Mrrrhhh
Essay... killing me... and there's another one I need to start, and oh boy...
I'm feeling pretty hopeless and pathetic at the moment. Essay-writing time does this to me. I am so sick of formal assessments, of the competition, of being so competitive that it sends me into blind panic and terror when I think of others doing better than me... which they ultimately will because it's the way it is. I'm so, so tired of it. I want to be free, to be able to do my best and believe that it's my best, to not be bitterly disappointed in myself all the time, and to occasionally, maybe, be proud.
I'm also so, so lonely. I really am. I have friends and stuff, sure, but that's not quite what I'm talking about. I want companionship and to have someone I can turn to who will be there for me, like Applejack's BF is for her. Does she realise how lucky she is? Actually why am I even saying that. She realizes, abundantly clearly. I don't think someone like Rarity realizes it though. But, what can I say? These things come easily to some people.
Well, most people actually. Certainly from what I can see.
I get that many people don't have what I want. However, I'd say that many have once had it, and it's just... it's never, ever going to happen with me.
I fantacise about what it would be like sometimes. To be like "yeah, I got this present from my boyfriend", or like "my boyfriend and I are going on a holiday together", or "I had to stay at my boyfriend's last night because our shower's dying", or whatever else. But it's just... so beyond me and what I'm capable of, and it's so silly of me to keep thinking about it.
But you know, the romance world is unkind. It's made me want that fairy tale. That fairy tale that everybody around me seems to have or has had at some stage.
And I think I'd be a good girlfriend. Relatively independent, supportive, helpful, there for him yet able to give him his own space. I could do it. Certainly, I feel I have friends now to whom I am that kind of support, in as far an extent as we allow friends to be, that is. I want to give it a try.
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