Change... really?
So, just over this past week I've had a roller coaster of emotions, in fact, it's been kinda up and down and all around ever since moving back home from college.
One thing I've been disgusted with the most... is what I hear from my friends. Them saying that I've "changed." Not a good change mind you, but it's been a bad change. When I came back, apparently I had this aura about me where, as some of my friends have put it, I'm arrogant, cocky, dickwad, fucker, tactless, etc, but basically an all around "Better than thou" attitude. And they blame my move... and my college... for this change. And I get responses like "Dude, I don't what happened to you while you were there. But something about Portland or your college changed you and you've been a dick."
Now, granted, even just last night I was told that I've "gotten better" since I've moved back. But even just the reminder of it kinda put me off. And I find myself replaying their words in my head all over again and it hurts, honestly.
I don't feel like I've changed much, or at least to the extent they are placing me in. Everybody changes, even my friends have in the short 9 months I was gone. I never, under any circumstances, thought that I was better than my friends in any way shape or form. Unless it was about cooking, to which I -try- to joke about with, but even then I do my best to remain humble. Everyone in this world has a great dish they can make and I think that's awesome, I can't beat that. I didn't go to Culinary School to cook better than anyone or brag about it to people or try and go around any kind of system. I went because I was fascinated about cooking. I worked in restaurants and pizza places and I felt dumb sometimes. Yea, I could handle the shifts... but what the hell was the food doing while it was cooking? Or what kind of possibilities are out there for these ingredients... in fact... what ARE these ingredients? Or how can I make this at home or even modify it for home cooking? This was a passion I got into in High School and have delved in since.
So let me go back to a year ago and give some insight to what all happened...
I got to a stale point in my life where I felt I had no goals and was stuck in a day to day rut and I wanted a change. So, I decide college. I thought about the local colleges like SLCC or the U or even the new Art Institute that recently opened up here. If I did SLCC, I would have had definitely a cheaper tuition, but they only teach out of books there and I'd have to commit about 3,000 hours in the industry before getting their degree. The AI would have me a full two years at around $40,000 estimate for their Assoc. Degree. And I didn't look too much into the universities here just from what I had looked into already. Then I went back to the first School I checked out while I was in my senior year. Western Culinary Institute in Portland, Oregon offered a Le Cordon Bleu Diploma for roughly $22,000 and/or a full Assoc. Degree for roughly $40,000 all in roughly 15 months. Every time I looked at this college, everything kept popping out at me to do it. I was in a day to day rut, this would DEFINITELY take me out of that. Putting me into a brand spanking new environment I've never been in, plus going to a Le Cordon Bleu school, on top of that which is IN the Pacific Northwest Region where seafood runs a muck along with restaurants/street carts in general. This school had what I needed at the time... and I took the biggest leap of faith in my life so far... and I went to it.
It was scary. I mean, I had problems getting to work on time in general and even trying to get up before 10am was a chore. How was I to manage getting up at 5:30am 5 days a week? X.x I knew no friends out their beforehand and I was leaving all my roots behind in Utah. I was already juggling with debt and bills, but I was lucky enough to transfer my job to the restaurant in Portland, so I was at least content with that. So I packed up my little Focus with my life, parted ways with my roommates and my friends and left. That was one of the hardest drives I ever had to make.
Anyways, I did manage to make a friend beforehand and I was able to crash at his place for a month while I did the whole house hunting search thing and explore the area and get used to the new transfer to the restaurant here. I got a place, got unpacked, got into the groove of things a little and then I started college. Woo-fucking-hoo!!! =D
I had a fucking immense, ultimate, knowledgeable, invigorating and nerve-wracking experience there and I wouldn't change a thing. I pretty much ran a perfect attendance with straight A's, was part of clubs, getting gold stars, acing tests, gaining knowledge, getting access to resources, meeting several others who loved cooking, and attending volunteer programs as well as free seminars and getting to meet a few big names in this industry. This was a drastic change of person than who I was in high school. I basically sluffed an entire third of my year there and was pulling Cs and Ds with a few As in some classes because I didn't care. I was arriving late to work because I had no passion or care there as well. But here... whoa! How did I manage to do this well at college and still handle my job... all while doing much better at both than I had before? Easy. I had to either nut up or shut up, and boy did I nut up! I was -very- proud of myself. I admit, I got kinda dull with things nearing the end of my schooling and I pulled one B and one C because of some attendance issues. (Which were a big deal. 3 days absent and you were dropped from the class. But I still aced the tests and skills. I got a 96% on my final exam! Only two others got higher than me!) But I never let it pull me completely down because I couldn't allow myself to come this far... and just flicker out. I returned home and completed my internship and just recently have recieved my Diploma... which needs to be framed. Hehe.
Now to deal with these changes I've gone through...
I had to change in college. I do admit. I was in a crowd of VERY arrogant and cocky mother fuckers that thought they were the toughest shit in the kitchen or had more passion about food than anyone else. I wasn't one of them. I was very timid and unsure of myself. I hear people talking about food stuff... and I'm at a loss between all these sauces, stocks, vegetables, methods, skills and I feel dumb and embarrassed because alot of these folks talk about amazing dishes they love and can cook... while I'm happy and content with my Kraft Mac & Cheese and my Taco Bell. I was intimidated, but then I recalled back to a phrase one of my friends gave me before I left. "Ren, when you get out there, you got to find the biggest, meanest, and ugliest looking guy you can find... and fucking punch him in the balls then and there. Show them you can't get walked on." While not the exact words... that's how I remember the phrase basically.
So while I didn't punch anyone in the balls, I showed others that I wasn't to be pushed around. I did my homework, I did my shit, I whipped my cream and reduced my sauces, I did my Mise en Place. all while also handling a job as well. I had some people be rude to me, but I had a great deal of others who respected me and asked for my help. I got praise from my instructors, especially my Butcher Shop Instructor when I got a 99.3% in his class. Through all that, I did manage to get a nickname from my classmates. It started off as me being silly in roll call in class one day with a new instructor. He called my name and I corrected him by saying my name was pronounced "Captain Amazing." It stuck with me, even today. I still have a few classmates text me and cal me that. And you know what, you're damn right I was hella proud of myself. So when I hear about those guys in class who "Didn't have time to study." I fucking laughed on the inside and I went about with a broad grin, proudly wearing my gold stars. Half of these people didn't even have a job and talk about how they got shit faced over the weekend or stoned the night before. All of these bullshitters around me, and I, the inexperienced and once timid guy, was showing them up. Yea, I still made mistakes, some bad ones even. I got into some tears in class before because I screwed things up. But the fact I was able to overcome them and strive on to get that A and prove to myself that I could... that's what I was proud of the most.
Through my interactions with fellow students, I also developed more of a "blunt" personality. What you see in me is what you get. I was an open book and I didn't care about hiding myself away. I was fully comfortable with myself and who I was. I didn't care if others didn't like me or my personality. Honestly, if they don't wish to give me the time of day or even a civil presence... then fuck you. I'm not here to make -you- happy. I'm here for myself, first and foremost. If you wanna be friends along the way, I'm totally down with that and I'd love to go hang out and dance at a club or bar with you. If you were my friend and you pissed me off, I'd let you know but I'd remain civil during class to get stuff done. I even had a few friends who admired and praised me for this feature I have. This is the largest attitude change I could think of.
So when I came home to visit during my spring and summer breaks, I guess I brought that blunt personality back. I was in such a secure environment that I created for myself in college... that when I came back to here, I acted the same as I did there. I didn't like to take shit, and I voiced my opinions more, and I grew tired of people who beat around the bush instead of facing a situation directly. In a sense, with the formality I achieved for myself, I seem to have lost some tact along the way. So I apparently came off as offensive on more than one occasion, unintentionally.
And with that, I've had my friends get upset with me. I felt bad that I was hurting them and was trying to tell them over and over again that I don't feel that way. Never, and I mean NEVER have I EVER thought that I was better than ANY of my friends! I do not feel above them in any way! I admire and cherish every single one of them and I missed them all dearly while I was away. And I always thought about them daily and always spoke greatly of them to my classmates of the times I had, even about my vacation to FC during one of my classes. I never looked down on them when I finally came home. I do have to admit, while I missed them greatly on my side... I felt a little... off balance when I didn't feel it was returned as much. And though I did get slightly upset about it, I kept telling myself I'm overreacting. I'm back home. It's alright now.
Though, after writing alot of this... it's easier to see their side of the story. I did change, but they did as well. I don't wanna go into their details now though. But... I felt that the change I went through was one for the better for me. I mean... ever since I've been home... I just feel that all that quality I praised myself over... is slightly sheltering back up inside me and I'm afraid to let it out... because I hurt my friends with it... -_- I sometimes feel that I'm... slowly falling back into that day to day rut I was in before I went to college.
I recently also quit my catering job I had due to irreconcilable differences and standards I had from them. And since then... I've been working more as a server at my job and feeling less inclined to jump back into the kitchen. I have alot of emotions going on and it's hard to sort them out and make people understand them...
One thing I've been disgusted with the most... is what I hear from my friends. Them saying that I've "changed." Not a good change mind you, but it's been a bad change. When I came back, apparently I had this aura about me where, as some of my friends have put it, I'm arrogant, cocky, dickwad, fucker, tactless, etc, but basically an all around "Better than thou" attitude. And they blame my move... and my college... for this change. And I get responses like "Dude, I don't what happened to you while you were there. But something about Portland or your college changed you and you've been a dick."
Now, granted, even just last night I was told that I've "gotten better" since I've moved back. But even just the reminder of it kinda put me off. And I find myself replaying their words in my head all over again and it hurts, honestly.
I don't feel like I've changed much, or at least to the extent they are placing me in. Everybody changes, even my friends have in the short 9 months I was gone. I never, under any circumstances, thought that I was better than my friends in any way shape or form. Unless it was about cooking, to which I -try- to joke about with, but even then I do my best to remain humble. Everyone in this world has a great dish they can make and I think that's awesome, I can't beat that. I didn't go to Culinary School to cook better than anyone or brag about it to people or try and go around any kind of system. I went because I was fascinated about cooking. I worked in restaurants and pizza places and I felt dumb sometimes. Yea, I could handle the shifts... but what the hell was the food doing while it was cooking? Or what kind of possibilities are out there for these ingredients... in fact... what ARE these ingredients? Or how can I make this at home or even modify it for home cooking? This was a passion I got into in High School and have delved in since.
So let me go back to a year ago and give some insight to what all happened...
I got to a stale point in my life where I felt I had no goals and was stuck in a day to day rut and I wanted a change. So, I decide college. I thought about the local colleges like SLCC or the U or even the new Art Institute that recently opened up here. If I did SLCC, I would have had definitely a cheaper tuition, but they only teach out of books there and I'd have to commit about 3,000 hours in the industry before getting their degree. The AI would have me a full two years at around $40,000 estimate for their Assoc. Degree. And I didn't look too much into the universities here just from what I had looked into already. Then I went back to the first School I checked out while I was in my senior year. Western Culinary Institute in Portland, Oregon offered a Le Cordon Bleu Diploma for roughly $22,000 and/or a full Assoc. Degree for roughly $40,000 all in roughly 15 months. Every time I looked at this college, everything kept popping out at me to do it. I was in a day to day rut, this would DEFINITELY take me out of that. Putting me into a brand spanking new environment I've never been in, plus going to a Le Cordon Bleu school, on top of that which is IN the Pacific Northwest Region where seafood runs a muck along with restaurants/street carts in general. This school had what I needed at the time... and I took the biggest leap of faith in my life so far... and I went to it.
It was scary. I mean, I had problems getting to work on time in general and even trying to get up before 10am was a chore. How was I to manage getting up at 5:30am 5 days a week? X.x I knew no friends out their beforehand and I was leaving all my roots behind in Utah. I was already juggling with debt and bills, but I was lucky enough to transfer my job to the restaurant in Portland, so I was at least content with that. So I packed up my little Focus with my life, parted ways with my roommates and my friends and left. That was one of the hardest drives I ever had to make.
Anyways, I did manage to make a friend beforehand and I was able to crash at his place for a month while I did the whole house hunting search thing and explore the area and get used to the new transfer to the restaurant here. I got a place, got unpacked, got into the groove of things a little and then I started college. Woo-fucking-hoo!!! =D
I had a fucking immense, ultimate, knowledgeable, invigorating and nerve-wracking experience there and I wouldn't change a thing. I pretty much ran a perfect attendance with straight A's, was part of clubs, getting gold stars, acing tests, gaining knowledge, getting access to resources, meeting several others who loved cooking, and attending volunteer programs as well as free seminars and getting to meet a few big names in this industry. This was a drastic change of person than who I was in high school. I basically sluffed an entire third of my year there and was pulling Cs and Ds with a few As in some classes because I didn't care. I was arriving late to work because I had no passion or care there as well. But here... whoa! How did I manage to do this well at college and still handle my job... all while doing much better at both than I had before? Easy. I had to either nut up or shut up, and boy did I nut up! I was -very- proud of myself. I admit, I got kinda dull with things nearing the end of my schooling and I pulled one B and one C because of some attendance issues. (Which were a big deal. 3 days absent and you were dropped from the class. But I still aced the tests and skills. I got a 96% on my final exam! Only two others got higher than me!) But I never let it pull me completely down because I couldn't allow myself to come this far... and just flicker out. I returned home and completed my internship and just recently have recieved my Diploma... which needs to be framed. Hehe.
Now to deal with these changes I've gone through...
I had to change in college. I do admit. I was in a crowd of VERY arrogant and cocky mother fuckers that thought they were the toughest shit in the kitchen or had more passion about food than anyone else. I wasn't one of them. I was very timid and unsure of myself. I hear people talking about food stuff... and I'm at a loss between all these sauces, stocks, vegetables, methods, skills and I feel dumb and embarrassed because alot of these folks talk about amazing dishes they love and can cook... while I'm happy and content with my Kraft Mac & Cheese and my Taco Bell. I was intimidated, but then I recalled back to a phrase one of my friends gave me before I left. "Ren, when you get out there, you got to find the biggest, meanest, and ugliest looking guy you can find... and fucking punch him in the balls then and there. Show them you can't get walked on." While not the exact words... that's how I remember the phrase basically.
So while I didn't punch anyone in the balls, I showed others that I wasn't to be pushed around. I did my homework, I did my shit, I whipped my cream and reduced my sauces, I did my Mise en Place. all while also handling a job as well. I had some people be rude to me, but I had a great deal of others who respected me and asked for my help. I got praise from my instructors, especially my Butcher Shop Instructor when I got a 99.3% in his class. Through all that, I did manage to get a nickname from my classmates. It started off as me being silly in roll call in class one day with a new instructor. He called my name and I corrected him by saying my name was pronounced "Captain Amazing." It stuck with me, even today. I still have a few classmates text me and cal me that. And you know what, you're damn right I was hella proud of myself. So when I hear about those guys in class who "Didn't have time to study." I fucking laughed on the inside and I went about with a broad grin, proudly wearing my gold stars. Half of these people didn't even have a job and talk about how they got shit faced over the weekend or stoned the night before. All of these bullshitters around me, and I, the inexperienced and once timid guy, was showing them up. Yea, I still made mistakes, some bad ones even. I got into some tears in class before because I screwed things up. But the fact I was able to overcome them and strive on to get that A and prove to myself that I could... that's what I was proud of the most.
Through my interactions with fellow students, I also developed more of a "blunt" personality. What you see in me is what you get. I was an open book and I didn't care about hiding myself away. I was fully comfortable with myself and who I was. I didn't care if others didn't like me or my personality. Honestly, if they don't wish to give me the time of day or even a civil presence... then fuck you. I'm not here to make -you- happy. I'm here for myself, first and foremost. If you wanna be friends along the way, I'm totally down with that and I'd love to go hang out and dance at a club or bar with you. If you were my friend and you pissed me off, I'd let you know but I'd remain civil during class to get stuff done. I even had a few friends who admired and praised me for this feature I have. This is the largest attitude change I could think of.
So when I came home to visit during my spring and summer breaks, I guess I brought that blunt personality back. I was in such a secure environment that I created for myself in college... that when I came back to here, I acted the same as I did there. I didn't like to take shit, and I voiced my opinions more, and I grew tired of people who beat around the bush instead of facing a situation directly. In a sense, with the formality I achieved for myself, I seem to have lost some tact along the way. So I apparently came off as offensive on more than one occasion, unintentionally.
And with that, I've had my friends get upset with me. I felt bad that I was hurting them and was trying to tell them over and over again that I don't feel that way. Never, and I mean NEVER have I EVER thought that I was better than ANY of my friends! I do not feel above them in any way! I admire and cherish every single one of them and I missed them all dearly while I was away. And I always thought about them daily and always spoke greatly of them to my classmates of the times I had, even about my vacation to FC during one of my classes. I never looked down on them when I finally came home. I do have to admit, while I missed them greatly on my side... I felt a little... off balance when I didn't feel it was returned as much. And though I did get slightly upset about it, I kept telling myself I'm overreacting. I'm back home. It's alright now.
Though, after writing alot of this... it's easier to see their side of the story. I did change, but they did as well. I don't wanna go into their details now though. But... I felt that the change I went through was one for the better for me. I mean... ever since I've been home... I just feel that all that quality I praised myself over... is slightly sheltering back up inside me and I'm afraid to let it out... because I hurt my friends with it... -_- I sometimes feel that I'm... slowly falling back into that day to day rut I was in before I went to college.
I recently also quit my catering job I had due to irreconcilable differences and standards I had from them. And since then... I've been working more as a server at my job and feeling less inclined to jump back into the kitchen. I have alot of emotions going on and it's hard to sort them out and make people understand them...