(no subject)
The entry is kind of long, so if you don't want to read about it, don't click it.
so I fucked it all up. I made a resolution to myself that I'd never smoke again and tonight, after one evening with my cousin, the first of its kind ever, I got high.
All I can think is there goes 3 months down the drain.
Now your starting from scratch.
I'm so mad at myself, and the thing is I feel exactly the way I felt last time I did it.
sad
alone
drowning
with no sign of land
when I was alone, when I started to freak out, there was not one person listed that I felt I could call. I realized I really have no friends left. All the friends I did have either stopped talking to me, or else I stopped talking to them.
there is not one person that I could call right now and be guaranteed an answer-or even a call back for that matter.
now, while I am sad about this, I wonder if that is a big reason why I have so many problems
I am way to dependent
wanna hear something weird?
when I got to my peak nervous point, I automatically went into my Ph.Bk. on my cell phone, and typed in my moms name...
I looked down and realized what I did, and it suddenly dawned on me that I'm depressed. i'm depressed because the only person that I ever really saw defend me....the only person to ever make me feel like I was worth a damn....the one person I know I could call for anything...died 9 years ago.
I thought I was okay with what happened, and I'm starting to think I haven't even dealt with it yet.
all of my relationship trouble is because I'm looking for someone to make me feel like I'm worth it...
I need that approval...that validation...thats why I can't drum for dick head instructors....cause that negative reinforcement crushes me... I need approval....
this is why I can't talk to guys, because I'm not worth their time.
THIS is why I can't come out.
This is why I can't come out.
This is why I can't come out.
I also realized about a week ago that every time I've ever laughed while watching a movie with my dad, I have looked over to make sure he is laughing to.
I need the approval.
I need to know it is okay to laugh at that joke.
I need to know it is okay, and that I'm worth it.
so now that I have made those realizations, my next task is to change the behavior. I need to start believing in myself more. I need to work hard to be happy. I need to break away. I need to love myself, if I want to find love.
.:*EDIT*:.
I've come to believe that in every friendship, there is a dominant role(friend D) and a submissive role(friend S). The two fit as friends because friend s needs a leader, someone to validate them, someone to make them feel like they belong, while friend d needs a follower, someone to give them the type of validation that comes from, say, being the founder of an organization. "You wouldn't be doing any of this if it wasn't for me." Friend d's needs get fulfilled when friend S calls them, asking things like "what are you doing","wanna hang out?". With every phone call, friend S tells friend d that he or she is boss. Friend S gets fulfilled in the opposite way. By friend d inviting friend s to hang out, friend s feels wanted. Suddenly, friend s is part of the group. This way they are both fulfilled. If this were the case all the time however, the need each party inherently posesses would slowly dissipate as time goes on, making the friendship obsolete. This is where the sub-conscious personal struggle comes into play. Like friend s, friend d is a slave to his or her inner most self identity, and the self esteem that comes along with that identity. This gives friend d a need to feel like they are on top of the friendship because he or she secretly has a profound sense of inferiority. A fear, if you will, of being recognized for the self-conscious under-achiever his or her inner-self truly identifies with. In other words, Friend d is deathly afraid of people thinking he or she sucks. Friend s's problems are exactly the opposite. Friend s is also convinced that he or she is worthless, the difference is friend s is so far past the point of working to hide it, that he or she is now looking for someone to provide reassurance that, while the sense of worthlessness is justified, friend d (unlike anyone else in the world) is willing to look past it. This sudden glimmer of hope sparks a drug like dependence in friend s on friend d. If friend s calls friend d and he or she doesn't answer, friend s will wonder why and call back a number of times. "What are they doing" "Why aren't they calling me back?". If, however, friend d does answer, but declines the invitation, most often sighting previous a engagement(further fulfilling the demands of their role in the friendship), friend s takes this as a devastating blow. In the manic depressive, this can manifest as a sever mood drop, possibly even locking the sufferer in a catatonic state, as if frozen because all the validation they had received thus far from friend d had been ripped away, leaving friend s with nothing to protect him or her from the cold harsh reality of how everyone else sees them. The need is no longer fulfilled, and friend d has successfully cemented his or her role in friend s' life
From here it can go many ways
Friend d has made other plans, and the opportunity to turn an invitation from friend s down has served as a confidence boost. "I'm too busy to hang out with you, I've got SOO many things to do!"
If friend d continues to be busy, the need for friend s is no longer there
The friendship dissolves.
If friend d's social life starts to slow down a bit, his or her core need is renewed, and since they have nothing better to do, there is suddenly a convenient opening for friend s to slip into, renewing the friendship, and the sense of fulfillment for both party's.
If, however, friend s suddenly finds an outside source for the confidence he or she needs, the phone calls from s to d slowly dissipate, and since friend d's fear of losing their independent persona is key in the relationship, he or she goes as long as possible without calling friend s.
by the time friend d calls s, the friendship has dissolved or is so close to dissolving, that conversation is almost impossible and the relationship is incapable of surviving.
The thing that no one realizes is, the core problem both friend s and d face are pretty much the same, which most often is what drew them to each other, it's how they relate, but the roles become so key, that that original spark is often forgotten.
the thing we all REALLY don't realize is, we are all guilty of being friend d AND friend s.
We've all felt vulnerable.
We've all felt worthless.
We've all felt better then our friends.
We've all been afraid of facing ourselves.
We are all human
we all hurt
we all feel hurt
we all hurt others
we all hurt
I think the hardest thing to do in life is to recognize both friends, both identities in ones self, to overcome the needs of those identities, and then, through love and communication, help those around us to overcome the same hurtles.
I believe that love will present itself when I find a person who is in the same place as I am, both mentally and emotionally. A person who can support me, as I support them, to grow, to better themselves, as I better myself.
I think love is finding a person who is ready to grow, but it won't come until I am.
so I fucked it all up. I made a resolution to myself that I'd never smoke again and tonight, after one evening with my cousin, the first of its kind ever, I got high.
All I can think is there goes 3 months down the drain.
Now your starting from scratch.
I'm so mad at myself, and the thing is I feel exactly the way I felt last time I did it.
sad
alone
drowning
with no sign of land
when I was alone, when I started to freak out, there was not one person listed that I felt I could call. I realized I really have no friends left. All the friends I did have either stopped talking to me, or else I stopped talking to them.
there is not one person that I could call right now and be guaranteed an answer-or even a call back for that matter.
now, while I am sad about this, I wonder if that is a big reason why I have so many problems
I am way to dependent
wanna hear something weird?
when I got to my peak nervous point, I automatically went into my Ph.Bk. on my cell phone, and typed in my moms name...
I looked down and realized what I did, and it suddenly dawned on me that I'm depressed. i'm depressed because the only person that I ever really saw defend me....the only person to ever make me feel like I was worth a damn....the one person I know I could call for anything...died 9 years ago.
I thought I was okay with what happened, and I'm starting to think I haven't even dealt with it yet.
all of my relationship trouble is because I'm looking for someone to make me feel like I'm worth it...
I need that approval...that validation...thats why I can't drum for dick head instructors....cause that negative reinforcement crushes me... I need approval....
this is why I can't talk to guys, because I'm not worth their time.
THIS is why I can't come out.
This is why I can't come out.
This is why I can't come out.
I also realized about a week ago that every time I've ever laughed while watching a movie with my dad, I have looked over to make sure he is laughing to.
I need the approval.
I need to know it is okay to laugh at that joke.
I need to know it is okay, and that I'm worth it.
so now that I have made those realizations, my next task is to change the behavior. I need to start believing in myself more. I need to work hard to be happy. I need to break away. I need to love myself, if I want to find love.
.:*EDIT*:.
I've come to believe that in every friendship, there is a dominant role(friend D) and a submissive role(friend S). The two fit as friends because friend s needs a leader, someone to validate them, someone to make them feel like they belong, while friend d needs a follower, someone to give them the type of validation that comes from, say, being the founder of an organization. "You wouldn't be doing any of this if it wasn't for me." Friend d's needs get fulfilled when friend S calls them, asking things like "what are you doing","wanna hang out?". With every phone call, friend S tells friend d that he or she is boss. Friend S gets fulfilled in the opposite way. By friend d inviting friend s to hang out, friend s feels wanted. Suddenly, friend s is part of the group. This way they are both fulfilled. If this were the case all the time however, the need each party inherently posesses would slowly dissipate as time goes on, making the friendship obsolete. This is where the sub-conscious personal struggle comes into play. Like friend s, friend d is a slave to his or her inner most self identity, and the self esteem that comes along with that identity. This gives friend d a need to feel like they are on top of the friendship because he or she secretly has a profound sense of inferiority. A fear, if you will, of being recognized for the self-conscious under-achiever his or her inner-self truly identifies with. In other words, Friend d is deathly afraid of people thinking he or she sucks. Friend s's problems are exactly the opposite. Friend s is also convinced that he or she is worthless, the difference is friend s is so far past the point of working to hide it, that he or she is now looking for someone to provide reassurance that, while the sense of worthlessness is justified, friend d (unlike anyone else in the world) is willing to look past it. This sudden glimmer of hope sparks a drug like dependence in friend s on friend d. If friend s calls friend d and he or she doesn't answer, friend s will wonder why and call back a number of times. "What are they doing" "Why aren't they calling me back?". If, however, friend d does answer, but declines the invitation, most often sighting previous a engagement(further fulfilling the demands of their role in the friendship), friend s takes this as a devastating blow. In the manic depressive, this can manifest as a sever mood drop, possibly even locking the sufferer in a catatonic state, as if frozen because all the validation they had received thus far from friend d had been ripped away, leaving friend s with nothing to protect him or her from the cold harsh reality of how everyone else sees them. The need is no longer fulfilled, and friend d has successfully cemented his or her role in friend s' life
From here it can go many ways
Friend d has made other plans, and the opportunity to turn an invitation from friend s down has served as a confidence boost. "I'm too busy to hang out with you, I've got SOO many things to do!"
If friend d continues to be busy, the need for friend s is no longer there
The friendship dissolves.
If friend d's social life starts to slow down a bit, his or her core need is renewed, and since they have nothing better to do, there is suddenly a convenient opening for friend s to slip into, renewing the friendship, and the sense of fulfillment for both party's.
If, however, friend s suddenly finds an outside source for the confidence he or she needs, the phone calls from s to d slowly dissipate, and since friend d's fear of losing their independent persona is key in the relationship, he or she goes as long as possible without calling friend s.
by the time friend d calls s, the friendship has dissolved or is so close to dissolving, that conversation is almost impossible and the relationship is incapable of surviving.
The thing that no one realizes is, the core problem both friend s and d face are pretty much the same, which most often is what drew them to each other, it's how they relate, but the roles become so key, that that original spark is often forgotten.
the thing we all REALLY don't realize is, we are all guilty of being friend d AND friend s.
We've all felt vulnerable.
We've all felt worthless.
We've all felt better then our friends.
We've all been afraid of facing ourselves.
We are all human
we all hurt
we all feel hurt
we all hurt others
we all hurt
I think the hardest thing to do in life is to recognize both friends, both identities in ones self, to overcome the needs of those identities, and then, through love and communication, help those around us to overcome the same hurtles.
I believe that love will present itself when I find a person who is in the same place as I am, both mentally and emotionally. A person who can support me, as I support them, to grow, to better themselves, as I better myself.
I think love is finding a person who is ready to grow, but it won't come until I am.