Anyone's Ghost (Part 2 of 3)
Title: Anyone's Ghost (2 of 3)
Pairing: Sooseop
Rating: PG-13, angst, character death
Summary: Second part. Heavy angst in this one. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you missed the first part, it's here.
Tis a Fearful Thing
It is a fearful thing
to love what death can touch.
A fearful thing
to love, hope, dream:
to be-
to be,
And! to lose.
A thing for fools, this,
and
a holy thing,
a holy thing
to love.
For your life has lived in me,
your laugh once lifted me,
your word was gift to me.
To remember this brings painful joy.
'Tis a human thing, love,
a holy thing,
to love
what death has touched.
Anonymous
Soohyun stops by a flower shop on his way home from work to buy some tulips for Kiseop. As the store clerk wraps them up, she comments, "The lady who receives these is very lucky." Soohyun merely smiles and thanks her. He takes the same route he takes everyday, greets the ajumma from Unit 101 and walks a few feet down to Unit 103. "How was your day," he asks, arranging the flowers in a vase. "Same as usual I suppose," Kiseop replies. "The flowers are pretty. They make the room brighter," he remarks, flashing a smile at Soohyun in thanks. Soohyun grins back. "I thought they would." They lapse into a long silence, broken only by the occasional whirr from the machines that keep Kiseop alive. The nurse comes in some time later and shoos Soohyun out so she can take the usual tests. There is no change from the past five years. Kiseop is sick and there is no longer anything left to do. Things haven't changed much in the last few years. Soohyun goes to work, visits the hospital every day, and returns to an empty apartment. Things continue on when, a few weeks later, Soohyun receives a call from the hospital. Kiseop has taken a turn for the worse, they say. We don't know how time he has left, but it's not much.
Everyone who can make it on such short notice comes. Xander and Kibum, old friends they haven’t seen in a while appear first. Kibum is stoic while Xander is not his usual cheerful self. However they try to act as normal as possible, reminiscing about old times and joking about all the things they did together. When they get up to leave, Xander can only hug the two of them, unable to speak. Kibum goes to Kiseop first, hugs him tight, and whispers "Be strong" to him. To Soohyun go words of encouragement, "I know you can do this hyung." They leave without looking back, neither wanting to break down in front of the two who are already devastated. Eli, Kevin, and Dongho come next, coworkers from the bar Soohyun sings at. They offer condolences and any support Soohyun may need. Their offers are all well intentioned but all they do is remind the pair of what is yet of come. Their families arrive, shocked by the turn of events. They stay as long as they can bear the sight of Kiseop so pale and weak in the hospital bed. AJ and Hoon arrive right after, the dearest of all their friends. Hoon is so close to breaking into tears the whole time and while AJ presents a stronger front, he too is clearly affected by the news. "What happened," he demands. "I thought it wasn't supposed to happen so fast." Soohyun heaves a sigh and replies with a sad smile, "It's been five years AJ. No one ever knew how long we had in the first place. How can they, when they don't even know what's wrong?" Kiseop speaks up softly, attempting to calm AJ. "We're lucky we got this long in the first place. Remember at the beginning when I wasn't supposed to last more than a few months?" AJ buries his head in his hands. "I just- I hate this, not being able to do anything," he mutters. Hoon places a comforting hand on his arm. "None of us like this any more than you do. Just be grateful we can do this," he murmurs. This parting is difficult and every single one of them ends up in tears. After lingering hugs many whispered phrases, AJ and Hoon leave with many a backwards glance.
Finally it is just Soohyun and Kiseop together, like it always is. Except now one of them is being taken by something there is no salvation from. They talk, trying to avoid addressing what they both know is coming. Exhaustion, physical and mental, overcomes the two lovers and they fall into a deep sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Soohyun suddenly jerks awake. He sees Kiseop grimacing in pain and immediately reaches over to smooth the other's brow. "Why didn't you wake me," he demands. Kiseop shudders once before answering in a weak voice. "I- I'm scared," he admits, "and I didn't want you to see me like this. I thought it would be easier if you could just wake and I'd already-" Soohyun cuts him off before he can get any further. "No," he says in a firm tone. "I will be here. I promise." Kiseop tries to smile but is stopped by a fresh wave of pain. Soohyun looks on, unable to do anything except whisper words of comfort and hold tight to his lover's hand.
"I love you," Kiseop whispers. "I want you to know that I love you so very, very much and I'm sorry that you had to go through all this and I wish I wasn't sick and that we could just be normal and I just hate that this had to happen." He pauses to collect his breath. "I've always hated being sick." Soohyun smiles at a long forgotten memory. "Remember when you were eight and you had that really bad cold?" Kiseop's eyes light up. "Yeah. I was miserable until you came over. I wouldn't let go of your hand and you had to stay with me through the night." They both don't mention the fact that Kiseop had been back on his feet the very next day. As the sun peeks out from the east, Kiseop can feel himself growing weaker and weaker. Long years of suffering have taken their final toll. He has no energy left to speak anymore, only enough to open his eyes and grip Soohyun's hand once last time. However for them, that single glance is enough to express a lifetime of I love you's and the squeeze is enough to let Soohyun know that Kiseop is no longer scared. Even if they won't end up in the same place, they're going to face this together.
Soohyun can feel that last breath, senses the last of the air leave Kiseop's lungs. He wants so much to scream out in anguish, rend the peace with his agony. Instead, he closes Kiseop's eyes and smoothes the last vestiges of pain from his lover's now peaceful face. He rises to greet the doctor who arrives some minutes later, no doubt alerted by the flat lining of all the machines. The next few hours pass in a haze, paperwork melding with consolations until Soohyun is ready to pass out from exhaustion. He doesn't let go right until he gets back to the apartment and he sees the door to Kiseop's darkroom. He'd kept it just as it always was in hopes that it would be used once again. Knowing that it was now useless, Soohyun cried his heart out.
A/N: This fic. First, it's really hard for me to kill off my baby. Anyone got some happy music to cheer me up? You can find me sobbing in a corner. It's also getting pretty long. Not so much ficlets as a oneshot split up into three parts at this point. Third, I really like this poem.