Stand up comedians on wrestling and wrestlers...
I was on 420chan today and someone made a post on what it would sound like if stand up comics talked about wrestling in their routines. Even if you don't watch wrestling, you might still find this funny!
Mitch Hedberg:
I wanna be a wrestling manager, but I don't want to manage. I just wanna bug the hell out of the guy. "Hey man, you should put on some pants. Stop hugging the dude. Why are you jumping out here? It is not very intelligent. It is why it is called suicide."
Richard Pryor:
I was invited backstage to meet those WWF wrestlers when I was up in new york filming a movie. I walked into the backstage area and straight away this big motherfucker named the err iron sheik comes up to me and says "YE ALLAH IT IS MY BROTHER THE RICHARD PRYOR. I HAVE PRESENT FOR YOU MY FRIEND". Now i'm just standing there thinking what the fuck and this arab motherfucker grabs my hand and starts taking me towards the locker room. Now I don't know if this guy is gonna try and fuck me or what but I just go with it. When we get to the locker room, I swear to god, this guy takes down his pants and shits out the biggest fucking ball of cocaine I have ever seen. I mean, shit, I thought it was a bowling ball.
Chris Rock:
So I was watching the TV one day and flipping through channels when I saw that wrestling is on. Now I know people are all like "OMG it's fuckin' fake! Why would you watch that shit Chris?" but that's besides the point. I see these 2 big black guys who are acting all gangsta and shit walk down to the ring called Cryme Tyme thinking they're the 2 Live Crew. You got this one nigga JTG who makes Snoop Dogg look like Flava Flav with this "Money Money Yeah Yeah" bullshit and I'm just thinking to myself, "IS THIS NIGGA CRAZY?" If he acted like that in the hood, he would get his black ass shot for acting like a wanksta. "Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo What's Really Ho-BLAM!" So much for his career.
Now you got this other guy Shad, he's your stereotypical thug who looks like he'll jump outta of nowhere and fuck yo ass up! Nigga please, I could take my gun out and bust a cap in his ass and he'd run away like a little bitch. I think prison would be a better environment for him than WWE since prison rape is more of his thing since as the stereotype goes, Black intimidating man=prison rape. It's funny how he likes to say it's his time now. His time for what? His time to shut the fuck up? His time to go to KFC and eat 5 Double Downs with a nice large grape soda? His time of the month to pick up his food stamps? His time of the month to throw a party and get wasted by smoking menthols and drinking 40s?
If I were them, I'd take my career to somewhere else like the rap industry. They sure love wankstas!
George Carlin:
Vince McMahon is not into all the words. Vince McMahon would rather you didn't use all the words. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven words that you can't say in the WWE. What a ratio that is, 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. That's what they told us they were, remember? "That's a bad word!" You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say in the WWE? Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Chris Benoit, Randy Savage, TNA, wrestlers, and fans. Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep WWE from winning the Monday Night war. Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Chris Benoit, Randy Savage, TNA, wrestlers, and fans! And fans doesn't even belong on the list! It's such a friendly sounding word, isn't it? It sounds like a nickname. Hey, Fan, come over here and meet Fen. No wait, I know, it's a snack! Introducing Nabisco Fans! You can get cheese fans, onion fans, pizza fans, sesame fans, and tater fans. Betcha can't eat just one! That word does not belong on the list. Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but I can understand why some of them are there. I can understand why Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan are on the list, those are heavyweight champions. And they're harsh words too. They have all those K sounds. Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan. Calling someone Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan is like assaulting them. TNA... actually I think you can say TNA in WWE now, but nobody wants to! And let's not forget Chris Benoit and Randy Savage. The reason that Chris Benoit and Randy Savage are on the list is because a long time ago, some video package producers said "I have no problem using Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan, but CB and RS are right out!" Which led to stupid sentences such as "Hulk Hogan defends the title against the Slim Jim guy!" And of course, the word wrestlers. I think the word wrestlers is an important word. Wrestlers are the beginning of wrestling, yet if you call someone a wrestler it's an insult. Someone wiser than me said "I'd rather have my son see a wrestling program where two wrestlers wrestle than where two sports-entertainers sports-entertain." I'd take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word "wrestler" for "championship" in all those promos. "No, Owen, you're not going to take the wrestler from me! Our match is a non-wrestler match!" Those are the seven words you can never say in the WWE, under any circumstances. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even clinically. You cannot even weave them in on the WWE Universe forums. It's just impossible. Forget those seven. They're out. But there are some two-way words, those double-meaning words. The ones that made you giggle like sixth graders. Like Warrior. "Chavo Guerrero's last name is Spanish for Warrior." Hahaha, you said Warrior! Queering don't make the world work, hahaha! Or Angle. You can say "The Viper is LITERALLY bending the champion into a ninety-degree angle" but not "Mysterio beat Angle for the World Heavyweight Championship! Oh man, Angle carried that match." Not acceptable. And the other word that has two meanings is belt. It's okay if you do it to a hit song. Jillian can belt out a hit, but she can't hit Melina with the belt. No no, it's gotta be the "title". But even those words are okay sometimes. Those words won't always ruin your life when you say them or hear them. But Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Chris Benoit, Randy Savage, TNA, wrestlers, and fans always will, so says Vince McMahon.
Kat Williams:
The Million Dollar Man is a muthafuckin' PIMP--platnum status--gold encrusted tux, you just knew that nigga was gonna end up as a Baptist minister or some shit! I knew that Ted DiBiase was my favorite wrestler when they gave him his own nigga--what the hell were those fucked-up white people thinking giving this rich-ass muthafucka his own houseboy?! Fuckin' dressed him up like a muthafuckin' lawn jockey and everything!! YOUR NAME IS VIRGIL!!! SAY IT, V-I-R-G-I-L!!! Shit, that nigga would clean-out the Million Dollar Man's toejam--carry around his bling--what the fuck could you pay a grown-ass man to do that shit? Why that nigga never just rolled that white man--I will never understand--chisel a diamond outta that muthafuckin' belt!!! You know, there were plenty of these muthafuckas that would bring a bitch down to ringside--that proper--flossin' sexy bitches is what a pimp should do. Million Dollar Man didn't need no bitches--that nigga be HUSTLIN'!
Robin Williams:
Hey! I got an idea! Let's get two guys together and have 'em fight to see who's more of a man! Oh, you mean like gladiatorial combat? Fuck gladiatorial combat! We'll have 'em fight on top of a 4-sided platform that has ropes around it for no particular reason! Oh, you mean like boxing? Fuck boxing! We'll take off the gloves and let 'em twist each other's arms and such until they give up! Oh, you mean like MMA? Fuck MMA! We'll have 'em pick each other up and throw each other around like a pair o' big fuckin' gorillas! Oh, you mean like judo? Fuck judo! We'll make a rule where you have to hold the other guy to the ground for a couple seconds to win! Oh, you mean like amateur wrestling? Fuck amateur wrestling! We'll give 'em garish costumes and managers and microphones and have 'em make a fuckin' circus out of it!
Sam Kinison:
So I was sitting there watching wrestling one day and my wife came in, and I said to her FUCK YOU, YOU LYING SOUL-SUCKING ABUSIVE WHOOOOOOORE!!!!!! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE AND ROT IN FUCKING HHHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! (I know this one sucked but I wanted to put a break in there)
Dara O'Briain:
How was the double murder/suicide 'unexpected'? He's called the Rabid Wolverine for fuck's sake! When your proposed did his girlfriend not think 'I wonder where he got that name from? Ah well, probably doesn't matter, FUCKING HELL WHAT'RE YA DOING!?'.
Denis Leary:
Folks, I'm Irish, and I'm really proud of the fact. And in all my years doing this, I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be ashamed of my Irish heritage. But one night, I turned on Monday Night RAW, and the first guy I saw on there was -- and this is really what they referred to him as -- the first ever Irish-born champion. Get this...chalk fucking white skin, hair that's the same color as a fucking prison jumpsuit, goes by the name Sheamus, and I laughed my balls off; okay? "Sheamus"? They're really fucking going with that? Folks, do you know what "Sheamus" means in Gaelic? It means "get the shit beat out of you every day growing up", that's what it means! I mean...I know I shouldn't get angry about this, because they've done African stereotypes, they've done Canadian stereotypes, but it's obvious the writers have never been to Ireland in their entire lives. And this asshole...he looks like he was locked underground until he turned eighteen; if that happened to a real Irish person, the second he walked out his front door he'd fucking burst into flames! Jesus Christ!
Mitch Hedberg:
I wanna be a wrestling manager, but I don't want to manage. I just wanna bug the hell out of the guy. "Hey man, you should put on some pants. Stop hugging the dude. Why are you jumping out here? It is not very intelligent. It is why it is called suicide."
Richard Pryor:
I was invited backstage to meet those WWF wrestlers when I was up in new york filming a movie. I walked into the backstage area and straight away this big motherfucker named the err iron sheik comes up to me and says "YE ALLAH IT IS MY BROTHER THE RICHARD PRYOR. I HAVE PRESENT FOR YOU MY FRIEND". Now i'm just standing there thinking what the fuck and this arab motherfucker grabs my hand and starts taking me towards the locker room. Now I don't know if this guy is gonna try and fuck me or what but I just go with it. When we get to the locker room, I swear to god, this guy takes down his pants and shits out the biggest fucking ball of cocaine I have ever seen. I mean, shit, I thought it was a bowling ball.
Chris Rock:
So I was watching the TV one day and flipping through channels when I saw that wrestling is on. Now I know people are all like "OMG it's fuckin' fake! Why would you watch that shit Chris?" but that's besides the point. I see these 2 big black guys who are acting all gangsta and shit walk down to the ring called Cryme Tyme thinking they're the 2 Live Crew. You got this one nigga JTG who makes Snoop Dogg look like Flava Flav with this "Money Money Yeah Yeah" bullshit and I'm just thinking to myself, "IS THIS NIGGA CRAZY?" If he acted like that in the hood, he would get his black ass shot for acting like a wanksta. "Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo What's Really Ho-BLAM!" So much for his career.
Now you got this other guy Shad, he's your stereotypical thug who looks like he'll jump outta of nowhere and fuck yo ass up! Nigga please, I could take my gun out and bust a cap in his ass and he'd run away like a little bitch. I think prison would be a better environment for him than WWE since prison rape is more of his thing since as the stereotype goes, Black intimidating man=prison rape. It's funny how he likes to say it's his time now. His time for what? His time to shut the fuck up? His time to go to KFC and eat 5 Double Downs with a nice large grape soda? His time of the month to pick up his food stamps? His time of the month to throw a party and get wasted by smoking menthols and drinking 40s?
If I were them, I'd take my career to somewhere else like the rap industry. They sure love wankstas!
George Carlin:
Vince McMahon is not into all the words. Vince McMahon would rather you didn't use all the words. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven words that you can't say in the WWE. What a ratio that is, 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. That's what they told us they were, remember? "That's a bad word!" You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say in the WWE? Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Chris Benoit, Randy Savage, TNA, wrestlers, and fans. Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep WWE from winning the Monday Night war. Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Chris Benoit, Randy Savage, TNA, wrestlers, and fans! And fans doesn't even belong on the list! It's such a friendly sounding word, isn't it? It sounds like a nickname. Hey, Fan, come over here and meet Fen. No wait, I know, it's a snack! Introducing Nabisco Fans! You can get cheese fans, onion fans, pizza fans, sesame fans, and tater fans. Betcha can't eat just one! That word does not belong on the list. Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but I can understand why some of them are there. I can understand why Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan are on the list, those are heavyweight champions. And they're harsh words too. They have all those K sounds. Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan. Calling someone Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan is like assaulting them. TNA... actually I think you can say TNA in WWE now, but nobody wants to! And let's not forget Chris Benoit and Randy Savage. The reason that Chris Benoit and Randy Savage are on the list is because a long time ago, some video package producers said "I have no problem using Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan, but CB and RS are right out!" Which led to stupid sentences such as "Hulk Hogan defends the title against the Slim Jim guy!" And of course, the word wrestlers. I think the word wrestlers is an important word. Wrestlers are the beginning of wrestling, yet if you call someone a wrestler it's an insult. Someone wiser than me said "I'd rather have my son see a wrestling program where two wrestlers wrestle than where two sports-entertainers sports-entertain." I'd take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word "wrestler" for "championship" in all those promos. "No, Owen, you're not going to take the wrestler from me! Our match is a non-wrestler match!" Those are the seven words you can never say in the WWE, under any circumstances. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even clinically. You cannot even weave them in on the WWE Universe forums. It's just impossible. Forget those seven. They're out. But there are some two-way words, those double-meaning words. The ones that made you giggle like sixth graders. Like Warrior. "Chavo Guerrero's last name is Spanish for Warrior." Hahaha, you said Warrior! Queering don't make the world work, hahaha! Or Angle. You can say "The Viper is LITERALLY bending the champion into a ninety-degree angle" but not "Mysterio beat Angle for the World Heavyweight Championship! Oh man, Angle carried that match." Not acceptable. And the other word that has two meanings is belt. It's okay if you do it to a hit song. Jillian can belt out a hit, but she can't hit Melina with the belt. No no, it's gotta be the "title". But even those words are okay sometimes. Those words won't always ruin your life when you say them or hear them. But Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Chris Benoit, Randy Savage, TNA, wrestlers, and fans always will, so says Vince McMahon.
Kat Williams:
The Million Dollar Man is a muthafuckin' PIMP--platnum status--gold encrusted tux, you just knew that nigga was gonna end up as a Baptist minister or some shit! I knew that Ted DiBiase was my favorite wrestler when they gave him his own nigga--what the hell were those fucked-up white people thinking giving this rich-ass muthafucka his own houseboy?! Fuckin' dressed him up like a muthafuckin' lawn jockey and everything!! YOUR NAME IS VIRGIL!!! SAY IT, V-I-R-G-I-L!!! Shit, that nigga would clean-out the Million Dollar Man's toejam--carry around his bling--what the fuck could you pay a grown-ass man to do that shit? Why that nigga never just rolled that white man--I will never understand--chisel a diamond outta that muthafuckin' belt!!! You know, there were plenty of these muthafuckas that would bring a bitch down to ringside--that proper--flossin' sexy bitches is what a pimp should do. Million Dollar Man didn't need no bitches--that nigga be HUSTLIN'!
Robin Williams:
Hey! I got an idea! Let's get two guys together and have 'em fight to see who's more of a man! Oh, you mean like gladiatorial combat? Fuck gladiatorial combat! We'll have 'em fight on top of a 4-sided platform that has ropes around it for no particular reason! Oh, you mean like boxing? Fuck boxing! We'll take off the gloves and let 'em twist each other's arms and such until they give up! Oh, you mean like MMA? Fuck MMA! We'll have 'em pick each other up and throw each other around like a pair o' big fuckin' gorillas! Oh, you mean like judo? Fuck judo! We'll make a rule where you have to hold the other guy to the ground for a couple seconds to win! Oh, you mean like amateur wrestling? Fuck amateur wrestling! We'll give 'em garish costumes and managers and microphones and have 'em make a fuckin' circus out of it!
Sam Kinison:
So I was sitting there watching wrestling one day and my wife came in, and I said to her FUCK YOU, YOU LYING SOUL-SUCKING ABUSIVE WHOOOOOOORE!!!!!! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE AND ROT IN FUCKING HHHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! (I know this one sucked but I wanted to put a break in there)
Dara O'Briain:
How was the double murder/suicide 'unexpected'? He's called the Rabid Wolverine for fuck's sake! When your proposed did his girlfriend not think 'I wonder where he got that name from? Ah well, probably doesn't matter, FUCKING HELL WHAT'RE YA DOING!?'.
Denis Leary:
Folks, I'm Irish, and I'm really proud of the fact. And in all my years doing this, I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be ashamed of my Irish heritage. But one night, I turned on Monday Night RAW, and the first guy I saw on there was -- and this is really what they referred to him as -- the first ever Irish-born champion. Get this...chalk fucking white skin, hair that's the same color as a fucking prison jumpsuit, goes by the name Sheamus, and I laughed my balls off; okay? "Sheamus"? They're really fucking going with that? Folks, do you know what "Sheamus" means in Gaelic? It means "get the shit beat out of you every day growing up", that's what it means! I mean...I know I shouldn't get angry about this, because they've done African stereotypes, they've done Canadian stereotypes, but it's obvious the writers have never been to Ireland in their entire lives. And this asshole...he looks like he was locked underground until he turned eighteen; if that happened to a real Irish person, the second he walked out his front door he'd fucking burst into flames! Jesus Christ!