#91: Fix You [4/7]
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And high up above,
or down below
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‘WU-BAE TO FINALLY TIE THE KNOT THIS WINTER’
‘ANTHONY WU AND BAE YONGJOON DENY THEIR PARTNERSHIP BEING THE REASON BEHIND THEIR CHILDREN’S MARRIAGE’
‘AFTER FIVE MONTHS OF ENGAGEMENT, NATION’S ‘K-DRAMA COUPLE’ KRIS WU AND IRENE BAE ARE PREPARING FOR THE REAL DEAL’
==
Instead of going out, Tao lets Kris walk into his apartment.
And instead of having a proper dinner, Kris asks for coffee, while Tao gulps down his lukewarm mineral water down. He raises an eyebrow when Kris chuckles while they’re looking at each other. “What’s so funny?”
“Why are you drinking mineral water in your own house?”
“I like drinking mineral water at night.” Tao muses up. “Especially when it’s this warm.”
“Why don’t you drink coffee too?”
“I only drink it if I need to stay super late. Coffee influences my body like ten times heavier than anybody else who can gulp coffee even at night and still can get a good sleep.”
“So you’re saying that lukewarm water helps you to sleep?”
Tao hums. “Yeah.”
Kris’ smirk turns into a fond smile. “Adorable.”
“Disgusting.” Tao shoves the couch’s pillow against Kris’ arm. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“I just thought that since I have the advantage to be more intimate with you now,” Kris places the cup of coffee on the coffee table in front of him before he leans closer to Tao, “I should at least have a glimpse of your private life. Who knows, I might be here often.”
“You always use difficult words to talk to me. Just say ‘I want to be closer to you since we’re dating now’. What a waste of air.”
“Hmm, no.” Kris leans even closer, until the tips of their noses almost touched. It has become a secret gesture between them. “For you, I want to - I have to string up a lot of beautiful, special words.”
Tao almost gasp because of the proximity. “Be - cause?”
“Because you’re not just an ordinary part in my life.”
If it was a week ago, Tao would’ve mused up a series of mocking words because he actually despises romantic stuffs and Kris is being a red jelly pudding of mushy romance scene right now. Maybe he would’ve said ‘wow disgusting no I’m not talking to you again’ or ‘you must have made that all up huh such a playboy’. But at the moment, all Tao can think about is how the words are waking his sugar rush up again, just like how it will be everytime Kris is around.
They don’t even need to say anything. One look at Tao’s lips is all Tao needs to know what Kris wants to do at the moment, and one second pause of Tao’s breath is all Kris needs to know that Tao is letting him to do so. Thus he doesn’t waste any more second to capture Tao’s lips with his, engaging themselves in a battle of water-testing gestures, because none of them has stepped onto this kind of intimacy - sloppy, wet kisses, with hot breaths and Tao’s arms draped around Kris’ neck while Kris’ hands roam allover Tao’s back skin, under his t-shirt. Then his right arm is on auto-pilot, sneaking down below to play with the first button of Kris’ shirt, tugging on it until it pops open. He presses his palm against Kris’ broad chest as Kris pulls him closer to reduce the distance; to have more, more of what they could steal.
Kris’ heartbeat is on messy tempo, just like his own.
Just like how Tao’s life has been escalating fast lately, the night had gone from an innocent visit to a rather daring, dangerous, thrilling session. Tao, who’s pressed on the couch under Kris’ glory now, sneaks a look over his t-shirt on the floor, crumpled, next to Kris’ white dress shirt he wore straight from the office. Somehow Tao is glad that they don’t rush it to that extent because really, he wants to taste everything slowly, one by one with Kris, because if you eat a very delicious ice cream slowly, its flavor will lasts longer on your tongue. So here they are, panting, with Kris’ eyes fixed on his face while he blushes because of it.
But then, give it to Tao for the moment-wrecker.
“You’re getting married in three months, I’ve heard.”
He notices Kris holding his breath. He half regrets ever asking that but then it’s the truth of their situation right now. And he doesn’t blame Kris for being silent for the whole minute because what does he expect Kris will answer him with? ‘I’m sorry’? What does he have to be sorry for? ‘Don’t mind it’? But the whole world is shoving the fact onto his face now. ‘Yeah I am’? Not really Kris’ style.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” Tao smiles, and he knows it’s rather bitter but he can’t help it. “I just… I mean, are you okay with this, this,” he gestures at the both of them, “this thing between us, while you’re preparing for your marriage?”
Kris is still silent for a while before he speaks again. “If I could, I would’ve trade everything I have in this world,” he gently presses his forehead against Tao’s, “just to be able to throw away that marriage and have this thing between us instead.”
The words are supposed to make him smile, and even blush, but it also causes a loud, hard pang on his heart. “Why are you being so cheesy tonight though?”
“Zitao,” Kris calls softly.
“Yifan.”
“why don’t we talk about something else instead?”
“Hmm,” Tao hums, “tell me about your childhood.”
The tension on Kris’ face eventually disappears as he frowns playfully. “Sounds good.” he smirks. “But let me sit up first.”
Tao laughs as he let Kris straightens up his back. He takes the liberty to gather up their tops and throws the white dress shirt to Kris before he wears his t-shirt back. “Well,” Kris says as he starts buttoning up his shirt, “my childhood wasn’t really that amazing.”
“Liar. You must’ve had a lot of expensive toys and a lot of friends.”
“Toys, yes, but friends, not so much.” Kris shrugs. “I think my only friend when I was a kid was only Joohyun. I mean, well, there was Luhan too. You know Minseok, right?”
Tao nods. “The secretary.”
“His father was my father’s secretary, his mother was the head of the staffs at our resident. Luhan was raised by a family under my family, so it was natural that he was meant to always be under me. Which practically explains why he is my secretary and he bows at me everyday even though we’re on the same age and went to school together.” Kris sighs. “Joohyun, although our friendship was started because of our fathers’ friendship, was the only person who genuinely saw me as just… me. Just Yifan. Not the heir of Wu Enterprise whom she was told to befriend, but as Yifan who she met on her father’s visit at a friend’s house.”
“… okay then, boring.”
Kris laughs warmly. “Told you.” he leans closer towards Tao to drape an arm around Tao’s neck. “And mom… I’m thankful that I can still remember her face from my own memory, but there are not much things I remember I ever did with her because she died when I was still too little. I knew she died in a car crash from everyone’s story. I don’t remember how my father got married to another woman again, but I do remember Sehun coming to my house for the first time when I was seven. He was actually a quiet kid, but after a week, we became close. Joohyun always babied him a lot, and we always played pretend as family, me being the father, Joohyun being the mother, and Sehun as the son. Although he eventually wanted to become the father and I became the neighbor instead, while our dog Ace became the son. It’s marvelous how I still remember it quite vividly but well, it was one of my happy memories.”
Tao didn’t realize he’s smiling throughout the story. World was so simple when they were kids.
“What about you?” Kris asks. “How was your childhood?”
“Hmm, not really interesting.” Tao shrugs. “My dad kind of passed away when I was three, or four, maybe? Yeah, something like that. Mom never really told why and I didn’t really have the heart to ask her because I don’t want to make her sad. She’s already happy with her husband now, which is a very cool step father, really. He always nagged at me because I never wanted to take the monthly allowance he always forced me to take ever since I came to Seoul. What’s the point to live independently if I take allowance from him then? Anyway, mom never really stayed at one job because she has a carefree soul, maybe too much carefreeness, while step father worked at an architect entity for like ten years before he opened his own entity. They’re in Qingdao, though. I came here to work for SM Orchestra two years ago.”
“Ah, right, orchestra. Which music instruments you can play?”
“I play piano the best. Violin is my side hobby. I ever tried playing drums and I really enjoyed it a lot but I never got the time to learn more because things have become hectic since my, hmm, sixth month in the team. I play flute sometimes when I’m bored and I imagine myself as Squidward,” Tao pauses to laugh, “and I kind of tried harp but it was too delicate and I’m kind of an emotional type of musician, so it didn’t really work out.”
“Whoa. What about guitar?”
“Guitar? Who does not know how to play guitar these days? It’s too mediocre so I lost interest in it long time ago. I never really liked strings instrument except violin anyway.”
Kris sighs. “You’re so talented.”
“Not really. My friend Baekhyun can play a lot of instruments.” he suddenly feel sad remembering Baekhyun and their latest encounter.
“Anyway, you didn’t really tell about your childhood.”
“Because I don’t really remember anything interesting from it, I guess.” Tao grins. “It’s seriously blank for me. I actually ever remembered a very big white house with very spacious garden but I thought it was just an imagination I’ve made up in my mind because we never lived in such huge house after all. Yeah, mine’s more boring than yours.”
Kris chuckles. “Maybe our childhoods were too boring that fate decided to place the thrill and conflicts at our adult days.”
“Couldn’t agree more.” Tao laughs, and then almost gasps when Kris kisses the apple of his cheek out of sudden. “A-anyway,” Tao stutters, “why do you like River Flows In You so much?”
“… I don’t know. I just do.” Kris smiles in victory because Tao blushes again. “What about it?”
Tao purses his lips. “Nothing. It’s just that I passed my audition for SM Orchestra because of that song. While the audition, as everybody said when I asked around, was kind of hard. Yet I passed with a single song, a quite simple one in fact. The song has a special meaning to me ever since.” He tilts his head. “You like instrumental songs, huh?”
“Not really. I only like River Flows In You.”
“What the hell happened between you and that song actually??”
Kris is silent for a while. “The first time I heard that song was when someone played it on a piano. The person played it so beautifully. That’s… all.”
Tao frowns. “Well aren’t you such a boring young lad.”
They settle for a laugh, with Kris burying his nose on the crown of Tao’s head, while Tao caresses his index finger absentmindedly against Kris’ jaw. “There are still eight nine days for us.” Tao says out of the blue.
Kris stills. “Don’t count.”
“Eighty nine days left,” Tao says softly, “for me to have you like this.”
“Zitao,”
“Yifan.”
Both of the stare at each other.
“After three months, when we will be apart,” Tao asks in a whisper, “will you still remember what we have now?”
Kris stares right into Tao’s eyes, and Tao can see a galaxy full of stars, full of emotion, blinking back at him before Kris captures him in a kiss once more.
===
When you’re too in love
to let it go
===
Eventually, they don’t meet just on Fridays, but almost every night as long as the both of them can make it. Tao doesn’t even know how things are in such a quick pace between them. Even in movies, the main characters will hate each other at first or at least be shy and hesitate a lot before they finally hit it off. But it’s like they are too impatient to wait for the climax of the story and just skip the storyline-building parts.
Maybe it’s because they know that their time is too limited.
With Kris, everything is new for Tao. He never had someone he is so attracted to before. He never had someone he can do intimate things with before. No one has ever desired him so much like Kris does, all with that simple blink of an eye and Tao can tell that Kris is wanting him. No one has ever cradled him in their arms like Kris does whenever they’re panting from whatever kind of encounter they were doing. No one, has ever looked at him in the eyes with so much emotion, so much passion, so much hidden tales of what could be between the two of them.
Sometimes, Tao is very ecstatic with the changes in his life. It does good to his job, especially to his interpretation for romantic songs. Even Minseok is very satisfied with his newly written music sheet because ‘you’re finally not just about mellow songs anymore!’. Funny, Tao never really realized his tendencies in slow paced songs and melancholic melodies.
His life, indeed, is more colorful than before. If he usually runs his daily routines in a loop like a robot, now he has something very exciting to anticipate every night. Will he come? Will he call? Will he show up?
But at other times, he is afraid. Because nothing so good like this ever lasted for long. He already knows that this won’t last as long as he wanted it to, and even without him checking the calendars, it’s already thirty six days to go before Kris’ marriage. He finds the news one morning on a magazine, with a big printed picture on the cover; a picture of Kris and Irene doing their pre-wedding photo-shoots. Still, he’s afraid of what will happen on the big day.
Yet, what is he so afraid of? Letting go of Kris? His heart breaking into pieces even after all the expectations?
“I see someone’s missing me pretty badly.”
Tao wakes from his blank moment before he finds Kris already under the frame of his front door. Kris looks rather tired, obviously from work, but then a smile blooms on his plush lips when Tao jumps from his couch to run to him. And as Kris envelopes him in a tight embrace, he thinks that for the sake of the both of them, he shouldn’t be thinking of the upcoming future because that way he can appreciate the present more.
Maybe, just maybe, playing pretend that they will last is so much easier to do than to accept the truth.
==
“My Peach has been looking so happy lately, hmm?”
Tao laughs over the screen of his laptop. “Yeah, I guess I am.” he says with a grin. “Especially with you calling me. Although not in the best time.”
“Well I hope Minseok will let you off just for this time because I suddenly missed you so much.”
“I miss you so much too, ma.”
His mother smiles fondly at him on the screen. “My baby Peach.” she muses.
“Duh, ma.”
“So, as you were saying, you’re having someone you’ve been seeing a lot lately. May I know who the person is?”
Tao doubts if his mother knows Kris since she has been in Qingdao for so long. “His name is Yifan. And don’t worry, he’s handsome, and…” and we’re going to break up in one month, “well, like that.”
“Yifan? Such a nice name. Is he from China too? What is his family name?”
Typical parents’ question. “He’s Chinese but he was born and raised here until now. It’s Wu. Wu Yifan.” he says slowly, praying to the Heavens that his mother doesn’t have any idea who the Wus are because he might be scolded if his mother knows what has been happening to the Wus recently.
And by the suddenly horrified look on his mother’s face, Tao gulps nervously. “Ma?”
“Wu, honey?”
“Uh, yes. Just - just some ordinary name, right?”
His mother is silent for a while. “Yeah.” she whispers. “Yeah, just an ordinary name.”
==
Irene Bae comes to him on one cold afternoon in October.
Tao can’t even lie to himself that he’s not mesmerized with Irene’s beauty. The young lady is the solid proof that sometimes God spent too much effort on some of His creatures. She’s like a living porcelain doll, with pale white skin, cheeks prettied up in pinkish hue, long jet black locks resting gracefully on her shoulder, and round eyes staring calmly back at him.
“I apologize, if I came here out of sudden. I should have asked for you to meet with me outside your apartment. It’s not nice to just barge in to someone’s house after all.” Irene smiles at him politely.
“I agree, you should’ve asked me to meet you outside,” Tao can’t even look at her properly, “but it’s because you shouldn’t be here; you deserve a bigger place.”
Irene tilts her head. “Well, I’m not even that big, so I think it’s fine.” she chuckles, and whoa it sounds like a soft morning bell ringing. “Anyway, I should just get to the point because I don’t want to waste your time and mine as well.”
Tao gulps. Is it going to be like this? Is he really going to be threatened by the antagonist so he would stay away from the other main character? It’s too cliché for his liking.
“I suggest you leave Yifan.” Irene says, still gracefully even with rather cold tone.
Whoa, too cliché.
“That,” Irene adds, “if you don’t consider him as someone who is worth the fight, or if you don’t love him as much as he loves you. But if you do, if you don’t want to take him for granted - “
Wait - Yifan hasn’t even confessed his love to me like that yet!
“ - then I suggest you to prepare yourself to be selfless.”
Tao frowns, leaning back against his couch. “I don’t understand.”
“What kind of future do you think you have with Yifan?” Irene asks softly. “A future where the two of you can hold hands easily without anything standing on your path?”
“I never dared to dream such future anyway.”
“Then do you consider him as a passing moment? Do you think of him as something you just need to deal with for a while before you’re finally free?”
“Of course I don’t!” Tao exclaims. “But that’s not your business as well.”
“I’m saying this because I know Yifan loves you. So much, in fact.” Irene sighs shortly, fixing her hair. “And since he loves you too much, I know what will happen later. After our marriage, Tao, do you think he will be able to let you go just like that?”
Tao looks down over his laps. “We’ve made a deal to be on our own ways when the day comes.”
“I say it’s a nonsense.” Irene says coldly. “I don’t know about you, but Kris won’t be able to just let you go like that.”
“I won’t be able to let him go too.”
“Which is why I’m asking you if you can be selfless. Because if Kris doesn’t let you go after the marriage, and you keep giving in to him, it would be a very dangerous story. You will be a dark secret he has to hide from the whole world, Zitao.” Irene finally looks at him, and he can finally see the distress in her eyes. “And when you are faced with such option then, will you be able to be selfless and choose it? Will you be able to live as a secret, a dark one even?”
“I’m sure I told you we won’t be anything anymore once you’re married with each other.”
“And I’m sure I told you Kris won’t be able to keep his promise.” Irene’s voice rises. “I’ve been watching over you, Zitao. And I can see - “
“You’ve been what??”
“ - that you’re too attached with him, just like how he is with you. I’m sure you will keep on looking for him as well later, even after the marriage, especially when you know he’ still looking for you too.”
Tao looks away, a little bit ashamed of how much Irene’s words sounded true. “I will try to make sure I know my limits.”
“Zitao,” Irene sighs, “I think you’re missing a point here.”
“And what is it?”
“I’m not bargaining with you or telling you to do something. I’m begging, Zitao. I’m in the middle of begging on you.”
Tao’s eyes widen. “W-what?”
“I beg you not to let go of him.” Irene is the one who looks down this time. “You’re… Yifan has been so happy lately, and I found out it was because of you.” she says quietly before she looks up once more. “He finally found his happiness. And I won’t let it go away from him.”
“What, on earth,” Tao mumbles, “is there between you and Yifan actually?”
Irene observes him for a while. “Oh, you found it weird that I want you to be with Yifan instead of telling you to stay away from him.” She finally smiles. “Yifan is a brother to me. A brother I dearly love. A brother I’ve always dreamed of giving a happiness to because he has endured so much ever since he was young. And now that I’ve finally found it,” she sets her eyes on him, “I’m not going to screw it again.”
Again?
“But what makes me a little bit ashamed is that, I’m literally asking you to be his dark secret. Yet I thought, if you love him enough, you should be fine with it. But then it’s such a rude and immoral of me to ask someone to be - “
“Irene, hey,” Tao calls softly, “you’re blabbering.”
Irene looks at him, a little bit flushed, before she sighs. “I’m sorry. I don’t know any other way to tell you this. I - I wish I can cancel the wedding but - “
“But you shouldn’t because you can’t mess your parents’ expectations. I understand.” Tao smiles gently at her. “Thank you so much, Irene, for caring about Yifan so much. I understand what you mean. Our lives are already screwed after all, and I kind of have nothing to lose, so I guess, I’ll think of it for sure?”
A smile blooms on Irene’s cherry pink lips, a wide one. “You really love him that much, huh?”
“Still wondering why until now.” Tao chuckles. “But it’s kind of weird. Why do you easily accept me like this?”
“Because as I said, I’ve been watching over you,” Irene winks as she stands up from his couch, “and what I saw from you was enough for me to accept you. I’m sure Yifan is in good hands.”
Irene is on his way to the front door when Tao calls again. “I wish,”
Irene looks back.
“I wish, you can have your happiness with Sehun too.” Tao smiles.
But not to his expectation, her smile eventually fades out. “Zitao, I… I don’t mean to scare you, but,” she continues in a whisper, “I suggest you to be careful of Sehun.”
“Sehun? Why?”
“Let’s… let’s just say,” Irene bites her bottom lip, “that you wouldn’t want him to know that you exist.”
Things escalate quickly indeed.
==
“What are you thinking about?”
They’re laying on Tao’s bed, staring at the ceiling lazily. Tao’s head rests on Kris’ chest, snuggling onto the warm navy blue wool sweater as Kris chuckles. “You look like a pup.”
“Which means I’m cute.”
“Well you are indeed. What were you thinking about?”
Tao doesn’t say anything for a while. He decides to detaches himself off Kris’ chest and rests his head on the pillow next to Kris instead. “Hey, once you’re married,” Tao starts off slowly, “are we going to separate just like that? Done, no more attachments?”
Kris stares at Tao, thousands of emotions swirling in his eyes. “Yes.”
“And that will be it?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm.” Tao nods slowly. “Is that what you really want, though?”
A short silence. “Obviously no.”
Tao smiles lazily. “Then,” he whispers, “have you ever imagined me, still meeting you after the wedding, as your, you know, your paramour? Like, the world doesn’t need to know what we do, we can still be with each other, and we - “
“So Joohyun did come.” Kris sighs heavily.
“ - can - what? Uh, n-no she didn’t.”
“You don’t need to listen to her.” Kris says as his left hand caresses Tao’s slightly messy locks. “I’m never ever going to ask you for having a secret affair with a married man. She already told me about this a long time ago, but I refused. Even if our wedding would be just a cheap opera soap and she suggested it, I still won’t ask you for such thing. I can’t… I can’t do that to you.”
Tao looks up at him, determined.
“You can.”
“Zitao,”
“Yifan.”
“if we really end up like that, we won’t be truly happy, don’t you think?” Kris leans closer to place his lips only a centimeter away from Tao’s forehead. “We can’t go out together, we can’t hold hands in public, I can’t come home to you every night, I can’t even call you freely, we can’t even have dinner often. If people ever find out, they will look down on you because they don’t know the real story - they can’t know the real story. I don’t want you to be tied by such a sickening affair, Tao.”
“But,” Tao counters, “at least I will be happy, even if not wholly. I would be happy just by waiting for you to come to me. I would be happy just by waiting for your call. I would be happy just by preparing you dinner because I can’t do it often. I would be happy, instead of not having you at all.”
Kris leans back to look at Tao again. He smiles, although it looks a little bit bitter in Tao’s eyes. “Being cheesy was supposed to be my part.”
“I can be a gooey mozzarella if you want.” Tao smirks, before he replaces it with a smile as well. “I think,” he says, “I love you to the point where I will do crazy things just to be able to be next to you for a few hours.”
Eyes suddenly glistening, Kris nods. “Gooey mozzarella indeed.”
“So my cheddar doesn’t need to worry about anything, okay?” Tao leans up. “We don’t need to limit our time so shortly like this. We can be selfish, you know. We can extend our luck as long as we can until that day when we really have to part. Until that day, we should take what we can have.”
Kris nods again with a gummy smile. “Sounds great to me.”
This time, Tao takes the first move to press his lips against Kris’ plush ones. Although he doesn’t hold it long enough and makes Kris pout when he leans back. “You taste like coffee. Ew.”
“You’re getting less and less tasting like cigarettes these days. Cool.”
And Kris does his part as usual.
===
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