C'est à Toi
Title: C'est à Toi
Pairing: Broken!Shizaya, Shikizaya
Rating: PG-15, angst
Summary: Izaya has limits, even if it doesn't seem that way. What happens when those are broken?
A/N: This is a loose sequel to "Blood Red Lines" but it can be read as a standalone fic. At the very least, they're in the same 'verse. Lyrics are from 'Comme des Enfants' by Coeur de Pirate and were translated by me. The title means 'It's Yours' or 'Your turn'. Double meaning intentional : P
Alors tu vois, comme tout se mêle
Et du cœur à tes lèvres, je deviens un casse-tête
Ton rire me crie de te lâcher
Avant de perdre prise et d'abandonner
(So you see how everything mixes together,
And from your heart to your lips, I become a puzzle
Your laughter screams at me to let you go
Before losing hold and giving up)
Shizuo first sees them together at the bar where he works. It’s his shift and he knows Izaya knows that too. He figures it’s all just another one of Izaya’s endless attempts to rile him up. There have been many of those, ranging from the simple to the ridiculously intricate. Izaya seems to derive an ungodly amount of pleasure from making Shizuo jealous. Shizuo himself doesn't see much different about this attempt. There is a man next to Izaya, tall with an intimidating aura around him. He's got an arm around Izaya's waist and Shizuo has to resist the urge to break it. Shizuo thinks he's seen this man before, but he can't place him. However, none of this worries him. Izaya is his and whatever resistance this man can offer will pale in the face of what Shizuo is capable of. What he doesn't realize is that the resistance isn't going to be coming from this man.
Car je ne t'en demanderai jamais autant
Déjà que tu me traites comme un grand enfant
Nous n'avons plus rien à risquer
À part nos vies qu'on laisse de coté
(Because I will never ask so much of you
Since you already treat me like a big child
We have nothing else to risk
Besides our lives which we set have set aside)
Sliding out from behind the counter, Shizuo grabbed hold of Izaya's wrist and dragged him away, ignoring the protests of the man Izaya had come in with. He takes them out a back door into the alleyway behind the bar. Pinning Izaya to the brick wall, he allows a grin to creep over his features. "Is this your latest attempt at making me jealous? I have to say, this one didn't put up much of a fight." Izaya regards him, face uncharacteristically blank. Extracting himself from Shizuo's grip, Izaya shrugged. "The protests were just for show. I told Shiki what you'd do." Shizuo was very confused by Izaya's words. Normally by this point there wasn't much being spoken and there was usually a lot more touching involved.
Continuing to talk, Izaya leaned against the wall. "Shiki is my new lover, you see. You've probably heard of him. He's in the upper echelons of Awakusu-Kai." Shizuo starts, having realized exactly what that man is. A second later, that thought is brushed away when all of what Izaya has just said sinks in. "He is your lover?" Shizuo hisses. "Exactly what is going on here?”
"You heard me the first time." Izaya is defiant, daring Shizuo to dispute what he has just said. The other man just stares at him incredulously, not believing what he's hearing. Shizuo practically growls out his next words, eyes shooting daggers at the shorter man. "Let me get this straight. After three years of well, whatever we have, you're just going to walk out like this? You just think you can show up with another man and leave?"
Et il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
(And he still loves me and I, I love you a bit more
But he still loves me, and I, I love you a bit more)
"He doesn't even love you!" Shizuo is screaming now, furious at Izaya, at the situation, at himself. "I know people like Shiki. He only wants you because you're different. The second he tires of you, he'll just throw you out." Izaya' tired expression is tinged with sadness as he watches the tall blonde pace about.
Positioning himself in front of the other so that they are looking into each other's eyes, his next question throws Shizuo completely off. "And do you?" It's no more than a whisper, so quiet that Shizuo has to strain to hear it and even then he's not quite sure if he's heard correctly. Izaya is speaking in a tone Shizuo has never heard before. It's not the cheerful mocking tone Izaya uses during their near daily rampages through Ikebukuro, it's not the slow, seductive drawl he uses when he wants Shizuo to fuck him, it's not the broken, breathy moans he gasps out when Shizuo has him bent over a table and is fucking him into it. No, this is something new and Shizuo instinctively doesn't like it. It's too flat, too soft and entirely too broken for Shizuo to want it coming from Izaya.
Izaya's voice cuts through Shizuo's thoughts, with the same question as before. "And you, do you love me?"
C'en est assez de ces dédoublements
C'est plus dure à faire, qu'autrement
Car sans rire c'est plus facile de rêver
À ce qu'on ne pourra jamais plus toucher
(I’ve had enough of there split personalities
It’s harder to do that than anything else
Because without laughter, it’s easier to dream
About what one can no longer touch)
Shizuo freezes, unable to answer the question. It's not a no, but Shizuo doesn't know if he can say yes and really mean it. Their relationship is a strange one. It's made of stolen kisses here and there, grips slightly tighter and slightly longer than they should be, visits that are just a shade too long. After all, it simply wouldn't do if people knew the two arch-enemies of Ikebukuro are fucking.
Taking Shizuo's silence as a no, Izaya sighs. "I love you but you don't love me. I can't do it anymore. Unlike you, I'm still human. I have limits." Izaya looks as surprised as Shizuo feels at this admission of weakness. Even at the best of times, the two had never really done anything that would allow the other to gain any real power.
Et on se prend la main, comme des enfants
Le bonheur aux lèvres, un peu naïvement
Et on marche ensemble, d'un pas décidé
Alors que nos têtes nous crient de tout arrêter
(And we hold hands, like children would
With happiness showing on our lips, a little naively
And we walk in step, the rhythm firm
Even if, in our heads, there is a voice telling us to stop everything)
"No. Don't go. Don't just leave me here, like this." Shizuo hears the same broken tone Izaya had from himself and realizes 'Well, fuck. I do love him.' This revelation is interrupted by Izaya beginning to talk again.
"It'd never work, I think we both knew that from the start. We just deluded ourselves into thinking that everything would be alright." Shizuo is silent once more, letting the other man do the talking. He is reeling, still trying to wrap his mind the fact that Izaya is leaving. He's trying to gather the courage to speak, to tell Izaya that he loves him. Unfortunately, Shizuo Heiwajima, for all his physical prowess, he has never really been had the strength to deal with people.
The pale, thin man begins to walk back towards the door. His steps are slow, mirroring the turmoil he is feeling inside.
Il m'aime encore, et toi, tu m'aimes un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi, je t'aime un peu plus fort
Et malgré ça, il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi, je t'aime un peu plus fort
(He still loves me, and you, you love me a bit more
But he still loves me and I, I love you a bit more
And despite that, he still loves me, and I, I love you a bit more
But he still loves me and I, I love you a bit more)
Izaya hesitates at the door and his next words have Shizuo reaching out for him. But he is already gone. That's how it all ends for Shizuo, not with a bang, but with a whimper.
"Il faut que tu sache, je suis tout à toi. Pour toujours et un jour de plus."*
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*You should know, I am yours. For always and a day more.