100 Things Teddy Altman Is Not Allowed To Do
((OOC: Okay, not technically game-verse, but it struck me as a good place to put it))
1. Not allowed to remove my shirt in public for no reason.
2. “Because it makes Billy happy” is not a proper reason to remove my shirt in public.
3. The same applies to flexing.
4. Iron Man has not stashed cameras in the bathroom and it is wrong to convince Tommy otherwise.
5. Not allowed to make out with Billy in the Avengers’ Tower.
6. Not allowed to make out with Billy in the Lair.
7. Not allowed to think about making out with Billy while Iron Man is lecturing us.
8. Not allowed to think about making out with Billy while Captain America is lecturing us.
9. Yes, they can tell. No, they do not have psychic powers.
10. My uniform is not allowed to be made out of chocolate body sauce.
11. Not allowed to wear a cowboy hat.
12. Not allowed to encourage Billy to wear a cowboy hat.
13. Not allowed to “taste test” Billy “to make sure that he’s not an imposter”.
14. Not allowed to encourage small children to speculate on the relationship between Iron Man and Captain America.
15. Not allowed to tell small children that Kate’s code name is “Hawkingbird”.
16. Not allowed to dare Tommy to moon the reporters.
17. Not allowed to hold Tommy out the window by his ankles just because he won’t stop singing that song about Henry the Eighth.
18. Even if it’s the modified version, “Dorrek the Eighth”.
19. Not allowed to refer to Spider-Man as “Spiderbutt”.
20. Especially not when he can hear me.
21. Not allowed to encourage Tommy and Vision to commit shenanigans.
22. Not allowed to encourage Billy to lock Eli and Kate in a closet.
23. Or Cassie and Vision.
24. Or Kate and Tommy.
25. Or Captain America and Iron Man
26. Or Kate, Tommy and Eli.
27. Or any combination of the above.
28. Not allowed to try to convince Wolverine to “borrow” Anole from the X-Mansion so that Billy and I can hang out with him.
29. I am not a vampire; therefore I should stop nibbling on Billy’s neck while in the Tower.
30. My showering with Billy does not conserve water. Really.
31. Everyone knows that Aunt May rules the Tower, but no one talks about it to preserve their feelings of adulthood and/or masculinity.
32. This means that I am not allowed to make her a crown and scepter.
33. Not allowed to convert Cassie to the Gay Side of the Force.
34. Or even the Kind of Bisexual Side.
35. Not allowed to convert Kate or Eli or Tommy either.
36. Not allowed to throw condoms at Cap and Iron Man.
37. If it makes Billy giggle for more than fifteen seconds, I am not allowed to encourage him to do it.
38. I am also not allowed to offer to do it for him.
39. Not allowed to make out in closets with Billy.
40. Not allowed to ask why the hell Captain America is looking for Iron Man inside closets when he (Cap) catches us.
41. Not allowed to pretend to be dead when the Skrull come around.
42. Not allowed to pretend to be insane when the Skrull come around - they are just fine with a crazy emperor.
43. Not allowed to hang out with any of the Runaways as they might encourage me to tell Cap and Iron Man where to stuff it.
44. Not allowed to squee when I meet new super heroes.
45. Not allowed to push for “Gay Superhero Abduction Awareness Week”.
46. Not allowed to push for anything remotely related to the above.
47. No, two examples of gay superheroic teens getting kidnapped by Skrulls does not make a conspiracy.
48. Not allowed to give myself pregnancy-scares (stupid Skrullish biology).
49. Not allowed to utter the phrase “Boromir’s a Viking!” around Spider-Man.
50. Not allowed to utter the phrase “Gondor has no pants! Gondor needs no pants!” around Spider-Man.
51. Should I ignore the two rules above, I will have to explain why Spider-Man is curled up on the ground and giggling like a two-year-old on a sugar-high.
52. I will keep my comments about Spider-Man’s “Anti-Molestation Tentacle Suit” to myself.
53. Not allowed to pay Tommy to give Iron Man an Iron Wedgie.
54. Not allowed to write things on Billy while he sleeps.
55. Especially not allowed to write things on Billy while he sleeps with chocolate body sauce and lick them off to wake him up.
56. Even if Billy really, really doesn’t mind.
57. The sound-effects are unnecessary.
58. I am to “stop nibbling on Wiccan, dammit”.
59. Not allowed to make a “surprise guest appearance” as Hulkling at the library where Eli works and read to the kids.
60. Even if the head librarian thanked me for doing so and gave me a shiny sticker for encouraging kids to read.
61. I am not supposed to help Billy take over the Avengers’ Tower.
62. Even if he is going to make me his consort.
63. Not allowed to help Kate stuff Eli into plate armor, even if “he keeps getting his stupid ass shot up”.
64. If Billy accidentally summons tentacle monsters from another dimension, I am to get both of us out of there and warn someone as quickly as possible, not beat the shit out of them for trying to get into Billy’s pants.
65. The little baby tentacle monster did not call me “Daddy”, and even if it did, I am not allowed to keep it.
66. The baby tentacle monster is not allowed to live in the vegetable crisper.
67. Nor is it allowed to live in Iron Man’s Cheez-It stash.
68. I am not allowed to drag Billy into a nearby closet every time he does his Captain Jack Sparrow impression.
69. Not allowed to sing along with the radio with my lips just touching Billy’s neck as it apparently compels him to drag me into a nearby closet.
70. Not allowed to put plastic spiders in Eli’s drink when he’s reading A Winter’s Tale because he gets all excited and starts giving mini-Shakespeare lectures to everybody within earshot.
71. Not allowed to speculate on the undergarments of other super heroes.
72. Especially not when they can hear me.
73. If I traumatize Xavin with earth-porn, I am to clean up the mess.
74. Not allowed to tease my teammates when they get sunburns (and I don’t).
75. I am not allowed to fanboy at Doc Samson when the Avengers bring him in to talk to me about my mother.
76. There is no horny virus.
77. I am to keep my (very minor) twin-fetish to myself.
78. Not allowed to arm-wrestle Molly Hayes.
79. I am to scoop Billy into a bucket after I’ve finished giving him a backrub, not leave him in a happy puddle on the couch.
80. Even if I’m just going to get ice cream.
81. Not allowed to send porn to Vision.
82. If Vision and Tommy have been watching movies for more than two hours straight, I am to avoid them for my own sanity, safety and continued good health.
83. Really - shut up about Spider-Man’s new suit. They aren’t tentacles.
84. Not allowed to hold Tommy still while Cassie gives him a makeover.
85. Eli does not appreciate it when I rearrange the bookshelves.
86. When making beverages with Tang, the resulting substance should not qualify as “chewy”.
87. Not allowed to send pictures of fuzzy kittens to Vision.
88. Not allowed to hallucinate in the bathroom.
89. I am not supposed to be sneaking into Billy’s room in the middle of the night anyway, so there is no excuse for sneaking into the wrong bedroom and waking the occupant with a kiss on the nose.
90. Kate does not like to be woken by a kiss on the nose.
91. Not allowed to ask Billy to “kiss it and make it better”. Even if he doesn’t mind.
92. Not allowed to pour catnip on Vision while he sleeps.
93. Not allowed to grab Tommy by the costume to try and stop him. Between the immovable object that is me and the irresistible force that is Tommy’s superspeed, something has got to give and it is going to be his uniform.
94. Naked Tommy is difficult for everyone to explain.
95. Actually, nakedness of any teammate is difficult to explain.
96. Even partial nakedness.
97. Not allowed to trail after various super heroes looking pathetic and woebegone until they give in and sign my autograph book.
98. Not allowed to lend Xavin a copy of Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice To All Creation. Ever. See #73 for more information.
99. No strip-teases in costume. Ever.
100. Especially if it isn’t my costume.
added by magus_69:
101. Not allowed to spike Tommy's drink with sugar in hopes of getting him grounded (due to sugar-induced insanity and the resulting chaos).
102. Not allowed to encourage Vision to sell Mr. Stark's possessions on E-Bay.
103a. Not allowed to "accidentally" lock Jarvis and Aunt May in a closet.
103b. Especially not Spider-Man's closet.
added by ramen_addict:
104. Very much not allowed to pretend to be any of my teammates for the sake of setting them up.
added by the_bumper_car
105. Not allowed to take advantage of Billy and Tommy's sockpuppet-phobia.
106. Even if I apologize with hot sex afterwards.
107. Not allowed to stare at Jessica Drew's boobies, since they just might scare me straight.
108. Not allowed to spoil Luke and Jessica's baby.
109. Not allowed to suggest to Billy to make me a baby.
110. Especially if the plan involves the words "Skrull Burger" or "Mephisto Puppets".
111. Not allowed to sleepover at the X-Mansion anymore.
112. Not even if I promise not to organize kinky Danger Room sessions.
113. Not allowed to make Anne Heche jokes around my sister's girlfriend.
114. Especially since she might get pissed off and turn me into Ellen Degeneres again.
115. Actually, making jokes around Moondragon is a bad idea, period.
added by stranj100:
116. Not allowed to pretend to go through pon farr, because neither the Skrull or Kree do.
116a. Not allowed to ask Mr. Fantastic for confirmation.
added by northstar83:
117. Not allowed to give Redbull to Tommy. Ever.
added by access_identity:
118. Not allowed to rent DVDs for everyone in the Avengers Tower to watch.
119. Not allowed to re-act Mancha/Chase 'gratuitious male nudity' scene with Billy. It wouldn't be gratuitious anyway.
120. Not allowed to look at Mr Fantastic's elongated arms and think of them as tentacles. No they're not. No they're not. Spidey's new armour ARE tentacles though. Oh no they're not.
added by yalover:
121. Not allowed to convince Vision to hide cameras in Iron Man's room.
122. Not even to get proof of that Cap's the bottom.
123. Even if I would win the betting pool.
124. Not allowed to send Vision E-cards.
125. Not allowed to trick Tommy into running with scissors.
126. Or Kate's sword.
added by billykaplan:
127. Not allowed to sell Kat Farrell to the Skrull.
128. Not allow to say the words, "Don't make me angry, Mr. McGee. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
129. Not allowed to duct tape Billy's brothers to the wall.
130. Not allowed to tease Tommy with coffee.
131. Not allowed to GIVE Tommy coffee.
added by amarin_rose:
132. Not allowed to teach Jessica and Luke's baby to call Wolverine 'Daddy'.
133. Not allowed to organize a game of Calvinball.
134. Not allowed to organize a betting pool on age, gender, and powers of next Summers' to show up from alternate timeline.
134b. Not allowed to get Vision to predict best odds for said betting pool.
135. Not allowed to use powers to pretend to be a new Summers.
135b. This goes for Billy's powers, too.
added by the_bumper_car:
136. Not allowed to start another Kree/Skrull War.
137. Not even if it's for a good cause.
138. "Because I can" is not a good cause.
139. Just because Billy's parents find me adorable does not mean I can start calling them "Mom" and "Dad".
140. Not even if Billy finds it adorable.
141. Same rule applies when I finally meet Wanda.
142. Not allowed to call Magneto "Grandpa-in-law".
143. Or French kiss Billy in front of any Maximoffs or Lensherrs.
144. Shapeshifting is a privelege, it is not a right.
145. Not allowed to hit on Billy while shapeshifted as somebody else.
145a. Not even if it's as Johnny Depp.
145b. Because trust me, Billy can tell.
145c. Not even if Billy really, really wants to have sex with me looking like Johnny Depp.
146. I shouldn't ask Tony Stark how he knows that Billy had sex with me looking like Johnny Depp in our room last night.
added by amarin_rose:
146b. If I ask Mr. Stark how he knows, he has the right to pay Tommy to annoy me by singing the llama song for hours on end.
146. Just because Tommy would do it for free does not make it wrong.
146b. It's only wrong if one of the Avengers says it is.
147c. Spiderman does not count; he's a junior member.
148. Not allowed to set up a superhero dating service.
149. Not allowed to get Vision to set up a superhero dating service.
added by fullmetal_cute:
150: Not allowed to help Billy find out how much duct tape it actually takes to stick Tommy to a wall.
151: Not allowed to give Billy duct tape.
152: Not allowed to become Skrull Emperor.
153: Billy does not want to be my consort.
154: Not allowed to make Kate Grand High Poobah of the Skrull Empire.
Feel free to add more. (Teddy: I could always use the ideas...)
1. Not allowed to remove my shirt in public for no reason.
2. “Because it makes Billy happy” is not a proper reason to remove my shirt in public.
3. The same applies to flexing.
4. Iron Man has not stashed cameras in the bathroom and it is wrong to convince Tommy otherwise.
5. Not allowed to make out with Billy in the Avengers’ Tower.
6. Not allowed to make out with Billy in the Lair.
7. Not allowed to think about making out with Billy while Iron Man is lecturing us.
8. Not allowed to think about making out with Billy while Captain America is lecturing us.
9. Yes, they can tell. No, they do not have psychic powers.
10. My uniform is not allowed to be made out of chocolate body sauce.
11. Not allowed to wear a cowboy hat.
12. Not allowed to encourage Billy to wear a cowboy hat.
13. Not allowed to “taste test” Billy “to make sure that he’s not an imposter”.
14. Not allowed to encourage small children to speculate on the relationship between Iron Man and Captain America.
15. Not allowed to tell small children that Kate’s code name is “Hawkingbird”.
16. Not allowed to dare Tommy to moon the reporters.
17. Not allowed to hold Tommy out the window by his ankles just because he won’t stop singing that song about Henry the Eighth.
18. Even if it’s the modified version, “Dorrek the Eighth”.
19. Not allowed to refer to Spider-Man as “Spiderbutt”.
20. Especially not when he can hear me.
21. Not allowed to encourage Tommy and Vision to commit shenanigans.
22. Not allowed to encourage Billy to lock Eli and Kate in a closet.
23. Or Cassie and Vision.
24. Or Kate and Tommy.
25. Or Captain America and Iron Man
26. Or Kate, Tommy and Eli.
27. Or any combination of the above.
28. Not allowed to try to convince Wolverine to “borrow” Anole from the X-Mansion so that Billy and I can hang out with him.
29. I am not a vampire; therefore I should stop nibbling on Billy’s neck while in the Tower.
30. My showering with Billy does not conserve water. Really.
31. Everyone knows that Aunt May rules the Tower, but no one talks about it to preserve their feelings of adulthood and/or masculinity.
32. This means that I am not allowed to make her a crown and scepter.
33. Not allowed to convert Cassie to the Gay Side of the Force.
34. Or even the Kind of Bisexual Side.
35. Not allowed to convert Kate or Eli or Tommy either.
36. Not allowed to throw condoms at Cap and Iron Man.
37. If it makes Billy giggle for more than fifteen seconds, I am not allowed to encourage him to do it.
38. I am also not allowed to offer to do it for him.
39. Not allowed to make out in closets with Billy.
40. Not allowed to ask why the hell Captain America is looking for Iron Man inside closets when he (Cap) catches us.
41. Not allowed to pretend to be dead when the Skrull come around.
42. Not allowed to pretend to be insane when the Skrull come around - they are just fine with a crazy emperor.
43. Not allowed to hang out with any of the Runaways as they might encourage me to tell Cap and Iron Man where to stuff it.
44. Not allowed to squee when I meet new super heroes.
45. Not allowed to push for “Gay Superhero Abduction Awareness Week”.
46. Not allowed to push for anything remotely related to the above.
47. No, two examples of gay superheroic teens getting kidnapped by Skrulls does not make a conspiracy.
48. Not allowed to give myself pregnancy-scares (stupid Skrullish biology).
49. Not allowed to utter the phrase “Boromir’s a Viking!” around Spider-Man.
50. Not allowed to utter the phrase “Gondor has no pants! Gondor needs no pants!” around Spider-Man.
51. Should I ignore the two rules above, I will have to explain why Spider-Man is curled up on the ground and giggling like a two-year-old on a sugar-high.
52. I will keep my comments about Spider-Man’s “Anti-Molestation Tentacle Suit” to myself.
53. Not allowed to pay Tommy to give Iron Man an Iron Wedgie.
54. Not allowed to write things on Billy while he sleeps.
55. Especially not allowed to write things on Billy while he sleeps with chocolate body sauce and lick them off to wake him up.
56. Even if Billy really, really doesn’t mind.
57. The sound-effects are unnecessary.
58. I am to “stop nibbling on Wiccan, dammit”.
59. Not allowed to make a “surprise guest appearance” as Hulkling at the library where Eli works and read to the kids.
60. Even if the head librarian thanked me for doing so and gave me a shiny sticker for encouraging kids to read.
61. I am not supposed to help Billy take over the Avengers’ Tower.
62. Even if he is going to make me his consort.
63. Not allowed to help Kate stuff Eli into plate armor, even if “he keeps getting his stupid ass shot up”.
64. If Billy accidentally summons tentacle monsters from another dimension, I am to get both of us out of there and warn someone as quickly as possible, not beat the shit out of them for trying to get into Billy’s pants.
65. The little baby tentacle monster did not call me “Daddy”, and even if it did, I am not allowed to keep it.
66. The baby tentacle monster is not allowed to live in the vegetable crisper.
67. Nor is it allowed to live in Iron Man’s Cheez-It stash.
68. I am not allowed to drag Billy into a nearby closet every time he does his Captain Jack Sparrow impression.
69. Not allowed to sing along with the radio with my lips just touching Billy’s neck as it apparently compels him to drag me into a nearby closet.
70. Not allowed to put plastic spiders in Eli’s drink when he’s reading A Winter’s Tale because he gets all excited and starts giving mini-Shakespeare lectures to everybody within earshot.
71. Not allowed to speculate on the undergarments of other super heroes.
72. Especially not when they can hear me.
73. If I traumatize Xavin with earth-porn, I am to clean up the mess.
74. Not allowed to tease my teammates when they get sunburns (and I don’t).
75. I am not allowed to fanboy at Doc Samson when the Avengers bring him in to talk to me about my mother.
76. There is no horny virus.
77. I am to keep my (very minor) twin-fetish to myself.
78. Not allowed to arm-wrestle Molly Hayes.
79. I am to scoop Billy into a bucket after I’ve finished giving him a backrub, not leave him in a happy puddle on the couch.
80. Even if I’m just going to get ice cream.
81. Not allowed to send porn to Vision.
82. If Vision and Tommy have been watching movies for more than two hours straight, I am to avoid them for my own sanity, safety and continued good health.
83. Really - shut up about Spider-Man’s new suit. They aren’t tentacles.
84. Not allowed to hold Tommy still while Cassie gives him a makeover.
85. Eli does not appreciate it when I rearrange the bookshelves.
86. When making beverages with Tang, the resulting substance should not qualify as “chewy”.
87. Not allowed to send pictures of fuzzy kittens to Vision.
88. Not allowed to hallucinate in the bathroom.
89. I am not supposed to be sneaking into Billy’s room in the middle of the night anyway, so there is no excuse for sneaking into the wrong bedroom and waking the occupant with a kiss on the nose.
90. Kate does not like to be woken by a kiss on the nose.
91. Not allowed to ask Billy to “kiss it and make it better”. Even if he doesn’t mind.
92. Not allowed to pour catnip on Vision while he sleeps.
93. Not allowed to grab Tommy by the costume to try and stop him. Between the immovable object that is me and the irresistible force that is Tommy’s superspeed, something has got to give and it is going to be his uniform.
94. Naked Tommy is difficult for everyone to explain.
95. Actually, nakedness of any teammate is difficult to explain.
96. Even partial nakedness.
97. Not allowed to trail after various super heroes looking pathetic and woebegone until they give in and sign my autograph book.
98. Not allowed to lend Xavin a copy of Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice To All Creation. Ever. See #73 for more information.
99. No strip-teases in costume. Ever.
100. Especially if it isn’t my costume.
added by magus_69:
101. Not allowed to spike Tommy's drink with sugar in hopes of getting him grounded (due to sugar-induced insanity and the resulting chaos).
102. Not allowed to encourage Vision to sell Mr. Stark's possessions on E-Bay.
103a. Not allowed to "accidentally" lock Jarvis and Aunt May in a closet.
103b. Especially not Spider-Man's closet.
added by ramen_addict:
104. Very much not allowed to pretend to be any of my teammates for the sake of setting them up.
added by the_bumper_car
105. Not allowed to take advantage of Billy and Tommy's sockpuppet-phobia.
106. Even if I apologize with hot sex afterwards.
107. Not allowed to stare at Jessica Drew's boobies, since they just might scare me straight.
108. Not allowed to spoil Luke and Jessica's baby.
109. Not allowed to suggest to Billy to make me a baby.
110. Especially if the plan involves the words "Skrull Burger" or "Mephisto Puppets".
111. Not allowed to sleepover at the X-Mansion anymore.
112. Not even if I promise not to organize kinky Danger Room sessions.
113. Not allowed to make Anne Heche jokes around my sister's girlfriend.
114. Especially since she might get pissed off and turn me into Ellen Degeneres again.
115. Actually, making jokes around Moondragon is a bad idea, period.
added by stranj100:
116. Not allowed to pretend to go through pon farr, because neither the Skrull or Kree do.
116a. Not allowed to ask Mr. Fantastic for confirmation.
added by northstar83:
117. Not allowed to give Redbull to Tommy. Ever.
added by access_identity:
118. Not allowed to rent DVDs for everyone in the Avengers Tower to watch.
119. Not allowed to re-act Mancha/Chase 'gratuitious male nudity' scene with Billy. It wouldn't be gratuitious anyway.
120. Not allowed to look at Mr Fantastic's elongated arms and think of them as tentacles. No they're not. No they're not. Spidey's new armour ARE tentacles though. Oh no they're not.
added by yalover:
121. Not allowed to convince Vision to hide cameras in Iron Man's room.
122. Not even to get proof of that Cap's the bottom.
123. Even if I would win the betting pool.
124. Not allowed to send Vision E-cards.
125. Not allowed to trick Tommy into running with scissors.
126. Or Kate's sword.
added by billykaplan:
127. Not allowed to sell Kat Farrell to the Skrull.
128. Not allow to say the words, "Don't make me angry, Mr. McGee. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
129. Not allowed to duct tape Billy's brothers to the wall.
130. Not allowed to tease Tommy with coffee.
131. Not allowed to GIVE Tommy coffee.
added by amarin_rose:
132. Not allowed to teach Jessica and Luke's baby to call Wolverine 'Daddy'.
133. Not allowed to organize a game of Calvinball.
134. Not allowed to organize a betting pool on age, gender, and powers of next Summers' to show up from alternate timeline.
134b. Not allowed to get Vision to predict best odds for said betting pool.
135. Not allowed to use powers to pretend to be a new Summers.
135b. This goes for Billy's powers, too.
added by the_bumper_car:
136. Not allowed to start another Kree/Skrull War.
137. Not even if it's for a good cause.
138. "Because I can" is not a good cause.
139. Just because Billy's parents find me adorable does not mean I can start calling them "Mom" and "Dad".
140. Not even if Billy finds it adorable.
141. Same rule applies when I finally meet Wanda.
142. Not allowed to call Magneto "Grandpa-in-law".
143. Or French kiss Billy in front of any Maximoffs or Lensherrs.
144. Shapeshifting is a privelege, it is not a right.
145. Not allowed to hit on Billy while shapeshifted as somebody else.
145a. Not even if it's as Johnny Depp.
145b. Because trust me, Billy can tell.
145c. Not even if Billy really, really wants to have sex with me looking like Johnny Depp.
146. I shouldn't ask Tony Stark how he knows that Billy had sex with me looking like Johnny Depp in our room last night.
added by amarin_rose:
146b. If I ask Mr. Stark how he knows, he has the right to pay Tommy to annoy me by singing the llama song for hours on end.
146. Just because Tommy would do it for free does not make it wrong.
146b. It's only wrong if one of the Avengers says it is.
147c. Spiderman does not count; he's a junior member.
148. Not allowed to set up a superhero dating service.
149. Not allowed to get Vision to set up a superhero dating service.
added by fullmetal_cute:
150: Not allowed to help Billy find out how much duct tape it actually takes to stick Tommy to a wall.
151: Not allowed to give Billy duct tape.
152: Not allowed to become Skrull Emperor.
153: Billy does not want to be my consort.
154: Not allowed to make Kate Grand High Poobah of the Skrull Empire.
Feel free to add more. (Teddy: I could always use the ideas...)