Rediscover the flashing streetlights
Title: Rediscover the flashing streetlights
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Haehyuk
Ratings: R
Summary: It’s not how skilled one is, Eunhyuk is trying to say, but how the person feels on the trip, going with it, swinging along; it’s the atmosphere, the vibrancy of the scene that makes the difference.
A/N: for fishydotlove's birthday, I'm so sorry it's so late ):
The air is still, he swears he can almost feel the particles of air vibrating against each other; because the silence in the room is so great he can almost sense it pressing down on him, so huge that it, instead, becomes a high-pitched buzzing sound and it fills his ears, all the way in, into his mind. He listens, listens some more, and the pitch increases drastically, it almost feels like it’s trying to suffocate him.
He takes in one jagged mouth of air, inhaling deeply without knowing that he has been holding his breath previously.
The silence is broken; the high frequency sound is gone, and he sits up to lean against the headboard, fisting his hands further into the messy blanket, half of it on the floor, half of it over his body.
Donghae isn’t going to deny that he isn’t nervous; thoughts are flooding his mind at such a high speed he swears his brain can almost burst with the anxiety running forth. He turns his head slightly and glances at the clock on the hotel’s nightstand. It’s silent, but the red blinking lights put some rhythm and a sense of serenity in his life, and for that he’s slightly grateful.
He wonders where the other is at, and he fidgets slightly as he recounts on what has just happened.
2.30am, an unearthly hour to be awake, and Donghae roughly calculates; it has been about an hour and a half since the both of them stumbled into this hotel room too concerned about each other rather than the time and the expense. He kicks his legs out slightly as he wonders if he was good enough just now.
He glances at the scattered clothes around the bed and sighs heavily, running his hand through his mob of hair that is so tangled he barely gets the whole palm through.
“Hey.”
Donghae snaps his head up so quickly he almost feels a crack threatening to burst through this quiet suffocating hold. He smiles wanly, nervously, as Eunhyuk makes his way towards him, holding two glasses of red wine. He sees the other already clad comfortably in a bathrobe, and for some reason he feels ashamed of his lack of clothes, that he is underdressed, that he should probably put on a bathrobe too-
“Here.” Eunhyuk murmurs, offering one glass of red wine as he sits softly onto the space on the bed beside Donghae, tucking his legs underneath the blanket. Donghae feels the heat emanating from Eunhyuk’s legs, and he dares to move his own closer, trying to suppress the urge to press against and tangle them together. He sees Eunhyuk swirl the glass and take a small, measured sip, and he quickly follows, taking a gulp.
He chokes, not expecting the wine to run down his throat like that and leave a fiery blaze in its trail. He wonders if it’s an age thing, like you are supposed to know how to drink wine once you are an adult, but it’s not like Eunhyuk’s very much older, he’s about 5 years older, 24 years of age.
“You okay?” Eunhyuk asks, and Donghae hears the concern in his voice. He wonders at it, he questions it; they have only met at the café four hours ago, stranger to stranger, meeting each other because there weren’t enough seats available, forcing the both of them to share. Donghae speculates , he wonders why he is here; he’s supposed to be on a trip, a trip that he has sworn to taken before college starts, so that he can start afresh, anew, forget about his past and search for his heart, which has gone on another trip around the world without him.
He’s fighting so hard against society, fighting to reach the top, fighting to beat others, fighting to achieve the best and make his parents proud of him and everything. He thinks he has managed to do what his parents wanted; he got into a top university, one of the best courses available in the whole of Korea, and his portfolio is impressive enough to have scholarship boards knocking on his door. But somehow, this isn’t him; he’s tired, he’s sick and tired of this, but he cannot stop, he can only take a break, and that’s all.
“Yeah,” Donghae stutters, secretly making a face as he places the glass of red wine gently on the nightstand. He closes his eyes and leans against the headboard, his right arm slightly pressing against Eunhyuk’s left, but somehow it’s just more of a touch to Donghae, nothing more.
“You know…” Eunhyuk starts, and Donghae opens his eyes, making them into slits to glance at Eunhyuk. Eunhyuk stops, swallowing his mouthful of wine and Donghae watches the Adam apple bob, and he entertains the thought of pressing his lips against it, and then he wonders why he hasn’t done it previously.
“What’s your name, again?” Eunhyuk asks softly, and Donghae closes his eyes, feeling a little tired to keep them open. He leans his head against Eunhyuk’s shoulder, feeling the rise and drop as Eunhyuk inhales and exhales, and he thinks he almost feel Eunhyuk’s heartbeat through the bones, seeping right through him, and then he realizes it’s impossible.
“Donghae.” He murmurs back, and he rolls his head forward so that his cheek is pressed to the side of Eunhyuk’s shoulder, and he inhales Eunhyuk’s scent.
“Hey Donghae,” he hears Eunhyuk whisper, and he stiffens slightly as Eunhyuk’s left hand ghost over his right hand, but Eunhyuk doesn’t seem to notice, or comment, caressing the back of his palm with the tip of his fingers.
“Donghae-ya.” Another whisper, and Donghae turns his head only to be welcomed by Eunhyuk’s lips, and suddenly his mind starts to actually work, spinning, whirling, like if he should stretch his neck up a little to actually show an aggressive response, or stay on Eunhyuk’s shoulder, passive and warm, or to move his hand to Eunhyuk’s waist to stroke the skin underneath the bathrobe, or to entwine his fingers with Eunhyuk, or-
Eunhyuk pulls away abruptly, shaking his head as he goes, and Donghae lifts his head off the firm shoulder. He tilts his head in confusion, and Eunhyuk grabs his right hand tightly, bringing it to rest on Eunhyuk’s thigh underneath the blanket, where the bathrobe has already ridden up. He feels the smooth expanse of skin as Eunhyuk rubs his hand into his thigh softly, slowly, almost as if he did not notice what he has just done.
“Donghae,” Eunhyuk starts, adjusting his position on the bed so that he is able to look straight into Donghae’s eyes, “why are you thinking so much?”
Donghae stares, he opens his mouth to reply, to formulate some kind of coherent response, but none actually come out. How does one say something like, I don’t know if you will like it, I don’t know if I’m good enough for you, into one sentence, and explain it so that Eunhyuk will not mock him, experienced, wild, and all that Eunhyuk is. He opts to shrug his shoulders, and he sees Eunhyuk’s sigh.
“Hey,” Eunhyuk says, leaning back against Donghae’s arm, “if you have a choice, let’s just say if, would you rather sit in a car with an experienced driver who is focused on driving well, doesn’t talk, doesn’t chat with you, or a driver, who is less experienced, not as good a driver, but knows when to tune the radio volume up high, sings to it, cracks his voice even if he has to, smiles at you at the end of it all, even if the car jolts and brakes abruptly from time to time?
Donghae feels the question form in the air, and he watches as Eunhyuk stretches over him, the latter’s shoulder right in front of him, as he places the wine glass on the side table. He knows what Eunhyuk is trying to say, he understands, and he watches Eunhyuk move back to his original position, he feels as Eunhyuk press his lips against the crook of his neck, kissing quietly, delicately, tenderly, and he opens his mouth to answer, but Eunhyuk lifts his head to stare at him, and he mouths “the latter” instead, and Eunhyuk nods surely.
It’s not how skilled one is, Eunhyuk is trying to say, but how the person feels on the trip, going with it, swinging along; it’s the atmosphere, the vibrancy of the scene that makes the difference. Eunhyuk is trying to tell him to relax, to not think, because sometimes, somewhere, in some situations, there’s nothing to think at all.
“Let’s try again,” Eunhyuk says inaudibly, “what matters isn’t how good you are, but this feels to me, to you, to us. You don’t need to know how well you are doing, hear me, understand, feel.”
“So why not sit back and relax, enjoy” Donghae whispers after Eunhyuk, voice an octave lower than before, and he spots the pleasantly pleased spark in Eunhyuk’s eyes, and Donghae knows Eunhyuk knows he understands.
A mess, that is the word Donghae would use to describe himself later on, as he pushes Eunhyuk into the headboard, presses him so hard, Donghae can almost feel Eunhyuk’s hip bone underneath the bathrobe, so much, that he throws his caution to the wind, kissing Eunhyuk desperately and snaking a hand underneath that robe just to feel that skin against his palm, smooth, tender, clean, everything that he has never experienced before this whole incident, but wanted it.
Pressing his lips against the bobbing Adam apple as Eunhyuk gasps, once, twice, Donghae tugs at the sash holding the bathrobe together, and he pulls back slightly to watch as it comes undone, and he watches as Eunhyuk comes undone for him, hearing the slight growl Eunhyuk emits as he pulls Donghae back right to him, holds him so tight against himself, and Donghae cannot help it, he’s moving to the beat of Eunhyuk’s rhythm, heartbeat, as he continues to leave trails of kisses down on Eunhyuk’s skin, moving further down, and down.
He vaguely remembers hearing Eunhyuk murmuring his name, encouraging him to continue on as Donghae sinks his teeth lightly into the area right below his navel, remembers Eunhyuk tugging his hair, filled with so many knots, and he feels Eunhyuk threading his fingers through, almost tugging at his scalp, jerking, once, and Donghae bites a little more intently than before. He remembers Eunhyuk pushing his head down, almost as if he wants to etch Donghae into his skin, as he drags the rough surface of his tongue across the hips, savouring the taste, the musk, the intensity in the room, and he can’t help but to suck fervently right at that spot, lingering in the moment when Eunhyuk shudders, how Eunhyuk feels to him.
Entwining his left hand with one of Eunhyuk’s, pressing down against it, he imagines himself as a painter, dragging their fingers down, across Eunhyuk’s body, painting various imaginary images, with occasional open-mouthed kisses thrown in from time to time. It’s almost like worshipping someone, Donghae thinks this is how it would feel to actually worship a body, and give it enough attention to claim that it’s actually how much he feels. He watches as Eunhyuk’s eyes slide shut at a particular movement, head tilted back, and he repeats it, and watches as Eunhyuk gulps, and he resists the want to kiss Eunhyuk’s neck whole day long.
“No more,” Eunhyuk is gasping, as Donghae is kissing the center of his palm sensually, and Donghae swears he hears a moan from Eunhyuk, but it doesn’t matter how it used to mean so much to him, because he’s about to implode, explode, combust as Eunhyuk drags him up to look right into his eyes. He sees the darkened eyes, the desire that used to be hidden beneath those dark circles, so prominently displayed now, and Donghae leans forward in an attempt to capture Eunhyuk’s lips between his own.
“No more,” Eunhyuk is saying as he stops Donghae halfway, “I’m about to blow up with this much of pent-up desire in me, get right down, straight to it,” Eunhyuk states breathlessly, and Donghae hears Eunhyuk’s breath hitch as Donghae complies, pushing Eunhyuk’s body, almost like a toy, into the mattress, so deeply, and Eunhyuk is blindly reaching for him, and Donghae remembers smiling against those lips before he actually starts moving, remembers their lips disconnecting as Eunhyuk throws his head back at the sensation, and Donghae goes with the flow.
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Donghae throws his arms across the bed, feeling the warmth seep into his skin as he kicks his feet underneath the blanket. Opening one eye slowly, he spots the sun shining brightly outside the hotel room. The clock informs him that it is almost eleven in the afternoon, and Donghae sits upright, clutching his head as a wave of vertigo hits him.
“Are you alright?”
Donghae turns his head in that direction, and he manages a smile as he spots Eunhyuk sitting at the table in the balcony. He stands up, putting on his boxers and his long-sleeved shirt as a sort of compromise to join Eunhyuk, who is already properly dressed, preparing his cup of coffee. He walks over and leans against the side of the wall of the balcony, watches as Eunhyuk drops in one cube of sugar neatly into the black liquid, none spilling forth, and then stirring it slowly, coolly. Donghae sits in the opposite chair, and Eunhyuk pushes a cup of coffee towards him.
Donghae takes a sip, and he wonders how Eunhyuk knows he take his coffee with this bit of milk, because it feels like how he would do it, if he had to prepare one for himself. He lifts his head to stare at Eunhyuk, but the latter is observing the scenery, breathing in the aroma of the coffee. Donghae shrugs silently to himself, and he takes another sip, enjoying the comfortable silence between them.
“I guessed, by the way,” Eunhyuk mentions all of a sudden, and Donghae throws him a small glance, watching as Eunhyuk nods towards the cup of coffee he is holding in his hands, warming him up.
“Well, you guessed correctly.” Donghae states, and he traces the sharp, defined jawline Eunhyuk possesses with his eyes. Eunhyuk nods once, and places his cup of coffee on the table between them.
“I’m getting married, actually,” Eunhyuk says quietly, and Donghae freezes a bit, staring as Eunhyuk mindlessly swirls his own cup, even though he hasn’t added anything else into it. How is he supposed to respond to that? He knows what happened last night belonged to the past, to then, to the past Eunhyuk and Donghae, but popping this out of the blue isn’t the note Donghae planned to finish this morning on.
He wonders if Eunhyuk is waiting for his congratulations, his best wishes, or his silent acceptance, or his refusal at the news. He’s unsure of what Eunhyuk wants from him now, because going either way isn’t going to help Donghae with his own emotions.
“You don’t have to say anything, you know,” Eunhyuk continues, his smile crinkling the sides of those eyes a little, and Donghae has the feeling that Eunhyuk is always pre-empting him, knowing what to say, what to do beforehand, has his exact plan mapped out, his life, in detail, stepping along the way precise, and sure.
“Because someday, we all have to conform to what society expects from us, don’t we?” Eunhyuk questions, and Donghae listens to him describe how his fiancée actually looks like, how she behaves, how her character is, but Donghae notes the bitter smile that hangs on Eunhyuk’s lips, and he almost forgets how they look like when Eunhyuk smiled genuinely at him last night. He listens silently as Eunhyuk continues his avid description, emotionless, and Donghae shuts his eyes as he listens; he almost wishes shutting his eyes can equate to shutting out all the voices in the world, so he can think, make a decision, and wonder if one day he has to rise to his parents’ expectations of finding a girl to settle down with as well, achieving a great career, money, fame, reputation, and everything else except what he really wants.
“I like you,” Donghae catches it as it slips out of Eunhyuk’s mouth, and he opens his eyes to watch Eunhyuk’s gaze. It’s friendly, a bit protective, more of an elder brother watching his younger brother grow right in front of his eyes, mixed with slight regret of what could have possibly happened between them if they allow it to continue, and Donghae drops Eunhyuk’s gaze as he shifts his to the snaking lines of cars outside the hotel, moving like a snail, honking.
This is what reality actually feels like, Donghae thinks, and he looks as Eunhyuk grabs a cigarette, placing it in between his own lips, but not lighting it up. Ironic, not ironic, contrasting, conflicting, Donghae feels confused, because Eunhyuk showed him that it is possible for him to change what they want to feel, yet he is saying that it’s impossible to change what they want to change.
They sit there for a little while longer, and Donghae wonders at the ‘what ifs’, at the possibilities and prospects of what could have happened between them, and he catches himself before he falls.
He hears the unspoken murmur from Eunhyuk’s words, that he doesn’t want to fall, that he wants to be able to stand in this society and how everyone has to learn to adapt to this, smoking but not really smoking, drinking yet not really wanting to drink, and Donghae decides to not talk about it anymore.
When they are preparing to part ways at the entrance of the hotel, Donghae notices that Eunhyuk has forgotten his coat, probably having left it at the pub they were at yesterday, too engrossed in each other than paying the tab properly and collecting their belongings. He shrugs wordlessly out of his own, and hands it over to Eunhyuk, proffering it.
Eunhyuk stares at him, eyes unreadable, yet he doesn’t make any move, or any indication that he is about to accept the offered coat. Instead, he ducks his head down to look at the pavement under his feet, before raising his head to look at the sky, and back to Donghae.
“Keep it, your coat,” Eunhyuk murmurs, and nods at Donghae.
“Goodbye.” And Eunhyuk starts walking away, in the opposite direction.
It’s after a while that Donghae remembers that he is standing in a busy street in the middle of Seoul, instead of just purely, plainly watching the shadows of someone walking further away from him, someone who taught him, who let him learn through different ways Donghae has never understood sometimes.
He thinks about his scholarships, his college, his decisions, and he decides to just go with the flow, that he himself will be the one who makes college life enjoyable, that he will not regret his decisions because of how he can act.
Picking up his luggage, Donghae starts to walk.
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A/N 2: ALY I WROTE IN YOUR HIP FETISH.
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Haehyuk
Ratings: R
Summary: It’s not how skilled one is, Eunhyuk is trying to say, but how the person feels on the trip, going with it, swinging along; it’s the atmosphere, the vibrancy of the scene that makes the difference.
A/N: for fishydotlove's birthday, I'm so sorry it's so late ):
The air is still, he swears he can almost feel the particles of air vibrating against each other; because the silence in the room is so great he can almost sense it pressing down on him, so huge that it, instead, becomes a high-pitched buzzing sound and it fills his ears, all the way in, into his mind. He listens, listens some more, and the pitch increases drastically, it almost feels like it’s trying to suffocate him.
He takes in one jagged mouth of air, inhaling deeply without knowing that he has been holding his breath previously.
The silence is broken; the high frequency sound is gone, and he sits up to lean against the headboard, fisting his hands further into the messy blanket, half of it on the floor, half of it over his body.
Donghae isn’t going to deny that he isn’t nervous; thoughts are flooding his mind at such a high speed he swears his brain can almost burst with the anxiety running forth. He turns his head slightly and glances at the clock on the hotel’s nightstand. It’s silent, but the red blinking lights put some rhythm and a sense of serenity in his life, and for that he’s slightly grateful.
He wonders where the other is at, and he fidgets slightly as he recounts on what has just happened.
2.30am, an unearthly hour to be awake, and Donghae roughly calculates; it has been about an hour and a half since the both of them stumbled into this hotel room too concerned about each other rather than the time and the expense. He kicks his legs out slightly as he wonders if he was good enough just now.
He glances at the scattered clothes around the bed and sighs heavily, running his hand through his mob of hair that is so tangled he barely gets the whole palm through.
“Hey.”
Donghae snaps his head up so quickly he almost feels a crack threatening to burst through this quiet suffocating hold. He smiles wanly, nervously, as Eunhyuk makes his way towards him, holding two glasses of red wine. He sees the other already clad comfortably in a bathrobe, and for some reason he feels ashamed of his lack of clothes, that he is underdressed, that he should probably put on a bathrobe too-
“Here.” Eunhyuk murmurs, offering one glass of red wine as he sits softly onto the space on the bed beside Donghae, tucking his legs underneath the blanket. Donghae feels the heat emanating from Eunhyuk’s legs, and he dares to move his own closer, trying to suppress the urge to press against and tangle them together. He sees Eunhyuk swirl the glass and take a small, measured sip, and he quickly follows, taking a gulp.
He chokes, not expecting the wine to run down his throat like that and leave a fiery blaze in its trail. He wonders if it’s an age thing, like you are supposed to know how to drink wine once you are an adult, but it’s not like Eunhyuk’s very much older, he’s about 5 years older, 24 years of age.
“You okay?” Eunhyuk asks, and Donghae hears the concern in his voice. He wonders at it, he questions it; they have only met at the café four hours ago, stranger to stranger, meeting each other because there weren’t enough seats available, forcing the both of them to share. Donghae speculates , he wonders why he is here; he’s supposed to be on a trip, a trip that he has sworn to taken before college starts, so that he can start afresh, anew, forget about his past and search for his heart, which has gone on another trip around the world without him.
He’s fighting so hard against society, fighting to reach the top, fighting to beat others, fighting to achieve the best and make his parents proud of him and everything. He thinks he has managed to do what his parents wanted; he got into a top university, one of the best courses available in the whole of Korea, and his portfolio is impressive enough to have scholarship boards knocking on his door. But somehow, this isn’t him; he’s tired, he’s sick and tired of this, but he cannot stop, he can only take a break, and that’s all.
“Yeah,” Donghae stutters, secretly making a face as he places the glass of red wine gently on the nightstand. He closes his eyes and leans against the headboard, his right arm slightly pressing against Eunhyuk’s left, but somehow it’s just more of a touch to Donghae, nothing more.
“You know…” Eunhyuk starts, and Donghae opens his eyes, making them into slits to glance at Eunhyuk. Eunhyuk stops, swallowing his mouthful of wine and Donghae watches the Adam apple bob, and he entertains the thought of pressing his lips against it, and then he wonders why he hasn’t done it previously.
“What’s your name, again?” Eunhyuk asks softly, and Donghae closes his eyes, feeling a little tired to keep them open. He leans his head against Eunhyuk’s shoulder, feeling the rise and drop as Eunhyuk inhales and exhales, and he thinks he almost feel Eunhyuk’s heartbeat through the bones, seeping right through him, and then he realizes it’s impossible.
“Donghae.” He murmurs back, and he rolls his head forward so that his cheek is pressed to the side of Eunhyuk’s shoulder, and he inhales Eunhyuk’s scent.
“Hey Donghae,” he hears Eunhyuk whisper, and he stiffens slightly as Eunhyuk’s left hand ghost over his right hand, but Eunhyuk doesn’t seem to notice, or comment, caressing the back of his palm with the tip of his fingers.
“Donghae-ya.” Another whisper, and Donghae turns his head only to be welcomed by Eunhyuk’s lips, and suddenly his mind starts to actually work, spinning, whirling, like if he should stretch his neck up a little to actually show an aggressive response, or stay on Eunhyuk’s shoulder, passive and warm, or to move his hand to Eunhyuk’s waist to stroke the skin underneath the bathrobe, or to entwine his fingers with Eunhyuk, or-
Eunhyuk pulls away abruptly, shaking his head as he goes, and Donghae lifts his head off the firm shoulder. He tilts his head in confusion, and Eunhyuk grabs his right hand tightly, bringing it to rest on Eunhyuk’s thigh underneath the blanket, where the bathrobe has already ridden up. He feels the smooth expanse of skin as Eunhyuk rubs his hand into his thigh softly, slowly, almost as if he did not notice what he has just done.
“Donghae,” Eunhyuk starts, adjusting his position on the bed so that he is able to look straight into Donghae’s eyes, “why are you thinking so much?”
Donghae stares, he opens his mouth to reply, to formulate some kind of coherent response, but none actually come out. How does one say something like, I don’t know if you will like it, I don’t know if I’m good enough for you, into one sentence, and explain it so that Eunhyuk will not mock him, experienced, wild, and all that Eunhyuk is. He opts to shrug his shoulders, and he sees Eunhyuk’s sigh.
“Hey,” Eunhyuk says, leaning back against Donghae’s arm, “if you have a choice, let’s just say if, would you rather sit in a car with an experienced driver who is focused on driving well, doesn’t talk, doesn’t chat with you, or a driver, who is less experienced, not as good a driver, but knows when to tune the radio volume up high, sings to it, cracks his voice even if he has to, smiles at you at the end of it all, even if the car jolts and brakes abruptly from time to time?
Donghae feels the question form in the air, and he watches as Eunhyuk stretches over him, the latter’s shoulder right in front of him, as he places the wine glass on the side table. He knows what Eunhyuk is trying to say, he understands, and he watches Eunhyuk move back to his original position, he feels as Eunhyuk press his lips against the crook of his neck, kissing quietly, delicately, tenderly, and he opens his mouth to answer, but Eunhyuk lifts his head to stare at him, and he mouths “the latter” instead, and Eunhyuk nods surely.
It’s not how skilled one is, Eunhyuk is trying to say, but how the person feels on the trip, going with it, swinging along; it’s the atmosphere, the vibrancy of the scene that makes the difference. Eunhyuk is trying to tell him to relax, to not think, because sometimes, somewhere, in some situations, there’s nothing to think at all.
“Let’s try again,” Eunhyuk says inaudibly, “what matters isn’t how good you are, but this feels to me, to you, to us. You don’t need to know how well you are doing, hear me, understand, feel.”
“So why not sit back and relax, enjoy” Donghae whispers after Eunhyuk, voice an octave lower than before, and he spots the pleasantly pleased spark in Eunhyuk’s eyes, and Donghae knows Eunhyuk knows he understands.
A mess, that is the word Donghae would use to describe himself later on, as he pushes Eunhyuk into the headboard, presses him so hard, Donghae can almost feel Eunhyuk’s hip bone underneath the bathrobe, so much, that he throws his caution to the wind, kissing Eunhyuk desperately and snaking a hand underneath that robe just to feel that skin against his palm, smooth, tender, clean, everything that he has never experienced before this whole incident, but wanted it.
Pressing his lips against the bobbing Adam apple as Eunhyuk gasps, once, twice, Donghae tugs at the sash holding the bathrobe together, and he pulls back slightly to watch as it comes undone, and he watches as Eunhyuk comes undone for him, hearing the slight growl Eunhyuk emits as he pulls Donghae back right to him, holds him so tight against himself, and Donghae cannot help it, he’s moving to the beat of Eunhyuk’s rhythm, heartbeat, as he continues to leave trails of kisses down on Eunhyuk’s skin, moving further down, and down.
He vaguely remembers hearing Eunhyuk murmuring his name, encouraging him to continue on as Donghae sinks his teeth lightly into the area right below his navel, remembers Eunhyuk tugging his hair, filled with so many knots, and he feels Eunhyuk threading his fingers through, almost tugging at his scalp, jerking, once, and Donghae bites a little more intently than before. He remembers Eunhyuk pushing his head down, almost as if he wants to etch Donghae into his skin, as he drags the rough surface of his tongue across the hips, savouring the taste, the musk, the intensity in the room, and he can’t help but to suck fervently right at that spot, lingering in the moment when Eunhyuk shudders, how Eunhyuk feels to him.
Entwining his left hand with one of Eunhyuk’s, pressing down against it, he imagines himself as a painter, dragging their fingers down, across Eunhyuk’s body, painting various imaginary images, with occasional open-mouthed kisses thrown in from time to time. It’s almost like worshipping someone, Donghae thinks this is how it would feel to actually worship a body, and give it enough attention to claim that it’s actually how much he feels. He watches as Eunhyuk’s eyes slide shut at a particular movement, head tilted back, and he repeats it, and watches as Eunhyuk gulps, and he resists the want to kiss Eunhyuk’s neck whole day long.
“No more,” Eunhyuk is gasping, as Donghae is kissing the center of his palm sensually, and Donghae swears he hears a moan from Eunhyuk, but it doesn’t matter how it used to mean so much to him, because he’s about to implode, explode, combust as Eunhyuk drags him up to look right into his eyes. He sees the darkened eyes, the desire that used to be hidden beneath those dark circles, so prominently displayed now, and Donghae leans forward in an attempt to capture Eunhyuk’s lips between his own.
“No more,” Eunhyuk is saying as he stops Donghae halfway, “I’m about to blow up with this much of pent-up desire in me, get right down, straight to it,” Eunhyuk states breathlessly, and Donghae hears Eunhyuk’s breath hitch as Donghae complies, pushing Eunhyuk’s body, almost like a toy, into the mattress, so deeply, and Eunhyuk is blindly reaching for him, and Donghae remembers smiling against those lips before he actually starts moving, remembers their lips disconnecting as Eunhyuk throws his head back at the sensation, and Donghae goes with the flow.
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Donghae throws his arms across the bed, feeling the warmth seep into his skin as he kicks his feet underneath the blanket. Opening one eye slowly, he spots the sun shining brightly outside the hotel room. The clock informs him that it is almost eleven in the afternoon, and Donghae sits upright, clutching his head as a wave of vertigo hits him.
“Are you alright?”
Donghae turns his head in that direction, and he manages a smile as he spots Eunhyuk sitting at the table in the balcony. He stands up, putting on his boxers and his long-sleeved shirt as a sort of compromise to join Eunhyuk, who is already properly dressed, preparing his cup of coffee. He walks over and leans against the side of the wall of the balcony, watches as Eunhyuk drops in one cube of sugar neatly into the black liquid, none spilling forth, and then stirring it slowly, coolly. Donghae sits in the opposite chair, and Eunhyuk pushes a cup of coffee towards him.
Donghae takes a sip, and he wonders how Eunhyuk knows he take his coffee with this bit of milk, because it feels like how he would do it, if he had to prepare one for himself. He lifts his head to stare at Eunhyuk, but the latter is observing the scenery, breathing in the aroma of the coffee. Donghae shrugs silently to himself, and he takes another sip, enjoying the comfortable silence between them.
“I guessed, by the way,” Eunhyuk mentions all of a sudden, and Donghae throws him a small glance, watching as Eunhyuk nods towards the cup of coffee he is holding in his hands, warming him up.
“Well, you guessed correctly.” Donghae states, and he traces the sharp, defined jawline Eunhyuk possesses with his eyes. Eunhyuk nods once, and places his cup of coffee on the table between them.
“I’m getting married, actually,” Eunhyuk says quietly, and Donghae freezes a bit, staring as Eunhyuk mindlessly swirls his own cup, even though he hasn’t added anything else into it. How is he supposed to respond to that? He knows what happened last night belonged to the past, to then, to the past Eunhyuk and Donghae, but popping this out of the blue isn’t the note Donghae planned to finish this morning on.
He wonders if Eunhyuk is waiting for his congratulations, his best wishes, or his silent acceptance, or his refusal at the news. He’s unsure of what Eunhyuk wants from him now, because going either way isn’t going to help Donghae with his own emotions.
“You don’t have to say anything, you know,” Eunhyuk continues, his smile crinkling the sides of those eyes a little, and Donghae has the feeling that Eunhyuk is always pre-empting him, knowing what to say, what to do beforehand, has his exact plan mapped out, his life, in detail, stepping along the way precise, and sure.
“Because someday, we all have to conform to what society expects from us, don’t we?” Eunhyuk questions, and Donghae listens to him describe how his fiancée actually looks like, how she behaves, how her character is, but Donghae notes the bitter smile that hangs on Eunhyuk’s lips, and he almost forgets how they look like when Eunhyuk smiled genuinely at him last night. He listens silently as Eunhyuk continues his avid description, emotionless, and Donghae shuts his eyes as he listens; he almost wishes shutting his eyes can equate to shutting out all the voices in the world, so he can think, make a decision, and wonder if one day he has to rise to his parents’ expectations of finding a girl to settle down with as well, achieving a great career, money, fame, reputation, and everything else except what he really wants.
“I like you,” Donghae catches it as it slips out of Eunhyuk’s mouth, and he opens his eyes to watch Eunhyuk’s gaze. It’s friendly, a bit protective, more of an elder brother watching his younger brother grow right in front of his eyes, mixed with slight regret of what could have possibly happened between them if they allow it to continue, and Donghae drops Eunhyuk’s gaze as he shifts his to the snaking lines of cars outside the hotel, moving like a snail, honking.
This is what reality actually feels like, Donghae thinks, and he looks as Eunhyuk grabs a cigarette, placing it in between his own lips, but not lighting it up. Ironic, not ironic, contrasting, conflicting, Donghae feels confused, because Eunhyuk showed him that it is possible for him to change what they want to feel, yet he is saying that it’s impossible to change what they want to change.
They sit there for a little while longer, and Donghae wonders at the ‘what ifs’, at the possibilities and prospects of what could have happened between them, and he catches himself before he falls.
He hears the unspoken murmur from Eunhyuk’s words, that he doesn’t want to fall, that he wants to be able to stand in this society and how everyone has to learn to adapt to this, smoking but not really smoking, drinking yet not really wanting to drink, and Donghae decides to not talk about it anymore.
When they are preparing to part ways at the entrance of the hotel, Donghae notices that Eunhyuk has forgotten his coat, probably having left it at the pub they were at yesterday, too engrossed in each other than paying the tab properly and collecting their belongings. He shrugs wordlessly out of his own, and hands it over to Eunhyuk, proffering it.
Eunhyuk stares at him, eyes unreadable, yet he doesn’t make any move, or any indication that he is about to accept the offered coat. Instead, he ducks his head down to look at the pavement under his feet, before raising his head to look at the sky, and back to Donghae.
“Keep it, your coat,” Eunhyuk murmurs, and nods at Donghae.
“Goodbye.” And Eunhyuk starts walking away, in the opposite direction.
It’s after a while that Donghae remembers that he is standing in a busy street in the middle of Seoul, instead of just purely, plainly watching the shadows of someone walking further away from him, someone who taught him, who let him learn through different ways Donghae has never understood sometimes.
He thinks about his scholarships, his college, his decisions, and he decides to just go with the flow, that he himself will be the one who makes college life enjoyable, that he will not regret his decisions because of how he can act.
Picking up his luggage, Donghae starts to walk.
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A/N 2: ALY I WROTE IN YOUR HIP FETISH.