Open Letter
To: Every-fucking person in the current version of my universe
From: Me
Date: December 20th, 2009, 5am
Re: Your version of "helping"
You know I love you all. Deeply and with all my heart. However we directly interact in our lives, I know you are important to me or you would not be in my life. With everything that has gone on these last several years, if you can see this then you are assured we are working together in some way to build a future of some kind, and thus you are deeply important to me. Sadly, I feel a strong need to address an issue that has gone on too long.
See, you insist on a misguided effort to "lower my stress" or "not over-burden you". In this effort you have made a consistent choice to not be upfront with me about what you actually require to continue to function and move forward on a path we have both agreed to. Instead you repeatably make the decision to withhold for me vital pieces of information, which you rightly assume will make my life more difficult in that moment. You do this with the deepest and best intentions, often completely unconsciously, and no doubt with the best interests of everyone involved held firmly in your heart.
I need you to stop doing that now. The old adage "it's the thought that counts" aside, this behavior is not only not helping, but it is actively increasing my stress and probably yours as well. Possibly not just adding to it, but raising to some sort of power of 10.
It is vital that you resist this urge. You know what I'm talking about. The urge you have to not bother me, the urge to simply deal with something in a manner that you believe minimizes your emotional or mental impact on me. The urge to read from my expressions and mannerisms some sort of psychic agreement to your unspoken need, thus removing from you actually having to voice that need to me directly with your actual voice while I am actually listening.
The urge comes from a place of love. You wish the best for me, I know this. I wish the best for me as well. However, you will need to understand that nearly 40 years of experience living as me has clearly demonstrated that no single scrap of good ever comes from trying to reduce your impact in my life, or from withholding information, observations, or needs. Being in someone's life means impacting them. Attempting to circumvent this basic law of nature results in catastrophic realignment, the likes of which no one will agree are "better".
You are worried about how busy I am now, or how it will effect my health. At this very moment you are coming up with faint traces of reasons for why you cannot possibly do what I am asking. Please understand, I am not asking. For you this is a new lesson, but for me this is the oldest lesson I know. Withholding from a loved one things that you believe will bother or upset them is never for the best. Like with war, much carnage will come of it, no matter the original intention.
I understand that it is very daunting, being honest and upright with me, particularly opening your mouth to give voice to opinions with which you think I may disagree. I understand that I represent a powerful force in the life around me, and that is often seems there are many other more important things I must be doing. Truly, I asking you again to trust me when I say having to work around your lack of information will be much much more work than whatever disaster you fantasize is at the end of the two sentences you are trying so hard not to say. You can't honestly believe it won't come out at some point. We both know it will.
When I am sick, or when the store is busy, or when some other life crisis comes along, clearly it is difficult to decide to put your issues in my focus and ask for whatever it is you require. But you must trust me that I have learned my lessons as well, and that I will only devote the resources I believe I have, and that I have learned effective boundaries. You must understand that when you make this decision for both of us, you not only withhold the information I may need to act appropriately, but you also deny both of us the recognition of the time, energy, and effort that was required to learn these life lessons.
Treat both of us with respect and love, even when that means doing something hard and uncomfortable. You cannot remove the stress from life without making it no longer life. Attempting to try is like teaching a dog to read....only the one that gets annoyed isn't the dog.
Thank you, and I love you very much
-Me