Numb
Title: Numb
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Eunhyuk/OC
Ratings: PG13
Genre: Severe angst
Summary: If an idol is supposed to cheer up his fans, and bring joy to every single soul out there, then who is the idol, for an idol?
Perhaps it will feel better if the blood flows.
Perhaps it will feel better if I can no longer feel anything.
Perhaps it will be better when I'm cold, emotionless, expressionless.
Because I'm numb.
Picking up the knife slowly, Eunhyuk admires the glint of light reflected in the blade.
I wonder how sharp a knife can feel, when my senses are already null and dead.
He remembers just one image in his mind, the image of them together, while he watched in the shadows, blending himself so perfectly with the dark that it seemed as if he was a natural. Seeing them so intimate together, as if they are supposed to be together, and the way they fit each other so seamlessly, it never fails to surprise Eunhyuk how dumb he can get, how stupid, how blind he can get. Those smiles exchanged between them, the innocent brushes of hands at times, he wonders how much he can ignore at this rate. He mentally curses himself for being so unobservant; for them to reach such a stage, he must have been lied to for nearly a few months.
And even though Eunhyuk knows, that he is the official boyfriend of the other, he has never attained such a close and intimate stage with the other before. And it makes him wonder, if he still has a heart, if his senses are still functioning, if he is so blind and deaf to the world that he did not see this coming.
He confirms it with one accurate slash down his wrist.
He sees rivulets of blood streaming down like snakes writhing all over his upper arm, but somehow, he is too bothered to care. Or rather, too blank to even think.
He sees the knife that is stained with blood in his hands, but he doesn't feel the pain that it has just caused. Perhaps his mind can only focus on one matter at a time, the pain that his heart was emitting every single second, as cracks appeared, and he can feel it, shattering piece by piece, dropping piece by piece, and he knows it will continue, until it is no more, until it ceases to exist, as if it has never been there before.
What is enough?
When is it enough?
How will it be ever, ever enough?
He brings that object down on his wrist again, trying to get some more confirmation. He notes down that he doesn't feel it, when he sees another blood vessel burst right into front of his eyes, but he doesn't care, he doesn't want to stop, because there is something so fascinating about the blood running down his hands, as if they are gushing out from him, escaping from within him, silently mocking him, that even something that is created within him, detests him, and finds any single opportunity to run away from him.
He stares at his own reflection in the full length mirror that he has recently installed on his wall adjacent to his bed. He stares at the bed sheets, noticing that the red river is slowly staining them, covering them in their own colour, ruining them, or purifying them? He stares at one single photograph on his desk, carefully taking in every single face of the 13 members in it, making sure to imprint it in his mind forever, so that it will be the last thing that he remembers, that he sees. Instead of that scene, which left him crying silently to himself in the corner of the building, as his other half walks by him without even noticing him, a fake smile plastered on the other's face, to play, to act that the other is still in love with him. A facade. What a facade.
Mianhe Super Junior.
I cannot function properly with such a heart, it's killing me off, and I will pull the whole team down, together with me. One by one, we will break apart, all because of me. I will be the devious plant that takes root in the rock that holds us together, cracking it from within, breaking it bit by bit, until the rock becomes too small. And the plant doesn't really mind, because it cannot see what is going on around it, because it is too focused on growing, stronger, and taller. In my case, I'm too focused on this heartache, and nothing seems to be able to bring me out of it these days.
And thus I'm leaving you guys first.
Mianhe.
He laughs weakly at himself, as he stares down at the furious red streaks that are still running down from his wrist.
An idol....is supposed to bring joy and laughter to others, to cheer them up when they are down, to light and brighten their lives with songs and dances, and somehow, always be there for his or her fans.
But who's the idol...for me?
The idol....for an idol?
And that's the last thought he remembers he possesses, before slipping away into the darkness.
---------------------
I'm going on a hiatus.
How...do I start? I have writer's block recently, because some stuff has happened, and I find myself so emotionally upset that every single piece I wrote seems like crap to me these days. I keep on writing and deleting, writing and thrashing the whole piece later on, and I think it's unfair to you readers if I publish something that is not up to my usual standards. And the above piece was written in a very emotional mood, so it is filled with angst. It's the only thing nowadays, that I find it reasonable to even post on my livejournal.
I hate it when I feel weak like this. I'm trying so hard to escape from this dark pit, but everyday I just find myself falling deeper within. I desperately try to clutch my way out, grabbing every single corner, because hopefully there might be some ring for me to climb up, but I find none now.
And so being depressed and upset these days, the fics that come out are rubbish, and are just...they just deserved to be deleted and never to be seen again.
So forgive me for not updating the eunhae fic, which I think I have promised to finish by October. And forgive me for not continuing the two other multi-chapter fics, and for stopping my writing, until I feel like I'm able to write something that is readable. And forgive me, because I may not be able to update in time for Donghae's birthday. Although I will try my best then.
And so here I go.
To find a heart that has wandered off all by itself, that has taken a trip around a world.
And ironically, the owner doesn't know where it has gone to.
P.S. Eunhyuk didn't die in the fic above, because if you read the last line, he still remembers the last thought he has kept in mind, which suggests that he has woken up, and therefore he recalls. Someone found him? Maybe.
Wish me luck.
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Eunhyuk/OC
Ratings: PG13
Genre: Severe angst
Summary: If an idol is supposed to cheer up his fans, and bring joy to every single soul out there, then who is the idol, for an idol?
Perhaps it will feel better if the blood flows.
Perhaps it will feel better if I can no longer feel anything.
Perhaps it will be better when I'm cold, emotionless, expressionless.
Because I'm numb.
Picking up the knife slowly, Eunhyuk admires the glint of light reflected in the blade.
I wonder how sharp a knife can feel, when my senses are already null and dead.
He remembers just one image in his mind, the image of them together, while he watched in the shadows, blending himself so perfectly with the dark that it seemed as if he was a natural. Seeing them so intimate together, as if they are supposed to be together, and the way they fit each other so seamlessly, it never fails to surprise Eunhyuk how dumb he can get, how stupid, how blind he can get. Those smiles exchanged between them, the innocent brushes of hands at times, he wonders how much he can ignore at this rate. He mentally curses himself for being so unobservant; for them to reach such a stage, he must have been lied to for nearly a few months.
And even though Eunhyuk knows, that he is the official boyfriend of the other, he has never attained such a close and intimate stage with the other before. And it makes him wonder, if he still has a heart, if his senses are still functioning, if he is so blind and deaf to the world that he did not see this coming.
He confirms it with one accurate slash down his wrist.
He sees rivulets of blood streaming down like snakes writhing all over his upper arm, but somehow, he is too bothered to care. Or rather, too blank to even think.
He sees the knife that is stained with blood in his hands, but he doesn't feel the pain that it has just caused. Perhaps his mind can only focus on one matter at a time, the pain that his heart was emitting every single second, as cracks appeared, and he can feel it, shattering piece by piece, dropping piece by piece, and he knows it will continue, until it is no more, until it ceases to exist, as if it has never been there before.
What is enough?
When is it enough?
How will it be ever, ever enough?
He brings that object down on his wrist again, trying to get some more confirmation. He notes down that he doesn't feel it, when he sees another blood vessel burst right into front of his eyes, but he doesn't care, he doesn't want to stop, because there is something so fascinating about the blood running down his hands, as if they are gushing out from him, escaping from within him, silently mocking him, that even something that is created within him, detests him, and finds any single opportunity to run away from him.
He stares at his own reflection in the full length mirror that he has recently installed on his wall adjacent to his bed. He stares at the bed sheets, noticing that the red river is slowly staining them, covering them in their own colour, ruining them, or purifying them? He stares at one single photograph on his desk, carefully taking in every single face of the 13 members in it, making sure to imprint it in his mind forever, so that it will be the last thing that he remembers, that he sees. Instead of that scene, which left him crying silently to himself in the corner of the building, as his other half walks by him without even noticing him, a fake smile plastered on the other's face, to play, to act that the other is still in love with him. A facade. What a facade.
Mianhe Super Junior.
I cannot function properly with such a heart, it's killing me off, and I will pull the whole team down, together with me. One by one, we will break apart, all because of me. I will be the devious plant that takes root in the rock that holds us together, cracking it from within, breaking it bit by bit, until the rock becomes too small. And the plant doesn't really mind, because it cannot see what is going on around it, because it is too focused on growing, stronger, and taller. In my case, I'm too focused on this heartache, and nothing seems to be able to bring me out of it these days.
And thus I'm leaving you guys first.
Mianhe.
He laughs weakly at himself, as he stares down at the furious red streaks that are still running down from his wrist.
An idol....is supposed to bring joy and laughter to others, to cheer them up when they are down, to light and brighten their lives with songs and dances, and somehow, always be there for his or her fans.
But who's the idol...for me?
The idol....for an idol?
And that's the last thought he remembers he possesses, before slipping away into the darkness.
---------------------
I'm going on a hiatus.
How...do I start? I have writer's block recently, because some stuff has happened, and I find myself so emotionally upset that every single piece I wrote seems like crap to me these days. I keep on writing and deleting, writing and thrashing the whole piece later on, and I think it's unfair to you readers if I publish something that is not up to my usual standards. And the above piece was written in a very emotional mood, so it is filled with angst. It's the only thing nowadays, that I find it reasonable to even post on my livejournal.
I hate it when I feel weak like this. I'm trying so hard to escape from this dark pit, but everyday I just find myself falling deeper within. I desperately try to clutch my way out, grabbing every single corner, because hopefully there might be some ring for me to climb up, but I find none now.
And so being depressed and upset these days, the fics that come out are rubbish, and are just...they just deserved to be deleted and never to be seen again.
So forgive me for not updating the eunhae fic, which I think I have promised to finish by October. And forgive me for not continuing the two other multi-chapter fics, and for stopping my writing, until I feel like I'm able to write something that is readable. And forgive me, because I may not be able to update in time for Donghae's birthday. Although I will try my best then.
And so here I go.
To find a heart that has wandered off all by itself, that has taken a trip around a world.
And ironically, the owner doesn't know where it has gone to.
P.S. Eunhyuk didn't die in the fic above, because if you read the last line, he still remembers the last thought he has kept in mind, which suggests that he has woken up, and therefore he recalls. Someone found him? Maybe.
Wish me luck.