Loneliness.
1. being without company [LONE]
2. cut off from others [SOLITARY]
And that's just how I feel right about now. But this time this loneliness, this being alone of mine, it's self-inflicted. I just decided that I needed to be alone. It's not about what I want anymore. It's about what I need. I needed to be alone for a while. No companionship with any of my friends, keeping it to the minimum.
Many would wonder why I chose to be alone, when being alone is one of the most horrible experiences a person, especially me since I am a person who craves company, can feel. The mere thought makes my heart palpitate. My eyes water and again, I try to bit my lip to keep in the tears. Loneliness hits hard for me, since I've always been rather 'alone'. My childhood friends seem to be non-existent. My immediate family wasn't even in my age group for me to have companionship; both my brother and sister are way, way older than me. More than a decade apart, definitely.
My cousins, although they are in my age group, live in Manila. Now, how's that for some bonding?
I never really had friends in elementary, even in kindergarten and pre-K. My parents describe me as a very good girl, who'd rather watch TV or read a book instead of playing outside. Perhaps that explains my current obesity and ultra fair skin that resembles paper at worst? My bloodline is of Filipino and Spanish descent, yet I can't tan to save my life (I just turn red and BURN.)
Ah, now I'm rambling.
Back to the topic. Why I chose to be alone.
My life seems to be coming to a stand-still in this moment. Everything seems too rushed, too smeared and blurred for me to understand. I've finally come to the conclusion that I am a horrible person. I'm a bully. I'm a BITCH, excuse me for swearing.
I lack the tact. I lack sensitivity. I lack the ability to JUST SHUT UP.
These, and many things more I need to change. Because I've hurt too many people and caused too much grief for myself and others, when life could be so much more simple, if only I hadn't said that, if only I hadn't done that.
That is why, I must be alone, even for a moment. Being alone allows you to think, because you have no one else to keep your attention busy.
I need to think. I need to reevaluate who I am, and the person I want to be. I need to CHANGE.
As 2PM's mini-album title, it's TIME FOR CHANGE.
2. cut off from others [SOLITARY]
And that's just how I feel right about now. But this time this loneliness, this being alone of mine, it's self-inflicted. I just decided that I needed to be alone. It's not about what I want anymore. It's about what I need. I needed to be alone for a while. No companionship with any of my friends, keeping it to the minimum.
Many would wonder why I chose to be alone, when being alone is one of the most horrible experiences a person, especially me since I am a person who craves company, can feel. The mere thought makes my heart palpitate. My eyes water and again, I try to bit my lip to keep in the tears. Loneliness hits hard for me, since I've always been rather 'alone'. My childhood friends seem to be non-existent. My immediate family wasn't even in my age group for me to have companionship; both my brother and sister are way, way older than me. More than a decade apart, definitely.
My cousins, although they are in my age group, live in Manila. Now, how's that for some bonding?
I never really had friends in elementary, even in kindergarten and pre-K. My parents describe me as a very good girl, who'd rather watch TV or read a book instead of playing outside. Perhaps that explains my current obesity and ultra fair skin that resembles paper at worst? My bloodline is of Filipino and Spanish descent, yet I can't tan to save my life (I just turn red and BURN.)
Ah, now I'm rambling.
Back to the topic. Why I chose to be alone.
My life seems to be coming to a stand-still in this moment. Everything seems too rushed, too smeared and blurred for me to understand. I've finally come to the conclusion that I am a horrible person. I'm a bully. I'm a BITCH, excuse me for swearing.
I lack the tact. I lack sensitivity. I lack the ability to JUST SHUT UP.
These, and many things more I need to change. Because I've hurt too many people and caused too much grief for myself and others, when life could be so much more simple, if only I hadn't said that, if only I hadn't done that.
That is why, I must be alone, even for a moment. Being alone allows you to think, because you have no one else to keep your attention busy.
I need to think. I need to reevaluate who I am, and the person I want to be. I need to CHANGE.
As 2PM's mini-album title, it's TIME FOR CHANGE.