changes in myself
Thursday night I kind of freaked out. I had been kind of freaking out all day, and I almost had two panic attacks throughout the day while my mom was getting fucking dish tv set up in my house (which she has since then canceled because I freaked out so much, even though she didn't see much of the freaking....I am so good at keeping it all inside and pushing it down until not even I know it's there anymore). I freaked out about where I am in life, and what I'm doing here and how I'm not living my life the way I should be, and I was freaking out about things with Ben (which was stupid, because things with Ben are fine now and will always be fine, we have talked about it over and over and we are both in good places with this friendship in our own minds). I finally ended up walking down to the bus stop (much later than I had wanted to go into the city and ended up not being able to have dinner with Megan which was sad). The dish guy drove by and asked if I wanted a ride, I think he thought I was mad directly at him. And mom and her friend Steve drove by and she was being stupidly goofy and I just couldn't handle it at the time. I'm glad they only stopped to bother me for a moment. The moon was out and gorgeous, the walk was desperately needed. I was the only one on the bus down to the ferry terminal and had a nice talk with the busdriver. It was a needed step outside.
Headed into the city to meet up with Ben. We went to see That 1 Guy who was opening up for a horrid band, so we actually only stayed to see his set. Oh my good fucking lord. He blew me away, just like I knew he would, with that amazing Magic Pipe (and the magic boot and the magic saw). Check him out!! So fucking amazing, but barely anyone was there, which was a bit sad. I wanted to talk to him after his set, but he didn't come out before we were driven out of there by horrid high school garage rock.
Friday Ben and I kicked it all day, hung out with Marren (who I am liking more and more the more I know her and who wants to teach me to blow glass and who wants to run around in the woods with me and who wants to drive to the Rainbow Gathering this summer, yay!! I've been in need of a new girl friend). Later that night we went over to some more friends of Ben's, Steven and Tiffany, and my whole world was changed. Steven is big on the 13 moon calendar and the Law of Time foundation and is actually directly involved in the Pacific NW PAN and he sat there and explained a million and ten things to me and gave me a calendar and an old calendar with good info and a cd full of info on the whole thing. I was blown away. I had been meaning to switch over to the 13 moon calendar for some time now, but I hadn't really gotten in to it, now I am full blown. I read all through both calendars he gave me, I read through a lot of the info on the cd he gave me (there is still TONS more, but it's hard to sit in front of a computer screen and read that stuff and I ran out of paper last night when I printed out a pocket calendar which I messed up), looked all over the World 13 Moon Calendar Change Peace Movement site and the Law of Time Foundation site and just totally drowned my mind with this ever since I left their house friday night. It has made me feel better already. It just makes so much more sense. The only thing I dislike about it is that it doesn't directly follow the moon, but I realize that it is a calendar to be used worldwide, not a calendar to just follow the moon, so this is ok.
It's funny...no, it's typical? no...I can't find the word (sychronicty in some other form?)...but the day I met Steven and Tiffany happened to be a Galactic Activation Portal day. Everything happens for a reason, eh? I was meant to meet those kids. Steven and I talked about making earth houses, and we all talked about making a community of our own and getting out of this bullshit society we live in. We talked about meditation, music, mountains, good herb, vegan food (Tiffany is a raw vegan and Steven is practically there), and just had an overall wonderful evening relaxing.
I slept at Suni's that night and saw mom when she came over in the morning, who was confused as to why I was upset and not even really sure if I was upset. I wasn't really able to talk to her about it and as Michael drove me downtown we kinda talked about how I was lost and lacking a sense of direction (which were his words, because I have a sense of direction, I know where I want to be, I'm just not doing enough to get there) and I couldn't help but to shed a few tears. Michael says I can always talk to him, and I know I can, but he has totally different views than me, and he wants to just tell me to go to school, travel with some friends, blah blah blah. I want more than that.
I went up to Travellers and got myself a tibetan bell (which came with a vajra that I may or may not give to Nathan). I have been meaning to get one since Nathan did, but I don't like the sound on mine as much as on his. But it is easier to get going, so maybe it will be ok. Or maybe I will pass that one on to someone who needs one and eventually get myself another one. We shall see.
Hitched home from about Portage Bay since that is as far as the 118 goes (and no 119 to dockton on the weekends). I have this strange thing with letting people who pick me up drive me all the way home, but this lady was insistant and she actually drove me all the way up someone else's driveway since she wouldn't just let me off on the road. Good lord, there is a limit to kindness. I don't know what my deal is, I just wanted to walk for a bit I guess.
The moon last night, my goodness, my Goddess. There was a huge ring around her and she was so close to being full. Uh, made my heart melt.
I think next friday I am going to skip out on Buckethead (if I go to Wakarusa I will see him there) and go to Kirtan with Nathan instead. I was completely light and peaceful after the last session we went to. Saturday Jah and Meghan are coming up for Atmos and all the other craziness going on at the Psy-Center (and if Steven doesn't go down to Portland he is going to come with me because he looooves psytrance, one more wonderful thing about him!) and then Sunday is Pnuma which Ben is getting me into for free because he is a sweetheart and wants me to be there ("I invited everyone I know in Seattle, you better be my date so I can show you off to everyone!" Every friend of his I meet says they have being hearing about me for months now...which is sweet and cute in it's own way). Mmm, yay, next weekend will be good.
My biggest brother and his wife are coming up on Tuesday, yay!!! I haven't seen them for a while and it's always good to have them around. I don't think they are staying too long (two nights max), but at least they are coming.
Oi, this is getting long, and I still have more I could write about.
I could write about summer and how excited I am getting already, I could write about how I want to start figuring things out for New Zealand next winter, or how I am still undecided about going to Wakarusa just because I don't want to be a bother to Ben (even though he asked me to go), or how Jah already said he'd meet me in canada for TechSafari (giving us a place to stay in Quebec with some of his family) and then hitch out to BC for Shambala, or how I am pretty sure I am reading a book that Saeb's aunt wrote (which happens to be one of Ben's favorite books, reason why I am reading it).
But I won't. I'll end this here and now. Maybe I should get my shit together and actually start the day! This Red Rythmic Serpent Day 6 of Galactic Moon 8...
I Organize in order to Survive
Balancing Instinct
I seal the Store of Life Force
With the Rhythmic tone of Equality
I am guided by my own power doubled
Headed into the city to meet up with Ben. We went to see That 1 Guy who was opening up for a horrid band, so we actually only stayed to see his set. Oh my good fucking lord. He blew me away, just like I knew he would, with that amazing Magic Pipe (and the magic boot and the magic saw). Check him out!! So fucking amazing, but barely anyone was there, which was a bit sad. I wanted to talk to him after his set, but he didn't come out before we were driven out of there by horrid high school garage rock.
Friday Ben and I kicked it all day, hung out with Marren (who I am liking more and more the more I know her and who wants to teach me to blow glass and who wants to run around in the woods with me and who wants to drive to the Rainbow Gathering this summer, yay!! I've been in need of a new girl friend). Later that night we went over to some more friends of Ben's, Steven and Tiffany, and my whole world was changed. Steven is big on the 13 moon calendar and the Law of Time foundation and is actually directly involved in the Pacific NW PAN and he sat there and explained a million and ten things to me and gave me a calendar and an old calendar with good info and a cd full of info on the whole thing. I was blown away. I had been meaning to switch over to the 13 moon calendar for some time now, but I hadn't really gotten in to it, now I am full blown. I read all through both calendars he gave me, I read through a lot of the info on the cd he gave me (there is still TONS more, but it's hard to sit in front of a computer screen and read that stuff and I ran out of paper last night when I printed out a pocket calendar which I messed up), looked all over the World 13 Moon Calendar Change Peace Movement site and the Law of Time Foundation site and just totally drowned my mind with this ever since I left their house friday night. It has made me feel better already. It just makes so much more sense. The only thing I dislike about it is that it doesn't directly follow the moon, but I realize that it is a calendar to be used worldwide, not a calendar to just follow the moon, so this is ok.
It's funny...no, it's typical? no...I can't find the word (sychronicty in some other form?)...but the day I met Steven and Tiffany happened to be a Galactic Activation Portal day. Everything happens for a reason, eh? I was meant to meet those kids. Steven and I talked about making earth houses, and we all talked about making a community of our own and getting out of this bullshit society we live in. We talked about meditation, music, mountains, good herb, vegan food (Tiffany is a raw vegan and Steven is practically there), and just had an overall wonderful evening relaxing.
I slept at Suni's that night and saw mom when she came over in the morning, who was confused as to why I was upset and not even really sure if I was upset. I wasn't really able to talk to her about it and as Michael drove me downtown we kinda talked about how I was lost and lacking a sense of direction (which were his words, because I have a sense of direction, I know where I want to be, I'm just not doing enough to get there) and I couldn't help but to shed a few tears. Michael says I can always talk to him, and I know I can, but he has totally different views than me, and he wants to just tell me to go to school, travel with some friends, blah blah blah. I want more than that.
I went up to Travellers and got myself a tibetan bell (which came with a vajra that I may or may not give to Nathan). I have been meaning to get one since Nathan did, but I don't like the sound on mine as much as on his. But it is easier to get going, so maybe it will be ok. Or maybe I will pass that one on to someone who needs one and eventually get myself another one. We shall see.
Hitched home from about Portage Bay since that is as far as the 118 goes (and no 119 to dockton on the weekends). I have this strange thing with letting people who pick me up drive me all the way home, but this lady was insistant and she actually drove me all the way up someone else's driveway since she wouldn't just let me off on the road. Good lord, there is a limit to kindness. I don't know what my deal is, I just wanted to walk for a bit I guess.
The moon last night, my goodness, my Goddess. There was a huge ring around her and she was so close to being full. Uh, made my heart melt.
I think next friday I am going to skip out on Buckethead (if I go to Wakarusa I will see him there) and go to Kirtan with Nathan instead. I was completely light and peaceful after the last session we went to. Saturday Jah and Meghan are coming up for Atmos and all the other craziness going on at the Psy-Center (and if Steven doesn't go down to Portland he is going to come with me because he looooves psytrance, one more wonderful thing about him!) and then Sunday is Pnuma which Ben is getting me into for free because he is a sweetheart and wants me to be there ("I invited everyone I know in Seattle, you better be my date so I can show you off to everyone!" Every friend of his I meet says they have being hearing about me for months now...which is sweet and cute in it's own way). Mmm, yay, next weekend will be good.
My biggest brother and his wife are coming up on Tuesday, yay!!! I haven't seen them for a while and it's always good to have them around. I don't think they are staying too long (two nights max), but at least they are coming.
Oi, this is getting long, and I still have more I could write about.
I could write about summer and how excited I am getting already, I could write about how I want to start figuring things out for New Zealand next winter, or how I am still undecided about going to Wakarusa just because I don't want to be a bother to Ben (even though he asked me to go), or how Jah already said he'd meet me in canada for TechSafari (giving us a place to stay in Quebec with some of his family) and then hitch out to BC for Shambala, or how I am pretty sure I am reading a book that Saeb's aunt wrote (which happens to be one of Ben's favorite books, reason why I am reading it).
But I won't. I'll end this here and now. Maybe I should get my shit together and actually start the day! This Red Rythmic Serpent Day 6 of Galactic Moon 8...
I Organize in order to Survive
Balancing Instinct
I seal the Store of Life Force
With the Rhythmic tone of Equality
I am guided by my own power doubled