Underneath it all, Prologue (fanfic, multichapter)

[tashlliya]

Series: Eyeshield 21_____________________Pairing: Hiruma x Mamori

Title: Underneath it all, Prologue____________Author: ReiraRhapsody here, TashaHex elsewhere
Rating: T_______________________________Type: MultiChapter, Ongoing____________________Word count: 1010

Warnings: Some spoilers, NO BETA

Timeline: Deimon, sometime around Kanto

Comments

[bar_ohki]

This feels like it could be a one shot. It's pretty well written, interesting idea you're following here. I'm very pleased after reading it and very happy to say you did a great job!

However, there are a few little things I'm going to point out that bothered me.

Your erratic use of indents was kind of interesting. Most of the time I presumed it was a matter of LJ not transferring it or you just forgot to put them in. There were a handful of grammar mistakes, nothing glaring, but they were there.

Since you did construct this such that you could follow it up with another chapter, my intrigue has been perked and I happily await the next chapter.

[tashlliya]

Thank you so much!
I welcome any advice I can get. I'm working with some beta-readers to correct the mistakes so I'll post "clean" version on fanfiction.
Yeah, the plan is to do the entire song... But I'll try to make chapters "like oneshots" so it could also function separately
"Your erratic use of indents" - Nice choice of words :D I just get a bit tired when I read long sections of a story, so I tried separating story segments properly and point out different views and timelines or so... I guess I overdid it...
English not being my first language is a bit troublesome too, this sounded so much better in Croatian...
I'm still new at this but I'll do my best

[bar_ohki]

The issue with the indents was more like you forgot them than that you didn't use them right. You just always put on at the beginning of a new paragraph or line.

I'm fond of making my words witty.

And you're from Croatia!? My roommate's family is from there. I find that very awesome.

[tashlliya]

Witty is the right way, I shall try to follow it bar-sensei XD

Really? Talk about small world... hehe

[cherry_tiger]

You had some minor grammar errors, but other than that, I really liked this. I like how you even incorporated the scene in Kyoshin Poseidon and turned it into a moment where Hiruma truly took notice, or became aware of, Mamori. I look forward to reading more from you. ^^

[tashlliya]

Thank you very much!
That part of the game against Poseidon is definitely my favorite chapter. I loved their expressions, it was so funny

[dayofcaligula]

It's nice to read something lighthearted and refreshing sometimes.

Probably the one that got me a little confused was the problem in the transition of their point of views. I could tell who's thinking, but how it is executed could be better. There were also some disconnection to the object that you are trying to associate in the story. Might be how the bond between them was made, but I felt indifferent when I've read the coffee part... and like everybody else, just some grammar errors.

Well, practice makes perfect! Reading through the other comments, this could even help your English writing. Welcome to the community and may the force be with you!

[tashlliya]

Happy to be a part of the community! I'm a huge HiruMamo fan and this world should be blessed with many many HiruMamo stories...

Now, about my story... "gets serious and starts writhing notes in her little black book"

"problem in the transition of their point of views" - I'll try to do something about that... the coffee part was supposed to be transition from Mamori to Hiruma but I guess it failed

"disconnection to the object that you are trying to associate" - I'm not quite sure what I can do about that but I'll try to figure it out

"I felt indifferent when I've read the coffee part" - So I guess I should spice that up a bit

Thanks for such thorough insight, I'm new to all this so I'll do the best I can to improve the story (though my writing lacks in both skill and experience).

Practice! Practice! The force will surely guide me XD

[genius_love]

I can't wait to see what you do with everyone's advice, cause the story's off to a good start! I wouldn't be much help in giving advice, I'm not much of a fiction writer, but we have really great writers in the community. Welcome!

[tashlliya]

Thank you! I'll post Raw versions here so I can fix them trough some "brainstorming" and then upload final versions on fanfiction. I guess I still have a long way to go...