Stalking 101
Now, you see, I sometimes have very bad attacks of what-the-hells. Especially if I've been writing serious fics. Sooner or later, some neurones misfire and all kinds of weirdness breaks free. Only not this time. This time I read a posting about an IM conversation between Certain People. I shan't reveal their names unless they recognise themselves and don't mind being outed, in which case I shall update this with a proper link. Nonetheless, the following is - in a seriously convuluted way - their fault. I am, as always, a bastion of innocence.
Title: Stalking 101
Characters: Everyone, but especially Ianto, Tosh and Jack.
Rating: PG for innuendo.
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to the BBC and to RTD.
Summary: Not possible, but hopefully it's funny!
"Good morning, sir."
Jack Harkness froze in his tracks and gave Ianto a look of deep trepidation. "What have you done?" he demanded.
"Sir?"
If anything, Ianto proceeded to look even more angelic. Jack could practically see the halo shimmering into being above his head. His feelings of dark and terrible anticipation grew.
"You've wired up the lift to electrocute me again, haven't you?"
Ianto looked exasperated. "How many times have I told you, sir; that was a complete accident. Anyway, you said you wondered what you'd look like with a perm, so I would have thought you would have looked on it as a happy coincidence."
"Coincidences don't happen while you're around, Ianto. They don't get a look-in what with all the murder attempts."
"I haven't made any attempts to murder you for some time, Captain. It's difficult to fit them in around the lunatic, er, heroic ways you sacrifice your life to save the rest of the Team."
"It's what every good leader would do for their people," Jack said with dignity.
"Oh indeed, sir," Ianto agreed. "Of course most leaders only ever do it the once, rather than three times a week with alternating Saturdays, but that's just us being lucky, I suppose. Now if you'll just move on down to the Hub I can open up the Tourist Centre and interact with some sane, um, ordinary people."
Despite his suspicions, Jack made it down to the Hub, although he took the stairs and watched out for tripwires on the way down. The others were all there, for a change, and there was the delicious smell of fresh coffee in the air. Jack bounded over and poured himself a mug, then peered suspiciously at the innocent-seeming liquid. He'd always assumed that Ianto would never stoop to sullying his perfect coffee with retcon, but that had been before he had woken up to find himself as the main attraction at a burlesque club in Blackpool. He'd been very annoyed with Ianto when he had got back.
"I mean, come on, Ianto: Blackpool? You know I've got the legs to carry it off on the London stage!"
Mind you, he'd been even more annoyed to discover that the rest of the team had been happy to believe Ianto when he'd told them that Jack had decided to go off to Tibet to Find Himself.
"Well you're always going on about needing to find the right person to answer your questions," Gwen had pointed out reasonably.
Now he gazed down at the coffee and remembered that expression of ill-contained glee on Ianto's face. "Anyone drunk the coffee yet?" he asked out loud.
"I have," a hungover Owen said, waving a mug. "Why?"
"Okay, anyone who I'd notice a difference if they were being retconned drink the coffee yet?" Jack clarified.
Tosh gave a small giggle. "I have, Jack."
Jack eyed her narrowly for a moment but she didn't seem to be behaving weirdly so he took a cautious sip. The moment the dark nectar was in his mouth, he forgot all about caution and drank it down happily. The fact that coffee was considered a Grade A drug in the 51st century was one of the main reasons he had joined the Time Agency and he figured that since he had been drinking it ever since they had known him, none of the Team would cotton on to the fact that he was perpetually high as a kite on the stuff and had no intention of giving it up.
"So what's on the agenda today?" he asked chirpily once the first effects of the coffee started to make themselves felt.
"Nothing," Gwen said regretfully.
"What?"
"Nothing's bleeding happening," Owen said morosely. "Cardiff's as dead as teaboy's love life."
Jack choked on his coffee, recalling last night's interesting little interlude with Ianto, some honey and a feather duster. "That bad?" he wheezed, trying to blink the tears out of his eyes. Bit like last night, really. "Which reminds me: anyone know why Ianto's looking cheerful?"
He suddenly had the undivided attention of all three of them. "Cheerful?" Gwen asked cautiously.
"As in happy?" Tosh continued.
Jack nodded.
"Oh Christ," Owen sighed. "What have you done this time?"
"Why does it have to my fault?" Jack pouted.
"Because it always is," Tosh pointed out, with what Jack felt was an unnecessary amount of logic.
"Well I haven't done anything this time," he said sulkily. "Not that I ever do anything," he added hastily, "but I definitely especially have not done anything this time."
The others looked dubious but let it pass. Feeling extremely unloved, Jack withdrew to his office, lifting his spirits by having a quick chat with the Doctor's hand. He felt much better when the Hand waggled back in a cheerful kind of way. At least the Hand loved him. Well, liked him. Well, waggled at him.
A few minutes passed and then Tosh quietly made her way up to the Tourist Office. Ianto was cheerfully assuring some Americans that there was a lake monster not too far away that had Nessie beat every which way, so she kept out of sight until they had left.
"That was mean," she commented once she had come in and accepted one of the jelly babies Ianto offered her.
"Why?" Ianto looked mildly offended. "There is a lake monster. They'll have the thrill of their lives seeing it until it eats them."
"That's what I mean," Tosh said patiently. "You know Americans disagree with Llinos. Something in their diet always gives her indigestion. Must be all the burgers."
"Well I thought of that," Ianto said with an air of triumph, "and asked them, casual like, and they're into health food, so Llinos will get a nice healthy snack."
"I can't help but think that you're in the wrong business, Ianto."
Ianto drew himself up to his full height. "My tourists are never bored. Terrified, molested and eaten, yes, but never ever bored!"
Tosh sighed and shook her head but said nothing, snaffling one of the black jelly babies instead and smiling when Ianto glared and very ostentatiously shifted the plate out of her reach. "Jack's twitching."
"Makes a change from the drooling, then."
"You shouldn't wear the suits if you want him to stop drooling."
"Might I remind you what happened when I wore casual clothes? One word: cannibals."
"It was only the one time, Ianto. I don't think it's built into the fabric of the universe that something awful will happen if you wear casual clothes."
"I'm not risking it," Ianto said firmly. "One close encounter with a meat cleaver was quite enough for me."
"You have a point," Tosh admitted. "So why are you in such a good mood and is it safe for any of us to be near Jack for the foreseeable future?"
Ianto suddenly grinned. "Depends on your definition of safe," he said mysteriously.
"Ianto..." Tosh said warningly.
The young Welshman looked mischievous. "Can you keep a secret?"
Tosh looked offended. "Jack still doesn't realise that I know he's immortal. Neither does he realise that I was a Time Agent sent back to apprehend him until you nicked my time module and stranded me. And he most definitely hasn't found out from me that we accidentally broke the containment jar with the hand in and Myfanwy ate it so the Mr Hand he's always talking to is actually from some corpse we chose at random from the Mortuary. I think I can safely say that you're the only one more secretive than me in this place. Why?"
"Come see," Ianto whispered, pulling her into his side office and quickly typing an address into his computer.
"Hotty Harkness?" Tosh read off the screen, her eyes widening at the image of Jack standing on top of some building that took up most of the screen. "A homage to the incredible Captain Jack Harkness, the hottest mystery in Cardiff?" she continued to read in increasingly incredulous tones. "What the hell have you done, Ianto?"
"Me?" Ianto looked offended. "I didn't do this."
"You didn't? Then who did?"
"Two girls. As far as I can determine they crossed paths with the Captain during a routine Weevil problem." Ianto paused. "The Captain then took them to a bar in order to retcon them, with the usual results."
"Oh dear," Tosh said. Jack had an unshakeable faith in his ability to retcon people. Ianto usually had to move quickly to get to the people he had retconned before they recovered their memories and sold their stories to the South Wales Echo. "You missed them?"
"Oh no, I caught up with them about a week after the event. By that time they had set up the webpage and had found a few other people who had crossed the Captain's path."
Tosh gazed at Ianto suspiciously. "Ianto, did you talk to them?"
"Me?" The halo was back again. "Now, Tosh, would I do a thing like that? Why next thing you'll be accusing me of passing on images for them to use and tipping them off to where the Captain might be at any given day."
Tosh had been clicking on a few links and felt her jaw connect to the floor as she saw some of the images that were available on the page. She didn't even want to think where the one where Jack was stark naked apart from a dog collar and a leopard-skin posing pouch came from.
"That's not one of mine," Ianto sniffed as he looked over her shoulder. "I mean, leopard-skin?"
Tosh had been reading some of the comments that had been posted and her eyes were huge as she stared at him in stunned respect. "You're training them up as stalkers?"
Ianto grinned happily. "Seventy two members. All of them mad as hatters and overflowing with hormones." A slightly feral light entered his eyes. "They're going to have a convention in Cardiff in two months time and something tells me that we'll have to attend the venue to catch a Weevil or two."
"Ianto, that's.... evil," Tosh said weakly.
Ianto grinned at her happily. "Oh, yes."
Laughing to herself, Tosh went to go back to her station. After a moment, she reappeared. "Um, Ianto, how do you join?"
Ianto laughed. "I'll send you the link," he said with a wink.
OOOO
Title: Stalking 101
Characters: Everyone, but especially Ianto, Tosh and Jack.
Rating: PG for innuendo.
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to the BBC and to RTD.
Summary: Not possible, but hopefully it's funny!
"Good morning, sir."
Jack Harkness froze in his tracks and gave Ianto a look of deep trepidation. "What have you done?" he demanded.
"Sir?"
If anything, Ianto proceeded to look even more angelic. Jack could practically see the halo shimmering into being above his head. His feelings of dark and terrible anticipation grew.
"You've wired up the lift to electrocute me again, haven't you?"
Ianto looked exasperated. "How many times have I told you, sir; that was a complete accident. Anyway, you said you wondered what you'd look like with a perm, so I would have thought you would have looked on it as a happy coincidence."
"Coincidences don't happen while you're around, Ianto. They don't get a look-in what with all the murder attempts."
"I haven't made any attempts to murder you for some time, Captain. It's difficult to fit them in around the lunatic, er, heroic ways you sacrifice your life to save the rest of the Team."
"It's what every good leader would do for their people," Jack said with dignity.
"Oh indeed, sir," Ianto agreed. "Of course most leaders only ever do it the once, rather than three times a week with alternating Saturdays, but that's just us being lucky, I suppose. Now if you'll just move on down to the Hub I can open up the Tourist Centre and interact with some sane, um, ordinary people."
Despite his suspicions, Jack made it down to the Hub, although he took the stairs and watched out for tripwires on the way down. The others were all there, for a change, and there was the delicious smell of fresh coffee in the air. Jack bounded over and poured himself a mug, then peered suspiciously at the innocent-seeming liquid. He'd always assumed that Ianto would never stoop to sullying his perfect coffee with retcon, but that had been before he had woken up to find himself as the main attraction at a burlesque club in Blackpool. He'd been very annoyed with Ianto when he had got back.
"I mean, come on, Ianto: Blackpool? You know I've got the legs to carry it off on the London stage!"
Mind you, he'd been even more annoyed to discover that the rest of the team had been happy to believe Ianto when he'd told them that Jack had decided to go off to Tibet to Find Himself.
"Well you're always going on about needing to find the right person to answer your questions," Gwen had pointed out reasonably.
Now he gazed down at the coffee and remembered that expression of ill-contained glee on Ianto's face. "Anyone drunk the coffee yet?" he asked out loud.
"I have," a hungover Owen said, waving a mug. "Why?"
"Okay, anyone who I'd notice a difference if they were being retconned drink the coffee yet?" Jack clarified.
Tosh gave a small giggle. "I have, Jack."
Jack eyed her narrowly for a moment but she didn't seem to be behaving weirdly so he took a cautious sip. The moment the dark nectar was in his mouth, he forgot all about caution and drank it down happily. The fact that coffee was considered a Grade A drug in the 51st century was one of the main reasons he had joined the Time Agency and he figured that since he had been drinking it ever since they had known him, none of the Team would cotton on to the fact that he was perpetually high as a kite on the stuff and had no intention of giving it up.
"So what's on the agenda today?" he asked chirpily once the first effects of the coffee started to make themselves felt.
"Nothing," Gwen said regretfully.
"What?"
"Nothing's bleeding happening," Owen said morosely. "Cardiff's as dead as teaboy's love life."
Jack choked on his coffee, recalling last night's interesting little interlude with Ianto, some honey and a feather duster. "That bad?" he wheezed, trying to blink the tears out of his eyes. Bit like last night, really. "Which reminds me: anyone know why Ianto's looking cheerful?"
He suddenly had the undivided attention of all three of them. "Cheerful?" Gwen asked cautiously.
"As in happy?" Tosh continued.
Jack nodded.
"Oh Christ," Owen sighed. "What have you done this time?"
"Why does it have to my fault?" Jack pouted.
"Because it always is," Tosh pointed out, with what Jack felt was an unnecessary amount of logic.
"Well I haven't done anything this time," he said sulkily. "Not that I ever do anything," he added hastily, "but I definitely especially have not done anything this time."
The others looked dubious but let it pass. Feeling extremely unloved, Jack withdrew to his office, lifting his spirits by having a quick chat with the Doctor's hand. He felt much better when the Hand waggled back in a cheerful kind of way. At least the Hand loved him. Well, liked him. Well, waggled at him.
A few minutes passed and then Tosh quietly made her way up to the Tourist Office. Ianto was cheerfully assuring some Americans that there was a lake monster not too far away that had Nessie beat every which way, so she kept out of sight until they had left.
"That was mean," she commented once she had come in and accepted one of the jelly babies Ianto offered her.
"Why?" Ianto looked mildly offended. "There is a lake monster. They'll have the thrill of their lives seeing it until it eats them."
"That's what I mean," Tosh said patiently. "You know Americans disagree with Llinos. Something in their diet always gives her indigestion. Must be all the burgers."
"Well I thought of that," Ianto said with an air of triumph, "and asked them, casual like, and they're into health food, so Llinos will get a nice healthy snack."
"I can't help but think that you're in the wrong business, Ianto."
Ianto drew himself up to his full height. "My tourists are never bored. Terrified, molested and eaten, yes, but never ever bored!"
Tosh sighed and shook her head but said nothing, snaffling one of the black jelly babies instead and smiling when Ianto glared and very ostentatiously shifted the plate out of her reach. "Jack's twitching."
"Makes a change from the drooling, then."
"You shouldn't wear the suits if you want him to stop drooling."
"Might I remind you what happened when I wore casual clothes? One word: cannibals."
"It was only the one time, Ianto. I don't think it's built into the fabric of the universe that something awful will happen if you wear casual clothes."
"I'm not risking it," Ianto said firmly. "One close encounter with a meat cleaver was quite enough for me."
"You have a point," Tosh admitted. "So why are you in such a good mood and is it safe for any of us to be near Jack for the foreseeable future?"
Ianto suddenly grinned. "Depends on your definition of safe," he said mysteriously.
"Ianto..." Tosh said warningly.
The young Welshman looked mischievous. "Can you keep a secret?"
Tosh looked offended. "Jack still doesn't realise that I know he's immortal. Neither does he realise that I was a Time Agent sent back to apprehend him until you nicked my time module and stranded me. And he most definitely hasn't found out from me that we accidentally broke the containment jar with the hand in and Myfanwy ate it so the Mr Hand he's always talking to is actually from some corpse we chose at random from the Mortuary. I think I can safely say that you're the only one more secretive than me in this place. Why?"
"Come see," Ianto whispered, pulling her into his side office and quickly typing an address into his computer.
"Hotty Harkness?" Tosh read off the screen, her eyes widening at the image of Jack standing on top of some building that took up most of the screen. "A homage to the incredible Captain Jack Harkness, the hottest mystery in Cardiff?" she continued to read in increasingly incredulous tones. "What the hell have you done, Ianto?"
"Me?" Ianto looked offended. "I didn't do this."
"You didn't? Then who did?"
"Two girls. As far as I can determine they crossed paths with the Captain during a routine Weevil problem." Ianto paused. "The Captain then took them to a bar in order to retcon them, with the usual results."
"Oh dear," Tosh said. Jack had an unshakeable faith in his ability to retcon people. Ianto usually had to move quickly to get to the people he had retconned before they recovered their memories and sold their stories to the South Wales Echo. "You missed them?"
"Oh no, I caught up with them about a week after the event. By that time they had set up the webpage and had found a few other people who had crossed the Captain's path."
Tosh gazed at Ianto suspiciously. "Ianto, did you talk to them?"
"Me?" The halo was back again. "Now, Tosh, would I do a thing like that? Why next thing you'll be accusing me of passing on images for them to use and tipping them off to where the Captain might be at any given day."
Tosh had been clicking on a few links and felt her jaw connect to the floor as she saw some of the images that were available on the page. She didn't even want to think where the one where Jack was stark naked apart from a dog collar and a leopard-skin posing pouch came from.
"That's not one of mine," Ianto sniffed as he looked over her shoulder. "I mean, leopard-skin?"
Tosh had been reading some of the comments that had been posted and her eyes were huge as she stared at him in stunned respect. "You're training them up as stalkers?"
Ianto grinned happily. "Seventy two members. All of them mad as hatters and overflowing with hormones." A slightly feral light entered his eyes. "They're going to have a convention in Cardiff in two months time and something tells me that we'll have to attend the venue to catch a Weevil or two."
"Ianto, that's.... evil," Tosh said weakly.
Ianto grinned at her happily. "Oh, yes."
Laughing to herself, Tosh went to go back to her station. After a moment, she reappeared. "Um, Ianto, how do you join?"
Ianto laughed. "I'll send you the link," he said with a wink.
OOOO