Is it abuse?

[taxishoes]

I've had (former) friends who turned out to be abusive to their partners. Trust me, I did not jump to that conclusion; it became very evident, and their partners eventually left them. But from that experience, I also know that it is very difficult to find information on how to approach someone who you think may be abusive, or someone who you think

Comments

[mosno]

Agreed. It's very hard to approach either person in an abusive situation. And *very* dangerous to approach the abuser about it with both the high potential for them to become confrontational and the reality that they do become physically violent - I honestly would not try it. You could do a lot more damage than good to everyone in the situation, so unless you are a trained professional - I seriously would *not* recommend it. But yes, if you are a friend of kinky so and so who is possibly just "appearing to be" abusive rather than *actually is* than #4 would be great advice, but still runs a risk of causing a hostile reaction.

Granted that this opinion comes from the unfortunate wisdom of my experience. One of my father's friends who was a 250+ lb. muscular guy tried to imply in a very good humored way that my father could talk a little less aggressively got thrown down a flight of stairs.

So seriously. If you suspect abuse. Don't try #4. Because the "you never know" part of it is *ever* so true.

[taxishoes]

Obviously, you should consider your own physical safety - but if it's a good friend of yours who you know is not violent toward you, or if it's an emotionally abusive situation you're talking about, you are probably not in danger of being thrown down a flight of stairs.

[mosno]

That's exactly my point. There's no such thing as "violent toward you". If you suspect that someone is physically violent then you need to expect that they could become physically violent towards you. Guy in my story was a good friend of the abuser who had never seen him as violent in any way but he struck just the right nerve that day and got just the same treatment as his regular victims. See my point

[tommytesto]

The thing I would worry about as far as point #4 is that the abuser would take it out on the abusee, since something clearly "got out," and the nature of the relationship is becoming evident to others.

I would feel better about passing along this list if the author's CV included more about where she has been educated, rather than who she has presented to. A list like this could be run past some trained counselors who deal with abuse every day, and that would give it far more weight.

But in general - not making assumptions about other peoples' relationships? Very good thing.