Frustrations in general
Been a while since I updated, huh?
Let me warn you right now, this is an unhappy post. If you don't care about my problems or are too busy for me, fine, don't read this.
Those who care enough to read it, I need you all. Don't ever leave me.
Ugh, I'm seeing my life fall down in pieces around me. Right now (when I wrote this, not when I posted) I'm stuck at the college with no food and no way to get food that I can afford, and I'm stuck here until 7PM.
Nikki and I were carpooling, but Hana forgot to give Nikki a ride home just once. So Nikki's mom freaked out and made her drive seperate from me. I can still get rides in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon, but if I drive now I have to pay for a Daily Pass, and if I don't drive on Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm stuck here until all hours of the night. Usually with no food and no way to get it.
And as for college, I'm becoming a miserable failure. More appropriately, I have been since day 1. The only class I can hold my own in is Japanese 201, and there's an oral quiz in there tomorrow that I'm going to fail because I haven't really had time to study for, since my other classes are killing me.
I don't understand what's going on at all in Data Structures; I ordered the textbook and it was supposed to be here a couple days ago at the latest. I guess it's lost in the mail or something, because it "shipped", but I had Expidited Shipping: arrival in 2-4 business days.
(SIDE NOTE: I can't FREAKING type as fast as I think and it's upsetting me horribly!!!)
So if that book would get here, maybe I could read it and miraculously know what's going on. The only reason I'm passing that class is because another guy is doing all the lab work and homework, and putting my name on it. I owe him an unpayable debt, I think.
Don't even get me freaking started on freaking Visual FREAKING Basic! I understand the concepts and know what's supposed to happen, but I don't know how to write the FREAKING CODE FOR IT!! No matter how many times I see it in class or read it in the book, I can't make it FREAKING WORK IN THE HOMEWORK!!
This is what's burning me up the most.
My life dream was to become a Computer Programmer, and now that I'm in college studying it, every class shows me that I can't do it. I just can't learn, no matter how hard or what I try to do it. I'm good with HTML, but anything non-web is just there to torture me because I guess my IQ is too low to comprehend what I need to.
I'm thinking about dropping out of college. I'll finish out this quarter for sure and see how things go from there... I wanted to drop at the beginning of this quarter; my classes were just overwhelming me, even that early on. You wanna know the reason I didn't?
Nikki.
...Yeah, Nikki. Fine, I'm going to let the cat out of the bag: I still like her, even though she turned me down when I asked her out quite a while back. Even if she doesn't like me back, I can't help it. It's just how I feel.
Hanging out with her is the only thing that keeps me coming back here, honestly. I don't know if I should thank her for keeping me going, or blame her for this suffering I'm going through because of everything.
I'm reminded of a line from "Self-Esteem" by The Offspring:
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, ri-ight?"
(SIDE NOTE: I STILL CAN'T FREAKING TYPE!!!)
So, Nikki, if you've read this...now you know. I hope it doesn't change anything between us for the worse.
Okay, so say I drop out of college. What am I going to do with my life, flip burgers at McDonald's? Serve ice cream at DQ? Work for minimum wage and get forced onto welfare at Wal*Mart?
Okay, so say I continue on with college and earn a degree that I don't really understand what I'm doing in. I could ask the same question about what I'm going to do with my life.
I can't see a way to win. I can't see a path that ends in anything but a cliff with spikes at the bottom.
You know what I need? A girlfriend. I've noticed that when I have a girlfriend, it's hard to get me depressed. I have motivation and inspiration, and I even seem to be able to learn better. Someone who cares about me and lets me know that, someone who I can strive to better myself for. Someone who will make me feel like I'm not a complete and total loser/moron/whatever-have-you.
That's what I want, anyway. I think maybe it'd help, since it has in the past.
And I want her to be Nikki. But I know she doesn't like me, so I'm stuck yet again...
Things aren't so great at home either. Mom won't freaking stop pestering me about trivial nothings, so I get irked by that. Then she's mad that I'm mad at her for being a freaking nag. And so she nags me more, about getting mad to easily.
She can't FREAKING figure out that I want to be FREAKING left alone, and if I'm left alone then everything she wants me to do will FREAKING GET DONE! UGH!
Dad's no help either, but at least I don't have any fights with him. He just hogs the TV so I can't play beatmania or DDR or anything else on the PS2 unless I go into my room and use my tiny TV and chair that kills every joint in one's body.
I need someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay in the end. Even if it's a lie, that's what I need right now. That's what I'll continue to need until the day I die. If I'm lucky, that day might come soon.
Emo much? Yeah that last part was pretty gloomy, but please don't worry. I'm not going to kill myself; that's just wrong. I may be stupid, but I know the difference between right and wrong.
*sigh*
I guess that's enough depression for you for now. I bet I'm going to get a lot of responses saying things like "I love you, things will be okay in the end", etc etc, and please know that I appreciate all of those so very much, but I really need something more right now.
A job? A girl? A new brain that can learn things I want to learn? I don't know what I need, only what I want.
So here's my to-do list, then:
-Get a job other than my zilch-paying Lab Tech job
-Get out of monetary debt to self and parents ($400 total right now)
-Get a girlfriend, hopefully Nikki but that's probably just a dream...right?
-Figure out what I want to do with my life in general
-Take a leak. I gotta pee. o_o
Slight edit: I ended up getting at home more like 6:30 instead of 8:00. I wasn't stuck at the college until 7:00 after all.
You. If you read that LJ-cut, all of it...I love you. Don't take that the wrong way, anyone; not a romantic kind of love. Okay, anyone other than the person mentioned in there.
That's enough! I'm going to go play some Golden Sun or something so I can forget about everything else, then sit through a class that I understand but can't learn, sit around for another hour...oh what's the point of writing all this routine? No one cares.
~Oddling
Let me warn you right now, this is an unhappy post. If you don't care about my problems or are too busy for me, fine, don't read this.
Those who care enough to read it, I need you all. Don't ever leave me.
Ugh, I'm seeing my life fall down in pieces around me. Right now (when I wrote this, not when I posted) I'm stuck at the college with no food and no way to get food that I can afford, and I'm stuck here until 7PM.
Nikki and I were carpooling, but Hana forgot to give Nikki a ride home just once. So Nikki's mom freaked out and made her drive seperate from me. I can still get rides in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon, but if I drive now I have to pay for a Daily Pass, and if I don't drive on Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm stuck here until all hours of the night. Usually with no food and no way to get it.
And as for college, I'm becoming a miserable failure. More appropriately, I have been since day 1. The only class I can hold my own in is Japanese 201, and there's an oral quiz in there tomorrow that I'm going to fail because I haven't really had time to study for, since my other classes are killing me.
I don't understand what's going on at all in Data Structures; I ordered the textbook and it was supposed to be here a couple days ago at the latest. I guess it's lost in the mail or something, because it "shipped", but I had Expidited Shipping: arrival in 2-4 business days.
(SIDE NOTE: I can't FREAKING type as fast as I think and it's upsetting me horribly!!!)
So if that book would get here, maybe I could read it and miraculously know what's going on. The only reason I'm passing that class is because another guy is doing all the lab work and homework, and putting my name on it. I owe him an unpayable debt, I think.
Don't even get me freaking started on freaking Visual FREAKING Basic! I understand the concepts and know what's supposed to happen, but I don't know how to write the FREAKING CODE FOR IT!! No matter how many times I see it in class or read it in the book, I can't make it FREAKING WORK IN THE HOMEWORK!!
This is what's burning me up the most.
My life dream was to become a Computer Programmer, and now that I'm in college studying it, every class shows me that I can't do it. I just can't learn, no matter how hard or what I try to do it. I'm good with HTML, but anything non-web is just there to torture me because I guess my IQ is too low to comprehend what I need to.
I'm thinking about dropping out of college. I'll finish out this quarter for sure and see how things go from there... I wanted to drop at the beginning of this quarter; my classes were just overwhelming me, even that early on. You wanna know the reason I didn't?
Nikki.
...Yeah, Nikki. Fine, I'm going to let the cat out of the bag: I still like her, even though she turned me down when I asked her out quite a while back. Even if she doesn't like me back, I can't help it. It's just how I feel.
Hanging out with her is the only thing that keeps me coming back here, honestly. I don't know if I should thank her for keeping me going, or blame her for this suffering I'm going through because of everything.
I'm reminded of a line from "Self-Esteem" by The Offspring:
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, ri-ight?"
(SIDE NOTE: I STILL CAN'T FREAKING TYPE!!!)
So, Nikki, if you've read this...now you know. I hope it doesn't change anything between us for the worse.
Okay, so say I drop out of college. What am I going to do with my life, flip burgers at McDonald's? Serve ice cream at DQ? Work for minimum wage and get forced onto welfare at Wal*Mart?
Okay, so say I continue on with college and earn a degree that I don't really understand what I'm doing in. I could ask the same question about what I'm going to do with my life.
I can't see a way to win. I can't see a path that ends in anything but a cliff with spikes at the bottom.
You know what I need? A girlfriend. I've noticed that when I have a girlfriend, it's hard to get me depressed. I have motivation and inspiration, and I even seem to be able to learn better. Someone who cares about me and lets me know that, someone who I can strive to better myself for. Someone who will make me feel like I'm not a complete and total loser/moron/whatever-have-you.
That's what I want, anyway. I think maybe it'd help, since it has in the past.
And I want her to be Nikki. But I know she doesn't like me, so I'm stuck yet again...
Things aren't so great at home either. Mom won't freaking stop pestering me about trivial nothings, so I get irked by that. Then she's mad that I'm mad at her for being a freaking nag. And so she nags me more, about getting mad to easily.
She can't FREAKING figure out that I want to be FREAKING left alone, and if I'm left alone then everything she wants me to do will FREAKING GET DONE! UGH!
Dad's no help either, but at least I don't have any fights with him. He just hogs the TV so I can't play beatmania or DDR or anything else on the PS2 unless I go into my room and use my tiny TV and chair that kills every joint in one's body.
I need someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay in the end. Even if it's a lie, that's what I need right now. That's what I'll continue to need until the day I die. If I'm lucky, that day might come soon.
Emo much? Yeah that last part was pretty gloomy, but please don't worry. I'm not going to kill myself; that's just wrong. I may be stupid, but I know the difference between right and wrong.
*sigh*
I guess that's enough depression for you for now. I bet I'm going to get a lot of responses saying things like "I love you, things will be okay in the end", etc etc, and please know that I appreciate all of those so very much, but I really need something more right now.
A job? A girl? A new brain that can learn things I want to learn? I don't know what I need, only what I want.
So here's my to-do list, then:
-Get a job other than my zilch-paying Lab Tech job
-Get out of monetary debt to self and parents ($400 total right now)
-Get a girlfriend, hopefully Nikki but that's probably just a dream...right?
-Figure out what I want to do with my life in general
-Take a leak. I gotta pee. o_o
Slight edit: I ended up getting at home more like 6:30 instead of 8:00. I wasn't stuck at the college until 7:00 after all.
You. If you read that LJ-cut, all of it...I love you. Don't take that the wrong way, anyone; not a romantic kind of love. Okay, anyone other than the person mentioned in there.
That's enough! I'm going to go play some Golden Sun or something so I can forget about everything else, then sit through a class that I understand but can't learn, sit around for another hour...oh what's the point of writing all this routine? No one cares.
~Oddling