(no subject)
This gonna be a longer entry but I'd really like some help. I just don't know how to handle this right.
Since around 6 years I have schizophrenia. Maybe longer, but previously to 2000 I didn't hear voices and had no hallucinations. Since 2000, with periods of calmth inbetween, I have trouble with my mind.
One problem is that I started to seek God when I got the illness. The illness can be very severe at times so that I hear voices or have other kinds of hallucinations. For a time I thought I am a prophet or that I could talk to dead people or to ghosts. Some of what I experienced was really strange, some very creepy. For example, when I go to cafes or pubs that have radio playing I may find myself hearing music other than what is played. One time I heard a song in which the singer sang "give your needs, give me your urges", and it seemed like the devil playing with me.
When I pray, I often have trouble in that I get immediate responses in my mind. But the voice that speaks is often very weird. I don't think God is talking to me. But in the same time, I feel that I should hear God's voice responding, because the christian that converted me told me it belongs to being christian, that Christ manifests Himself to me and that I hear His voice. Unfortunately, I can't talk with that christian anymore, we met over the net and the site where we spoke and discussed with each other has shut down its message board, and I don't have my friend's email.
I have a hard time trusting other people. Sometimes I don't even know what trust really is. I'm often very suspicious about other people's honesty.
Last summer, my mother contacted a woman she had seen on Bible TV. She does a deliverance ministry, and me and her began to talk on the phone. She prayed with me and taught me about Christ and prayed in tongues and said now I am born-again and have the Holy Spirit and the gift of tongues. When she prayed with me it's like my eyes were opened. I saw a demon moving away from my face. It looked like a slimy blob with very small eyes. But there was like a black string between him and me which was not severed, a black and slimy string.
I was not really freed from demons that day, but the Lady said I should treat it like such. But I always got into troubles again, either with demons or with my mind. I don't quite know, what is a mental delusion, and what is really bad spirits attacking me. And sometimes things just go awry. For example, one day I phoned with the lady and she said, yes, Daniel, the Lord is standing before you now. And I thought, wow, let me look, and then I saw like a man of shadow and light before me, and I thought well, that could be Jesus. But I also saw another man before him, like a small man, and he had a face whose contours were black, like a drawing, as if he would make a pose before me. Another instance of this was when I thought I am talking with the Holy Spirit who seemed like an old man in me who would cry and plead but I don't know what he really wants.
Because of the schizo, my self-perception can be very weird at times. EG, sometimes it would seem that my me, my perception of where I am in my body, is above my head, and not in my head. You know, humans think they are behind their eyes, normally, not in their toe or above their head. This is very skewed in me.
In October, I had another relapse. I was working in the nursery home, and when I was done I went to redress myself in the locker room and prayed to God please keep me from sinning. Sometimes I am so very afraid of sin, and in the same time it seems like a compulsive thing to sin. I've stayed clear of most physical sins in my life but sometimes I can't keep myself from having negative thoughts about God, and I was very afraid to blaspheme the spirit in thoughts.
In October, after work, I sat outside on a park bench and contemplated God and was generally quite at peace. Then an old man sat himself next to me, or he already sat there when I came, I don't remember exactly. We talked about many things and we came to talk about jews and the Holocaust. We talked about iranian president Ahmadinejad who one time said the jews should get land in Europe and not in Israel. I said, ok, when the jews want, they should get land here in Germany. It should be an honor for us germany to welcome them. Then I heard a voice from above that said "You shall stay there", and I was baffled. It also said "you (christian and jews) are one". I talked with that voice for two hours. It was very majestic but also loving. He told me to write an email to Ahmadinejad in which I should propose a solution, that the jews of Iran should get an own territory in Iran, and that when the iranians refuse it, God would smite them from Heaven. The voice also told me to stay with God's name always and not to move to the right or to the left. But after a while it say, you don't have to do this, I will save you. And we talked and it spoke about antisemitism, that the evil spirit that was plaguing me so often was a spirit of antisemitism that I must have caught in my youth when I was sometimes making jokes about jews (even though I was a lefty and of course didn't hate jews .. everyone made jokes of them in my school). The voice told me that I have the blessing of Judah, in that I can talk with God and plead to him. The at some point this morning the voice left. I went home and did some of my stuff then sat down to pray, and a small voice came that said, don't think that was God, and seemed very down and fearful. Then another voice I heard that said "come back to me", and I thought I am Jesus and God wants me to return to Heaven. Then followed a very comical scene in which I tried to take my life with a scissor. But as soon as I had scratched my skin it said, ok, you saved the world again, you have shed your blood.
I know how weird all of this must sound, but those were my schizophrenic delusions this year. It was really all very weird, and I don't know if I talked to devils or to the real God. I know many schizophrenics have delusions of grandeur, many believe they are a famous person or that they are Jesus or a prophet or a king or president or something.
When I get sober from the delusions I usually feel very pathetic but when those delusions hit me I cannot prevent them. They're very powerful. Was it the antichrist who talked to me and told these things about the jews? But if not, who was it then, just a mental delusion? I had also heard another booming voice once that said that I have Christ's hands. Really strong booming voice.
Often those times are such that I have forgotten to take my medicine, but even with medicine I still hear voices when I concentrate on them or when I am in fear of some kind, which sadly is often the case. Especially at night I often get into creepy fears. That I am damned or so on, or that I am an evil person. The voices really seem to want to sneak into me and give me bad thoughts about God, which I do not want.
I also have some trouble obeying the rules. For example, my dad is an atheist, and according to the bible he will get into hell for that, if he doesn't start believing. Yet he simply does not want and I can do nothing about it. My mother is christian and she says we just gotta live with it and that we all have a chance of redemption in the afterlife. But I don't think that's in the bible.
I'm feeling so warped. Sometimes God seems like Big Brother to me, from Orwell's 1984, until I remember that he wants love. But then some people say he wants obedience. I have a hard time being happy when I think of God wanting to destroy the world some day. I also don't know what to think of all the rules. I don't desire sleeping with all women, but before all this happened I liked to flirt a bit and watch women on the streets. But every woman I would like to become romantic with doesn't seem to be able to accept Christ like me. And I don't want to get married to someone who can't stand religion. Yet I am afraid to stay alone for the rest of my life. It's already lonely enough as it is.
During my last relapse, I lost my job. It was only a part-time job, but anyway, it sucks that I don't have it anymore. My plan now is to move back to my parents and do volunteer work in another hospital. Volunteer because then I don't need to be so fast and so exact and can spend more time with the actual people. Real work is so demanding ... anything must go superquick and superexact and I don't manage that because I'm too lightheaded.
Please pray for me, and if you have suggestions, please tell me. I would really like to get out of this, but I don't know the way. Of my three best friends, only my ex girlfriend is a christian, but she lives far away and she's not that big in faith.
Since around 6 years I have schizophrenia. Maybe longer, but previously to 2000 I didn't hear voices and had no hallucinations. Since 2000, with periods of calmth inbetween, I have trouble with my mind.
One problem is that I started to seek God when I got the illness. The illness can be very severe at times so that I hear voices or have other kinds of hallucinations. For a time I thought I am a prophet or that I could talk to dead people or to ghosts. Some of what I experienced was really strange, some very creepy. For example, when I go to cafes or pubs that have radio playing I may find myself hearing music other than what is played. One time I heard a song in which the singer sang "give your needs, give me your urges", and it seemed like the devil playing with me.
When I pray, I often have trouble in that I get immediate responses in my mind. But the voice that speaks is often very weird. I don't think God is talking to me. But in the same time, I feel that I should hear God's voice responding, because the christian that converted me told me it belongs to being christian, that Christ manifests Himself to me and that I hear His voice. Unfortunately, I can't talk with that christian anymore, we met over the net and the site where we spoke and discussed with each other has shut down its message board, and I don't have my friend's email.
I have a hard time trusting other people. Sometimes I don't even know what trust really is. I'm often very suspicious about other people's honesty.
Last summer, my mother contacted a woman she had seen on Bible TV. She does a deliverance ministry, and me and her began to talk on the phone. She prayed with me and taught me about Christ and prayed in tongues and said now I am born-again and have the Holy Spirit and the gift of tongues. When she prayed with me it's like my eyes were opened. I saw a demon moving away from my face. It looked like a slimy blob with very small eyes. But there was like a black string between him and me which was not severed, a black and slimy string.
I was not really freed from demons that day, but the Lady said I should treat it like such. But I always got into troubles again, either with demons or with my mind. I don't quite know, what is a mental delusion, and what is really bad spirits attacking me. And sometimes things just go awry. For example, one day I phoned with the lady and she said, yes, Daniel, the Lord is standing before you now. And I thought, wow, let me look, and then I saw like a man of shadow and light before me, and I thought well, that could be Jesus. But I also saw another man before him, like a small man, and he had a face whose contours were black, like a drawing, as if he would make a pose before me. Another instance of this was when I thought I am talking with the Holy Spirit who seemed like an old man in me who would cry and plead but I don't know what he really wants.
Because of the schizo, my self-perception can be very weird at times. EG, sometimes it would seem that my me, my perception of where I am in my body, is above my head, and not in my head. You know, humans think they are behind their eyes, normally, not in their toe or above their head. This is very skewed in me.
In October, I had another relapse. I was working in the nursery home, and when I was done I went to redress myself in the locker room and prayed to God please keep me from sinning. Sometimes I am so very afraid of sin, and in the same time it seems like a compulsive thing to sin. I've stayed clear of most physical sins in my life but sometimes I can't keep myself from having negative thoughts about God, and I was very afraid to blaspheme the spirit in thoughts.
In October, after work, I sat outside on a park bench and contemplated God and was generally quite at peace. Then an old man sat himself next to me, or he already sat there when I came, I don't remember exactly. We talked about many things and we came to talk about jews and the Holocaust. We talked about iranian president Ahmadinejad who one time said the jews should get land in Europe and not in Israel. I said, ok, when the jews want, they should get land here in Germany. It should be an honor for us germany to welcome them. Then I heard a voice from above that said "You shall stay there", and I was baffled. It also said "you (christian and jews) are one". I talked with that voice for two hours. It was very majestic but also loving. He told me to write an email to Ahmadinejad in which I should propose a solution, that the jews of Iran should get an own territory in Iran, and that when the iranians refuse it, God would smite them from Heaven. The voice also told me to stay with God's name always and not to move to the right or to the left. But after a while it say, you don't have to do this, I will save you. And we talked and it spoke about antisemitism, that the evil spirit that was plaguing me so often was a spirit of antisemitism that I must have caught in my youth when I was sometimes making jokes about jews (even though I was a lefty and of course didn't hate jews .. everyone made jokes of them in my school). The voice told me that I have the blessing of Judah, in that I can talk with God and plead to him. The at some point this morning the voice left. I went home and did some of my stuff then sat down to pray, and a small voice came that said, don't think that was God, and seemed very down and fearful. Then another voice I heard that said "come back to me", and I thought I am Jesus and God wants me to return to Heaven. Then followed a very comical scene in which I tried to take my life with a scissor. But as soon as I had scratched my skin it said, ok, you saved the world again, you have shed your blood.
I know how weird all of this must sound, but those were my schizophrenic delusions this year. It was really all very weird, and I don't know if I talked to devils or to the real God. I know many schizophrenics have delusions of grandeur, many believe they are a famous person or that they are Jesus or a prophet or a king or president or something.
When I get sober from the delusions I usually feel very pathetic but when those delusions hit me I cannot prevent them. They're very powerful. Was it the antichrist who talked to me and told these things about the jews? But if not, who was it then, just a mental delusion? I had also heard another booming voice once that said that I have Christ's hands. Really strong booming voice.
Often those times are such that I have forgotten to take my medicine, but even with medicine I still hear voices when I concentrate on them or when I am in fear of some kind, which sadly is often the case. Especially at night I often get into creepy fears. That I am damned or so on, or that I am an evil person. The voices really seem to want to sneak into me and give me bad thoughts about God, which I do not want.
I also have some trouble obeying the rules. For example, my dad is an atheist, and according to the bible he will get into hell for that, if he doesn't start believing. Yet he simply does not want and I can do nothing about it. My mother is christian and she says we just gotta live with it and that we all have a chance of redemption in the afterlife. But I don't think that's in the bible.
I'm feeling so warped. Sometimes God seems like Big Brother to me, from Orwell's 1984, until I remember that he wants love. But then some people say he wants obedience. I have a hard time being happy when I think of God wanting to destroy the world some day. I also don't know what to think of all the rules. I don't desire sleeping with all women, but before all this happened I liked to flirt a bit and watch women on the streets. But every woman I would like to become romantic with doesn't seem to be able to accept Christ like me. And I don't want to get married to someone who can't stand religion. Yet I am afraid to stay alone for the rest of my life. It's already lonely enough as it is.
During my last relapse, I lost my job. It was only a part-time job, but anyway, it sucks that I don't have it anymore. My plan now is to move back to my parents and do volunteer work in another hospital. Volunteer because then I don't need to be so fast and so exact and can spend more time with the actual people. Real work is so demanding ... anything must go superquick and superexact and I don't manage that because I'm too lightheaded.
Please pray for me, and if you have suggestions, please tell me. I would really like to get out of this, but I don't know the way. Of my three best friends, only my ex girlfriend is a christian, but she lives far away and she's not that big in faith.