Developing conversations
Title: Developing Conversations
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Haehyuk
Ratings: PG-13
Warnings: Dub-con
Summary: Anything can happen during college, and two minds belonging to two entirely different people starts to twine around each other, forming a completion at the end.
A/N: Spots for drawingintheair and eiarim, and big thank yous for helping me to go over the fic and hammer it out >.< Spot for fishydotlove too! Happy birthday dear Hyukjae. :) (Fishydotlove, if your fic is fail, mine is fail-er.)
College starts off pretty well actually, Eunhyuk surmises.
The orientation camp was fun, the seniors were great, and his life with his batchmates actually looked promising, for once. He has this weekend job that sounds like he is going to have a lot of free time on his hands, and he doesn’t really mind, because the course he is studying needs a lot of revision time anyway.
He has been accepted into the course he always wanted, and life looks sweet-sailing from this point onwards. And it doesn’t hurt that for the very first time in his life, his parents actually agreed to let him move out and stay in the college’s dormitories; it’s like the chance to prove that he’s grown up, and he relishes this fact.
Although his faculty doesn’t have any really good looking girls, Eunhyuk doesn’t mind, he doesn’t really want a relationship at this point of time. He wants to be in control of his life, and have no other factor influencing his every single movement.
In fact, Eunhyuk thinks everything is great, until he meets his dorm mate.
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Donghae finds himself rather inundated by the stuff that goes on around him (what college?) and he doesn’t even know how he really ended up in college. He’s taking some course that he doesn’t has any interest in, but he picked it because supposedly, all the hot chicks end up there, somehow or rather. So that helped him determine his choice.
He opens the door to his future abode for the next four years or so, and he takes a moment to absorb his surroundings. It’s cosy, he admits, and there can be some personal space here and there, as he walks through the rooms. The only thing he’s a little uncomfortable with is that the walls are all painted white, and he thinks how the other used to favour white so much, and he feels a slight ache somewhere in the middle of his chest.
He meets his dorm mate when he’s entering the kitchen; the other guy was arranging something in the fridge, so Donghae leans against the door frame and waits patiently until he is noticed. His first impression of his dorm mate isn’t bad; he sees the high cheekbones and very defined jaw line (and he keeps this note somewhere in his mind, though he doesn’t know why) and he thinks as he lifts his hand to introduce himself, that perhaps this can be a rather good head start. Maybe he will be able to forget. Maybe.
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In reality, when Eunhyuk met his dorm mate, he already knew that his dream of leading a moderate life in college isn’t possible anymore. It isn’t really a coincidence that he has to sieve out his own letters from that huge pile that floods his room’s letterbox every single day. He has people coming up to him to ask about his dorm mate, when he is positively sure he isn’t in any way even related to the questioner. He gets shouts and pouts and he gets chased by girls when he tries to avoid, and his dorm mate laughs it off when he ends up panting, breathless, leaning against the door of their house.
But Eunhyuk isn’t able to concentrate well on his studies for the first few weeks; he doesn’t know about the night life his dorm mate actually leads beforehand.
It isn’t something new to hear some incoherent words mumbled in the night, or some door banging and slammed hard back into the frame sometime after midnight. It isn’t new to hear the other accidentally bumping into some furniture or object, because he is too preoccupied with someone else. It isn’t new to be unable to sleep, or read his books properly because the sounds overflowing from the room next to his are too loud to ignore.
It isn’t new to toss and turn in his bed, folding the pillow over his ears, trying his best to block out the sounds, because god, how can his dorm mate be so active and doesn’t seem like he ever needs to study, or wake up early the next day for lectures or tutorials? Damn it, Eunhyuk thinks, when some girl that is brought back is extremely vocal, and Eunhyuk curses his dorm mate to the fiery pits of hell.
Damn it, Donghae, if you want to have your own active night life, bring it somewhere else and leave me out of it, Eunhyuk thinks, and he scrunches his nose up and hits the wall between the rooms pretty hard, releasing his pent-up anger. (The voices fade a little, but resume shortly later. Eunhyuk thinks that it’s not worth it injuring his hand for such a short period of silence.)
Eunhyuk invests in this very good pair of headphones, and it’s his custom to fall asleep listening to his choice of music. At least the music is something he wants to hear, and Donghae doesn’t mention anything when Eunhyuk misses the alarm ringing so shrilly and he is late for class for a few times straight.
(He doesn’t think he’s jealous. Not in the least. Not a bit. Nope.)
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It’s not like Donghae is completely unaware of what Eunhyuk feels every single night. He sees the dark circles under those eyes, and the number of textbooks (seriously, how thick can they get for Eunhyuk’s course?) Eunhyuk dumps on the kitchen not too lightly when Donghae walks in to eat the breakfast the other has prepared. There’s something in him stirring, but it’s definitely not guilt, he thinks.
But the image of that person from his past is too strong, and Donghae shakes his head hard when his brain drags up that person again. It doesn’t help that every single night he ends up slightly drunk at the bar not far away from campus, slightly dizzy but still sober. He drinks to try to forget, but that memory is as clear as ever, so he tries to forget through another way.
It’s a mindless one night stand to the girl, but Donghae sees it as a way to scrub himself clean of the scent the previous person had placed on him, so intoxicating that sometimes he can almost still smell it. So he fucks the girl so hard that she screams so loudly, but he doesn’t hear it, because all he wants is to erase the feel of those hands on him, the smell of perspiration of the other when they do this, the way the other hugs him when they finish.
It’s not really working, but Donghae sees no other alternative for the time being.
His conscious remarks smugly to him, hey do you remember, he dumped you because you weren’t all that caring as he thought you were in the first place, and Donghae thinks his heart got stung by the statement. There is this bitter laugh that goes on in the background, but Donghae pushes it aside, because he is trying to forget, and damn it his mind isn’t helping.
So he tries to rebuild his life without getting affected by his past, and he thinks he can start by treating his own very dorm mate a little nicer, so that perhaps it will help relieve him of his past.
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Sometimes Eunhyuk thinks Donghae is too nice for his own good. Or maybe Donghae is trying to pacify him, so he doesn’t get kicked out of the dorm for breaking the rules, bringing girls back every now and then.
Like the time Eunhyuk wakes up to find breakfast on his desk, the scrambled eggs still slightly smoking, and the pancakes coated in strawberry syrup, and Eunhyuk isn’t sure if it’s a coincidence that his favourite brand of strawberry milk was situated right next to it. Or the time when the course Eunhyuk is taking has a sudden examination round the corner, and Eunhyuk finds the pot of coffee always freshly brewed, and Donghae pops his head more frequently into the room just to ask if there’s anything he needs. (And Donghae abstains from bringing anyone back to his room for that whole week.)
Or the time when Eunhyuk isn’t expecting anyone to remember his birthday, because he never told anyone the exact date before. But miraculously, he wakes up one day to find Donghae swirling around in his chair, holding up a mug decorated with monkeys clutching mikes and he’s positively sure Donghae thinks that the monkeys are rapping or something. He finds a birthday card tucked under his pillow when he goes to sleep that day, after a wild celebration Donghae has brought him on (or tame, according to Donghae’s standards), and it makes him feel a little happier, although he isn’t sure why.
There is this time Eunhyuk stops Donghae all of a sudden, and he tells Donghae not to treat him that well, because sometimes it’s easy to misunderstand. But Donghae doesn’t understand.
Eunhyuk thinks the other will never understand something like this. Eunhyuk doesn’t really understand too, because these acts are so random and are done out of the blue; Eunhyuk is often caught off-guard as to how he will be treated by Donghae in the next minute, cold and professional, then warmth and joy and the close proximity makes Eunhyuk wonders if Donghae really exists.
Eunhyuk is really touched one day when Donghae skips his weekly trip to the nightclub just to accompany him during work. He had mentioned earlier on that work was getting a little boring, and there was no one to talk to, but he certainly wasn’t expecting Donghae to surprise him with such a meeting, and bringing two bottles of milkshakes, and they chat about everything under the sky. It doesn’t end when Eunhyuk’s shift finishes, it continues back in their dorm, and Eunhyuk thinks Donghae has probably done the sweetest thing he has ever experienced.
Not that the other really knows.
It is not to say that there aren’t times that Donghae doesn’t piss Eunhyuk off. Actually, the act of having one night stands nearly every single day is enough to make Eunhyuk hurl and want to show his dissatisfaction every morning, grumpy and anti-social.
Eunhyuk continuously tells the other not to be that nice, but his words seem to fall on deaf ears, and Eunhyuk doesn’t really mind, until one day he thinks he can’t really look Donghae straight in the eyes anymore.
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Donghae doesn’t understand why Eunhyuk tells him not to be that nice, so he draws back slightly at times. God knows he wants to bounce up and make friends with that guy; Eunhyuk is such a great guy, good at studies, dancing, is there anything on this world that he cannot succeed at? (Donghae secretly believes that Eunhyuk will be able to get a few girls himself if he tries. If he just tries.)
Donghae wants to form this equation, where Donghae plus Eunhyuk equates to the best of friends. (He isn’t doing all those nice stuff to ask for forgiveness, there’s nothing to ask forgiveness for, he thinks. Right?) He can see that possibility forming somewhere, but the way Eunhyuk treats him so politely and respectfully seem to put it a little further out of his reach. So Donghae tries to warm up to the other gradually. He wonders if he’s failing in the process.
He brings Eunhyuk out to this dance club one night; he sees it as a favour to Eunhyuk, because that guy has the looks, and he seriously needs a girlfriend, in his own opinion. So he picks Eunhyuk’s outfit and drags him to the nearest bar, ordering two heavy alcoholic drinks. He doesn’t see that Eunhyuk pushes it away politely while he himself downs all of it in one go.
The night is over in a blur, Donghae isn’t sure what exactly happened, but he finds himself in bed with another girl again. Not like it’s anything different from the usual, but some subconscious part of his mind reminds him that there’s Eunhyuk in this situation, and Donghae jerks out of bed upright, wondering where he left his dorm mate at. He checks his cell phone, and he realizes that the guy from the room next door (Sungmin is his name, Donghae thinks) messaged him to tell him that Eunhyuk is bunking in with him. And he doesn’t forget to leave out how pissed Eunhyuk looked when he threw his headphones onto the ground and stormed into his room way past midnight.
It doesn’t help that Eunhyuk enters their dorm right when the girl is about to leave. It’s awkward and all, and Donghae only gets a slam in response when he manages an uncomfortable smile at his dorm mate.
Okay, so maybe he really fails at making friends. Best friends especially. He crosses out the subtle tactics; perhaps he should tell Eunhyuk that he really wants to be friends. And he falters slightly as he remembers how he used to be, just friends, too, with the other guy from his past.
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When Donghae slings an arm casually around Eunhyuk one day, and belts out that Eunhyuk’s the closest friend he ever had for quite a long time, Eunhyuk frowns inwardly. He doesn’t know how to respond to that, and he writes the words ‘Best Friends’ in the air, tracing each letter clearly.
Eunhyuk wants to say that he is sorry; he wants to apologise, but he doesn’t know how to do this without revealing his infatuation on the other guy, and he’s pretty sure it will pass, like all crushes do.
Eunhyuk knows Donghae is watching, and he cancels the word ‘Best’, leaving it as just ‘Friends’. He pretends not to see Donghae bewildered and slightly taken aback, because he doesn’t want Donghae to question, and he doesn’t want to explain.
It feels better to fall in love with a friend, instead of your very best friend, because the risks taken are lower, and Eunhyuk is willing to risk a friendship for a relationship, but he isn’t sure if it comes to something like best friends.
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It just happened, Donghae isn’t sure how exactly, but it did, and the thought of stopping never really crossed his mind before.
There are some girls who naturally more clingy, and it doesn’t really get into their heads that what Donghae has with them is just lust, and nothing more. They pester him for a while, and Donghae goes all cold towards them. There are some who act all close with him, and ask for a reason why Donghae is so devoid of emotions of them. Sometimes, it’s easy, clearing them off with a smirk and state any single reason he can think of in the back of his brain.
Sometimes it’s not that easy; they find him, hound him down everywhere, and Donghae has to avoid certain people at times. They come forward, have this huge confrontation with him, and it ends up with the girl still groveling, asking him not to leave. Donghae doesn’t understand, no matter how many times he trample on the other’s pride, the result is still the same. So he tries another method.
There is this time when he’s at the letterbox, retrieving the letters for once, when this girl approaches him. Donghae doesn’t really remember, was she the girl from the week before, or the girl from that Monday six weeks ago? He adopts a nonchalant pose as she launches into her script detailing why they shouldn’t break up, and Donghae inserts appropriate shrugs and eye-rolling when the time calls for it. The script ends with her grabbing his hand passionately and pleading, and Donghae is so desperate to get back to his own dorm and have a rest.
I’m sorry, Donghae thinks silently, as he grabs the person who happens to be collecting the letters from their letterbox. He pulls the other so that he is standing slightly behind the other, his hand trailing the subtle bulges underneath the other’s shirt. Smirking, he gives the girl a look, and she just stares back blankly. Donghae rolls his eyes, and his hand proceeds to give the person a squeeze at the waist area, causing the other to jump.
Sorry, Donghae thinks dryly, as the girl starts to tear up and points dramatically to the two of them, and Donghae just smiles. Didn’t you know that I’m already in a relationship with this guy here?, Donghae smirks, and he walks away from this whole scene, pulling the other guy with him into the elevator to their rooms.
Donghae pushes the button to their floor, and he heaves a sigh of relief right at the door. He admits he feels Eunhyuk staring right at his back, but he pretends he doesn’t. Eunhyuk will not mind this much, some subconscious part of his brain informs him, and Donghae relaxes, turning around to greet the other cheerfully and all when the elevator doors open at their level.
He thinks that is when it started, and since then, Donghae hasn’t stopped using this method. He doesn’t deny that there is this possibility he actually enjoys applying this method.
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Eunhyuk wonders how people manage to tell their crushes to stop using them.
He hates how Donghae uses him to ‘break up’ with those girls; he abhors it, but he never found the way to express his hatred and disappointment to the other. He wonders why he is being so weak, only to realize that this is fuelling his fantasies on even more, because in his world Donghae is his, and they are just this couple who are in love. That’s all, simple and sweet.
He tells Sungmin about his situation, but he knows there’s nothing Sungmin can do, because he’s the one who is falling deeper into it. Sungmin advises him to show his anger directly next time; to act on his gut feeling and seize the moment, not to think about what could have happened, or what possibly can develop from there.
They are seated in the dining room, Donghae has ordered a pizza, and both of them are exchanging bits of information of their lives over dinner. Eunhyuk thinks that this is one of those rare times when Donghae looks like he is actually in Eunhyuk’s reach, like he is some normal person, not the dazzling persona Eunhyuk makes him out to be very often.
Someone bangs heavily on the door, and Eunhyuk makes a move to stand up, but Donghae bats him down (Relax, stay, Donghae says), before going to the door himself. For a moment, the sound of sobbing makes its way to the dining room, and Eunhyuk ignores it; it isn’t something new, he’s kind of used to the noise already. Then the hushed whispers starts, slowly rising in volume, and Eunhyuk can almost feel the scene coming, and he silently curses as he leans back in his chair to peek at the intruder.
Donghae’s walking back towards him, this blank emotion on his face, and there’s another girl in the background, looking at Donghae furiously. Eunhyuk raises an eyebrow, but Donghae remains expressionless until he reaches the dining table. The pizza is lying on the table forgotten, until Donghae picks a slice up and places it right in front of Eunhyuk’s mouth, nudging him subtly to eat it. Eunhyuk stares up at him incomprehensibly, and Donghae sighs, bending down slightly to rub at a stain near Eunhyuk’s mouth, before dropping a small kiss onto that part, a little hesitantly.
Eunhyuk doesn’t know what really happened to the girl next, he only remembers Sungmin’s advice, to act on his gut feelings, and he’s feeling disappointed and anger and all the emotions are darting in his body in reaction to what his roommate has just done to him, and his brain hasn’t even processed the fact that his dorm mate is actually doing this just to spite the girl there, who is most probably gone by now.
He shoves the pizza in Donghae’s hands away, and the both of them look at the slice of pizza falling to the ground with a soft thud. For once, the anger dominates in Eunhyuk, because no one has really kissed him like that, used him like that until he feels like he’s no longer in control; he’s a pawn on Donghae’s chessboard and he hates it so much he feels like breaking his own heart instead.
Eunhyuk doesn’t really know what he is doing, but he picks up the whole pizza box with half of it still intact inside, and he slams it so hard against the wall opposite, and both of them watches as the pizza slides downwards, making a sick squelching sound as it proceeds to the bottom. Eunhyuk takes it all in, the stains on the walls, the way down, and he’s staring so hard there are tears in his eyes, but he doesn’t want to rub them off in front of this guy here, so he walks to his room and slams the door hard.
He lies on the bed and thinks about what exactly has happened to him. He remembers Sungmin teasing him about this, and a particular line in these lyrics makes its way round and round in his head.
Lucky I’m in love with my best friend,
Lucky to have been where I’ve been
Lucky to be going home again.
Yeah fuck, that’s right, Eunhyuk thinks. Lucky to be in love with his best friend is the best thing that has ever happened to his life, his thoughts dripping with sarcasm, and he pulls his pillow over his head to block out the spinning lights in his eyes.
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Donghae concludes that Eunhyuk must be really angry; he has been listening at the door, but there isn’t a single sound emitting from Eunhyuk’s room. He has been walking around the house silently by himself, cleaning up the mess, trying his best to go about without making any noise, because he doesn’t know what he is feeling, doesn’t know what Eunhyuk is thinking, and he hates this internal turmoil in him.
He doesn’t know what that kiss represents, because he just did it without further thinking. He needs to just rub that stain away; that’s all, but something compelled him to go further.
He ends up at a bar, drinking, but there’s something different; his past doesn’t take centre stage for once, his present does. He tries to push his thoughts away, and he finds himself mixing up the past and the present. He’s craving, he’s craving for a certain person’s touch, his words, the way he breathes quietly when it’s only the two of them, and now the way he smiles that gummy smile whenever Donghae does something sweet, the way his dorm mate takes care of him whenever he needs it and it’s so overpowering that Donghae can’t erase them with just dancing and grooving up close with some random girl.
He doesn’t really know he made it back home, but he does remember he’s knocking hard on his door, waiting, perhaps with a little bit of wishing, that Eunhyuk will come open the door for him, because he’s so frustrated that the guy in his past left him just like that, but now he’s craving for another guy’s touch.
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Eunhyuk opens the door reluctantly; he doesn’t know if Donghae is slinging his arms over another girl now, but he doesn’t really want to know either. He throws the door open and leaves it open, walking back to his room without a backward glance. He can hear that the other is very drunk, with the unstable footsteps, but Eunhyuk doesn’t want to help, because he doesn’t know if he is strong enough to do this yet.
Eunhyuk doesn’t really know what happens next, but there are arms wrapping around his waist, and Donghae’s head is buried somewhere in the section between his neck and his shoulder. The latter is mumbling something incoherently, and Eunhyuk grits his teeth, trying to remove those arms, only to find that they are tightening, and when Donghae starts brushing his lips against his skin, Eunhyuk finds himself heating up at the slightest touches.
Don’t, Eunhyuk spits out, and he pushes Donghae away. The other doesn’t care, at the very least, and Eunhyuk starts wondering when Donghae became so strong. He can taste the alcohol when Donghae forcefully kisses him, and Eunhyuk’s shaking his head so hard, he doesn’t want this, Donghae is so drunk and this is not what he wants. Donghae only grips the moving head with his hands, and continues.
No, Eunhyuk is now shouting, as Donghae continues, trailing his arms over Eunhyuk’s biceps, but Donghae doesn’t seem to be paying the slightest attention to what Eunhyuk wants. Eunhyuk finds himself tearing up, but he doesn’t know the reason why, when Donghae pushes him onto his bed and kisses him again. Eunhyuk knows where it is going, he knows what Donghae is most probably going to do. But he doesn’t know if Donghae should stop.
He closes his eyes tightly and the tears escape.
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Donghae wakes up to a pretty bad hangover, his head is pounding like it has never before, and he finds himself tangled in his own bed sheets. He holds his head in between his hands, and he rocks himself silently. For once, he hasn’t dreamt of his past last night.
There are certain holes in his memories of the previous night, but he remembers the emotion that was rushing through him when he first brushes his lips against Eunhyuk’s, and he wonders what exactly he is feeling now. He sees the clothes strewn all over his floor, and he shakes his head again, because that piece of clothing doesn’t look like his.
Oh God, where’s Eunhyuk?
He wonders if he has been missing out on something; he wonders if he is lacking some observation skills.
He wonders what is happening to him, because the past is slowly letting him go, and he doesn’t know to go forward, because he’s afraid.
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Eunhyuk’s running, he’s running down the street, decked out in normal clothes.
Donghae’s probably awake, and he probably doesn’t have a single inkling how he took Eunhyuk last night.
Damn it, he’s angry. But he’s too confused to be angry.
Damn it Donghae, damn you, Eunhyuk thinks, who gave you the permission to come into my life and mess up my perfect life just like that? The sobs start escaping, and Eunhyuk finds a bench on the side of the road to stop, to pant, and to curl up and tuck his face into his knees so he can hide from this screwed up world and the person named Lee Donghae.
What love really is, Eunhyuk ponders, and he opens his mouth to emit a silent scream, clenching his fists so hard he can feel his fingernails digging into his palm, but he isn’t sure if it’s painful enough to take away his troubles, so he digs in deeper, and all it can do is to remind him of the heartbreak he felt last night.
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Donghae is sitting on the couch with his head in his hands when he hears a hesitant knock on the open front door. He lifts his head and peeks, half expecting Eunhyuk to be standing there awkwardly, gummy smile and all, and half of him wants to go forward and hug the guy, the other half is telling him not to after how he has hurt him.
He sees Sungmin smiling awkwardly instead, holding a cup with monkey clutching tightly to their mikes, and this nudges a slight smile out of Donghae, though it fades quickly, as he wonders why it is doing in Sungmin’s possession.
Sungmin makes his way uncomfortably to the couch, placing the cup on the table as he mumbles a little incoherently that Eunhyuk is used to sleeping at his room that he has brought certain personal belongings over, and Sungmin thinks that perhaps it is time to stop all this. He glances at Donghae, but Donghae is expressionless, and an inexplicable surge of anger rises in Sungmin. He raises his fist to strike Donghae, but the way Donghae just looks at him deadpan makes him want to comfort the guy, and he thinks, what a screwed life both Donghae and Eunhyuk are leading.
Donghae, tell me what you feel about Eunhyuk, Sungmin says, exhaling harshly as he lowers his fist. He listens as Donghae details his insecurities and all; he listens as Donghae narrates his past, and compares it to the present. He listens to Donghae’s fears, and his regrets, and Sungmin’s breathe hitches as he listens to what Donghae has done last night. He listens until he feels like a piece of his heart is breaking off, but he continues to listen, until Donghae runs out of steam and looks at him desperately for advice.
To sum it up, Sungmin thinks, and he looks at Donghae. Tell me how you feel about him, in summary, Sungmin prods, and Donghae releases the air he has been holding in.
Donghae mumbles incoherently, I don’t know, I don’t know, into his palms, and Sungmin figures it out. He gives Donghae a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, and he thinks at least Donghae is pretty clear how he is feeling towards Eunhyuk now. No more screwed up lifestyles right next to his room, Sungmin thinks wryly, and he manages a small smile.
Tell him how you feel, because Eunhyuk can never get angry at you, Sungmin says, and he leaves the room.
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Eunhyuk is closing the door after returning from Sungmin’s room, where the latter made him confess, when he jumps, seeing a figure sitting motionlessly on the couch in the dark, with no lights switched on. He swallows a little, and curses at himself for being a fool, a total fool when he still feels something for this person over here.
“Eunhyuk.”
There’s a silence that hangs in the room, and Eunhyuk thinks that it is possible that he has stopped breathing for a while. He waits, and Donghae turns this slightly that now the latter is facing him, and Eunhyuk doesn’t really know if he should walk to his room, or stay rooted to the ground there.
“Eunhyuk,” Donghae repeats, as he stands up to make his way carefully to the frozen figure at the door.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Donghae continues, and he takes in the wary eyes Eunhyuk shoots at him as he takes a step closer. He takes in the stiff form Eunhyuk adopts, and he raises his hands till they are in front of his chest, and Eunhyuk’s gaze follows them.
“For last night, I wasn’t sure what I was doing.” Donghae states softly, and he wills Eunhyuk not to bolt; he tries to tell Eunhyuk to stay with his eyes, but Donghae sees something shifts inside Eunhyuk’s eyes, and he shoots a hand to grab Eunhyuk before the latter can run.
Eunhyuk is trying to run, to escape to his room, but Donghae’s grip is tight on his hand, and no matter how he tries to wrestle himself out of it, he just can’t. He remembers the strength Donghae used last night and Eunhyuk thinks he starts to crumble, and he repeats, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, and he doesn’t know what he is doing anymore as his vision starts to blur. He pulls hard, and his hand slips out of Donghae’s grasp, and he starts to move, away.
“No Eunhyuk! Don’t be stupid.” Donghae exhales harshly and catches the other, pulling him into an embrace. This is coming out the wrong way, going down the wrong way, and everything’s a mess, Donghae thinks, and why is he so harsh now when he’s supposed to be gentle to regain Eunhyuk’s trust? He feels Eunhyuk’s heart thudding uncontrollably under his palm, and his heart just smirks and teases him, are you any different from that guy who dumped you that time, treating others like this?
Wrong, Donghae thinks, and he stares into those eyes in front of him, and it makes him ache that he made someone like Eunhyuk undergo something like this.
No wonder Eunhyuk bought headphones to block out the noises, not that he couldn’t stand the noise, but he couldn’t stand how his heart was breaking when Donghae is doing some girl outside his room. No wonder Eunhyuk tells him not to be so nice, because he’s just leading the other on, and he doesn’t realize this until, and only until he starts feeling something else other than friendship for the guy in his arms. No wonder Eunhyuk got so angry when he’s being used, because Donghae thinks he is such a fool, and no wonder Eunhyuk didn’t resist last night, because Eunhyuk knows what Donghae needs.
Donghae presses his lips silently against the other’s, and he feels the other freeze at the action. He’s not going to force the other, so he waits patiently there, until he feels Eunhyuk tugging his shirt closer, and those tentative arms wrapping around his waist, and Donghae doesn’t know if Eunhyuk is crying because of the memories of last night, until Eunhyuk pushes him away slightly, his eyes still shining.
“Are you sure you aren’t drunk?” Eunhyuk whispers, but Donghae feels it through the vibrations as he places his cheek right beside Eunhyuk’s, catching his breath silently.
“I’m not.” Donghae whispers back, and he clutches Eunhyuk tighter. “I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I’m feeling, but this feels, right.” He feels the sobs racking through Eunhyuk subsiding, and he holds him there, rocking slightly, and Donghae leans down slightly to press a kiss to Eunhyuk’s shoulder.
“As for last night,” Donghae continues, raising his head to look at Eunhyuk straight in the eye, “I was craving for a person’s touch.” He sees Eunhyuk shuts his eyes as he processes what Donghae just said, and Donghae realizes how wrong it seem to sound now, and he raises his hands to hold Eunhyuk’s face immobile.
“I don’t know when it started, but it did, and I want someone like you.” Donghae states, and his breath rushes by the side of Eunhyuk’s face. He leans forward to press another kiss to Eunhyuk’s quivering lips, and he closes his eyes, sighing as Eunhyuk raises his hands to settle them on his cheeks.
This should have come way earlier before last night, Donghae thinks, and he holds the man in front of him a little tighter.
------
Donghae is holding Eunhyuk in his embrace as they are lying on his bed, and Donghae is talking. He talks about what happened to him in the past, he talks about his bottled up feelings, he talks about how foolish he was to know what Eunhyuk is suffering but not doing anything about it, and he talks till his throat feels a little sore. He wants to continue, but Eunhyuk looks at him quietly, and he closes his open mouth slowly.
Eunhyuk talks about how he started liking Donghae, he talks about his anger and pent-up frustration when Donghae doesn’t get all the subtle hints he is trying to convey. He talks about how dense Donghae is, and he talks about his confusion when Donghae kisses him forcefully, because he doesn’t know if he should reject it, or take it, because he’s enjoying it. As he talks, he feels Donghae’s grip curling a little tighter around him, and he lays his hands over Donghae’s, although he is still unsure of their future.
We can try this, Donghae says quietly, and Eunhyuk shakes his head.
I want this, he states, and Donghae looks down at him, and both of them break into small smiles.
-----
It isn’t exactly the perfect college life Eunhyuk wanted to lead.
He’s staring up at the ceiling and thinking about his thesis for his final year graduation exams. It has been rocky, and it feels like something is missing from the thesis, but he doesn’t really know what it is.
There’s a small knock on his door, and Eunhyuk lifts his head hesitantly, to spot Donghae smiling widely from the door. He waves the latter in, and Donghae crawls in right beside him, lifting the blanket lightly to lay it properly over the both of them. They end up staring at each other instead, and Eunhyuk marvels at how Donghae has changed over the span of three years, and the fact that they are still together, for some reason.
He smiles as Donghae lifts a palm to caress his cheeks, and he leans into the touch, closing his eyes. There’s some shuffling, and Eunhyuk smiles when Donghae presses a light kiss onto his nose, and he likes the way how Donghae rearranges himself until both of them are tangled, and he is unable to wake up and walk off properly without waking the other too. He never told Donghae about this, but something tells him that Donghae knows how he is feeling, which results in Donghae sneaking into his room every now and then.
It isn’t the perfect college life Donghae wanted, as well, Eunhyuk knows, but as he opens his eyes to stare right into the other’s, feeling the smooth rhythm of Donghae’s heartbeat under his hand, he thinks perhaps it has worked out somehow, that two imperfect lives come together to form a perfect completion.
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Haehyuk
Ratings: PG-13
Warnings: Dub-con
Summary: Anything can happen during college, and two minds belonging to two entirely different people starts to twine around each other, forming a completion at the end.
A/N: Spots for drawingintheair and eiarim, and big thank yous for helping me to go over the fic and hammer it out >.< Spot for fishydotlove too! Happy birthday dear Hyukjae. :) (Fishydotlove, if your fic is fail, mine is fail-er.)
College starts off pretty well actually, Eunhyuk surmises.
The orientation camp was fun, the seniors were great, and his life with his batchmates actually looked promising, for once. He has this weekend job that sounds like he is going to have a lot of free time on his hands, and he doesn’t really mind, because the course he is studying needs a lot of revision time anyway.
He has been accepted into the course he always wanted, and life looks sweet-sailing from this point onwards. And it doesn’t hurt that for the very first time in his life, his parents actually agreed to let him move out and stay in the college’s dormitories; it’s like the chance to prove that he’s grown up, and he relishes this fact.
Although his faculty doesn’t have any really good looking girls, Eunhyuk doesn’t mind, he doesn’t really want a relationship at this point of time. He wants to be in control of his life, and have no other factor influencing his every single movement.
In fact, Eunhyuk thinks everything is great, until he meets his dorm mate.
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Donghae finds himself rather inundated by the stuff that goes on around him (what college?) and he doesn’t even know how he really ended up in college. He’s taking some course that he doesn’t has any interest in, but he picked it because supposedly, all the hot chicks end up there, somehow or rather. So that helped him determine his choice.
He opens the door to his future abode for the next four years or so, and he takes a moment to absorb his surroundings. It’s cosy, he admits, and there can be some personal space here and there, as he walks through the rooms. The only thing he’s a little uncomfortable with is that the walls are all painted white, and he thinks how the other used to favour white so much, and he feels a slight ache somewhere in the middle of his chest.
He meets his dorm mate when he’s entering the kitchen; the other guy was arranging something in the fridge, so Donghae leans against the door frame and waits patiently until he is noticed. His first impression of his dorm mate isn’t bad; he sees the high cheekbones and very defined jaw line (and he keeps this note somewhere in his mind, though he doesn’t know why) and he thinks as he lifts his hand to introduce himself, that perhaps this can be a rather good head start. Maybe he will be able to forget. Maybe.
--------
In reality, when Eunhyuk met his dorm mate, he already knew that his dream of leading a moderate life in college isn’t possible anymore. It isn’t really a coincidence that he has to sieve out his own letters from that huge pile that floods his room’s letterbox every single day. He has people coming up to him to ask about his dorm mate, when he is positively sure he isn’t in any way even related to the questioner. He gets shouts and pouts and he gets chased by girls when he tries to avoid, and his dorm mate laughs it off when he ends up panting, breathless, leaning against the door of their house.
But Eunhyuk isn’t able to concentrate well on his studies for the first few weeks; he doesn’t know about the night life his dorm mate actually leads beforehand.
It isn’t something new to hear some incoherent words mumbled in the night, or some door banging and slammed hard back into the frame sometime after midnight. It isn’t new to hear the other accidentally bumping into some furniture or object, because he is too preoccupied with someone else. It isn’t new to be unable to sleep, or read his books properly because the sounds overflowing from the room next to his are too loud to ignore.
It isn’t new to toss and turn in his bed, folding the pillow over his ears, trying his best to block out the sounds, because god, how can his dorm mate be so active and doesn’t seem like he ever needs to study, or wake up early the next day for lectures or tutorials? Damn it, Eunhyuk thinks, when some girl that is brought back is extremely vocal, and Eunhyuk curses his dorm mate to the fiery pits of hell.
Damn it, Donghae, if you want to have your own active night life, bring it somewhere else and leave me out of it, Eunhyuk thinks, and he scrunches his nose up and hits the wall between the rooms pretty hard, releasing his pent-up anger. (The voices fade a little, but resume shortly later. Eunhyuk thinks that it’s not worth it injuring his hand for such a short period of silence.)
Eunhyuk invests in this very good pair of headphones, and it’s his custom to fall asleep listening to his choice of music. At least the music is something he wants to hear, and Donghae doesn’t mention anything when Eunhyuk misses the alarm ringing so shrilly and he is late for class for a few times straight.
(He doesn’t think he’s jealous. Not in the least. Not a bit. Nope.)
---------
It’s not like Donghae is completely unaware of what Eunhyuk feels every single night. He sees the dark circles under those eyes, and the number of textbooks (seriously, how thick can they get for Eunhyuk’s course?) Eunhyuk dumps on the kitchen not too lightly when Donghae walks in to eat the breakfast the other has prepared. There’s something in him stirring, but it’s definitely not guilt, he thinks.
But the image of that person from his past is too strong, and Donghae shakes his head hard when his brain drags up that person again. It doesn’t help that every single night he ends up slightly drunk at the bar not far away from campus, slightly dizzy but still sober. He drinks to try to forget, but that memory is as clear as ever, so he tries to forget through another way.
It’s a mindless one night stand to the girl, but Donghae sees it as a way to scrub himself clean of the scent the previous person had placed on him, so intoxicating that sometimes he can almost still smell it. So he fucks the girl so hard that she screams so loudly, but he doesn’t hear it, because all he wants is to erase the feel of those hands on him, the smell of perspiration of the other when they do this, the way the other hugs him when they finish.
It’s not really working, but Donghae sees no other alternative for the time being.
His conscious remarks smugly to him, hey do you remember, he dumped you because you weren’t all that caring as he thought you were in the first place, and Donghae thinks his heart got stung by the statement. There is this bitter laugh that goes on in the background, but Donghae pushes it aside, because he is trying to forget, and damn it his mind isn’t helping.
So he tries to rebuild his life without getting affected by his past, and he thinks he can start by treating his own very dorm mate a little nicer, so that perhaps it will help relieve him of his past.
-------
Sometimes Eunhyuk thinks Donghae is too nice for his own good. Or maybe Donghae is trying to pacify him, so he doesn’t get kicked out of the dorm for breaking the rules, bringing girls back every now and then.
Like the time Eunhyuk wakes up to find breakfast on his desk, the scrambled eggs still slightly smoking, and the pancakes coated in strawberry syrup, and Eunhyuk isn’t sure if it’s a coincidence that his favourite brand of strawberry milk was situated right next to it. Or the time when the course Eunhyuk is taking has a sudden examination round the corner, and Eunhyuk finds the pot of coffee always freshly brewed, and Donghae pops his head more frequently into the room just to ask if there’s anything he needs. (And Donghae abstains from bringing anyone back to his room for that whole week.)
Or the time when Eunhyuk isn’t expecting anyone to remember his birthday, because he never told anyone the exact date before. But miraculously, he wakes up one day to find Donghae swirling around in his chair, holding up a mug decorated with monkeys clutching mikes and he’s positively sure Donghae thinks that the monkeys are rapping or something. He finds a birthday card tucked under his pillow when he goes to sleep that day, after a wild celebration Donghae has brought him on (or tame, according to Donghae’s standards), and it makes him feel a little happier, although he isn’t sure why.
There is this time Eunhyuk stops Donghae all of a sudden, and he tells Donghae not to treat him that well, because sometimes it’s easy to misunderstand. But Donghae doesn’t understand.
Eunhyuk thinks the other will never understand something like this. Eunhyuk doesn’t really understand too, because these acts are so random and are done out of the blue; Eunhyuk is often caught off-guard as to how he will be treated by Donghae in the next minute, cold and professional, then warmth and joy and the close proximity makes Eunhyuk wonders if Donghae really exists.
Eunhyuk is really touched one day when Donghae skips his weekly trip to the nightclub just to accompany him during work. He had mentioned earlier on that work was getting a little boring, and there was no one to talk to, but he certainly wasn’t expecting Donghae to surprise him with such a meeting, and bringing two bottles of milkshakes, and they chat about everything under the sky. It doesn’t end when Eunhyuk’s shift finishes, it continues back in their dorm, and Eunhyuk thinks Donghae has probably done the sweetest thing he has ever experienced.
Not that the other really knows.
It is not to say that there aren’t times that Donghae doesn’t piss Eunhyuk off. Actually, the act of having one night stands nearly every single day is enough to make Eunhyuk hurl and want to show his dissatisfaction every morning, grumpy and anti-social.
Eunhyuk continuously tells the other not to be that nice, but his words seem to fall on deaf ears, and Eunhyuk doesn’t really mind, until one day he thinks he can’t really look Donghae straight in the eyes anymore.
-------
Donghae doesn’t understand why Eunhyuk tells him not to be that nice, so he draws back slightly at times. God knows he wants to bounce up and make friends with that guy; Eunhyuk is such a great guy, good at studies, dancing, is there anything on this world that he cannot succeed at? (Donghae secretly believes that Eunhyuk will be able to get a few girls himself if he tries. If he just tries.)
Donghae wants to form this equation, where Donghae plus Eunhyuk equates to the best of friends. (He isn’t doing all those nice stuff to ask for forgiveness, there’s nothing to ask forgiveness for, he thinks. Right?) He can see that possibility forming somewhere, but the way Eunhyuk treats him so politely and respectfully seem to put it a little further out of his reach. So Donghae tries to warm up to the other gradually. He wonders if he’s failing in the process.
He brings Eunhyuk out to this dance club one night; he sees it as a favour to Eunhyuk, because that guy has the looks, and he seriously needs a girlfriend, in his own opinion. So he picks Eunhyuk’s outfit and drags him to the nearest bar, ordering two heavy alcoholic drinks. He doesn’t see that Eunhyuk pushes it away politely while he himself downs all of it in one go.
The night is over in a blur, Donghae isn’t sure what exactly happened, but he finds himself in bed with another girl again. Not like it’s anything different from the usual, but some subconscious part of his mind reminds him that there’s Eunhyuk in this situation, and Donghae jerks out of bed upright, wondering where he left his dorm mate at. He checks his cell phone, and he realizes that the guy from the room next door (Sungmin is his name, Donghae thinks) messaged him to tell him that Eunhyuk is bunking in with him. And he doesn’t forget to leave out how pissed Eunhyuk looked when he threw his headphones onto the ground and stormed into his room way past midnight.
It doesn’t help that Eunhyuk enters their dorm right when the girl is about to leave. It’s awkward and all, and Donghae only gets a slam in response when he manages an uncomfortable smile at his dorm mate.
Okay, so maybe he really fails at making friends. Best friends especially. He crosses out the subtle tactics; perhaps he should tell Eunhyuk that he really wants to be friends. And he falters slightly as he remembers how he used to be, just friends, too, with the other guy from his past.
--------
When Donghae slings an arm casually around Eunhyuk one day, and belts out that Eunhyuk’s the closest friend he ever had for quite a long time, Eunhyuk frowns inwardly. He doesn’t know how to respond to that, and he writes the words ‘Best Friends’ in the air, tracing each letter clearly.
Eunhyuk wants to say that he is sorry; he wants to apologise, but he doesn’t know how to do this without revealing his infatuation on the other guy, and he’s pretty sure it will pass, like all crushes do.
Eunhyuk knows Donghae is watching, and he cancels the word ‘Best’, leaving it as just ‘Friends’. He pretends not to see Donghae bewildered and slightly taken aback, because he doesn’t want Donghae to question, and he doesn’t want to explain.
It feels better to fall in love with a friend, instead of your very best friend, because the risks taken are lower, and Eunhyuk is willing to risk a friendship for a relationship, but he isn’t sure if it comes to something like best friends.
-----------
It just happened, Donghae isn’t sure how exactly, but it did, and the thought of stopping never really crossed his mind before.
There are some girls who naturally more clingy, and it doesn’t really get into their heads that what Donghae has with them is just lust, and nothing more. They pester him for a while, and Donghae goes all cold towards them. There are some who act all close with him, and ask for a reason why Donghae is so devoid of emotions of them. Sometimes, it’s easy, clearing them off with a smirk and state any single reason he can think of in the back of his brain.
Sometimes it’s not that easy; they find him, hound him down everywhere, and Donghae has to avoid certain people at times. They come forward, have this huge confrontation with him, and it ends up with the girl still groveling, asking him not to leave. Donghae doesn’t understand, no matter how many times he trample on the other’s pride, the result is still the same. So he tries another method.
There is this time when he’s at the letterbox, retrieving the letters for once, when this girl approaches him. Donghae doesn’t really remember, was she the girl from the week before, or the girl from that Monday six weeks ago? He adopts a nonchalant pose as she launches into her script detailing why they shouldn’t break up, and Donghae inserts appropriate shrugs and eye-rolling when the time calls for it. The script ends with her grabbing his hand passionately and pleading, and Donghae is so desperate to get back to his own dorm and have a rest.
I’m sorry, Donghae thinks silently, as he grabs the person who happens to be collecting the letters from their letterbox. He pulls the other so that he is standing slightly behind the other, his hand trailing the subtle bulges underneath the other’s shirt. Smirking, he gives the girl a look, and she just stares back blankly. Donghae rolls his eyes, and his hand proceeds to give the person a squeeze at the waist area, causing the other to jump.
Sorry, Donghae thinks dryly, as the girl starts to tear up and points dramatically to the two of them, and Donghae just smiles. Didn’t you know that I’m already in a relationship with this guy here?, Donghae smirks, and he walks away from this whole scene, pulling the other guy with him into the elevator to their rooms.
Donghae pushes the button to their floor, and he heaves a sigh of relief right at the door. He admits he feels Eunhyuk staring right at his back, but he pretends he doesn’t. Eunhyuk will not mind this much, some subconscious part of his brain informs him, and Donghae relaxes, turning around to greet the other cheerfully and all when the elevator doors open at their level.
He thinks that is when it started, and since then, Donghae hasn’t stopped using this method. He doesn’t deny that there is this possibility he actually enjoys applying this method.
-------
Eunhyuk wonders how people manage to tell their crushes to stop using them.
He hates how Donghae uses him to ‘break up’ with those girls; he abhors it, but he never found the way to express his hatred and disappointment to the other. He wonders why he is being so weak, only to realize that this is fuelling his fantasies on even more, because in his world Donghae is his, and they are just this couple who are in love. That’s all, simple and sweet.
He tells Sungmin about his situation, but he knows there’s nothing Sungmin can do, because he’s the one who is falling deeper into it. Sungmin advises him to show his anger directly next time; to act on his gut feeling and seize the moment, not to think about what could have happened, or what possibly can develop from there.
They are seated in the dining room, Donghae has ordered a pizza, and both of them are exchanging bits of information of their lives over dinner. Eunhyuk thinks that this is one of those rare times when Donghae looks like he is actually in Eunhyuk’s reach, like he is some normal person, not the dazzling persona Eunhyuk makes him out to be very often.
Someone bangs heavily on the door, and Eunhyuk makes a move to stand up, but Donghae bats him down (Relax, stay, Donghae says), before going to the door himself. For a moment, the sound of sobbing makes its way to the dining room, and Eunhyuk ignores it; it isn’t something new, he’s kind of used to the noise already. Then the hushed whispers starts, slowly rising in volume, and Eunhyuk can almost feel the scene coming, and he silently curses as he leans back in his chair to peek at the intruder.
Donghae’s walking back towards him, this blank emotion on his face, and there’s another girl in the background, looking at Donghae furiously. Eunhyuk raises an eyebrow, but Donghae remains expressionless until he reaches the dining table. The pizza is lying on the table forgotten, until Donghae picks a slice up and places it right in front of Eunhyuk’s mouth, nudging him subtly to eat it. Eunhyuk stares up at him incomprehensibly, and Donghae sighs, bending down slightly to rub at a stain near Eunhyuk’s mouth, before dropping a small kiss onto that part, a little hesitantly.
Eunhyuk doesn’t know what really happened to the girl next, he only remembers Sungmin’s advice, to act on his gut feelings, and he’s feeling disappointed and anger and all the emotions are darting in his body in reaction to what his roommate has just done to him, and his brain hasn’t even processed the fact that his dorm mate is actually doing this just to spite the girl there, who is most probably gone by now.
He shoves the pizza in Donghae’s hands away, and the both of them look at the slice of pizza falling to the ground with a soft thud. For once, the anger dominates in Eunhyuk, because no one has really kissed him like that, used him like that until he feels like he’s no longer in control; he’s a pawn on Donghae’s chessboard and he hates it so much he feels like breaking his own heart instead.
Eunhyuk doesn’t really know what he is doing, but he picks up the whole pizza box with half of it still intact inside, and he slams it so hard against the wall opposite, and both of them watches as the pizza slides downwards, making a sick squelching sound as it proceeds to the bottom. Eunhyuk takes it all in, the stains on the walls, the way down, and he’s staring so hard there are tears in his eyes, but he doesn’t want to rub them off in front of this guy here, so he walks to his room and slams the door hard.
He lies on the bed and thinks about what exactly has happened to him. He remembers Sungmin teasing him about this, and a particular line in these lyrics makes its way round and round in his head.
Lucky I’m in love with my best friend,
Lucky to have been where I’ve been
Lucky to be going home again.
Yeah fuck, that’s right, Eunhyuk thinks. Lucky to be in love with his best friend is the best thing that has ever happened to his life, his thoughts dripping with sarcasm, and he pulls his pillow over his head to block out the spinning lights in his eyes.
-------
Donghae concludes that Eunhyuk must be really angry; he has been listening at the door, but there isn’t a single sound emitting from Eunhyuk’s room. He has been walking around the house silently by himself, cleaning up the mess, trying his best to go about without making any noise, because he doesn’t know what he is feeling, doesn’t know what Eunhyuk is thinking, and he hates this internal turmoil in him.
He doesn’t know what that kiss represents, because he just did it without further thinking. He needs to just rub that stain away; that’s all, but something compelled him to go further.
He ends up at a bar, drinking, but there’s something different; his past doesn’t take centre stage for once, his present does. He tries to push his thoughts away, and he finds himself mixing up the past and the present. He’s craving, he’s craving for a certain person’s touch, his words, the way he breathes quietly when it’s only the two of them, and now the way he smiles that gummy smile whenever Donghae does something sweet, the way his dorm mate takes care of him whenever he needs it and it’s so overpowering that Donghae can’t erase them with just dancing and grooving up close with some random girl.
He doesn’t really know he made it back home, but he does remember he’s knocking hard on his door, waiting, perhaps with a little bit of wishing, that Eunhyuk will come open the door for him, because he’s so frustrated that the guy in his past left him just like that, but now he’s craving for another guy’s touch.
---------
Eunhyuk opens the door reluctantly; he doesn’t know if Donghae is slinging his arms over another girl now, but he doesn’t really want to know either. He throws the door open and leaves it open, walking back to his room without a backward glance. He can hear that the other is very drunk, with the unstable footsteps, but Eunhyuk doesn’t want to help, because he doesn’t know if he is strong enough to do this yet.
Eunhyuk doesn’t really know what happens next, but there are arms wrapping around his waist, and Donghae’s head is buried somewhere in the section between his neck and his shoulder. The latter is mumbling something incoherently, and Eunhyuk grits his teeth, trying to remove those arms, only to find that they are tightening, and when Donghae starts brushing his lips against his skin, Eunhyuk finds himself heating up at the slightest touches.
Don’t, Eunhyuk spits out, and he pushes Donghae away. The other doesn’t care, at the very least, and Eunhyuk starts wondering when Donghae became so strong. He can taste the alcohol when Donghae forcefully kisses him, and Eunhyuk’s shaking his head so hard, he doesn’t want this, Donghae is so drunk and this is not what he wants. Donghae only grips the moving head with his hands, and continues.
No, Eunhyuk is now shouting, as Donghae continues, trailing his arms over Eunhyuk’s biceps, but Donghae doesn’t seem to be paying the slightest attention to what Eunhyuk wants. Eunhyuk finds himself tearing up, but he doesn’t know the reason why, when Donghae pushes him onto his bed and kisses him again. Eunhyuk knows where it is going, he knows what Donghae is most probably going to do. But he doesn’t know if Donghae should stop.
He closes his eyes tightly and the tears escape.
------
Donghae wakes up to a pretty bad hangover, his head is pounding like it has never before, and he finds himself tangled in his own bed sheets. He holds his head in between his hands, and he rocks himself silently. For once, he hasn’t dreamt of his past last night.
There are certain holes in his memories of the previous night, but he remembers the emotion that was rushing through him when he first brushes his lips against Eunhyuk’s, and he wonders what exactly he is feeling now. He sees the clothes strewn all over his floor, and he shakes his head again, because that piece of clothing doesn’t look like his.
Oh God, where’s Eunhyuk?
He wonders if he has been missing out on something; he wonders if he is lacking some observation skills.
He wonders what is happening to him, because the past is slowly letting him go, and he doesn’t know to go forward, because he’s afraid.
------
Eunhyuk’s running, he’s running down the street, decked out in normal clothes.
Donghae’s probably awake, and he probably doesn’t have a single inkling how he took Eunhyuk last night.
Damn it, he’s angry. But he’s too confused to be angry.
Damn it Donghae, damn you, Eunhyuk thinks, who gave you the permission to come into my life and mess up my perfect life just like that? The sobs start escaping, and Eunhyuk finds a bench on the side of the road to stop, to pant, and to curl up and tuck his face into his knees so he can hide from this screwed up world and the person named Lee Donghae.
What love really is, Eunhyuk ponders, and he opens his mouth to emit a silent scream, clenching his fists so hard he can feel his fingernails digging into his palm, but he isn’t sure if it’s painful enough to take away his troubles, so he digs in deeper, and all it can do is to remind him of the heartbreak he felt last night.
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Donghae is sitting on the couch with his head in his hands when he hears a hesitant knock on the open front door. He lifts his head and peeks, half expecting Eunhyuk to be standing there awkwardly, gummy smile and all, and half of him wants to go forward and hug the guy, the other half is telling him not to after how he has hurt him.
He sees Sungmin smiling awkwardly instead, holding a cup with monkey clutching tightly to their mikes, and this nudges a slight smile out of Donghae, though it fades quickly, as he wonders why it is doing in Sungmin’s possession.
Sungmin makes his way uncomfortably to the couch, placing the cup on the table as he mumbles a little incoherently that Eunhyuk is used to sleeping at his room that he has brought certain personal belongings over, and Sungmin thinks that perhaps it is time to stop all this. He glances at Donghae, but Donghae is expressionless, and an inexplicable surge of anger rises in Sungmin. He raises his fist to strike Donghae, but the way Donghae just looks at him deadpan makes him want to comfort the guy, and he thinks, what a screwed life both Donghae and Eunhyuk are leading.
Donghae, tell me what you feel about Eunhyuk, Sungmin says, exhaling harshly as he lowers his fist. He listens as Donghae details his insecurities and all; he listens as Donghae narrates his past, and compares it to the present. He listens to Donghae’s fears, and his regrets, and Sungmin’s breathe hitches as he listens to what Donghae has done last night. He listens until he feels like a piece of his heart is breaking off, but he continues to listen, until Donghae runs out of steam and looks at him desperately for advice.
To sum it up, Sungmin thinks, and he looks at Donghae. Tell me how you feel about him, in summary, Sungmin prods, and Donghae releases the air he has been holding in.
Donghae mumbles incoherently, I don’t know, I don’t know, into his palms, and Sungmin figures it out. He gives Donghae a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, and he thinks at least Donghae is pretty clear how he is feeling towards Eunhyuk now. No more screwed up lifestyles right next to his room, Sungmin thinks wryly, and he manages a small smile.
Tell him how you feel, because Eunhyuk can never get angry at you, Sungmin says, and he leaves the room.
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Eunhyuk is closing the door after returning from Sungmin’s room, where the latter made him confess, when he jumps, seeing a figure sitting motionlessly on the couch in the dark, with no lights switched on. He swallows a little, and curses at himself for being a fool, a total fool when he still feels something for this person over here.
“Eunhyuk.”
There’s a silence that hangs in the room, and Eunhyuk thinks that it is possible that he has stopped breathing for a while. He waits, and Donghae turns this slightly that now the latter is facing him, and Eunhyuk doesn’t really know if he should walk to his room, or stay rooted to the ground there.
“Eunhyuk,” Donghae repeats, as he stands up to make his way carefully to the frozen figure at the door.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Donghae continues, and he takes in the wary eyes Eunhyuk shoots at him as he takes a step closer. He takes in the stiff form Eunhyuk adopts, and he raises his hands till they are in front of his chest, and Eunhyuk’s gaze follows them.
“For last night, I wasn’t sure what I was doing.” Donghae states softly, and he wills Eunhyuk not to bolt; he tries to tell Eunhyuk to stay with his eyes, but Donghae sees something shifts inside Eunhyuk’s eyes, and he shoots a hand to grab Eunhyuk before the latter can run.
Eunhyuk is trying to run, to escape to his room, but Donghae’s grip is tight on his hand, and no matter how he tries to wrestle himself out of it, he just can’t. He remembers the strength Donghae used last night and Eunhyuk thinks he starts to crumble, and he repeats, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, and he doesn’t know what he is doing anymore as his vision starts to blur. He pulls hard, and his hand slips out of Donghae’s grasp, and he starts to move, away.
“No Eunhyuk! Don’t be stupid.” Donghae exhales harshly and catches the other, pulling him into an embrace. This is coming out the wrong way, going down the wrong way, and everything’s a mess, Donghae thinks, and why is he so harsh now when he’s supposed to be gentle to regain Eunhyuk’s trust? He feels Eunhyuk’s heart thudding uncontrollably under his palm, and his heart just smirks and teases him, are you any different from that guy who dumped you that time, treating others like this?
Wrong, Donghae thinks, and he stares into those eyes in front of him, and it makes him ache that he made someone like Eunhyuk undergo something like this.
No wonder Eunhyuk bought headphones to block out the noises, not that he couldn’t stand the noise, but he couldn’t stand how his heart was breaking when Donghae is doing some girl outside his room. No wonder Eunhyuk tells him not to be so nice, because he’s just leading the other on, and he doesn’t realize this until, and only until he starts feeling something else other than friendship for the guy in his arms. No wonder Eunhyuk got so angry when he’s being used, because Donghae thinks he is such a fool, and no wonder Eunhyuk didn’t resist last night, because Eunhyuk knows what Donghae needs.
Donghae presses his lips silently against the other’s, and he feels the other freeze at the action. He’s not going to force the other, so he waits patiently there, until he feels Eunhyuk tugging his shirt closer, and those tentative arms wrapping around his waist, and Donghae doesn’t know if Eunhyuk is crying because of the memories of last night, until Eunhyuk pushes him away slightly, his eyes still shining.
“Are you sure you aren’t drunk?” Eunhyuk whispers, but Donghae feels it through the vibrations as he places his cheek right beside Eunhyuk’s, catching his breath silently.
“I’m not.” Donghae whispers back, and he clutches Eunhyuk tighter. “I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I’m feeling, but this feels, right.” He feels the sobs racking through Eunhyuk subsiding, and he holds him there, rocking slightly, and Donghae leans down slightly to press a kiss to Eunhyuk’s shoulder.
“As for last night,” Donghae continues, raising his head to look at Eunhyuk straight in the eye, “I was craving for a person’s touch.” He sees Eunhyuk shuts his eyes as he processes what Donghae just said, and Donghae realizes how wrong it seem to sound now, and he raises his hands to hold Eunhyuk’s face immobile.
“I don’t know when it started, but it did, and I want someone like you.” Donghae states, and his breath rushes by the side of Eunhyuk’s face. He leans forward to press another kiss to Eunhyuk’s quivering lips, and he closes his eyes, sighing as Eunhyuk raises his hands to settle them on his cheeks.
This should have come way earlier before last night, Donghae thinks, and he holds the man in front of him a little tighter.
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Donghae is holding Eunhyuk in his embrace as they are lying on his bed, and Donghae is talking. He talks about what happened to him in the past, he talks about his bottled up feelings, he talks about how foolish he was to know what Eunhyuk is suffering but not doing anything about it, and he talks till his throat feels a little sore. He wants to continue, but Eunhyuk looks at him quietly, and he closes his open mouth slowly.
Eunhyuk talks about how he started liking Donghae, he talks about his anger and pent-up frustration when Donghae doesn’t get all the subtle hints he is trying to convey. He talks about how dense Donghae is, and he talks about his confusion when Donghae kisses him forcefully, because he doesn’t know if he should reject it, or take it, because he’s enjoying it. As he talks, he feels Donghae’s grip curling a little tighter around him, and he lays his hands over Donghae’s, although he is still unsure of their future.
We can try this, Donghae says quietly, and Eunhyuk shakes his head.
I want this, he states, and Donghae looks down at him, and both of them break into small smiles.
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It isn’t exactly the perfect college life Eunhyuk wanted to lead.
He’s staring up at the ceiling and thinking about his thesis for his final year graduation exams. It has been rocky, and it feels like something is missing from the thesis, but he doesn’t really know what it is.
There’s a small knock on his door, and Eunhyuk lifts his head hesitantly, to spot Donghae smiling widely from the door. He waves the latter in, and Donghae crawls in right beside him, lifting the blanket lightly to lay it properly over the both of them. They end up staring at each other instead, and Eunhyuk marvels at how Donghae has changed over the span of three years, and the fact that they are still together, for some reason.
He smiles as Donghae lifts a palm to caress his cheeks, and he leans into the touch, closing his eyes. There’s some shuffling, and Eunhyuk smiles when Donghae presses a light kiss onto his nose, and he likes the way how Donghae rearranges himself until both of them are tangled, and he is unable to wake up and walk off properly without waking the other too. He never told Donghae about this, but something tells him that Donghae knows how he is feeling, which results in Donghae sneaking into his room every now and then.
It isn’t the perfect college life Donghae wanted, as well, Eunhyuk knows, but as he opens his eyes to stare right into the other’s, feeling the smooth rhythm of Donghae’s heartbeat under his hand, he thinks perhaps it has worked out somehow, that two imperfect lives come together to form a perfect completion.