(no subject)
Doing "what's right", huh? What is "right" anymore?
How did it get this bad? I can recall everything I was taught when I was growing up but when it comes right down to it, I've simply...forgotten. It's not that I don't care, that's not it. I've lost my nerve. I don't have it in me anymore. None of us did after Leo's...
I know what's right. I know what Leo would have wanted but I just can't do it. Doesn't make me feel like anything less than a coward...and a hypocrite. How could I say such things when in my heart...I just...don't believe it.
We risked it all and for what? For Leo to lose his life and for our family to end up in shattered little pieces. Damn, is this what's happened to me? I've become this bitter over everything? Who the shell can blame me, anyways? Nothing has gone right since he left and nothing will ever be right again.
I know I probably let Leo...the Leo here..down when I said that I couldn't be a part of the team anymore. Heh...it feels like ages ago. So many things have happened since then. How the hell was I supposed to know I was the only one who had really lived through that? I should have known better. But everything on me has dulled, I guess. My intellect, my intuition and everything I grew up with. It's still there and I know it but I refused to use it. I don't have much choice, now, but I know I'll never be what I used to be.
To be honest, I feel like I'm an ingrate. Mikey and Leo...they've both fixed their timelines. I'm grateful for that, I truly am but I'm jealous. Here I am, clinging to this world like it's my last lifeline. In some ways, it is. I'm happy here more often than I am at home. It doesn't take a damn pill to get me out of bed and to work. I don't want to go home because I know what's waiting for me there. It's because of this that I've never told them that what they do only affects them. Not like they need to hear that sort of thing, anyways...
After all of this, what the hell is "right", huh? If going out and risking your life for someone who doesn't know you even exist is "right"...I don't want a part of that. If things were different, maybe I wouldn't think this way. Hah, if things were "different"... Say it like you mean it, Donatello. Say it like you mean it.
....Wish I could get some answers but there's no easy way to do that. At least I know how to protect entries...
School certainly doesn't let me get bored. Not that I don't mind having the extra work to keep me busy. It actually feels kind of nice being able to actually go to school and learn new things. I'm sure I might feel a bit differently after a couple of months but anyone that knows me knows that I'm always eager to learn anyways.
At least work isn't so bad even being like this. Now if only people would stop giving me a double-take. You'd think they'd be used to things like us here already. Ah well...
[[Icon shows as his "Cute Smile" and mood shows as "Okay"~ |D;]]