw the faces. And thought their smiles were meant for me. Almost no one really smiles for someone else. It's noticeable when someone smiles for you.
So many gestures and mimics become habits so easily. Just like the use of language. "Oh God!", or "Goodness!", or "How do you do?", or "I feel ok, thanks.". I experimented a bit with the last, now and then said "I don't feel good", or "I am melancholic today". I either was treated like an emergency case of severe suffering, or people thought I was weird.
In our current world, the distinctions blur. You have fundamentalist christians, those who want for example movies to teach their children values. You have intellectuals who want art in movies, a message. Why does no one want to see a reflection of reality? I guess that is reserved for joke videos like in the "Please smile" show. I really can't stand the fun society that has developed in Germany in the 90's. Too much laughter, too much techno, too much comedy, too much soap opera, too much love parade, too much ecstacy, too much .. too much .. too much hostility when someone even just says "too much for me". Yes, some old people suck in their stiff ways. But is the youth any better? What shall I think of an average guy or girl with 10 classes of school that doesn't know the current ruling party in the german federal parliament? What to think of the same guy or girl not knowing where Venice is, or that Paris is the capital of France? Should I be impressed with their mobile ringtone collection instead?
Now I feel weird. That's because I belong nowhere. I found some christian friends, especially Benjamin. But I can't say christians of any kind are my dream family. That doesn't matter too much. I don't need a dream family.
If only I could handle myself. Make myself into the Daniel I want to be. And then stop trying-to-be and just be. Will I always have to work on myself? Yes, God did cause something in me. But I know it so well how it is to feel unfit again. Is that the devil? To stop believing joyfully and thoroughly?
That's where a desire comes from. To say goodbye to Dresden and to move to Berlin or something. Not a foreign country, but Berlin, or Hamburg, or Düsseldorf. Maybe Stuttgart. Or perhaps Vienna, which is Austria, but not exactly a foreign country. Just to make a few calls, arrange for a QAD job in Berlin, find a small flat and then kiss goodbye to these years of mad lazyness. I'd miss Dresden. But I'd love to make a move. I think I'll have to make it with moving out of this flat. I want a real flat. One with posters at the wall, with an actual bedroom and not with this all-in-one I live in now. But I guess that's impossible as long as I depend on social security. Another flat I'll get, and I'm gonna look for it, but not a bigger flat. It will be an all-in-one again, most probably, as I'll definetly avoid a community. But I could be lucky and get a flat somewhere higher up. I get depressed almost each time I look out of my windows, having to see the ground only 1.5 meters below.
Enough. Things to do: new flat, QAD job, saving money, forgetting about smokes, tending to my friendships.