Sam's Journal
Title: Sam's Journal
Author: Tahirire
Word count: 1,643
Rating: R
Characters/Pairings: Sam
Genre: Angst
Spoilers: Set in *those* four months. Spoilers up to 4.4.
A/N PLEASE READ: This fic is a one-shot, but it comes with presents! Some of the journal entry dates are LINKS. If you see a link, *click* it, and it will send you to a 100 word drabble that tells more about that particular entry. This is my first time doing something with this format, so please let me know what you think!
Drabbles can be read alone without the journal as well, and can be found on my master list, here.
Sam’s Journal
The hunter picks up the tattered leatherbound book, holds it in his hands like something sacred. He’s afraid to open it, afraid of what he’ll find inside. Tales of a time best forgotten, he thinks.
The pages are bloodstained and worn, blurry in places where tears marred the dark ink. Some pages may not even be written in ink, but he can’t tell for sure.
The entire book reeks of despair and regret. Five months, that’s all the book entails, but it’s a lifetime. A lifetime of sorrow and want and need. In between the spells, the Latin, the dark magic and the diagrams, tucked between the lines, in ordered, precise writing, is a story that needs to be told.
He takes a deep, steadying breath, and he begins to read.
~*~
May 3, 2008
Today I put Dean’s body in the ground. I fought with Bobby. Dean would yell at me, but I don’t care. I didn’t bother nailing the coffin shut.
It’s not going to stay closed.
May 5, 2008
I stored all of Dean’s clothes and stuff at Bobby’s, but I kept the trunk the same. I carry the amulet with me. He’ll want it when he gets back, and I need to make sure nothing happens to it while he’s gone. I can’t wear it, though. It isn’t right.
May 6, 2008
I stayed as long as I could. He doesn’t understand, and he would never agree to help me with what I’m about to do. I wish I was sorry to leave, but I’m not. He would try to stop me, and I can’t deal with that right now. He’ll come looking, but he won’t find me.
It means a lot that he’ll try.
May 9, 2008
Lilith’s off the grid. I’d run too, if I was her.
May 15, 2008
I stood at the crossroads for hours. No one showed. I knew they wouldn’t, but. Still, I had to try. Demonic activity is scarce wherever I go. It’s like they’re avoiding me.
I know why, and I hate myself for it. If I’d listened to her, he’d still be alive.
May 19, 2008
Had to use the knife today. I guess I should be glad I have it. I’d rather kill the bastards then send them somewhere they can torture Dean.
Shame about the girl, though.
May 23, 2008
I haven’t touched the radio since. It was never my place, and it still isn’t. I can’t stand hearing Dean’s music. It’s ironic how I never noticed until last year that most of the songs are about Hell.
At night I take pills to sleep. They make the dreams blurry, so I can’t watch him scream.
But I still hear him.
June 2, 2008
It’s been a month. Time in Hell moves differently than it does here, I think. But how it moves is another story. If I think about what’s happening there I’ll go insane. I have to stay focused, concentrate.
But how am I supposed to hunt demons when one day, the black eyes I see in front of me might belong to my brother?
He gave everything for me and I still can’t give him peace. On Earth, I’m the only one that knows his fears.
Not in Hell.
June 10, 2008
I pray every day. I don’t even know if I believe anymore, but I still pray, because what if? Dean deserves to live. I know I believe that much. If there is a God, He has to know that. He just has to.
I don’t know if God can listen to demons when they pray.
I pray about that, too … sometimes.
June 17, 2008
I saw Dean last week. I was tracking some demons and ran across a spirit that mimics its victim’s greatest loss. It haunts them until they go crazy. I had everything I needed to put it to rest.
I didn’t.
I guess it moved on to someone else after a while. It gave up on me because I’m already crazy. I got drunk. The hangover sucks, but at least it’s feeling something.
June 23, 2008
Tracked down the Necromancer. He laughed in my face. I buried the knife in his chest. It would have worked, but it wouldn’t have been Dean, not really. I want him safe, and whole. I don’t need a shadow. I have hundreds of shadows.
July 2, 2008
It’s been two months. I was at Benton’s grave today. I have his book. He told me the secret. I’ve been sitting here for hours, staring at it.
Time in Hell is different than time here. If I use it, then I’ll have more time, and someday …
But what if I can’t? Then I can never die, and I can’t stand living like this.
I put Benton back where I found him.
July 6, 2008
I took the dream root. It took me a long time to decide to try it. I didn’t want to go crazy, because then who would keep going in my place? But I had to. I had to see him. Even if I could talk to him for just a second -
But nothing happened.
July 12, 2008
I can’t find the Colt. It’s probably wherever Lilith is, and she’s nowhere. Just like I’m nowhere. I still get messages from Bobby. I listen to them, always. But I can’t call him back. I just need more time.
July 21, 2008
I blew the Gate today. C-4, top grade, didn’t leave a scratch. After, I wondered how I would have closed it back. I realized I hadn’t planned to. It was like waking up for the first time in months.
What was I thinking?
This has to end before the world does.
July 29, 2008
The Trickster was right.
August 2, 2008
It’s been three months. I had to use the knife again today. The demon died right away - the guy didn’t. His eyes were green, like Dean’s.
Fuck this. This is never happening to anyone ever again. Not if I can stop it.
Dean, I’m sorry. I have no choice.
August 8, 2008
Ruby’s in Hell. I know because she isn’t here. I wonder what’s happening to her, if she’s seen him, if she knows he’s even there. I need her out, now.
I can get her out, too. I found a way. All it takes is a little blood - and who cares. It’s demon blood anyway.
I can get her out.
I screamed until I couldn’t stop laughing.
August 20, 2008
I summoned Ruby. She’s been in Hell, and she remembers everything. She doesn’t talk about it, but I can see it in her eyes, in the way her hands shake. She’s not pushy or a bitch anymore. She looks at me with almost like - gratitude. It makes me sick. I saved a fucking demon and I couldn’t save my brother.
August 25, 2008
It worked. I sent a demon back to Hell. Oh God, I sent the bastard straight to Dean. No matter what I do, it only hurts him worse.
I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
August 27, 2008
The headaches are worse than they ever were before. I passed out in the street last night. Ruby must have been watching out for me, because I woke up in the motel. I should care that I let my guard down around her. I don’t trust her. I can’t care for her.
But I’m glad she’s here. She’s all I have.
August 30, 2008
Saved someone today. I think I might have smiled. I still hate where they go, but - Dean would want this. He’d want me to save people. It felt better than I remembered. Maybe I have a chance to beat this thing after all.
September 5, 2008
I haven’t prayed lately. But I prayed today. I don’t know if you’d call it praying so much as begging for forgiveness. Please, please. God. Please. Bring him home.
If not - give me peace. Help me fight this war on my own.
September 18, 2008
Dean’s back. He’s alive, and I can’t …
September 20, 2008
An ANGEL. Rescued Dean. It’s like - I mean, I thought.
I guess there really is hope after all? I can’t stop staring at him. He’s being an ass, and he’s acting like nothing ever happened, but he’s Dean. He’s safe, and whole, and sane - I know I didn’t deserve it. But he did.
An ANGEL. Dean so owes me money.
October 12, 2008
So, God doesn’t want me. Castiel is threatened by me. They want me to stop. Where were they when I needed them? Where were they when I asked for another way out of this? Where were they when that bastard murdered my entire family and left me up here to rot?
I’m sorry, I’m sorry - I don’t know what else I - I didn’t think -
I didn’t have a choice then. But I have a choice now.
October 13, 2008
Dean knows. He knows and he’s still with me. I’m glad for that. But.
He looks at me and says, “Not alone.”
He has no idea.
~*~
The hunter sets down the book, tears streaming down his face. He doesn’t care who sees them, or what anyone may think.
He feels the bed dip as a familiar weight settles next to his own. He can’t look up, he can’t stop feeling the tense set of the room around him.
A gentle rush of air rustles near his ear, and he realizes it’s a sigh. Softly, no anger in his voice, Sam whispers. “Dean. It’s ok, Dean. It’s ok now.”
Dean turns then, catches his brother’s gaze. His hazel eyes are open, unguarded, Sam.
Sam was right. He had no idea.
But he knows now.