[Fandom: Toko Hotel] Sleeping with ghosts [PG15]
Title: Sleeping with ghosts
Pairing: None
Rating: PG15
Beta: di_glossia(thank you!)
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort
Warnings: Death
Disclamer: Tokio Hotel aren't mine.
Summary:
"Tom. Where is Tom?!"
His mother looked at him, perplexed and worried.
"Sweetheart, who is Tom?"
Sleeping with ghosts
Chapter 3
-Goodbye-
****
Running fast. And even more.
Even more.
The trill of a laugh. And running faster.
Tom…
The light.
Screaming.
“BILL!”
****
He moved slowly in the bed. The warmth underneath the covers was enough to make him comfortable. But there was something more annoying and heavier that never abandoned him. And the warmth that he felt wasn’t enough to begin to compensate it.
He opened his eyes.
His mother was sitting near him and watching him, she almost seemed to want to read his most distant thoughts.
Her eyes were red and there were shadows underneath them, and she was clearly tired. As though she hadn’t slept for a long time.
It was strange. Sleeping was the only thing that in that moment had a meaning for him.
He looked his mother in the eyes. And again he asked himself where he was…
“Sweetheart…”
His mother’s warm voice broke the embarrassing silence.
“…how are you?”
He closed his eyes instinctively. He could still feel Tom’s presence by his side. Tom was still there. And if he only kept his eyes closed and he concentrated a bit, he could feel him.
He returned to look at his mother. “I’m fine.”
Bad liar…
“… nothing has changed?”
He formed the sentence before realizing it. It slipped out like that. Almost without thought.
His mother looked at him, waiting for him to continue.
He sighed. “… you don't know where Tom is…”
It was an affirmation. There wasn’t a possibility to change the interpretation.
It was like that.
And it didn't change.
“I… I don't know who Tom is…”
He felt the burn of tears sting his eyes. He didn't want to cry. He really didn't want to cry.
But, God, it was so difficult…
“How did you forget about him?” he murmured.
He felt his cheeks become wet. In the end they had won. In the end the others had always won.
It was a different cry from the first one. It was calm. Quiet.
Resigned.
Because things didn’t change. He could scream, shout, threaten everybody… but nothing would change.
His mother shook her head. “I don’t know… is he one of your friends? We can call him, we can see if… I don’t kno-”
“No!” he interrupted her. The tears slid too fast to stop them. And so he didn’t try to. “Tom is my brother…”
His mother shut the eyes. She brought a hand to her mouth and she tried to hold back the tears. But she didn't succeed. “You don't have any brothers…”
He found it difficult to understand her words. He found it difficult because he didn't want to hear her.
The words hurt.
They hurt.
But it was another thing that he couldn’t change.
Things were like this.
You could cry.
But nothing would change.
****
Running out of the school. Laughing. And running faster towards dad.
Smiling at him. Smiling.
Running to hug him. Hugging him strongly, like every day.
But not today.
Slowing down a bit and looking at themselves. And seeing in Tom’s eyes the same worried expression.
And being afraid. Because dad seems so sad. And he doesn't understand why.
His smile goes away. And Tom’s does, too.
And he’s also afraid, while they are running in front of their father.
He’s also afraid while they are greeting him.
He’s also afraid while they are in the car.
And without a word, Tom sits down in the passenger’s seat.
Because Tom always sits here, when he is with dad and dad takes them after school.
And he leaves that seat, because he knows how much Tom wants to be here.
“How was school?”
His voice is so strange. He doesn’t understand why, but he knows that it isn’t dad’s usual voice.
It has nothing in common with the voice that his father uses when he says good night.
It has nothing in common with the voice that he uses to scold him and his brother.
This voice is different. It’s sad.
And he wants to ask. He wants to ask him if he’s really sad. Maybe it’s only a wrong impression.
But he doesn’t say it.
He’s afraid of the answer.
*
“Bill…”
Tom’s voice is strange. It sounds like it’s trembling.
He puts the backpack to the floor and he looks at his brother.
Eye to eye.
Frightened eyes.
Eyes that they know and they wouldn’t want to know.
Eyes that refuse to believe. Because the awful things don't happen. The awful things happen only in the movies.
Not to them. Not to the two of them.
The awful things are always far away.
Not to them.
“What do you think?”
He shakes his head. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t want to think at all.
But dad was strange. And he was sad.
And also mum was strange. And also mum was sad.
And Tom has this different voice.
And he… he doesn’t know what to think.
He’s afraid.
He doesn’t want. He knows what will happen. And also Tom knows it.
But he doesn’t want to know.
He doesn’t want.
He’s scared.
*
Goodbye, daddy.
“Guys… I love you…”
A look. Eye to eye. Tom is sad. He is sad.
"We love you too…"
"I will love you forever, this won't ever change… you know it, yes? "
Nodding. And wanting to shout.
No. He doesn’t know. And Tom is not sure, either.
He doesn’t know if in the future dad will always be there.
Because if they never see him again, then dad will forget about them.
And they? They’ll forget about him?
“Come here…”
Hugging hard. And crying inside. But seeming strong. Because dad is sad. And they love him.
Hugging hard.
If two people move away, will they stop loving each other?
*
"Bill…"
He moves in the bed. And he sees him. At the door, waiting.
And he already knows.
"Come…"
And moving a bit, because the bed is small, and Tom needs some space.
Tom needs an embrace.
And to cry.
Because dad is not with them anymore.
Dad won't be there anymore.
Nothing will be like before.
And Tom cries. And he feels it when the tears slip down onto the pillow.
And he doesn't know what to do.
He would cry too, but he doesn't.
Because that is Tom’s moment.
That is the moment in which he has to be the strong brother.
Because he knows that Tom is as attached to dad, as he is to their mother.
And so he remains there, immobile, and he waits for the crying to turn into sleep.
Only then he can fall asleep, too.
Only then.
*
"I don't want the things change"
"Things always change, do you want a boring life?"
Huffing.
"I don't want… things to change for the worse!"
Reflecting.
"Well, you have to see it half full, things will never change… we will remain together! The rest of the world can fuck off!"