Chapter 18
Ennis wasn’t sure if it was day or night, although after a moment he remembered where he was, when he opened his eyes and saw Jack sitting on the side of the bed. The memory of his wedding night flashed through his brain in an instant; but his surroundings, unfamiliar as they were, were in sharp focus and he could still hear the wind, plus a few other less familiar sounds, outside.
"I can’t get up, Jack," he groaned.
"You don’t hafta get up right now. You’ve had a long trip, lasted years, an’ it’s taken everything outa you so just rest up. Godalmighty, cowboy, you’re harder on yourself than anybody I ever knew."
Jack cupped his right hand on the side of Ennis’ face, a tender gesture long familiar. Like always in the past year, except during their wedding night, he felt a sensation a little like compressed air out of a hand-shaped mold. "This is new," he murmured. "Am I awake?" He hadn’t been able to see Jack when awake, only hear him whisper and feel light touches; Jack must have a reason for making what Ennis sensed was a great effort.
Jack smiled. "About half. One a your friends came in here just now, gave me quite a turn - she looked right at me."
"Who came in an saw you?" Ennis forced his eyes to focus.
"You’ll find out soon enough, don’t worry about it. But you shouldn’t be surprised ta see me here, I don’t live in Texas no more, ya know. Ennis. . . . . Do you love me?"
"I love you, Jack." After all the years of struggle, and a great effort even on their wedding night, it slid out of him now as easily as a single exhaled breath.
"An I loved you the minute I saw you in that parking lot, waiting for Aguirre to show up. But I didn’t know for awhile, took me a little time to remember. . . Ennis, from here out it’s gonna seem ta you like I’m not around anymore. We won’t be seein each other when you’re asleep like we’ve been."
That shocked Ennis fully awake for a moment. He was suddenly back in the church in Riverton, Junior’s and Curt’s voices far in the background as he held Jack’s invisible hand and heard ‘I, Jack, take you, Ennis…’ "You’re leavin me, Jack?"
"No bud, remember what I told ya - you and me’s forever. An I didn’t stick around just ta visit with ya for a year. I stayed because we both screwed up and I wanted ta help you go ahead an do what we’d planned. An now you’ve gotta start on doing that - build yourself a life where you’re happy, where you c’n be yourself, live with somebody you can love and take care of. An’ there’s no way you can do that with me directin’ you."
Though he knew what Jack meant, everything in him rose up in revolt at losing their year-long connection, the regular reminders that Jack was not gone forever. "Jack -- I never wanted nobody but you."
Jack leaned back a little and tilted his head, looking down at him quizzically. "You loved me for 20 years, so now you don’t wanna love no more? Doesn’t sound like I was very good for ya."
Ennis thought about the endless winters when it seemed that the only warmth and light in his world came from anticipating their next meeting, then his constant anxiety the rest of the year that Jack would show up unexpectedly the way he had right after the divorce. "You were the only thing good for me," he said finally. "Don’t know how good I was for you. ‘Cept when we was together, it just hurt."
"We could’ve - we should’ve done a lotta things different but the pain woulda come at us some other way," Jack answered. "Ya just can’t keep that away without turning yourself into one a’ them mummies you hear about. It’s a mystery, and bein’ dead don’t mean I’ve figured all that out. Ennis, do you love me?"
"Yes Jack, I love ya."
"And all those years we were hangin on by our fingernails with those meetings once, twice a year - did ya love me only when we saw each other? Or all year?"
This seemed more than a little like a silly question, but Ennis answered "all year, a course."
Jack nodded. "So did I. An that long drive I always took, over a thousand miles one way year in an year out, there was some awful boring stretches every time but I was thinkin of you while I drove em. I ain’t surprised you’re tired - you got torn up by the roots and had some hard chores ta get through before. I watched all of it. . . .Ennis, do you love me?"
Ennis was awake enough now to feel a little annoyed. "Jack, why do you keep asking me that? You know I love you."
Jack’s right hand traced lightly across his forehead. "I do know. We didn’t go through with what we planned ta do, but we kept an remembered that much. We kept it alive for each other for 20 years, even though all we had was just those bits ‘n pieces of time together, even with all the loneliness an’ after it turned bitter." He took Ennis’ right hand between both of his. "You remember how we got back together? Those four years after Brokeback?"
"You sent that postcard." Ennis was slipping back into sleep, and into the now-familiar bluish void where Jack usually met him.
"But you returned a card saying ‘you bet.’ And when I showed up, you ran out of that apartment, down the stairs ta meet me. An’ now you’ve come all the way here, and you’ll hafta keep movin and reachin, it ain’t gonna just be handed to ya. But don’t go thinkin I’ve gone anywhere. If you don’t hear from me that don’t mean I ain’t around, and I’ll be there when you really need me."
Ennis looked up into the blue eyes, more intense and luminous, though also more translucent, than they had been in life and for the first time he saw a few tears in them. His hands reached up and tried to embrace Jack but what he touched was not dense enough for an embrace. "You ain’t tellin me ta forget about you then, Jack?"
Jack laughed then, leaned over and kissed him one more time. "No way that’s gonna happen, cowboy. If you could’ve, you woulda done that 20 years ago."