Collaboration Fic: The Long Way Home (2/4ish) Doctor/Rose
Title: The Long Way Home (2/4ish)
Authors: _thirty2flavors and goldy_dollar
Pairings: Ten II/Rose, Ten/Rose, Eleven/Rose, Eleven/River (implied). Yes, really.
Summary: After losing the Doctor, Rose sets off to find him again.
Spoilers: 2009 Specials, S5 casting.
Rating: PG
A/N: For anyone who might be wary of River Song, she plays a relatively minor role in this fic. We threw her in because Moffat implied that a little something-something would be going on in the future, but what exactly that is and how that plays out is something we’ve left in his hands to deal with in S5.
Excerpt: He'd regenerated and he'd moved on and he'd found someone else, someone who called him "sweetie" and looked at her with the same expression Rose had once worn when she looked at Sarah Jane.
( Chapter One)
He looked the same age as she did. Maybe younger, if she was honest. In another circumstance, she might have been able to get a joke out of the situation.
As it was, though, Rose Tyler was finding it hard to breathe. He'd regenerated. He'd regenerated and he'd moved on and he'd found someone else, someone who called him "sweetie" and looked at her with the same expression Rose had once worn when she looked at Sarah Jane.
Rose knew she had no good reason, no right to be angry or hurt. It could well have been years for him-decades-and even if it hadn't, wasn't that what she'd always wanted for him, whenever she'd indulged long enough to imagine it? For him to heal and to move on and to be happy?
And yet....
"River, this is my old friend Rose Tyler," said the Doctor, and Rose wondered why "old friend" felt like such an insult. "Rose, this is Professor River Song, my... ah..." He trailed off, eyeing River as though he couldn't quite come up with the appropriate noun.
"Friend," River finished for him, rolling her eyes like they were co-conspirators. "It's nice to meet you, Rose." Her smile was polite and she stuck out her hand, but Rose couldn't bring herself to do anything more than stare. “All right, then,” River said slowly, withdrawing her hand.
Rose addressed the Doctor, saying the first thing that popped into her mind, "You changed."
It was an utterly insufficient statement of the obvious, and she was all too aware that it sounded like an accusation.
"Yeah." He gave her an awkward, stilted smile. "And you! You look... older."
Beside him, River quirked one eyebrow and looked at him in disbelief.
"I feel older," Rose admitted. "God, do I feel older." Then she laughed, shrill and mirthless. "But look at you! You just get younger every time. You're like-what was that movie called? You're like Benjamin Button."
She laughed again because it was either laugh or cry and she had got very good at not contemplating things that would lead to tears.
River looked warily at the Doctor-disturbed, Rose assumed, by the raving lunatic who'd just shown up to ruin her beach date-but the Doctor's gaze was fixed on Rose, his unfamiliar eyes brimming with concern. He tentatively reached one arm out towards her, but Rose hastily pulled back out of his reach.
"Rose," he began, "what are you doing here?”
His brows furrowed and she could see him mentally going through everything he knew, trying to fit the pieces together. “All my power is up here, Rose,” he’d told her once, tapping the side of his head to emphasize his point. “The best brain in the universe.”
She had no doubt that he’d eventually work it on his own. Still, she decided to beat him to the punch. “He died," she said, doing her best to ignore the way her heart clenched at her own words. "You died."
Whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't that. His arm dropped back to his side and his eyes widened, shock and then pity creeping into his expression. "Rose..."
"About three years after you left," she continued in a raw voice. "Blew himself up 'defending the Earth.' Sounds just like you, doesn't it?"
"Rose..." The Doctor trailed off, obviously fishing for something to say. There was an awkward moment of silence, and then he said, "I'm sorry."
"Yeah." She shook her head, kicking at the sand under her feet and snorting derisively. "That's what he said."
She could feel his stare on the top of her head and she shut her eyes, fighting back the tears. She didn't want to cry, not here, not in front of this Doctor she didn't know and his "friend." She took one deep breath, and then another, trying to calm down.
It was only when she felt a hand on her elbow that her head jerked up and her eyes snapped open.
"Rose?" He was looking at her worriedly, and though she pulled her arm out of his grip she saw that glimmer of familiarity in his eyes that made her trust him implicitly no matter which face he was wearing. "Why don't we talk about this in the TARDIS, hey?"
He gestured behind him where the ship sat, and Rose looked at it skeptically. She'd always thought of the TARDIS as the Doctor's one constant, and yet there it sat, bluer than ever like he'd given it a fresh coat of paint, looking brand new. Maybe he thought his prized possession deserved a new look, too. Or maybe he just wanted to smooth over the rough, battered edges and start afresh.
The thought made Rose queasy. Out with the old...
"Rose?" The Doctor took a few slow steps back towards the TARDIS, watching her the whole time. He beckoned her forward once, and then for a moment his arm hung awkwardly in the air, as though he wasn’t sure what to do with it. Finally, he held out his hand.
"Yeah," said Rose, wondering if she sounded as exhausted as she felt. She declined reaching for his hand and walked past him and towards the TARDIS.
***
A young girl with bright ginger hair led Rose through the corridors of the TARDIS, whispering to her in soothing tones. “My name’s Amy,” said the girl. “Let’s get you a cup of tea, yeah? That’ll help.”
Rose felt something tug inside of as she remembered being in Amy’s position once upon a time. She used to be the one comforting the hysterical stranger by putting on a pot of tea. It was Jackie Tyler’s approved method, after all.
The kitchen was bright and homey, its counters white but messy, covered with sauce stains and haphazardly strewn dishes. Rose pulled out a seat at the table, practically collapsing into a chair as Amy bustled in the background. She fought a wave of exhaustion as a sudden bout of dizziness crept up on her. She could pinpoint exactly the last time she had a full night’s rest-because it had been about 15 hours before her husband blew himself up saving the planet.
It felt like a lifetime ago now.
Since then, she had worked nonstop to get the dimension cannon working again. She was so angry-so furious with him. He could he do that? Drop her with that human version of himself, promise to stay with her forever, and then go and leave her all over again?
It was easier to focus on the dimension cannon than to think about him, up there on his own, sacrificing his life and all their happiness for the sake of the planet. Because as soon as she stopped, as soon as she let herself think for even a minute, it felt like all the walls of the universe were pressing down on her. She was afraid to cry in case she never stopped.
Rose pressed shaking fingers to her eyes, fighting to hold herself together. She had accomplished what she set out to do, hadn’t she? She’d finished the dimension cannon, tracked down the TARDIS, and found the Doctor.
Only it wasn’t the right version of him. The universe, she was coming to realize, had a sick sense of humour.
“Here,” said a kind a voice, and she looked up into Amy’s warm and smiling face. The girl held out a mug of tea and Rose accepted it gratefully.
“Thanks.” She held it between her hands, fingers tracing patterns on the handle.
She recognized a chip on the mug’s rim-a remnant from a hasty crash-landing sometime after Krop Tor and before the 2012 London Olympics. The memories stung and Rose felt a sharp stab of mourning for the Time Lord version of her husband. He was gone, too.
Amy slipped into the seat across from her. “Are you all right?” she said hesitantly.
Rose mustered up a smile, but didn’t answer. Amy seemed almost blindingly young (though she couldn’t be any younger than Rose had been, when she first started travelling with the Doctor). She could read confusion in the other girl’s face, but she’d obviously seen enough strange things with the Doctor to silently accept Rose’s sudden appearance.
Outside the door, Rose could make out the snatches of an approaching conversation.
“But how long is she staying for?”
“I don’t know, River. As long as she wants.”
“Must be some old friend, then.”
“You could say that.”
“Ah, I’m glad to find you as cryptic as ever-and don’t think I don’t know how to read between the lines.” There was a pause. “What did she mean when she said you died?”
“That’s... it’s complicated.”
The door to the kitchen creaked open and Amy very determinedly stared down at the table, shifting in her seat like she felt guilty for overhearing the conversation. But Rose’s gaze was immediately drawn to the Doctor-this young, bow-tie-and-tweed-jacket-wearing version of him.
His clothes sort of worked on him, in an odd way. Maybe if she had still been travelling with him-maybe if she’d been there when he regenerated-maybe then he wouldn’t feel like such a stranger to her.
He returned her gaze and Rose felt like someone had punched her. He didn’t love her. She didn’t know why she hadn’t picked up on it right away-there was fondness, yes. Concern, of course. Worry even.
But he wasn’t looking at her like she was the centre of his world, like she was the most important thing in all of time and space. And that was a look that she had grown far too used to seeing in the Doctor’s eyes.
“I did contact you for a reason, you know,” said River from behind the Doctor’s shoulder, breaking the moment. “Primitive village with a giant fissure in time running through it? Is this ringing any bells?”
The Doctor waved a hand in her direction. “Just... give us a minute, will you?”
“Great idea,” said Amy, standing up so abruptly from the table that her chair wobbled back behind her. “I’ll just... go.” She sent the Doctor a look Rose couldn’t read and then squeezed by them.
“You must be important,” said River with a wink in Rose’s direction, “he doesn’t ignore the words ‘fissure in time’ for just anyone.”
Rose could only muster up a tight smile in return. She couldn’t tell whether the other woman was expressing jealousy or not.
As soon as they were alone, the Doctor closed the kitchen door but then stood in front of it, shifting awkwardly like he wasn’t sure how to begin. Finally he swallowed and then dropped into the seat that Amy had vacated. Rose studied the crack in her tea mug, but she could feel his probing stare on her face.
He spoke. “What happened?”
She shrugged. “It’s like I said. Aliens attacked. He sacrificed himself to save the planet.” She paused and then in a strained voice asked, “How did you regenerate?”
It was a moment before he answered. “I was saving someone’s life.”
Rose snorted into her mug. “Of course.” Then she raised her head to study him. “Did it hurt?”
He managed a half-smile. “Yes. Quite a lot, actually.”
“You and your nine lives,” Rose said. “They say that cats always land back on their feet. It doesn’t matter where you drop them from.”
He frowned. “I’d hardly say that’s a scientific fact.”
“Sums you up, though,” Rose said. “I mean, God, look at you-you’ve got Amy and a new TARDIS. And River.”
The jealousy was evident in her voice, but the Doctor didn’t seem altogether surprised. “She’s just a friend.”
“Yeah, and so am I,” Rose said. “Just a friend.”
“Rose-” he reached across the table with one hand, eyebrows waggling upwards with encouragement. But she kept her own hands folded out of reach and so he sighed and drew it back. “How did you get here?” he tried instead.
“Dimension cannon. It wasn’t hard to put it back together again,” she said. She felt the tears pressing down on her again, more forceful than before. “Especially with all the technology you-he’d left lying around the flat.”
“That was dangerous,” he said, after a moment. “You could have hurt yourself-or others.”
“I couldn’t stay there,” Rose said. “Not there... surrounded by everything. I just... I had to get away. I had to...”
Shake you, throttle you, scream at you, she thought silently. Hug you again.
She was beginning to suspect that she wouldn’t get any of those things.
“Rose, I’m sorry,” he said heavily like he sensed her unspoken words and knew that he couldn’t be what she needed. “I never wanted this for you.”
“You never should have left me with him, then,” she said fiercely. “What did you think would happen? You can barely go a year without getting killed! It was a laugh to think he could ever make it to old age. And you-you just threw us together, him without any regenerations and I can’t-”
She buried her head in her arms, all her sleepless nights seemingly catching up with her at once. The Doctor’s voice was tinged with regret. “Rose, what can I do?”
“Nothing,” she whispered. “I dunno why I came. This was a mistake.”
She heard his chair scrape back and then his footsteps as he approached her. One of his hands came down to rest on her shoulder. She felt a small burst of hope, and looked up-only to find pity and concern in his eyes.
But no love.
Rose felt her chest constrict. One sob caught and lodged in her throat. “Please don’t touch me,” she said hoarsely.
Hurt flickered across his face before he covered it up. He withdrew his hands, sticking them into the pockets of his jacket. “I want to help.” He paused. “Rose Tyler.”
He lingered over her last name like he had so many times in the past and it made her want to curl up and sob. “I’d like to be alone,” she said with all the dignity she could muster.
The Doctor hesitated. “All right,” he finally said. “If you need anything....”
“Yeah,” Rose said.
She didn’t watch him leave. Instead she picked up her tea, the mug barely warm against her hands. The TARDIS shuddered and jerked a moment later and Rose guessed they had entered the Time Vortex.
And still she didn’t cry.
****
She didn’t know how much time had passed when the TARDIS landed. She had stayed sitting at the kitchen table, dozing fitfully. Sometimes she dreamed of her Doctor’s voice right before he died-saying he was sorry and telling her he loved her. Or she saw the look of pity in this new Doctor’s eyes and the way he didn’t seem to quite know what to do with her.
She stared at the kitchen door, half expecting him to come bounding in and reach for her hand-eyebrows waggling with the promise of a new adventure. A time fissure in the middle of a primitive town-now imagine that.
But he didn’t do any of those things, and finally, with some curiosity, Rose pushed herself to her feet and headed out into the TARDIS. She made her way to the console room.
Amy waved at her when she entered. She and River were both clumped around the vidscreen, the Doctor nowhere in sight.
“The Doctor said we had to sit this one out,” Amy explained, “something about a paradox and time collapsing in on itself? I dunno. It was all a bit dramatic.” She frowned at the vidscreen. “As far as I can tell, he’s just talking to some bloke.”
Rose blinked and headed over to the vidscreen, peering over Amy’s shoulder-and promptly staggered back, sucking in a breath.
Amy and River both shot her weird looks. “That’s... it’s...” Rose tried to explain before she pushed herself between them, grabbing the vidscreen with both hands. “Doctor,” she whispered, hearing her voice crack.
“Yeah, it’s still him,” said River with some impatience. “You were just talking to him 20 minutes ago in the kitchen.”
Rose ignored her. River was right-that Doctor was there, but it was the Doctor he was talking to that had Rose’s full attention. He had brown hair, sideburns, chucks and a suit that was just a size too small. He was, in other words, the spitting image of Rose’s dead husband.
“Bit pretty, isn’t he?” River said, leaning in over the vidscreen again. “I wouldn’t mind a chance to-”
“Oi, hands off,” Rose said with a glare in River’s direction. That one’s mine, she almost snapped-before feeling guilty. After all, River had been nothing but gracious to her since she popped up into the Doctor’s life from out of nowhere. It was a courtesy Rose had not shown to Sarah Jane once upon a time.
But River only looked amused. “All right, no need to get possessive.”
Rose sniffed and turned back to the vidscreen. The Doctor-the new one-was explaining something very quickly while gesturing with his hands. The other Doctor (the one Rose was beginning to think of as hers) listened quietly and with increasing anxiety. Then he turned and glanced sharply at the TARDIS. Rose took a step back-she almost felt like he was staring right at her.
Finally, Rose couldn’t take it any longer. Without a word, she pushed away from the console and strode towards the door.
“Hang on,” Amy called, “the Doctor said we couldn’t go out there-”
Rose barely heard her. Her throat burned as she pushed the door open, her legs propelling her forward. The Doctors broke off their conversation as soon as the TARDIS doors creaked open, and Rose heard a sharp intake of breath from her Doctor.
She met his eyes and it felt like time stood still for them. Thoughts of yelling and screaming at him fled her mind. Instead she felt a lightheaded relief at seeing him-alive and standing in front of her. A hysterical laugh bubbled in her throat and then she was running, almost flying at him.
He held out his arms and caught her as she slammed into him, arms going around her and holding on tightly. She pressed her face against his shoulder and breathed him in-he smelled exactly right, like hair gel and sweat and soap. If it wasn’t for the double beat of his hearts against hers, she could almost pretend that he... that he....
His hands stroked her hair and then her back and he whispered, “Rose, I’ll fix this-I’ll make it right. I promise.”
Rose knew he couldn’t, but in that moment she didn’t care. It felt so nice to hear him say it, to have him holding her again like she was the only thing that mattered to him.
She pulled away enough to seek out the other Doctor-the new one. “Thanks,” she whispered with wet eyes. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, with a genuine smile. Then he gestured behind him and gave Rose’s Doctor a significant look. “I have a small fissure in time to close, but after that....”
“I’ll be here,” said Rose’s Doctor.
He nodded and then turned, heading back to the TARDIS without another word.
Rose frowned suspiciously. “What was that about?”
He hesitated, but then said, “Nothing.” He took her hand with a gentle smile. “C’mon.”
“Where're we going?”
“To the TARDIS, of course. Well, my TARDIS.” He paused. “Is it just me or did his TARDIS seem a bit... blue?”
“Yes!” Rose said with a snort. “Blimey, it was awful.”
The Doctor looked a little put out. “The regeneration process always did get a bit dodgy.”
Rose smiled and squeezed his hand. The Doctor squeezed her hand back and sent her such a heart-warming look that she allowed herself to think, for just a second, that maybe the universe was finally about to give her something back.
Chapter Three
Authors: _thirty2flavors and goldy_dollar
Pairings: Ten II/Rose, Ten/Rose, Eleven/Rose, Eleven/River (implied). Yes, really.
Summary: After losing the Doctor, Rose sets off to find him again.
Spoilers: 2009 Specials, S5 casting.
Rating: PG
A/N: For anyone who might be wary of River Song, she plays a relatively minor role in this fic. We threw her in because Moffat implied that a little something-something would be going on in the future, but what exactly that is and how that plays out is something we’ve left in his hands to deal with in S5.
Excerpt: He'd regenerated and he'd moved on and he'd found someone else, someone who called him "sweetie" and looked at her with the same expression Rose had once worn when she looked at Sarah Jane.
( Chapter One)
He looked the same age as she did. Maybe younger, if she was honest. In another circumstance, she might have been able to get a joke out of the situation.
As it was, though, Rose Tyler was finding it hard to breathe. He'd regenerated. He'd regenerated and he'd moved on and he'd found someone else, someone who called him "sweetie" and looked at her with the same expression Rose had once worn when she looked at Sarah Jane.
Rose knew she had no good reason, no right to be angry or hurt. It could well have been years for him-decades-and even if it hadn't, wasn't that what she'd always wanted for him, whenever she'd indulged long enough to imagine it? For him to heal and to move on and to be happy?
And yet....
"River, this is my old friend Rose Tyler," said the Doctor, and Rose wondered why "old friend" felt like such an insult. "Rose, this is Professor River Song, my... ah..." He trailed off, eyeing River as though he couldn't quite come up with the appropriate noun.
"Friend," River finished for him, rolling her eyes like they were co-conspirators. "It's nice to meet you, Rose." Her smile was polite and she stuck out her hand, but Rose couldn't bring herself to do anything more than stare. “All right, then,” River said slowly, withdrawing her hand.
Rose addressed the Doctor, saying the first thing that popped into her mind, "You changed."
It was an utterly insufficient statement of the obvious, and she was all too aware that it sounded like an accusation.
"Yeah." He gave her an awkward, stilted smile. "And you! You look... older."
Beside him, River quirked one eyebrow and looked at him in disbelief.
"I feel older," Rose admitted. "God, do I feel older." Then she laughed, shrill and mirthless. "But look at you! You just get younger every time. You're like-what was that movie called? You're like Benjamin Button."
She laughed again because it was either laugh or cry and she had got very good at not contemplating things that would lead to tears.
River looked warily at the Doctor-disturbed, Rose assumed, by the raving lunatic who'd just shown up to ruin her beach date-but the Doctor's gaze was fixed on Rose, his unfamiliar eyes brimming with concern. He tentatively reached one arm out towards her, but Rose hastily pulled back out of his reach.
"Rose," he began, "what are you doing here?”
His brows furrowed and she could see him mentally going through everything he knew, trying to fit the pieces together. “All my power is up here, Rose,” he’d told her once, tapping the side of his head to emphasize his point. “The best brain in the universe.”
She had no doubt that he’d eventually work it on his own. Still, she decided to beat him to the punch. “He died," she said, doing her best to ignore the way her heart clenched at her own words. "You died."
Whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't that. His arm dropped back to his side and his eyes widened, shock and then pity creeping into his expression. "Rose..."
"About three years after you left," she continued in a raw voice. "Blew himself up 'defending the Earth.' Sounds just like you, doesn't it?"
"Rose..." The Doctor trailed off, obviously fishing for something to say. There was an awkward moment of silence, and then he said, "I'm sorry."
"Yeah." She shook her head, kicking at the sand under her feet and snorting derisively. "That's what he said."
She could feel his stare on the top of her head and she shut her eyes, fighting back the tears. She didn't want to cry, not here, not in front of this Doctor she didn't know and his "friend." She took one deep breath, and then another, trying to calm down.
It was only when she felt a hand on her elbow that her head jerked up and her eyes snapped open.
"Rose?" He was looking at her worriedly, and though she pulled her arm out of his grip she saw that glimmer of familiarity in his eyes that made her trust him implicitly no matter which face he was wearing. "Why don't we talk about this in the TARDIS, hey?"
He gestured behind him where the ship sat, and Rose looked at it skeptically. She'd always thought of the TARDIS as the Doctor's one constant, and yet there it sat, bluer than ever like he'd given it a fresh coat of paint, looking brand new. Maybe he thought his prized possession deserved a new look, too. Or maybe he just wanted to smooth over the rough, battered edges and start afresh.
The thought made Rose queasy. Out with the old...
"Rose?" The Doctor took a few slow steps back towards the TARDIS, watching her the whole time. He beckoned her forward once, and then for a moment his arm hung awkwardly in the air, as though he wasn’t sure what to do with it. Finally, he held out his hand.
"Yeah," said Rose, wondering if she sounded as exhausted as she felt. She declined reaching for his hand and walked past him and towards the TARDIS.
***
A young girl with bright ginger hair led Rose through the corridors of the TARDIS, whispering to her in soothing tones. “My name’s Amy,” said the girl. “Let’s get you a cup of tea, yeah? That’ll help.”
Rose felt something tug inside of as she remembered being in Amy’s position once upon a time. She used to be the one comforting the hysterical stranger by putting on a pot of tea. It was Jackie Tyler’s approved method, after all.
The kitchen was bright and homey, its counters white but messy, covered with sauce stains and haphazardly strewn dishes. Rose pulled out a seat at the table, practically collapsing into a chair as Amy bustled in the background. She fought a wave of exhaustion as a sudden bout of dizziness crept up on her. She could pinpoint exactly the last time she had a full night’s rest-because it had been about 15 hours before her husband blew himself up saving the planet.
It felt like a lifetime ago now.
Since then, she had worked nonstop to get the dimension cannon working again. She was so angry-so furious with him. He could he do that? Drop her with that human version of himself, promise to stay with her forever, and then go and leave her all over again?
It was easier to focus on the dimension cannon than to think about him, up there on his own, sacrificing his life and all their happiness for the sake of the planet. Because as soon as she stopped, as soon as she let herself think for even a minute, it felt like all the walls of the universe were pressing down on her. She was afraid to cry in case she never stopped.
Rose pressed shaking fingers to her eyes, fighting to hold herself together. She had accomplished what she set out to do, hadn’t she? She’d finished the dimension cannon, tracked down the TARDIS, and found the Doctor.
Only it wasn’t the right version of him. The universe, she was coming to realize, had a sick sense of humour.
“Here,” said a kind a voice, and she looked up into Amy’s warm and smiling face. The girl held out a mug of tea and Rose accepted it gratefully.
“Thanks.” She held it between her hands, fingers tracing patterns on the handle.
She recognized a chip on the mug’s rim-a remnant from a hasty crash-landing sometime after Krop Tor and before the 2012 London Olympics. The memories stung and Rose felt a sharp stab of mourning for the Time Lord version of her husband. He was gone, too.
Amy slipped into the seat across from her. “Are you all right?” she said hesitantly.
Rose mustered up a smile, but didn’t answer. Amy seemed almost blindingly young (though she couldn’t be any younger than Rose had been, when she first started travelling with the Doctor). She could read confusion in the other girl’s face, but she’d obviously seen enough strange things with the Doctor to silently accept Rose’s sudden appearance.
Outside the door, Rose could make out the snatches of an approaching conversation.
“But how long is she staying for?”
“I don’t know, River. As long as she wants.”
“Must be some old friend, then.”
“You could say that.”
“Ah, I’m glad to find you as cryptic as ever-and don’t think I don’t know how to read between the lines.” There was a pause. “What did she mean when she said you died?”
“That’s... it’s complicated.”
The door to the kitchen creaked open and Amy very determinedly stared down at the table, shifting in her seat like she felt guilty for overhearing the conversation. But Rose’s gaze was immediately drawn to the Doctor-this young, bow-tie-and-tweed-jacket-wearing version of him.
His clothes sort of worked on him, in an odd way. Maybe if she had still been travelling with him-maybe if she’d been there when he regenerated-maybe then he wouldn’t feel like such a stranger to her.
He returned her gaze and Rose felt like someone had punched her. He didn’t love her. She didn’t know why she hadn’t picked up on it right away-there was fondness, yes. Concern, of course. Worry even.
But he wasn’t looking at her like she was the centre of his world, like she was the most important thing in all of time and space. And that was a look that she had grown far too used to seeing in the Doctor’s eyes.
“I did contact you for a reason, you know,” said River from behind the Doctor’s shoulder, breaking the moment. “Primitive village with a giant fissure in time running through it? Is this ringing any bells?”
The Doctor waved a hand in her direction. “Just... give us a minute, will you?”
“Great idea,” said Amy, standing up so abruptly from the table that her chair wobbled back behind her. “I’ll just... go.” She sent the Doctor a look Rose couldn’t read and then squeezed by them.
“You must be important,” said River with a wink in Rose’s direction, “he doesn’t ignore the words ‘fissure in time’ for just anyone.”
Rose could only muster up a tight smile in return. She couldn’t tell whether the other woman was expressing jealousy or not.
As soon as they were alone, the Doctor closed the kitchen door but then stood in front of it, shifting awkwardly like he wasn’t sure how to begin. Finally he swallowed and then dropped into the seat that Amy had vacated. Rose studied the crack in her tea mug, but she could feel his probing stare on her face.
He spoke. “What happened?”
She shrugged. “It’s like I said. Aliens attacked. He sacrificed himself to save the planet.” She paused and then in a strained voice asked, “How did you regenerate?”
It was a moment before he answered. “I was saving someone’s life.”
Rose snorted into her mug. “Of course.” Then she raised her head to study him. “Did it hurt?”
He managed a half-smile. “Yes. Quite a lot, actually.”
“You and your nine lives,” Rose said. “They say that cats always land back on their feet. It doesn’t matter where you drop them from.”
He frowned. “I’d hardly say that’s a scientific fact.”
“Sums you up, though,” Rose said. “I mean, God, look at you-you’ve got Amy and a new TARDIS. And River.”
The jealousy was evident in her voice, but the Doctor didn’t seem altogether surprised. “She’s just a friend.”
“Yeah, and so am I,” Rose said. “Just a friend.”
“Rose-” he reached across the table with one hand, eyebrows waggling upwards with encouragement. But she kept her own hands folded out of reach and so he sighed and drew it back. “How did you get here?” he tried instead.
“Dimension cannon. It wasn’t hard to put it back together again,” she said. She felt the tears pressing down on her again, more forceful than before. “Especially with all the technology you-he’d left lying around the flat.”
“That was dangerous,” he said, after a moment. “You could have hurt yourself-or others.”
“I couldn’t stay there,” Rose said. “Not there... surrounded by everything. I just... I had to get away. I had to...”
Shake you, throttle you, scream at you, she thought silently. Hug you again.
She was beginning to suspect that she wouldn’t get any of those things.
“Rose, I’m sorry,” he said heavily like he sensed her unspoken words and knew that he couldn’t be what she needed. “I never wanted this for you.”
“You never should have left me with him, then,” she said fiercely. “What did you think would happen? You can barely go a year without getting killed! It was a laugh to think he could ever make it to old age. And you-you just threw us together, him without any regenerations and I can’t-”
She buried her head in her arms, all her sleepless nights seemingly catching up with her at once. The Doctor’s voice was tinged with regret. “Rose, what can I do?”
“Nothing,” she whispered. “I dunno why I came. This was a mistake.”
She heard his chair scrape back and then his footsteps as he approached her. One of his hands came down to rest on her shoulder. She felt a small burst of hope, and looked up-only to find pity and concern in his eyes.
But no love.
Rose felt her chest constrict. One sob caught and lodged in her throat. “Please don’t touch me,” she said hoarsely.
Hurt flickered across his face before he covered it up. He withdrew his hands, sticking them into the pockets of his jacket. “I want to help.” He paused. “Rose Tyler.”
He lingered over her last name like he had so many times in the past and it made her want to curl up and sob. “I’d like to be alone,” she said with all the dignity she could muster.
The Doctor hesitated. “All right,” he finally said. “If you need anything....”
“Yeah,” Rose said.
She didn’t watch him leave. Instead she picked up her tea, the mug barely warm against her hands. The TARDIS shuddered and jerked a moment later and Rose guessed they had entered the Time Vortex.
And still she didn’t cry.
****
She didn’t know how much time had passed when the TARDIS landed. She had stayed sitting at the kitchen table, dozing fitfully. Sometimes she dreamed of her Doctor’s voice right before he died-saying he was sorry and telling her he loved her. Or she saw the look of pity in this new Doctor’s eyes and the way he didn’t seem to quite know what to do with her.
She stared at the kitchen door, half expecting him to come bounding in and reach for her hand-eyebrows waggling with the promise of a new adventure. A time fissure in the middle of a primitive town-now imagine that.
But he didn’t do any of those things, and finally, with some curiosity, Rose pushed herself to her feet and headed out into the TARDIS. She made her way to the console room.
Amy waved at her when she entered. She and River were both clumped around the vidscreen, the Doctor nowhere in sight.
“The Doctor said we had to sit this one out,” Amy explained, “something about a paradox and time collapsing in on itself? I dunno. It was all a bit dramatic.” She frowned at the vidscreen. “As far as I can tell, he’s just talking to some bloke.”
Rose blinked and headed over to the vidscreen, peering over Amy’s shoulder-and promptly staggered back, sucking in a breath.
Amy and River both shot her weird looks. “That’s... it’s...” Rose tried to explain before she pushed herself between them, grabbing the vidscreen with both hands. “Doctor,” she whispered, hearing her voice crack.
“Yeah, it’s still him,” said River with some impatience. “You were just talking to him 20 minutes ago in the kitchen.”
Rose ignored her. River was right-that Doctor was there, but it was the Doctor he was talking to that had Rose’s full attention. He had brown hair, sideburns, chucks and a suit that was just a size too small. He was, in other words, the spitting image of Rose’s dead husband.
“Bit pretty, isn’t he?” River said, leaning in over the vidscreen again. “I wouldn’t mind a chance to-”
“Oi, hands off,” Rose said with a glare in River’s direction. That one’s mine, she almost snapped-before feeling guilty. After all, River had been nothing but gracious to her since she popped up into the Doctor’s life from out of nowhere. It was a courtesy Rose had not shown to Sarah Jane once upon a time.
But River only looked amused. “All right, no need to get possessive.”
Rose sniffed and turned back to the vidscreen. The Doctor-the new one-was explaining something very quickly while gesturing with his hands. The other Doctor (the one Rose was beginning to think of as hers) listened quietly and with increasing anxiety. Then he turned and glanced sharply at the TARDIS. Rose took a step back-she almost felt like he was staring right at her.
Finally, Rose couldn’t take it any longer. Without a word, she pushed away from the console and strode towards the door.
“Hang on,” Amy called, “the Doctor said we couldn’t go out there-”
Rose barely heard her. Her throat burned as she pushed the door open, her legs propelling her forward. The Doctors broke off their conversation as soon as the TARDIS doors creaked open, and Rose heard a sharp intake of breath from her Doctor.
She met his eyes and it felt like time stood still for them. Thoughts of yelling and screaming at him fled her mind. Instead she felt a lightheaded relief at seeing him-alive and standing in front of her. A hysterical laugh bubbled in her throat and then she was running, almost flying at him.
He held out his arms and caught her as she slammed into him, arms going around her and holding on tightly. She pressed her face against his shoulder and breathed him in-he smelled exactly right, like hair gel and sweat and soap. If it wasn’t for the double beat of his hearts against hers, she could almost pretend that he... that he....
His hands stroked her hair and then her back and he whispered, “Rose, I’ll fix this-I’ll make it right. I promise.”
Rose knew he couldn’t, but in that moment she didn’t care. It felt so nice to hear him say it, to have him holding her again like she was the only thing that mattered to him.
She pulled away enough to seek out the other Doctor-the new one. “Thanks,” she whispered with wet eyes. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, with a genuine smile. Then he gestured behind him and gave Rose’s Doctor a significant look. “I have a small fissure in time to close, but after that....”
“I’ll be here,” said Rose’s Doctor.
He nodded and then turned, heading back to the TARDIS without another word.
Rose frowned suspiciously. “What was that about?”
He hesitated, but then said, “Nothing.” He took her hand with a gentle smile. “C’mon.”
“Where're we going?”
“To the TARDIS, of course. Well, my TARDIS.” He paused. “Is it just me or did his TARDIS seem a bit... blue?”
“Yes!” Rose said with a snort. “Blimey, it was awful.”
The Doctor looked a little put out. “The regeneration process always did get a bit dodgy.”
Rose smiled and squeezed his hand. The Doctor squeezed her hand back and sent her such a heart-warming look that she allowed herself to think, for just a second, that maybe the universe was finally about to give her something back.
Chapter Three