Why
Am I just so useless and devoid of any real reason to spend time with that I'm now so easily cast aside by people I care about? To be avoided, uninvolved? Do I bring so little joy to anyone that I'm not even thought of to include?
What happened? A month ago we were all happy, and I thought we had fun together, I thought we had good conversation and worthwhile times. I thought I was a good friend who tried to cheer people up and help when I could. Wasn't I? I'm lonely, I'm horribly lonely, I'm distressed and horribly depressed, and no one will even give me enough conversation to tell me why this is happening, why I'm gradually losing my few friends.
Despite that I still try to get in touch, try to spend time, but nothing happens. It all turns into "I'll get back to you" or "Maybe later" with nothing, nothing at all. Not even excuses, later. Am I just not worth it? Is there no reason to spend time with me over or with other people?
I lost someone I care about, and then immediately lost two more. I've branched out into trying to find anyone to even talk to, and I try to make the best of this by doing things for myself, but what happened? Why? I'm hurt, I'm tired, I'm bewildered, and I'm lost. I know what happened, but I thought things were better; they're not, nothing is. No one will tell me more about it, about anything. I just see everyone else enjoying each other and me at home trying desperately to cheer up about losing my friends and anyone to talk to.
Won't someone please just tell me what's happened? Is that so much to ask? Does no one want to be my friend anymore? Am I too tired and off from everything around me? Am I just too paranoid and complaint-filled to be around? Are you all trying to give me space, when it's the last thing I need, the last thing I want.
God, I'm desperate, I'm just completely knocked out by all of this and worried that I've lost my friends for reasons I'll never know, that I'll never be able to fix, nothing.
Is this what everyone really wants?
I'm going through a fucking hard time lately. Does no one even realize where I am right now? Does anyone care? After what I've done for everyone else can I just not count on some things back? Why is it that all the people I thought cared about me don't and I've just turned into this fucking leper?
Even new people are avoiding me. I was supposed to meet some girl at a movie to smoke with, she never showed up. Twice. I was supposed to meet another to play chess, nothing. Twice. Old and new friends alike I've tried to branch out to for any kind of guidance or conversation, and it still never happens.
Why am I so abandoned here? Is it just time to move on from what I thought were close friends? If that's true then I can deal with it, but I don't even know if it is. I don't know anything. Am I just some fuck, some worthless asshole?
Please just help me understand or... anything, anything at all. I feel so goddamn alone in this world, it's not right. Do I really deserve this for the mistakes I've made? For the mistakes I learned from, the mistakes I'm genuinely sorry for?
It's just not just that Briana can't stand to be around me, which has fucked up enough things in that you all seem like you'd rather just spend time with her, which seems like the norm now.
Steve, what? Did you only hang out with me to get to her? I don't mean it, you're not like that, I know you're not, but fuck, what else can I think anymore? Since we broke up, what happened to the occasional anything whatsoever? Beyond running into you once or twice when I just so happened to catch everyone together and obviously was invited because I did catch you, nothing. Not even a game of Team Fortress when you were online too. Absolutely nothing. I said shit behind your back but I didn't mean it, I was paranoid, I just needed to ramble to someone and get it out there. Above anything else I was just jealous that you had such a connection with Briana that I could never even touch. But that's it. I respect you, a lot, more than I'd probably ever point out, I take your advice with high esteem and I genuinely enjoy your company when I could get it, even if it was just a damn game of Go. Do I honestly just not even amuse you anymore with my stupid trite bullshit? Hell, I drove you across town and forced you to do a quiz once, would you even do that for me at this point? Would anyone?
And Casey, what the hell happened? Are you still upset about this Sarah shit? I can't do anything more, but even then the few times I catch you when you're not with everyone else, you obviously have something on your goddamn mind, I know you, I know you do. Is it just me? Am I just irritating now? Fuck man, if that's just it goddamn tell me and I'd just shut up about this shit. I figured we had a good friendship based on, if nothing else, that we could at least discuss bullshit around each other. I try to get you to write lyrics, to write music, I try to put a guitar in your hands for years, I try to help you out whenever I can, and what the fuck? I've treated you like a brother, and I fuck up in one major way which I can never fully repair, no matter what I do, and I'm well aware of it, and yet you do nothing but point out complaints about her and still hold a grudge to me. You don't even have the goddamn decency to 'get back to me.' Is that what I've become to you?
Briana. I can't even say anything to you. I want to be a friend. You're a great person, we all know it, and I know it can't happen, but Jesus Christ, it still hurts that I lost you, a lot still does. Did you know I've written, down, in paper, fully planned four songs since we broke up? I'd even say I think they're good. I practice every day to learn to better myself as a guitarist and lyricist so I can maybe one day tell you honestly how you made me feel. I'm getting straight A's in my courses, for just myself. I'm planning and organizing my future every day because I never want to lose someone I cared about as much as you again. But it doesn't matter, none of it does. There will never be us again. That hurts almost as much as knowing you never loved me, which still hurts far too much. It's just all gone. I don't know how you feel about it. All I know is that you don't want me around. I can deal with that, not easily, but I can. It's just everything else now, everything mounted on, where I'm second hat. Am I really just a gateway persona to the deeper Steve and Casey? I'm glad people are spending time with you, it's great, I hope you're doing well through your own struggles because of it, you've gained some good friends, probably better than they'd ever had been if we were still together, but it still feels like I've lost them because of it.
What happened to anyone hoping I was doing well?
Elise, what do I even have to say to you? As much as anyone else. I don't even know why you still even talk to me in any regard, passing or otherwise, after all this shit. You have no reason to be my friend, just as last time, and even though you went as far as to tell Casey to just avoid me before me and Briana got back together, which yes I've known about for a long time, I still trust you more than almost anyone, and I meant it that night I told you I hope you live a long and healthy life, because despite that you're crazy you really are a great person.
I'm cold, I'm hurt, I feel fucking hallow and dead. It's been like this, all of this, no matter what upsides come, for the last two(?) months. I can't do anything but sit around all day playing guitar, and avoiding getting as smashed as I can, as fucked up as I can on anything, only to hope that someone out there gives a shit what happens to me. And you don't, no one does. I go to sleep and hit my snooze button for hours on end because I can't just get up and play more guitar and try to be cheery about everything, because it's wearing me down more and more every goddamn blank, nauseating day. I am alone, I am utterly fucking alone, and no one without as much pleading as I can try has even so much as asked how I am even doing in this cold miserable fucking world.
Do I just not matter anymore to any of you after all I've done for everyone, after all we've been through?
Why the fuck has everyone turned their back on me?