Little things.

Sep 06, 2011 23:06


I find that little things are getting me down right now.



When I saw my seven year old cousin a few weeks ago, he didn't much care for me. The last time we met he was almost four, and he thought I was awesome then. I'm not used to kids not liking me. His brother seemed to quite like me still, at least.

My 17 year old cousin is on her second relatively serious boyfriend, and I've not had any. Granted, she's gorgeous and I've seen more attractive trolls than myself, but still.

My family all seem to be against me in my fat acceptance march. My mother thinks i'm being downright silly, it seems. I'd like for there to be someone irl who supports my decision to be concerned with health over appearance, but alas, no.

The importance of appearance has become more noticeable lately. Everybody seems to care about it. I've been having this image of holding my baby daughter, having someone say "she looks like you", and me weeping for her soul. Is it bad to be hoping and praying that your children look as little like you as possible?

I know I won't find work this year. I'll try, but I won't succeed. My brother barely had to try and he succeeded. But then, he wasn't born a failure, like me.

My Japanese is shit, my horn playing is probably shit.

I sort of miss Japan. I don't miss the being alone bit, but I miss the atmosphere, the way of living. I don't think I could live there for more than a few years at a tome, but I really do love it there.

What if I never live permanently in australia again? I'm starting to accept this very real possibility, and I don't know what to think of it anymore. England is so... old. And big. And full of history. All that death and destruction and war... it's not where I belong, but I think I need to try and make myself a home here, because it doesn't look as though I'll be leaving any time soon.

Dad says we need to move again next June, because here is too expensive. I fucking hate moving. All that packing and hauling of all of our shit from one place to another. The idea of staying in one home for 50 years like my grandparents have done sounds like absolute paradise to me.

But with any luck we'll move to Sheffield, which would be great. Because Sheffield is awesome.

But I never have luck. Being born a failure and all.

It's the little things

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

via ljapp, emotions, depression

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