Primeval Fanfic: Freaky Friday
Title: Freaky Friday
Author: TalliW
Pairings: Ditzy, Stephen/Ryan, Lester/Lyle, Cutter/Blade, Connor/Abby, Jenny
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Primeval is the property of Impossible Pictures. I write just for fun.
Lyle, Ditzy and Blade belong to Fredbassett.
Acknowledgments: Thanks to Fredbassett for beta-reading. I couldn't have done it without you.
On a Friday afternoon, the ARC's current medic, Lieutenant Owen, usually called Ditzy, finally snapped. Like a fury he came down on them and left behind a group of people covered in red.
Ditzy's lips twisted into a satisfied grin as he put the gun down. This time he had taught them a thorough lesson.
Ditzy knew it was a dangerous job. He was used to treating all sorts of injuries caused by chasing dinosaurs and being attacked by strange creatures.
He could also understand that people tended to forget his instructions in the heat of the moment. What ticked him off was that they valued their own health and his attempts to keep them safe and sound so little they were never properly prepared for the task. You might think after two years they would know better. But of course they were still as careless as ever.
Ryan limping in that Friday afternoon, barely be able to walk, had been the final straw which broke the camel's back. It brought up all the bad memories of the day the captain had nearly died in the Permian, badly hurt by a future predator and only saved by a desperate Cutter, who had dragged his best friend's lover back through the anomaly with his last energy.
On Monday, it had been Stephen who needed treatment, followed by Lyle on Tuesday and Cutter on Wednesday. And on Thursday, Abby had slipped silently into the infirmary.
Suddenly it had been too much. Ditzy had seen red and grabbed a gun, of course only after he had patched Ryan up. He took his professional duties serious after all.
Within minutes he had them all herded into the atrium and then all hell broke lose.
Ditzy recalled fondly the precious moments they had stared in shock at him when he'd started with his lecture.
His eyes had lingered on Stephen and Ryan as he yelled, "For fuck's sake! Gun oil doesn't make for a good lubricant. Some of its ingredients irritate the tender intestinal mucosa. If you are so fond of the oily consistency then at least use a high-quality vegetable oil. But I recommend the various sorts of lube the sex industry provides which are actually made for this sort of activity."
His gaze had then shifted to Blade and Cutter. "Using a blade on your partner to gather blood for lubrication isn't just foolish, it's quite insane. Everyone who does this or lets it happen should get his head checked.
And whilst saliva can ease the penetration if applied abundantly it is inadvisable to use it if you have eaten something spicy shortly before. Neither the anus nor the vagina takes well to chilli pepper." At this Connor had flushed bright-red and Abby had tried to hide behind her boyfriend.
"Of course using no form of lubrication at all is even more insane. Although some people are happy with the addition of pain," he had pointedly looked at Lester and Lyle, "it can cause fissures which could cicatrize and affect the sphincter muscle function. Unless you want to get stool incontinence in future you should stop this practice.
I can assure you adding more injuries to your already stressed bodies is really not beneficial for a healthy sex life.
And I hope you all will learn to suppress your urges at least until you have reached an adequate environment. The next person who comes to me with carpet burns, office equipment sticking out of tender body parts or bruises in the shape of handles will get a kick up the arse."
Before Ditzy left the mortified group of people behind he'd said nonchalantly, once again in his normal volume, "By the way, I've arranged to add a tube of lube and a self-inflating airbed to the emergency kit every team member and soldier gets for a field mission. I hope that will reduce the injury rate by about eighty percent."
The injury rate had actually dropped about ninety eight percent afterwards and Ditzy finally got enough time to play doctors with Jenny in his treatment room and naked tag on the roof.