The world we knew won't come back....
I managed to get some random free time.... thank you study hall for canceling and not telling me/no one showed up at the scheduled time.
It's been a weird few weeks. So much has happened, and somehow, I'm still in one piece. I'm proud of myself for that - I definitely think the Amber of last year wouldn't be, and I like that. I managed to spend several days with Luke and not come out completely emotionally scarred or damaged. In fact, I feel even more confident about myself and how much I've changed. I know I'm strong now, and that I've moved on. I have a life now and I love it. I was worried about spending so much time with him, but I think we've both reached a good place and it makes me smile.
Smiling is something I seem to do a lot more these days, and I like it. :)
I seem to have officially accepted a new mantra for my love life, "if he's interested, he'll get in touch." While so far this is working, at the same time, I have to wonder, should I be occasionally making contact? I don't want to be one of those girls who needs constant confirmation, because that's just not me. But I don't want to be forgotten about, though that really just brings me back to my mantra.
Friend. It's funny how that one word has so many meanings, especially to me. I've always prided myself on being able to have lots of very good friends - each one special to me in only a way that person can be to me. I've always said I have different friends for different reasons. Lately, I've noticed that I sorely miss the lack of drama from last year... mostly fall semester when things just worked out all the time; and even some of spring semester was amazing. There were the silly things, as in any group, but overall, no one seemed to be falling apart or worried about each other. We were there for each other, in a safe bubble and didn't let anyone penetrate that bubble to hurt those contained within. I feel like this year has been filled with all sorts of politics and picking of sides, and it's frustrating. Last time I checked, we were all in college. Not to mention, it's just immature overall. I know I've gotten caught up in some of it, despite my best efforts, but I just want to go back to the way things were. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen and it stinks. I feel caught in the middle of all of it, and like I can't make a move without someone getting offended. I don't think that's how friendship, true friendship, is supposed to be.
School is going well. I'm ridiculously busy... as in, I really should be doing reading and working, but obviously, I'm not. lol. This semester is going to definitely test my time management skills, but I'm ready for the challenge. I've noticed a change in myself, that I'm much more ready and willing to accept new situations. Not only that, they aren't just "situations", they are challenges and I have come to love having new challenges to constantly try and overcome. It's weird, but it really does keep a smile on my face.
The real reason for this entry... sometimes, I just feel absolutely useless. Like I mentioned before, I feel like I can't make a move without someone getting offended or me appearing to be selfish. Several of my friends are going through some rough things right now, and I sort of feel like there's nothing I can do to help, even though that's what I want to do. And then when I do help, it might come across selfish or half-hearted, and that's not my intent. Okay, so maybe not useless... helpless. A combination of the two. I can't stand to see my friends hurting, and even more so when I feel like any efforts to make them feel better are in vain. It's almost like I'm trying to help someone who is drowning, and I end up drowning right along with them. I'm not really sure where this feeling came from, and I'm not going to let it get me down, but I just don't know how to handle it. I know it's not because I like to be in control, I've accepted that there are things that I can't change and I just roll with the punches anymore (and I'm definitely happier for it). And it's not because I feel like I'm not getting attention for trying to help... if anything, I love being anonymous. Hence the love of NYC because I'm insignificant among so many millions of people and tall buildings... it puts me in my place and I like it. Anyways... I just feel like so many people are in need and I have no idea how to help. It drives me crazy.
It's been a weird few weeks. So much has happened, and somehow, I'm still in one piece. I'm proud of myself for that - I definitely think the Amber of last year wouldn't be, and I like that. I managed to spend several days with Luke and not come out completely emotionally scarred or damaged. In fact, I feel even more confident about myself and how much I've changed. I know I'm strong now, and that I've moved on. I have a life now and I love it. I was worried about spending so much time with him, but I think we've both reached a good place and it makes me smile.
Smiling is something I seem to do a lot more these days, and I like it. :)
I seem to have officially accepted a new mantra for my love life, "if he's interested, he'll get in touch." While so far this is working, at the same time, I have to wonder, should I be occasionally making contact? I don't want to be one of those girls who needs constant confirmation, because that's just not me. But I don't want to be forgotten about, though that really just brings me back to my mantra.
Friend. It's funny how that one word has so many meanings, especially to me. I've always prided myself on being able to have lots of very good friends - each one special to me in only a way that person can be to me. I've always said I have different friends for different reasons. Lately, I've noticed that I sorely miss the lack of drama from last year... mostly fall semester when things just worked out all the time; and even some of spring semester was amazing. There were the silly things, as in any group, but overall, no one seemed to be falling apart or worried about each other. We were there for each other, in a safe bubble and didn't let anyone penetrate that bubble to hurt those contained within. I feel like this year has been filled with all sorts of politics and picking of sides, and it's frustrating. Last time I checked, we were all in college. Not to mention, it's just immature overall. I know I've gotten caught up in some of it, despite my best efforts, but I just want to go back to the way things were. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen and it stinks. I feel caught in the middle of all of it, and like I can't make a move without someone getting offended. I don't think that's how friendship, true friendship, is supposed to be.
School is going well. I'm ridiculously busy... as in, I really should be doing reading and working, but obviously, I'm not. lol. This semester is going to definitely test my time management skills, but I'm ready for the challenge. I've noticed a change in myself, that I'm much more ready and willing to accept new situations. Not only that, they aren't just "situations", they are challenges and I have come to love having new challenges to constantly try and overcome. It's weird, but it really does keep a smile on my face.
The real reason for this entry... sometimes, I just feel absolutely useless. Like I mentioned before, I feel like I can't make a move without someone getting offended or me appearing to be selfish. Several of my friends are going through some rough things right now, and I sort of feel like there's nothing I can do to help, even though that's what I want to do. And then when I do help, it might come across selfish or half-hearted, and that's not my intent. Okay, so maybe not useless... helpless. A combination of the two. I can't stand to see my friends hurting, and even more so when I feel like any efforts to make them feel better are in vain. It's almost like I'm trying to help someone who is drowning, and I end up drowning right along with them. I'm not really sure where this feeling came from, and I'm not going to let it get me down, but I just don't know how to handle it. I know it's not because I like to be in control, I've accepted that there are things that I can't change and I just roll with the punches anymore (and I'm definitely happier for it). And it's not because I feel like I'm not getting attention for trying to help... if anything, I love being anonymous. Hence the love of NYC because I'm insignificant among so many millions of people and tall buildings... it puts me in my place and I like it. Anyways... I just feel like so many people are in need and I have no idea how to help. It drives me crazy.