(no subject)
“I just ousted Hairy Bob as mayor of Hairy Bob’s Hair Emporium! http://4sq.com/nvHHYY”
Matthew Marks was tweeting as he sassily walked down the busy Manhattan street. He loved Foursquare so much. It was his favorite thing in the whole world outside of his dog, his fiance, his hair, his television, his purse, and his smile. In that order.
Suddenly, he bumped into someone. “Hey!” he cried. But the man he’d bumped into was already halfway down the block. “Just...bumped...into...a...class-A...douche...” he started keying into his phone, fingers flying.
When all of the sudden, his purse let out a high-pitched beep! That sound could only mean one thing...
Sure enough, Wendy Williams the Magical Unicorn, last of the Sparkle Species, appeared in front of him. All other motion stopped, passersby freezing mid-step, a leaf paused in a stilled whirlwind.
“Wendy Williams!” Matthew Marks said, gasping in surprise.
“Matthew Marks!” Wendy Williams said in a sparkly voice. “You know what you’ve done wrong! Twitter is no place to call people names! You have also overstepped your Foursquare boundaries! Hairy Bob’s Hair Emporium has only one rightful mayor! You must complete a journey to regain your Foursquare privileges. Climb upon my back.”
“Yes, Wendy Williams.” And Matthew Marks climbed upon the magical unicorn’s back, taking a light hold of her mane and closing his eyes against the breeze as Wendy Williams reared back and flew upward rapidly, sparkly rainbow trailing behind her, powering her flight.
Together Matthew Marks and Wendy Williams passed out of the smog and haze of New York City, over the Hudson River, and out into the country. Some friendly geese flying by all called a noisy hello to the unicorn and Matthew Marks felt his eyes prickle with tears at the beauty of nature. Sometimes he forgot about things like geese in Manhattan.
The magical unicorn was taking him to his country home, he knew the path well. At his country home he could clear his head and re-learn what life is about.
He had just started to feel drowsy when finally Wendy Williams began to descend. There it was. Upon a hill in all its shining glory. He could almost imagine his favorite mirror with its two pairs of panties hanging off it. He smile wide, and thought to himself how awesome his smile probably looked right now, with his hair blowing and tousled and his cheeks rosy with the chill in the air.
When Wendy Williams dropped him at the front door, he made sure to shake any extra sparkles from his jacket before stepping inside.
In front of him stood a sharply dressed good-looking man. He knew from past experience that this was his purse, who liked to be called Murse when he was in his human form. Murse never told Matthew Marks how he could get from his shoulder on the ride on Wendy Williams to inside the country home in such a short time without Matthew Marks noticing the missing bag, so it was just a mystery.
“Matthew Marks. You have been abusing your Twitter and Foursquare privileges. As punishment, you have lost all of your rights to care for me as your exquisite purse. I will forever remain in my human form and you will never again have a bag as perfect as me to carry all of your things to the Eugene O’Neill Theatre.”
A single tear slipped from Matthew Marks’ eye. Except for that time that he heard the Rosie O’Donnell show was cancelled, he’d never heard sadder news. Images of him carrying a simple duffle, bulging unattractively, blandly designed flew through his mind. His co-workers would make fun of him. He would be laughed at as he walked down the street. A duffle wouldn’t even match his walk! He was doomed!
“You can earn me back as your purse if you complete some tasks, however,” Murse was saying when Matthew Marks snapped out of his doom-filled daze.
“Anything!” he cried desperately. “I’ll do anything for you, Murse!”
And so Murse laid before him three tasks: return his mayor badge to Hairy Bob, delete his tweet about the Class-A Douche, and, the hardest task of all, give the mayor badge of the Eugene O’Neill Theatre back to Nic Rouleau.
Matthew Marks draped himself across an armchair in anguish to search deep within his soul and decide whether or not he could complete these tasks. Murse left him alone with his thoughts, disappearing through a magical tunnel just out the front door and under the porch.
Right before he had left, Murse had given Matthew Marks his cell phone with the strict instructions that it only be used to complete the three tasks. If he could not use his cell phone for those tasks, then he was to throw it dramatically at the couch and stomp his right foot three times. This would summon Wendy Williams to take him back to Manhattan, without a phone and, more importantly, without his purse.
Sniffling, Matthew Marks picked up the cell phone and with shaking fingers set out to complete the first task. Taking a deep breath and steeling his nerves, he keyed in the right combination of numbers and letters that zapped his mayor privileges away and back to Hairy Bob.
He had to take a short break after completing that task, to gather his thoughts and catch his breath. But not too much later, he picked up his phone again. All he had to do was click delete, he thought to himself. Delete and then confirm. Easy as pie.
He thought of the Class-A Douche on the street, cheap suit and scuffed shoes, head down as he blabbered on into his iPhone Bluetooth, briefcase in one hand, the other waving around with his words. Slamming right into Matthew Marks, right there in broad daylight where everyone could see, and then saying nothing! Nothing!
But...well...Matthew Marks HAD been tweeting when they’d collided. So...well, what if it was partly HIS fault too and Class-A Douche wasn’t really a Class-A Douche but more like...Class-C Douche. Because he hadn’t apologized, so there was that. Perhaps Matthew Marks could find it within himself to forgive the man.
He deleted the tweet.
The hardest task, though, still lay ahead. Giving the mayorship back to Nic Rouleau. Could he do it?
He thought about all the times he and Nic Rouleau had chatted at work. Nic was nice, friendly, good with children, which Matthew Marks could appreciate but never understand. He played games and told jokes and tweeted cheerful messages to strangers. Matthew Marks thought about what that must be like. Nic always seemed so happy, smiling a lot with sparkling eyes. He briefly wondered if Nic was actually a unicorn in human form, but he set that thought aside.
And Nic worked hard. Well, most of the time. Sometimes he played silly pranks or ate too much food. But he liked to watch the show and take notes and he was always ready at a moment’s notice to go on stage. And he was there every day.
Matthew Marks sighed. That was something he couldn’t always say about himself. When he worked, he worked hard. He had to know so many different parts, which Nic Rouleau didn’t, but he always knew ahead of time when he was going on for which part. And sometimes he didn’t have to be there. He could do things like escape to his country home with his fiance and his dog, or go to the spa or get his teeth whitened. When it came down to it, Nic Rouleau really was the one who deserved the mayorship.
Matthew Marks was surprised to feel a lightening of the burden upon his shoulders. When he looked at life with a happier point of view, appreciating those around him, he could see so much more in people, understand so much more about the world he lived in.
Plus, if he went ahead and gave Nic back the Foursquare mayor badge, he could have his purse back.
Making a mental note to give Nic Rouleau a pat on the back at work tonight - he’d been sad ever since he’d broken his iPhone the other day - Matthew Marks punched a couple of keys on his phone and voila! The mayorship was back in Nic’s hands. Matthew Marks was free!
Murse was suddenly before him. Matthew Marks jumped to his feet, grinning widely, bouncing slightly, excited about life.
“You see, Matthew Marks,” Murse said. “When you stop to take a moment to analyze your own actions and not just compare others unfavorably, you see so many more complexities about life! Congratulations on successfully completing your task. Wendy Williams the Magical Unicorn, Last of the Sparkle Species is waiting for you outside. I will be upon your shoulder as soon as you touch back down in Manhattan. Have a pleasant journey.”
And Matthew Marks went out into the pleasant country sun, took a pleasant breath of pleasant country air, and climbed upon Wendy Williams the Magical Unicorn’s back, settling in for the ride back to New York City and his new, happy life.