More depressing crap about sister
(valerie_z) wrote,
2007-10-23 21:22:00
Also, I looked into it, and I'm at a medium-low level of Lithium right now, and I think I need to be at a medium-high level. I gave my psychiatrist this big lecture about how no one appreciates how crazy I am. People always think I'm less crazy than I am, which is why I wasn't diagnosed until I was 28, despite seeing psychologists since I was TEN and having my first bipolar mixed state episode at SIX.
My therapist likes to point out that ultimately, Lithium is bad for you. However, I've felt like a real person who has control over herself and is not suicidal on a regular basis for SIX MONTHS out of the past THIRTY YEARS, and the reason is because I've been on a substantial dose of Lithium. If the trade-off is death, I'll take it.
Then vamphile (epically tired replied):
bottom line, take the lithium you need. a short happy life is better than a long miserable one.
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Both these people are dead and here I am reading these words. It almost makes me feel better. Like she knew the risk she was taking by taking that medicine and she made the conscious decision to risk death to feel better with it. I know she never thought she'd die at 35, but I feel like she knew it was a possibility. And she felt so bad inside she took it as a risk and lost. When Val died, vamphile told me she lived the best life she could for as long as she could with what she struggled with. It's still not fair. I want her back, even on her worst day, I would take her back a million times over.
Thinking about her, wanting to talk to her, remembering something, and then finding the empty space where she used to exist just wrecks me still.
Something with my father upset me yesterday and stirred a lot of feelings I had been keeping still. I haven't cried in months and now I am. My throat hurts, too tense to even swallow the knot.
I have been taking half my pill of Lexapro for months. I tried to stop it completely but got too dizzy. So I started taking it again. Someone told me to try my half every other day for a while to keep doing it more gradually. But after doing that for about a week, I found myself standing in the grocery store, limbs too heavy to move, staring off into space, feeling like nothing mattered and I couldn't get through the shopping trip and moreover, I didn't really care if I did or not. I wasn't getting past that moment. I realized that was the feeling of depression I had before I started taking the Lexapro. Can I take five milligrams of Lexapro for the rest of my life? Because I don't think I can function without it. I don't mind, because I know I can't live the life I did before she died. But I was functioning, and laughing, and had my personality back. Sitting here crying this hard at my computer and having suicidal thoughts in a grocery store- that I cannot do.
Reading these journal entries are so painful sometimes, but it's like talking to her. I fear the day I'll know these words so well that I won't have new ones to read.