[oneshot] How To Kidnap a JE Boy
Title: How to Kidnap a JE Boy
Author: talisa_ahn
Pairing: Sorta Ryoda
Disclaimer: There really would be no point in suing me. I have nothing to do with JE. I’m just a fan.
Genre: Humor, Crack
Rating: PG
Summary: Ryo, Yamapi, and Koyama have a conversation about how different types of JE Boys could get kidnapped. Mostly NewS, small mention of Kisumai2 and a few other Juniors.
A/N: Belated birthday present for quinnsan. Thanks for always reading and sorry this is late!
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As Ryo, Yamapi, and Koyama sat, they watched the various Juniors preparing for that day’s filming of Shounen Club. Koyama, being Koyama, rambled on about absolutely nothing at all, but as he mentioned how he got separated from Tegoshi the previous day, Ryo’s ears perked up.
“I thought someone had kidnapped him!” he exclaimed, horrified at the thought.
“Why would you think that?” Yamapi wondered. “How would someone kidnap him anyway? Tegoshi’s an adult.”
Ryo looked at him with an expression that blatantly said, ‘You’re dumb.’ “I should think that kidnapping anyone from Johnny’s would be pretty damn easy.
Type #1: The Vain
“Okay. Take Tegoshi for an example. With how vain that boy is, all you need is a mirror. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, then, all that person carrying the mirror has to do is walk. Walk, walk, walk, GONE. Narcissism at its best.”
Koyama laughed at the absurdity of Ryo’s reasoning while Yamapi pursed his lips and blinked, not convinced at all.
Type #2: The Chatty
“Mm…” Yamapi murmured. “Any JE boy?”
Relaxing, Ryo raised his hands to rest behind his head, propping his feet up on the chair in front of him. “Any JE boy.”
“Then what about Koyama?”
At first, the oldest boy shot a glance at their leader, but turned to look at Ryo expectantly.
The Osaka man laughed. “Easy. You just need to walk up to him and talk. Get him interested. It doesn’t even matter what language, really. Talk, talk, talk. GONE.”
He paused. “Actually. That one goes for Kawai-kun and Yara-kun too.”
As Yamapi started to nod in understanding, Koyama just laughed nervously.
Type #3: The Naïve
It was at that moment that Kisumai2 started a short run through on stage. The three members of NewS watched them silently for a few seconds before Yamapi spoke up again. “What about Senga-chan?”
“Hmm… with Senga? I don’t think you’d be able to get just Senga.”
“… What do you mean?”
“Well, to get Senga, you just have to talk really fast and to be really excited. He’s innocent enough to just follow you. Problem is everyone knows it. Senga starts wandering off, the other members would ask where he’s going, and go too.”
Ryo turned to watch Kisumai’s run through. “I guess you could say that if you want more than one JE boy at a time, you should go for Senga. Get Senga and you’d get Nikaido or Kitayama. Get Chinen and you’ve got at least Takaki and Inoo.”
TYPE #4: The Piggy’s
“Ooo!” Koyama sat up, getting excited with interest. “What about Massu?”
Ryo didn’t even have to answer because Yamapi knew. “Food. Get some strawberry shortcake, leave a trail and Bu-chan will eat it. Bite, bite, bite, GONE.”
Koyama’s mouth formed the shape of an ‘o’, while Ryo patted Yamapi on the shoulder in approval.
TYPE #5: The Princess
“NewS,” the stage manager announced. “Please get ready.”
The three of them stood up. “Okay,” Ryo said as they made their way towards the stage. “One last one.”
Yamapi and Koyama looked at each other. The older boy grinned, looking past the Kansai-an. “Okay. How about Ueda-kun?”
Ryo smirked. “Too easy. You just need a sexy Osaka man to walk past, and the princess will follow.”
“Is that so?” a voice dripping with acid said from behind him.
He spun around to see his boyfriend standing with his arms crossed across his chest, looking thoroughly pissed.
“Ueda-kun!” Yamapi said, excitedly. “Ryo just telling us how easy it would be to kidnap any Johnny’s boy.”
His head snapped around to look at him. “You think I’m easy, do you?”
The older boy glared at his boyfriend, while Ryo made a mental note to kill Pi if his princess didn’t kill him first. ‘First Pi, then Koyama,’ he decided when Koyama stopped trying to hold his glee in. He turned to look at Ueda. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were going to hang out with Taguchi today.”
“I am. You forgot your wallet at my apartment this morning, so I thought I’d drop it off on my way to meet up with Junno,” he said, pulling a black wallet from his pocket. “But now I think I’m going to keep it.” Clenching it in his fist, Ueda turned on his heel and started to head towards the side door.
With one last glare towards his band mates, Ryo rushed to catch up to his angry boyfriend.
Having been left behind, Yamapi paused a little before turning to Koyama. “So where had Tegoshi gone?”
“Bathroom,” he answered. “He just left the store without saying anything to me! He does that a lot, ne?”
OWARI
A/N: Quinnsan~! Happy Belated Birthday! I'm so sorry this is so late! This week was just crazy. XP
Okay. So this fic was brought on by a conversation I once had with two of my roommates. We were watching the NewS + KAT-TUN Summary concert and there's this part midway-ish when they go out into the crowd. Sarah said that it would be so easy to just pick one of them and snatch them. Then she said something along the lines of it not being a one person job, which meant that the three of us would have to decide on one person. They told me they wouldn't help me with Koyama nor Kitayama. LinnJay said she wouldn't help Sarah with Massu, but Sarah and I would much rather get Massu than Pi. The conclusion? We decided that we would all gladly compromise if we were getting Kusano. *sigh* we're retards, what can I say?