(no subject)
There isn't much to say, really. I didn't have a reason to leave and I have no real reason to come back. It's all the same really. I guess it is one of those things: I am lonely and I wanted someone to listen to me. Someone to talk to. Someone who might or might not read this. I have been updating my private journal... but just because I think it might be funny/painful to read it about 10 years from now. Or after my death. Or whenever. I just thought it might be an interested legacy of Tara's life.
As last year and the year before, I am mentally preparing myself for Valentine's Day, because, as last year and all those years before, I have no one to celebrate it with. I will be on the way down to Oxford to live and breathe there for a while. I am not quite sure what the difference between PReston and Oxford is... I mean, I cannot pin point it. Preston has a Borders now, so why don't I hang out there? It is just not the same. I hate this town with a vengence, but I cannot help living here. It is like it's a terminal, a station where I switch busses or from train to bus. Like, I am not meant to be here. It is not my destination; I am not meant to be here. I am meant to be some place else, only that I haven't found it yet. I wonder when I'll stop running. When I'll stop hiding from the world.
It is only the pain that keeps me alive. That tells me that I am still here and I am still living in this world. It keeps me awake at night and it keeps me going through the day. It is like a thousand needles... tausend Stecknadeln, is what we call it in German. It reminds me of myself. It seems that this is all what's left of me. Like there is nothing else.
I am looking forward to Lzz's party next week. I am not sure why. First, I wanted to go, then I didn't, then I decided it might be nice after all, then I was afraid and now I am giddy. I have bought a nice sword, sharp and shiny, and it will be nice to wear it, at least for a while feel special and wonderful and courageous and all that.
I have ideas for the costume, but unlike in years past, I can no longer try and wear revealing stuff. I have, unfortunately, never managed to starve myself or, less radical, go on a working diet. I am just useless. I hate exercise and i love food - and evil combination when you want to be fit and lose weight. On the other hand, I have had enough distraction before and I don't mind that much. I'll just have to keep myself entertained at that party, pretend that I am not lonely and that I am perfectly happy with my life, the universe and everything. I'll bring some things to keep me occupied, alcohol being one of them, and some others to keep me entertained when no one else will listen to my endless whining.
I haven't got a right to whine, really, and i haven't done it publically in a while. However, it's February, and usually, my defences go down in February - when the world celebrates couples and couply things. This time, I am not sad, I am just envious and helplessly watching the things which are to come. However, I am also stronger and more poised. I can handle it - I just need to chose my weapons and my drugs, stay out of the way of ex's (Zbigniew is in Africa and there aren't many others, thank god) and just be.
I told a couple of people that I went to work this weekend because I didn't dare being on my own. So I did and although boring it kept me occupied and entertained for a while. Well, long enough to last out the day until I could go to bed. I never thought my life would be that way. You know, waiting until 11pm, then go to bed, get up at 8.30am, work until 6pm, ie when they kick you out of the museum, then the long wait until 11pm when you can finally go to bed. My life is not boring, but I don't know what to do with it. I am scared that, when I finally hand in my thesis, I will have lost the reason to walk this earth, the reason to exist. Ah, no, not quite - I'll have to last until the viva. There is no point missing the viva. I have spent five years of my life research axes and things - no point giving up five meters before the finishing line, right?