"Letting Go" 2/3 BSB-GSF
Fandom: Popslash/RPS-BSB
Pairings: GSF (Nick w/everyone)
Rating: FRAO - Adults Only
Disclaimer: Nonsense
Warnings: Profanity, angst, flashback underage sex and masturbation. Not much on plot either. woot!
Author's note: Well since this is December, and December being BSB-GSF month, this is my paltry little contribution to that. heh. I guess this probably isn't a GSF in the truest sense, because it is not all the boys - in one room - getting it on - all at once. lol It is a GSF in the sense that Nick has/had sexual relations at one time or another with all of them. ;) (Fictionally speaking, of course. heh. ;)
Summary: Letting go is always easier in theory, but much harder in practice.
Letting Go
-*-
Brian didn't sleep very well the night before, too much was on his mind. So instead of fighting it any longer, he gave in and got up. He showered, dressed and drank one cup of coffee before Leighanne even stirred. After leaving her a note and checking on Baylee, placing a gentle kiss on his silky forehead, he left the house and headed towards Nick's. He figured maybe if Nick wasn't too hungover, the two of them could go out for breakfast and spend the day together.
He really didn't have any specific plans, per se, he just knew that he wanted to spend some quality time hanging out with Nick. Yet, as Brian drove through town, he couldn't help but remember a much different time. A time when things between them were rarely ever planned, instead much more spontaneous. A time when he and Nick were virtually inseparable. Frick and Frack. Two best friends. Two peas in the same pod. And two pranksters that encouraged one another to new heights of silliness, albeit much to the chagrin of their other band mates on many occasions.
As he maneuvered his car through the small hills near Nick's place, Brian smiled, recalling the hours he and Nick spent playing video games, shooting hoops or just running around backstage raising hell and commotion. He couldn't resist the urge to chuckle out loud, as he thought of the numerous pranks of questionable taste that they had conspired together on. Those were the times - growing up on the road and in foreign hotel rooms and on one tiny ass crowded bus - that he wouldn't change for anything. He knew that. But Brian also knew that as close as they had been at one time, things had changed a lot since he married.
He sighed as he allowed his mind to take a walk back in time. There were other things he remembered as well. Things he had tried very hard to forget. Like the hurtful looks his best friend shot him, looks that spoke of betrayal and of a young heart broken, when he had begged out of something with Nick in order to spend time with his new girl, Leighanne.
Brian had tried, numerous times, to explain to Nick how he felt, how much he wanted to marry and start a family. But while Nick had said he understood, in time Brian realized that Nick had not. Not really. Nick was too young and too hurt, and only saw it as Brian trading one blond in for another. But maybe that was his fault after all, Brian reasoned to himself. Maybe if he had not gotten so close to Nick. Maybe if he hadn't . . .
If they hadn't . . .
Brian winched and internally shook himself, wishing he could literally shake off some of the things from his past - from their past - just as easily. Things he had forced himself over time not to think about, as if they had happened to someone else and not to him at all. How else could he live with himself? How could any of them, knowing what they had all done?
Of course they had all justified it - in their own minds - at the time, and since then he supposed. After all...it was helping Nick get through the hardest of years. It was helping him deal with having little to no family around much, or the way they had all been worked into complete exhaustion like they were nothing more than dogs or trained circus animals.
It was because Nick had nightmares, hated to be alone, hated the awkwardness he felt within himself, the insecurity. His thin gangly limbs and soft belly. His uncooperative skin, his innate shyness and his seemingly inability to speak coherently at times. Not to mention, his extremely sensitive nature and hair-trigger temper. All those things - plus the newness of fame - brought about some pretty tumultuous moments for a boy who was already undergoing the normal trials of teenage adolescence and his own sexual awakenings and curiosity. And all the while, crammed on a small bus touring strange cities and foreign countries with four other boys, who many times, were dealing with their own demons and insecurities as well.
They had all wanted - initially with the best of intentions - to help Nick through it all. And in fact, due to the particular situation they were all in, they really needed to find a way to help him cope. There was far too much at stake for all of them, as they headed toward their possible shot at stardom.
It was just that none of them ever really expected that things would end up becoming what it had.
But that was a long time ago, Brian reassured himself. He didn't want to think about that now, so he pushed all those memories, along with the unwanted emotions that came with them, back out of his mind again. Just like he had before. It was never easy, quite the contrary in fact. But it was necessary. He was married now, and happy. A husband and a father. Something he had wanted since he was nothing more than a boy himself. He knew in his heart that he and Nick had come to some kind of unspoken agreement between them since then. And for the sake of everyone, as well as their own friendship, they pretty much had to.
The past had to remain in the past where it belonged. They had moved on. Each of them. Yet there were moments, Brian conceded, if only to himself... when he missed those times. When he missed that Nick. Missed them...and the way they were back then. At least some of it. He inhaled a shaky breath before slowly releasing it. Yet, it was better this way. Of course it was. He knew it.
Brian was, if nothing else, always about the 'positive'. And this tour was proving to be a new beginning in a lot of ways. They had all recognized it as a gift, a second chance. Not just professionally either. And in his mind and in his heart, Brian wanted this to be a new beginning - not only for the group - but for his and Nick's friendship as well. A new start for a newer - if somewhat older and hopefully wiser - Frick and Frack.
He smiled, suddenly feeling a little more settled inside about everything. He felt more positive and reconciled with himself and the past, and looking forward to their new beginning as he pulled up to Nick's house.
He immediately noted that two of Nick's vehicles were in the drive. Assuming that Nick must be home, Brian parked and got out, whistling as he made his way to the door. He didn't even hesitate taking out the spare key Nick had given him when he first bought the place, or in using it to open the front door. He keyed memorized numbers into the alarm panel and closed the door before he called out... "Hey doofus, you up nursing your hangover yet?"
Brian made his way through the darkened house, small that it was - it didn't take long. He shook his head at how lazy Nick could be and bounded up the stairs and headed towards the bedrooms, a smile plastered wide across his face.
"Yo, Frack! You back here?" he called out once more. As he got closer to Nick's room, he saw that the door was closed and immediately figured Nick was still out cold from the night before. Brian just shook his head again and snorted. "Nick...you are somethin' else, buddy."
He grabbed the doorknob and turned it, smiling as he opened the door and poked his head into the room.
"Nick?"
That's where he halted his journey. Suddenly his mouth went slack and his eyes darted back and forth over the sight before him, while his brain tried to process what he was actually seeing. Because...it just...couldn't...be.
He stood there in utter shock as he watched the two naked forms on Nick's bed, move sensuously against each other in a slow erotic dance of passion. Two forms - or people - he had thought were no longer involved in any other way except as friends and band mates. Not since Nick and AJ had hooked up.
Brian blinked rapidly as he tried to focus more clearly, because surely it wasn't what - or who - he thought it was. His heart was thudding in his chest, the sound pounding its way through his head until it almost drowned out the moans of pleasure coming from the bed. And as a heated flush bloomed over his face and body, he wished it had drowned it all out.
After what seemed like hours, he finally forced himself to move. With his legs feeling like heavy lead, he managed to somehow back out of the room and quietly shut the door without them knowing.
He backed up quickly, slumping hard against the opposite wall and just stood there for several minutes...just trying to get himself under control again. He felt a hot prickly dampness cover his skin as he stared at the door, in shock, unblinking. It felt like he was frozen to the spot, as confusion and disbelief waged a war inside him. After several more minutes he finally made himself move again, shoving himself away from the wall and towards the front door, and moving through Nick's house as if on autopilot.
He hurried to his car and unlocked it, sliding in as quickly as he could. He stared in amazement at the way that his hand shook, while he tried to start up the ignition. He didn't want to think about why. He just wanted to get the hell out of there before Nick or Howie realized that he had been there at all.
He shook his head in complete bewilderment as he released the parking break and slowly backed out of the drive and into the street. Then he took off - like a bat out of hell.
Driving down the highway he could not rationalize any of it. Howie. He still couldn't wrap his brain around it. How had that happened? Why had it happened? And why was he obviously the last one to know about it? His mind was just refusing to accept what he had seen. Not when they had all agreed a long time ago - when Nick and AJ had finally gotten together - that Nick was off limits to everyone except AJ. Now it seemed that someone had changed the rules on Brian and he was beside himself to understand why.
It was ridiculous of course, and he knew that it was. But he felt so completely betrayed, as an irrational jealousy forged it's way into his chest, beating in time with the racing of his heart. He felt flushed, hotter than hell, and the longer and farther he drove, the more agitated he became.
His mind swam with random images, old and new. Images of Nick at thirteen, sprawled across some hotel room bed, laughing at something he had said, and ignoring his schoolwork as they played games. Then just a few years later, images of Nick laying across another bed, in another hotel room, gloriously naked, touching himself and begging Brian to touch him instead. And Brian did. How could he not? Nick was his best friend. One of the most beautiful people Brian had ever known. And as wrong as he knew it was, he could no more stop himself from loving that boy than he could turn back the tide with his very own human hands.
So the touching didn't stop there.
There had been many hotel rooms after that, and many other places as well, where they had acted out and released their mutual frustrations. At first it was Nick who begged. Than later it was him.
Brian swallowed thickly, snapping his eyes shut briefly, his throat so dry, that it felt like gravel. Sweat beaded on his face and dampened the palms of his hands, as they gripped the steering wheel, white-knuckled-tight. He literally felt sick, his stomach churning around on the inside like a whirlpool of acid.
He couldn't stop the flood of images now. Like the images of what he had just seen. Images of Nick and Howie, rolling over in the bed, sweat slick skin moving slowly against each other. Bronzed hands and fingers, skimming over moist golden flesh, mouths and tongues sliding together, while the echos of their cries and harsh breaths pierced his mind, making his blood quicken and his body ache all over.
Brian angrily wiped off the sweat from above his lip and on his forehead, wiping the wetness on the leg of his pants as he headed towards the farthest right lane. His hands were still shaking, and try as he might, he could not ignore the deep penetrating ache in his groin. A needful, throbbing ache.
He was so damn mad he wanted to scream out or hit something, and that was so not like him. But if he didn't do something, anything, he was going to end up wrecking... or worse. He felt on the edge of losing it, completely.
And before his brain could comprehend his own actions, Brian was veering his car off to the side where there was a pullout overlooking the beach. Barely coming to a stop, he shoved the car into park and grabbed at the waistband of his pants, tearing the button open and yanking the zipper down. He didn't want to think about what he was doing, didn't want to analyze it. He just knew he needed to - had to - do it. A dark hungry fire burned inside his body and he had no choice but to ground it out.
Shoving his hand down into hot damp heat, he ignored the vehicles on the highway that were cruising by him at top speed, instead giving in to the desperate craving he had been fighting all day.
A shaky groan rumbled up from deep in his throat as he wrapped his hand around himself and squeezed. His head fell back against the seat and his eyes fluttered shut as he began to work the overly-hot flesh.
Oh God, God, God...what was he doing?
He shook his head, pushing away all thought except one. The sweet taste of Nick's sweat-drenched skin. Skin that he remembered all too well running his own mouth over. He whimpered, almost as if in pain, as he stroked his hand up and down his hard thickened length, tugging harder on the swelling flesh.
It didn't take long for him to reach the precipice. He'd been hovering near it all day, he knew that now. Without fully realizing it, he'd been aching for a connection again, a connection with Nick that had long since been severed. But now that desire raged through him again like a wildfire, scorching everything in it's wake.
Now it wasn't Howie's hands on Nick's slick golden flesh. Now it was Brian's. Again. And it wasn't Howie's mouth devouring Nick's hot wet mouth. It was his. In his mind's eye he could see that young slender boy stretched out before him, aching and yearning to be loved and wanted. Reaching out for him, blond hair mussed and cherry lips swollen, his body wantonly open and ready for the taking. And, oh God forgive him, but Brian had taken... and taken... and taken...
He pumped his fist faster, he was so close...so very close. He tossed his head back and forth against the headrest while his hand worked even harder. Rivulets of sweat trickled down the sides of his face, down his neck and chest, his entire body - overheated. And still the fire kept burning, kept building.
It was like Brian could actually smell the sweet boy scent of Nick again, still feel his soft smooth skin - like no other before him or since. He could still hear Nick's first gasps of pain, first cries of passion, as if he were right there with Brian. And maybe he was...
"Nick..."
Brian could feel Nick's own touch as well, at first shy and unsure, but later...oh so confidant and proficient, so demanding and forceful. Nick knew every sensitive spot on Brian's body and used that knowledge to the hilt, pleasuring Brian until he wasn't coherent enough to say whether it was day or night, and could have cared less if it were either.
Brian missed that devastating mouth that could wreck him so completely, those pretty angel lips, that wicked tongue that brought him more pure unadulterated bliss than he'd ever known. He missed that mop of platinum silk that brushed against his lower flesh in the middle of the night. And that long lean stretch of golden skin that Brian had memorized so thoroughly, that at times he felt he knew Nick's body better than his own. But most of all he missed the way that Nick could make him feel inside, like no one else ever could. So loved, appreciated and virtually worshiped, and all without condition.
Because Brian, of all people knew and knew full well, that no one gave of themselves like Nick could. No one trusted like he did. No one loved so completely and so wholly the way that Nick had loved him, so much so, that Nick had lost himself in the process. Nick had loved him so thoroughly, so loyally - the way that only Nick could love - that it made Brian's soul ache with an emptiness now that he never knew could exist. He missed that Nick, he missed that love. Because he knew now that he hadn't felt that kind of love since then.
Nick was special, unique. There was no one else like him. He knew there never would be.
Brian wanted to cry out, wanted to scream for what he had lost, for what he longed for and knew he could never have again, as he pumped himself quicker and quicker. Hot tears spilled down his face as he working himself, forcing himself closer to his climax, pushing his way towards his release, and away from the pain of that loss. Until finally the heat and fire merged, rushing through his veins and burning away every last fiber of conscious thought until he no longer cared about anything... anything but... release.
He jerked back hard, almost arching off the seat as that fire finally erupted, flaring outward from his groin in pulse after pulse of hot blissful relief.
And then nothing. Just white noise. Static in his mind, as the obsessive fog slowly cleared and his brain hit restart once again.
The only thing Brian heard for a long time after that, was the sound of his own heavy breathing, his eyes shut tight against the real world, as fantasy itself receded.
Once the sound of vehicles racing down the highway began to register on him again, he slowly opened his eyes, blinking into focus his surroundings. That's when he looked down. Down at the traces of his lapse in good moral judgment. The evidence of his sinful slide.
Brian's eyes widened as he stared at himself, all rumpled and soiled clothing, all uncovered and spent flesh. His stomach lurched hard. Frantically he started wiping away the proof of what he'd done, when suddenly he lunged forward, his other hand coming up to close over his mouth. He grappled for the door, scratching desperately for the lever and shoving it open as quickly as he could, before leaning his head out the door.
-*-
Brian remembered a lot from back then. He remembered two young boys searching for comfort, acceptance and even...love, in each other's arms - as they passed through foreign towns with strange names. He remembered soft skin, firm touches and whispered pleas, and wanting things that he shouldn't have, because he wasn't raised to want those kinds of things.
And as he sat back up to wipe the vomit from his mouth, he stared into the rear-view mirror at blue eyes he thought he knew so well. Eyes that were now damp with tears of shame, regret...and loss.
Brian remembered a lot from that time, but knew he had forgotten just as much too.
Like the high price he had to pay for it all.
---
'Touch By A Boy' Stories
Pairings: GSF (Nick w/everyone)
Rating: FRAO - Adults Only
Disclaimer: Nonsense
Warnings: Profanity, angst, flashback underage sex and masturbation. Not much on plot either. woot!
Author's note: Well since this is December, and December being BSB-GSF month, this is my paltry little contribution to that. heh. I guess this probably isn't a GSF in the truest sense, because it is not all the boys - in one room - getting it on - all at once. lol It is a GSF in the sense that Nick has/had sexual relations at one time or another with all of them. ;) (Fictionally speaking, of course. heh. ;)
Summary: Letting go is always easier in theory, but much harder in practice.
Letting Go
-*-
Brian didn't sleep very well the night before, too much was on his mind. So instead of fighting it any longer, he gave in and got up. He showered, dressed and drank one cup of coffee before Leighanne even stirred. After leaving her a note and checking on Baylee, placing a gentle kiss on his silky forehead, he left the house and headed towards Nick's. He figured maybe if Nick wasn't too hungover, the two of them could go out for breakfast and spend the day together.
He really didn't have any specific plans, per se, he just knew that he wanted to spend some quality time hanging out with Nick. Yet, as Brian drove through town, he couldn't help but remember a much different time. A time when things between them were rarely ever planned, instead much more spontaneous. A time when he and Nick were virtually inseparable. Frick and Frack. Two best friends. Two peas in the same pod. And two pranksters that encouraged one another to new heights of silliness, albeit much to the chagrin of their other band mates on many occasions.
As he maneuvered his car through the small hills near Nick's place, Brian smiled, recalling the hours he and Nick spent playing video games, shooting hoops or just running around backstage raising hell and commotion. He couldn't resist the urge to chuckle out loud, as he thought of the numerous pranks of questionable taste that they had conspired together on. Those were the times - growing up on the road and in foreign hotel rooms and on one tiny ass crowded bus - that he wouldn't change for anything. He knew that. But Brian also knew that as close as they had been at one time, things had changed a lot since he married.
He sighed as he allowed his mind to take a walk back in time. There were other things he remembered as well. Things he had tried very hard to forget. Like the hurtful looks his best friend shot him, looks that spoke of betrayal and of a young heart broken, when he had begged out of something with Nick in order to spend time with his new girl, Leighanne.
Brian had tried, numerous times, to explain to Nick how he felt, how much he wanted to marry and start a family. But while Nick had said he understood, in time Brian realized that Nick had not. Not really. Nick was too young and too hurt, and only saw it as Brian trading one blond in for another. But maybe that was his fault after all, Brian reasoned to himself. Maybe if he had not gotten so close to Nick. Maybe if he hadn't . . .
If they hadn't . . .
Brian winched and internally shook himself, wishing he could literally shake off some of the things from his past - from their past - just as easily. Things he had forced himself over time not to think about, as if they had happened to someone else and not to him at all. How else could he live with himself? How could any of them, knowing what they had all done?
Of course they had all justified it - in their own minds - at the time, and since then he supposed. After all...it was helping Nick get through the hardest of years. It was helping him deal with having little to no family around much, or the way they had all been worked into complete exhaustion like they were nothing more than dogs or trained circus animals.
It was because Nick had nightmares, hated to be alone, hated the awkwardness he felt within himself, the insecurity. His thin gangly limbs and soft belly. His uncooperative skin, his innate shyness and his seemingly inability to speak coherently at times. Not to mention, his extremely sensitive nature and hair-trigger temper. All those things - plus the newness of fame - brought about some pretty tumultuous moments for a boy who was already undergoing the normal trials of teenage adolescence and his own sexual awakenings and curiosity. And all the while, crammed on a small bus touring strange cities and foreign countries with four other boys, who many times, were dealing with their own demons and insecurities as well.
They had all wanted - initially with the best of intentions - to help Nick through it all. And in fact, due to the particular situation they were all in, they really needed to find a way to help him cope. There was far too much at stake for all of them, as they headed toward their possible shot at stardom.
It was just that none of them ever really expected that things would end up becoming what it had.
But that was a long time ago, Brian reassured himself. He didn't want to think about that now, so he pushed all those memories, along with the unwanted emotions that came with them, back out of his mind again. Just like he had before. It was never easy, quite the contrary in fact. But it was necessary. He was married now, and happy. A husband and a father. Something he had wanted since he was nothing more than a boy himself. He knew in his heart that he and Nick had come to some kind of unspoken agreement between them since then. And for the sake of everyone, as well as their own friendship, they pretty much had to.
The past had to remain in the past where it belonged. They had moved on. Each of them. Yet there were moments, Brian conceded, if only to himself... when he missed those times. When he missed that Nick. Missed them...and the way they were back then. At least some of it. He inhaled a shaky breath before slowly releasing it. Yet, it was better this way. Of course it was. He knew it.
Brian was, if nothing else, always about the 'positive'. And this tour was proving to be a new beginning in a lot of ways. They had all recognized it as a gift, a second chance. Not just professionally either. And in his mind and in his heart, Brian wanted this to be a new beginning - not only for the group - but for his and Nick's friendship as well. A new start for a newer - if somewhat older and hopefully wiser - Frick and Frack.
He smiled, suddenly feeling a little more settled inside about everything. He felt more positive and reconciled with himself and the past, and looking forward to their new beginning as he pulled up to Nick's house.
He immediately noted that two of Nick's vehicles were in the drive. Assuming that Nick must be home, Brian parked and got out, whistling as he made his way to the door. He didn't even hesitate taking out the spare key Nick had given him when he first bought the place, or in using it to open the front door. He keyed memorized numbers into the alarm panel and closed the door before he called out... "Hey doofus, you up nursing your hangover yet?"
Brian made his way through the darkened house, small that it was - it didn't take long. He shook his head at how lazy Nick could be and bounded up the stairs and headed towards the bedrooms, a smile plastered wide across his face.
"Yo, Frack! You back here?" he called out once more. As he got closer to Nick's room, he saw that the door was closed and immediately figured Nick was still out cold from the night before. Brian just shook his head again and snorted. "Nick...you are somethin' else, buddy."
He grabbed the doorknob and turned it, smiling as he opened the door and poked his head into the room.
"Nick?"
That's where he halted his journey. Suddenly his mouth went slack and his eyes darted back and forth over the sight before him, while his brain tried to process what he was actually seeing. Because...it just...couldn't...be.
He stood there in utter shock as he watched the two naked forms on Nick's bed, move sensuously against each other in a slow erotic dance of passion. Two forms - or people - he had thought were no longer involved in any other way except as friends and band mates. Not since Nick and AJ had hooked up.
Brian blinked rapidly as he tried to focus more clearly, because surely it wasn't what - or who - he thought it was. His heart was thudding in his chest, the sound pounding its way through his head until it almost drowned out the moans of pleasure coming from the bed. And as a heated flush bloomed over his face and body, he wished it had drowned it all out.
After what seemed like hours, he finally forced himself to move. With his legs feeling like heavy lead, he managed to somehow back out of the room and quietly shut the door without them knowing.
He backed up quickly, slumping hard against the opposite wall and just stood there for several minutes...just trying to get himself under control again. He felt a hot prickly dampness cover his skin as he stared at the door, in shock, unblinking. It felt like he was frozen to the spot, as confusion and disbelief waged a war inside him. After several more minutes he finally made himself move again, shoving himself away from the wall and towards the front door, and moving through Nick's house as if on autopilot.
He hurried to his car and unlocked it, sliding in as quickly as he could. He stared in amazement at the way that his hand shook, while he tried to start up the ignition. He didn't want to think about why. He just wanted to get the hell out of there before Nick or Howie realized that he had been there at all.
He shook his head in complete bewilderment as he released the parking break and slowly backed out of the drive and into the street. Then he took off - like a bat out of hell.
Driving down the highway he could not rationalize any of it. Howie. He still couldn't wrap his brain around it. How had that happened? Why had it happened? And why was he obviously the last one to know about it? His mind was just refusing to accept what he had seen. Not when they had all agreed a long time ago - when Nick and AJ had finally gotten together - that Nick was off limits to everyone except AJ. Now it seemed that someone had changed the rules on Brian and he was beside himself to understand why.
It was ridiculous of course, and he knew that it was. But he felt so completely betrayed, as an irrational jealousy forged it's way into his chest, beating in time with the racing of his heart. He felt flushed, hotter than hell, and the longer and farther he drove, the more agitated he became.
His mind swam with random images, old and new. Images of Nick at thirteen, sprawled across some hotel room bed, laughing at something he had said, and ignoring his schoolwork as they played games. Then just a few years later, images of Nick laying across another bed, in another hotel room, gloriously naked, touching himself and begging Brian to touch him instead. And Brian did. How could he not? Nick was his best friend. One of the most beautiful people Brian had ever known. And as wrong as he knew it was, he could no more stop himself from loving that boy than he could turn back the tide with his very own human hands.
So the touching didn't stop there.
There had been many hotel rooms after that, and many other places as well, where they had acted out and released their mutual frustrations. At first it was Nick who begged. Than later it was him.
Brian swallowed thickly, snapping his eyes shut briefly, his throat so dry, that it felt like gravel. Sweat beaded on his face and dampened the palms of his hands, as they gripped the steering wheel, white-knuckled-tight. He literally felt sick, his stomach churning around on the inside like a whirlpool of acid.
He couldn't stop the flood of images now. Like the images of what he had just seen. Images of Nick and Howie, rolling over in the bed, sweat slick skin moving slowly against each other. Bronzed hands and fingers, skimming over moist golden flesh, mouths and tongues sliding together, while the echos of their cries and harsh breaths pierced his mind, making his blood quicken and his body ache all over.
Brian angrily wiped off the sweat from above his lip and on his forehead, wiping the wetness on the leg of his pants as he headed towards the farthest right lane. His hands were still shaking, and try as he might, he could not ignore the deep penetrating ache in his groin. A needful, throbbing ache.
He was so damn mad he wanted to scream out or hit something, and that was so not like him. But if he didn't do something, anything, he was going to end up wrecking... or worse. He felt on the edge of losing it, completely.
And before his brain could comprehend his own actions, Brian was veering his car off to the side where there was a pullout overlooking the beach. Barely coming to a stop, he shoved the car into park and grabbed at the waistband of his pants, tearing the button open and yanking the zipper down. He didn't want to think about what he was doing, didn't want to analyze it. He just knew he needed to - had to - do it. A dark hungry fire burned inside his body and he had no choice but to ground it out.
Shoving his hand down into hot damp heat, he ignored the vehicles on the highway that were cruising by him at top speed, instead giving in to the desperate craving he had been fighting all day.
A shaky groan rumbled up from deep in his throat as he wrapped his hand around himself and squeezed. His head fell back against the seat and his eyes fluttered shut as he began to work the overly-hot flesh.
Oh God, God, God...what was he doing?
He shook his head, pushing away all thought except one. The sweet taste of Nick's sweat-drenched skin. Skin that he remembered all too well running his own mouth over. He whimpered, almost as if in pain, as he stroked his hand up and down his hard thickened length, tugging harder on the swelling flesh.
It didn't take long for him to reach the precipice. He'd been hovering near it all day, he knew that now. Without fully realizing it, he'd been aching for a connection again, a connection with Nick that had long since been severed. But now that desire raged through him again like a wildfire, scorching everything in it's wake.
Now it wasn't Howie's hands on Nick's slick golden flesh. Now it was Brian's. Again. And it wasn't Howie's mouth devouring Nick's hot wet mouth. It was his. In his mind's eye he could see that young slender boy stretched out before him, aching and yearning to be loved and wanted. Reaching out for him, blond hair mussed and cherry lips swollen, his body wantonly open and ready for the taking. And, oh God forgive him, but Brian had taken... and taken... and taken...
He pumped his fist faster, he was so close...so very close. He tossed his head back and forth against the headrest while his hand worked even harder. Rivulets of sweat trickled down the sides of his face, down his neck and chest, his entire body - overheated. And still the fire kept burning, kept building.
It was like Brian could actually smell the sweet boy scent of Nick again, still feel his soft smooth skin - like no other before him or since. He could still hear Nick's first gasps of pain, first cries of passion, as if he were right there with Brian. And maybe he was...
"Nick..."
Brian could feel Nick's own touch as well, at first shy and unsure, but later...oh so confidant and proficient, so demanding and forceful. Nick knew every sensitive spot on Brian's body and used that knowledge to the hilt, pleasuring Brian until he wasn't coherent enough to say whether it was day or night, and could have cared less if it were either.
Brian missed that devastating mouth that could wreck him so completely, those pretty angel lips, that wicked tongue that brought him more pure unadulterated bliss than he'd ever known. He missed that mop of platinum silk that brushed against his lower flesh in the middle of the night. And that long lean stretch of golden skin that Brian had memorized so thoroughly, that at times he felt he knew Nick's body better than his own. But most of all he missed the way that Nick could make him feel inside, like no one else ever could. So loved, appreciated and virtually worshiped, and all without condition.
Because Brian, of all people knew and knew full well, that no one gave of themselves like Nick could. No one trusted like he did. No one loved so completely and so wholly the way that Nick had loved him, so much so, that Nick had lost himself in the process. Nick had loved him so thoroughly, so loyally - the way that only Nick could love - that it made Brian's soul ache with an emptiness now that he never knew could exist. He missed that Nick, he missed that love. Because he knew now that he hadn't felt that kind of love since then.
Nick was special, unique. There was no one else like him. He knew there never would be.
Brian wanted to cry out, wanted to scream for what he had lost, for what he longed for and knew he could never have again, as he pumped himself quicker and quicker. Hot tears spilled down his face as he working himself, forcing himself closer to his climax, pushing his way towards his release, and away from the pain of that loss. Until finally the heat and fire merged, rushing through his veins and burning away every last fiber of conscious thought until he no longer cared about anything... anything but... release.
He jerked back hard, almost arching off the seat as that fire finally erupted, flaring outward from his groin in pulse after pulse of hot blissful relief.
And then nothing. Just white noise. Static in his mind, as the obsessive fog slowly cleared and his brain hit restart once again.
The only thing Brian heard for a long time after that, was the sound of his own heavy breathing, his eyes shut tight against the real world, as fantasy itself receded.
Once the sound of vehicles racing down the highway began to register on him again, he slowly opened his eyes, blinking into focus his surroundings. That's when he looked down. Down at the traces of his lapse in good moral judgment. The evidence of his sinful slide.
Brian's eyes widened as he stared at himself, all rumpled and soiled clothing, all uncovered and spent flesh. His stomach lurched hard. Frantically he started wiping away the proof of what he'd done, when suddenly he lunged forward, his other hand coming up to close over his mouth. He grappled for the door, scratching desperately for the lever and shoving it open as quickly as he could, before leaning his head out the door.
-*-
Brian remembered a lot from back then. He remembered two young boys searching for comfort, acceptance and even...love, in each other's arms - as they passed through foreign towns with strange names. He remembered soft skin, firm touches and whispered pleas, and wanting things that he shouldn't have, because he wasn't raised to want those kinds of things.
And as he sat back up to wipe the vomit from his mouth, he stared into the rear-view mirror at blue eyes he thought he knew so well. Eyes that were now damp with tears of shame, regret...and loss.
Brian remembered a lot from that time, but knew he had forgotten just as much too.
Like the high price he had to pay for it all.
---
'Touch By A Boy' Stories