(no subject)
I spent the night laying in bed reading but it felt so empty and alone. I could no longer look at myself in the mirror, my fat ugly face just looked back at me and there was no one there to point out any beauty. No one to tell me the reasons why she loves me, the reasons why... Why i'm not as pathetic as I thought I was, why i'm not as worthless as I thought I was. She made me something, she made me who I am, she was all I ever knew. Everyone envied me, even my best friend.. That made me feel so good, I was actually something someone wanted to be. I was going to be a father and a good one, I promised myself they would have the life I never had, I guess that's why I feel better about letting Bianca go... they need their mother, if I can't be there. I just don't know what I should do with this mortal coil while she's gone, she was my reason for everything I did. She was the reason I got up in the morning, showered, went to work, came home, cooked dinner and spent the night close to her... so in love. She never cared how much I weighed or whether I could see or not. She saw them as small inperfections that made me perfect to her, so she says.
Sometimes I think she's just an angel that fell from heaven and heaven finally figured out she was gone and are taking her back home now, she was too pure and beautiful for this Earth.. as soiled and unpure as it is. My hands are too dirty to hold her, sin would spoil her beautiful white wings but I would give up every morning for the rest of my life if I could wake up with her in my arms and see her smile in the morning sunshine one more time... Now I wake up, cold and alone with no one to kiss my cheek and tell me it's morning, i'll never feel her hold me close and tell me in her sweet little way how much she loved me....
I sit and cry sometimes and expect the tears to run red, show all the pain I feel on the inside.
The tears don't dry, they just come without warning sometimes... this evening, I collapsed in front of the nursery door. I tried to open the door, I was reacing for the handle... but I couldn't do it. I touched the knob and fell to the floor sobbing, like there was a vicious demon on the other side waiting to devour my soul... That room frightens me. All my fears and broken dreams are built up in that room, I was so terrified when she told me she was pregnant... but then I grew so fond of the idea of having my own children. Just as God would have it, he took them away from me too. I've had many dreams of how beautiful they would be but I guess I will never know, will I. I'll never know the joy of fatherhood or of marriage, Bianca will be gone by our wedding day... she wants to hold the ceremony at the hospital. I promised her we could but it's just not the same...
All I ever wanted to do is spend my life with her...
Sometimes I think she's just an angel that fell from heaven and heaven finally figured out she was gone and are taking her back home now, she was too pure and beautiful for this Earth.. as soiled and unpure as it is. My hands are too dirty to hold her, sin would spoil her beautiful white wings but I would give up every morning for the rest of my life if I could wake up with her in my arms and see her smile in the morning sunshine one more time... Now I wake up, cold and alone with no one to kiss my cheek and tell me it's morning, i'll never feel her hold me close and tell me in her sweet little way how much she loved me....
I sit and cry sometimes and expect the tears to run red, show all the pain I feel on the inside.
The tears don't dry, they just come without warning sometimes... this evening, I collapsed in front of the nursery door. I tried to open the door, I was reacing for the handle... but I couldn't do it. I touched the knob and fell to the floor sobbing, like there was a vicious demon on the other side waiting to devour my soul... That room frightens me. All my fears and broken dreams are built up in that room, I was so terrified when she told me she was pregnant... but then I grew so fond of the idea of having my own children. Just as God would have it, he took them away from me too. I've had many dreams of how beautiful they would be but I guess I will never know, will I. I'll never know the joy of fatherhood or of marriage, Bianca will be gone by our wedding day... she wants to hold the ceremony at the hospital. I promised her we could but it's just not the same...
All I ever wanted to do is spend my life with her...