T-Shirt Hell's Thingy
This is kind of long, so I won't take up your whole friends page with it.
It’s a saying as old as entertainment itself, but it remains as true as it ever was. Nothing is shocking. You may disagree with that statement, citing the fact that people keep getting shocked year after year. But keep this in mind - it’s the same people being shocked every single year. Whether they’re raising a stink over Marilyn Manson, Eminem or Janet Jackson’s sweet chocolate titty, it’s the same group of douche-bags getting upset every year.
This article isn’t aimed at those people. Those people stopped reading after the title of this piece. I’m not interested in offending people that get their panties in a wad over a book about a boy wizard. To call them fish in a barrel would be an understatement. It almost seems as if they just pick something at random every year to be offended by so they can seem morally superior to others. Fuck those cunts. They aren’t worth the time I’ve already wasted writing about them.
No, this article isn’t for them. This article is for people that are at least open-minded, if not smart. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to shock people with a sense of humor. Do I go religious? For example, can I offend people with a sense of humor by writing something like "I cut off Jesus’ head, shit down his throat and fucked the bloody, shit-covered hole while spitting in the Jew God’s anus."? Did that work? No, because you’re still reading.
Do I go sexist? Would a rational person get upset if I said something like this? "I like to date-rape women in bars, go to the park afterward and do some regular rape, then go home and beat my wife for not having my dinner ready. And when she tells me dinner is ready, I hit her for correcting me in front of my dinner." Shocked yet? No, you’re still reading.
Do I go racial? Something like this. "I like to make blacks and Asians fight to the death to see which one will be the fuel for my furnace that night. Then I smack around Jew-babies just to see if I can break my dad’s ‘number of Jew-babies smacked in an hour’ record." You’re still reading, so that didn’t do the trick.
Should I combine all three? I’ll give it a shot. "I put female Mexican babies in the blender, pour them all over the floor and roll around in it while masturbating all over the Bible and the Koran." Didn’t work, did it? This is what I meant by "Nothing is shocking". There’s just nothing you can do anymore. Either people are offended by the sexual content in an episode of Save By the Bell, or they aren’t offended by anything. And if you’re still reading this, you’re the latter. There’s probably nothing I can say to offend you.
That is, unless I attack you personally. Which is what I intend to do. See, what I’ve written up to this point is vague and generalized. The Jew-babies I smacked around could’ve been anyone’s Jew-babies. Those women I raped could’ve been anyone’s sisters (incidentally, they were mine). No matter how terrible something is, if it doesn’t have a personal connection to a person, it’s probably not going to be effective. So, in an attempt to finally offend the even the most open-minded of us all, I’m going to dedicate the rest of this article to insulting INDIVIDUALS, rather than insignificant groups like women. Enjoy.
----Charlie Engels, 7, Glenridge, CO---
Charlie, your mommy and daddy haven’t told you this, but only bad boys get Leukemia.
----Brenda Kashian, 28, Twin Falls, OR----
Brenda, you can chalk it up to bad luck all you want, but eventually you’re going to have to accept that God doesn’t want you to reproduce. How many miscarriages is it going to take to convince you?
----Glen and Sarah Gilcrest, 34 & 31, Sandusky, OH----
Glen and Sarah own and operate a very successful frozen yogurt shop. Fortunately they didn’t open a "Protect our twins from kid-napping" business, because they would’ve gone belly-up in the first year.
----Cindy Klein, 23, Appleton, IA----
Marriage counseling? C’mon, Cindy. What do you think a marriage counselor is going to tell you that you don’t already know? "Chuck, you need to stop beating Cindy." You’re smarter than this.
----Marty Schmidt, 67, Pleasant Acres, FL----
I’m not going to beat around the bush Marty. Just because your wife of 40 years has Alzheimer’s doesn’t give you the right to charge your friends $20 to pretend to be her highschool boyfriend and have a go at her.
----Cody Phelps, 7 months, Ft. Worth, TX----
I know you’re only 7 months old, but seriously, what kind of loser is born with Down’s Syndrome?
----Randall Hawkins, 17, Brockton, TN----
Suicide is never anyone’s fault, but you have to admit Randall, Susie mentioned your name an awful lot in that note.
----Jorge Ramirez, 29, Santa Fe, NM----
Mexican.
----Brett Kove, 37, Palmhurst, MN----
As a foundation repair specialist Brett is responsible for keeping homes from falling apart. One thing he can’t keep from falling apart is a marriage. He has divorced 3 times in the past 7 years and currently watches 2 hours of internet porn a night. His daughter from his 1st marriage has never met him.
----Martha Forester, 41, Newsom, VT----
As an elementary school teacher, Martha loves molding young minds. You know what else she loves? Running razors across her wrists until she passes out. And although her students are only in the 1st grade, they are beginning to suspect that Mrs. Forester’s cat doesn’t "scratch her wrists up" every single Sunday.
Well, hope you enjoyed and/or were offended by that. Odds are I didn’t get to you, but don’t feel excluded. Just e-mail us your request, along with whatever medical or social problem you or a family member has, and I’ll be more than happy to insult you personally. Unless you’re gay. We’re not even going to waste our time on fags. Sleep tight, loyal readers.
It’s a saying as old as entertainment itself, but it remains as true as it ever was. Nothing is shocking. You may disagree with that statement, citing the fact that people keep getting shocked year after year. But keep this in mind - it’s the same people being shocked every single year. Whether they’re raising a stink over Marilyn Manson, Eminem or Janet Jackson’s sweet chocolate titty, it’s the same group of douche-bags getting upset every year.
This article isn’t aimed at those people. Those people stopped reading after the title of this piece. I’m not interested in offending people that get their panties in a wad over a book about a boy wizard. To call them fish in a barrel would be an understatement. It almost seems as if they just pick something at random every year to be offended by so they can seem morally superior to others. Fuck those cunts. They aren’t worth the time I’ve already wasted writing about them.
No, this article isn’t for them. This article is for people that are at least open-minded, if not smart. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to shock people with a sense of humor. Do I go religious? For example, can I offend people with a sense of humor by writing something like "I cut off Jesus’ head, shit down his throat and fucked the bloody, shit-covered hole while spitting in the Jew God’s anus."? Did that work? No, because you’re still reading.
Do I go sexist? Would a rational person get upset if I said something like this? "I like to date-rape women in bars, go to the park afterward and do some regular rape, then go home and beat my wife for not having my dinner ready. And when she tells me dinner is ready, I hit her for correcting me in front of my dinner." Shocked yet? No, you’re still reading.
Do I go racial? Something like this. "I like to make blacks and Asians fight to the death to see which one will be the fuel for my furnace that night. Then I smack around Jew-babies just to see if I can break my dad’s ‘number of Jew-babies smacked in an hour’ record." You’re still reading, so that didn’t do the trick.
Should I combine all three? I’ll give it a shot. "I put female Mexican babies in the blender, pour them all over the floor and roll around in it while masturbating all over the Bible and the Koran." Didn’t work, did it? This is what I meant by "Nothing is shocking". There’s just nothing you can do anymore. Either people are offended by the sexual content in an episode of Save By the Bell, or they aren’t offended by anything. And if you’re still reading this, you’re the latter. There’s probably nothing I can say to offend you.
That is, unless I attack you personally. Which is what I intend to do. See, what I’ve written up to this point is vague and generalized. The Jew-babies I smacked around could’ve been anyone’s Jew-babies. Those women I raped could’ve been anyone’s sisters (incidentally, they were mine). No matter how terrible something is, if it doesn’t have a personal connection to a person, it’s probably not going to be effective. So, in an attempt to finally offend the even the most open-minded of us all, I’m going to dedicate the rest of this article to insulting INDIVIDUALS, rather than insignificant groups like women. Enjoy.
----Charlie Engels, 7, Glenridge, CO---
Charlie, your mommy and daddy haven’t told you this, but only bad boys get Leukemia.
----Brenda Kashian, 28, Twin Falls, OR----
Brenda, you can chalk it up to bad luck all you want, but eventually you’re going to have to accept that God doesn’t want you to reproduce. How many miscarriages is it going to take to convince you?
----Glen and Sarah Gilcrest, 34 & 31, Sandusky, OH----
Glen and Sarah own and operate a very successful frozen yogurt shop. Fortunately they didn’t open a "Protect our twins from kid-napping" business, because they would’ve gone belly-up in the first year.
----Cindy Klein, 23, Appleton, IA----
Marriage counseling? C’mon, Cindy. What do you think a marriage counselor is going to tell you that you don’t already know? "Chuck, you need to stop beating Cindy." You’re smarter than this.
----Marty Schmidt, 67, Pleasant Acres, FL----
I’m not going to beat around the bush Marty. Just because your wife of 40 years has Alzheimer’s doesn’t give you the right to charge your friends $20 to pretend to be her highschool boyfriend and have a go at her.
----Cody Phelps, 7 months, Ft. Worth, TX----
I know you’re only 7 months old, but seriously, what kind of loser is born with Down’s Syndrome?
----Randall Hawkins, 17, Brockton, TN----
Suicide is never anyone’s fault, but you have to admit Randall, Susie mentioned your name an awful lot in that note.
----Jorge Ramirez, 29, Santa Fe, NM----
Mexican.
----Brett Kove, 37, Palmhurst, MN----
As a foundation repair specialist Brett is responsible for keeping homes from falling apart. One thing he can’t keep from falling apart is a marriage. He has divorced 3 times in the past 7 years and currently watches 2 hours of internet porn a night. His daughter from his 1st marriage has never met him.
----Martha Forester, 41, Newsom, VT----
As an elementary school teacher, Martha loves molding young minds. You know what else she loves? Running razors across her wrists until she passes out. And although her students are only in the 1st grade, they are beginning to suspect that Mrs. Forester’s cat doesn’t "scratch her wrists up" every single Sunday.
Well, hope you enjoyed and/or were offended by that. Odds are I didn’t get to you, but don’t feel excluded. Just e-mail us your request, along with whatever medical or social problem you or a family member has, and I’ll be more than happy to insult you personally. Unless you’re gay. We’re not even going to waste our time on fags. Sleep tight, loyal readers.