My View: What I see as the Heart of the Matter

[taura_g]

The last line on drwex most excellent summation of his views is what I wonder any social community can come to some basic agreement of...

If we cannot find a way to work with each other - despite our different frameworks - to deal with an abuser and social gatherings then we have a pretty deep problem.In my LiveJournal alone (and I certainly don't have

Comments

[trowa_barton]

It is something to think about tonight.

Uh yeah

[drwex]

One person's friend could be another person's abuser.

Yeah, once I figure this out I'll be sure to say something. Right now I'm trying to hold onto the idea that we are none of us saints, while respecting the views of people who want a hard line of the "no abuser should ever be given the chance to repeat their offense on the innocent".

This is the kind of thing I've been losing sleep over. Thanks for trying to help focus discussion on the important things.

Re: Uh yeah

[taura_g]

Which is where the problem lies, isn't it? If it weren't for the fact that many abusers out there are friendly, charming people who have good friends of their own, there really wouldn't be a problem would there?

The hardline view would be very easy to take if all abusers generally came across as lowlife.

Re: Uh yeah

[drwex]

Indeed. I talked about this in my own LJ under the notion of "othering" and "monsters". There are definitely those (perhaps best represented by the_xtina) who feel an absolute hard line is necessary. For them the crime outweighs the humanity. I respect that view, though I don't agree with it

[lillibet]

I don't have a general solution

[zzbottom]

First off, where I once regularly hosted open-to-the-community parties somewhat regularly, I am now, almost certainly, not going to do that ever again. That is one sad but basic fact. I don't wish to be held responsible, directly or passively, for someone else's trauma.

As for smaller, specific-invite events, I will make sure that invitees are made aware of the proposed guest list and allow them to make their own decisions. In cases where potential conflicts or triggers arise, I'll be happy to act as intermediary to ensure that parties at odds won't coexist at my events.

[elusiveat]

I think it's really important to distinguish between public-space abusers and private-space abusers. If someone is acting inappropriately in public space, it is absolutely appropriate for a host to ask them to leave, stop inviting them, and if necessary use the force of law to eject them. The host gets to define what is inappropriate, but common decency dictates that they should in *some way* respond to distress on the part of their other guests. Hosts have a responsibility to look to the safety of their guests, and if one guest is putting other guests in danger, measures *must* be taken. There is also a responsibility of immediate witnesses to intervene as necessary

[elusiveat]

I want to say something about the error misplaced trust, but I'm not quite sure how to word it. The idea I'm grasping toward is that the *ability* to trust is both precious and fragile. So in some ways it feels like misplaced trust says something positive about a victim or would-be victim.