Updates
I know I haven't posted (except to my Most Intimate friends filter) - but there's been a lot of crap flying around in my life. I just haven't had the space to read or write on LJ. I'm hoping that the end of that is in sight now, but.. we'll have to wait and see.
I did tell ruine_ I'd post about one thing, though, so here it is.. :)
Recently we were at a fetish club, and they were holding a Master/slave auction. I don't normally get involved in these sorts of things - because I can rarely if ever bring myself to play casually with someone I don't know very well, on any level at all. Last time this club had an auction, ruine_ and I put ourselves in as a top-couple, but everyone was "too scared of you to bid" :). Guess that's a compliment in the context.
Anyway, I wasn't going to have anything to do with it, but I also felt I should do something, because it was in aid of a charity I feel a strong obligation to support. I mentioned this to ruine_, and not long after that she borrowed some money from me "to get a drink".. Only, she also went and bid on someone in the slave auction for me, and ended up buying me a girl to play with. A very cute girl, I must admit.
Now, this does raise some dilemmas. I really don't want to play casually with this girl - while she's attractive, I don't know her well, there's no spark of interest between us, she's considerably younger than me, and very inexperienced.
But I'm holding a piece of paper with her name on it, so I need to go talk to her. Actually, it goes pretty well. I make her tell me what she's looking for, say point-blank that I will not give her some of those things, and work out with her that we'll get together at the next club.. and I'll show her some things in a more mentor/student mode. That feels very right.
We'll see, anyway. If I can spin together some experiences for her that help her understand, explore, and move forwards on the path she's trying to find.. That will feel very good for me, and hopefully for her.
Next time, I might just auction off ruine_.. :) As a top, of course :)
Things like this always throw up questions for me about casual play. I don't have any moral objection to myself (or anyone else) playing casually - it just seems pretty empty to me. For me, any kind of intimacy arises out of a mutual connection - enough to allow me to know how to reach out and press those buttons, enough that I feel comfortable sharing energy, sharing space, sharing part of myself. The deeper I look into tantra, the more important it becomes that every connection I make is made with "complete integrity".
As I follow my halting path into tantra, I find that the connection, the integrity, becomes more and more important - until I'm sure it will eventually be essential for me - that I could not have anything in the order of sexual intimacy without it.. But I also see that when you reach the inner core of tantra, it no longer matters who your partner is - that you can find sacredness with anyone. But I'm not there yet :)
There are some others, beyond ruine_, that I could find that connection with.. but then, I'd need to be sure they understood it was something significant for me, something sacred, not just casual fun. One-off moments can be charged, and full of integrity too, but then they aren't "casual".
So generally, it's too complex to be worth bothering with. It's easy for me to avoid anyway, at least locally, male-doms never get asked to play. Hints are dropped, but if you ignore them, no-one ever actually asks.
ruine_ gets more than hints, of course. But they always seem to run away when they realise she's with me :) Not that I'd mind her playing, if she wanted to - she'd choose to play as a top with anyone else she played with anyway. (although I can see myself pushing her boundaries on that one, if I had an appropriate dom/me to "give her to") - but that, again, would need to be someone who'd understand..
In the end, I know that boundaries, even my own, are fluid.. they give a certain amount, flow a certain amount, pool in certain places.. and stagnate if they don't have a certain amount of movement.
So, this is something I'll be questioning till the day I fully 'grok' tantra, I think.
I did tell ruine_ I'd post about one thing, though, so here it is.. :)
Recently we were at a fetish club, and they were holding a Master/slave auction. I don't normally get involved in these sorts of things - because I can rarely if ever bring myself to play casually with someone I don't know very well, on any level at all. Last time this club had an auction, ruine_ and I put ourselves in as a top-couple, but everyone was "too scared of you to bid" :). Guess that's a compliment in the context.
Anyway, I wasn't going to have anything to do with it, but I also felt I should do something, because it was in aid of a charity I feel a strong obligation to support. I mentioned this to ruine_, and not long after that she borrowed some money from me "to get a drink".. Only, she also went and bid on someone in the slave auction for me, and ended up buying me a girl to play with. A very cute girl, I must admit.
Now, this does raise some dilemmas. I really don't want to play casually with this girl - while she's attractive, I don't know her well, there's no spark of interest between us, she's considerably younger than me, and very inexperienced.
But I'm holding a piece of paper with her name on it, so I need to go talk to her. Actually, it goes pretty well. I make her tell me what she's looking for, say point-blank that I will not give her some of those things, and work out with her that we'll get together at the next club.. and I'll show her some things in a more mentor/student mode. That feels very right.
We'll see, anyway. If I can spin together some experiences for her that help her understand, explore, and move forwards on the path she's trying to find.. That will feel very good for me, and hopefully for her.
Next time, I might just auction off ruine_.. :) As a top, of course :)
Things like this always throw up questions for me about casual play. I don't have any moral objection to myself (or anyone else) playing casually - it just seems pretty empty to me. For me, any kind of intimacy arises out of a mutual connection - enough to allow me to know how to reach out and press those buttons, enough that I feel comfortable sharing energy, sharing space, sharing part of myself. The deeper I look into tantra, the more important it becomes that every connection I make is made with "complete integrity".
As I follow my halting path into tantra, I find that the connection, the integrity, becomes more and more important - until I'm sure it will eventually be essential for me - that I could not have anything in the order of sexual intimacy without it.. But I also see that when you reach the inner core of tantra, it no longer matters who your partner is - that you can find sacredness with anyone. But I'm not there yet :)
There are some others, beyond ruine_, that I could find that connection with.. but then, I'd need to be sure they understood it was something significant for me, something sacred, not just casual fun. One-off moments can be charged, and full of integrity too, but then they aren't "casual".
So generally, it's too complex to be worth bothering with. It's easy for me to avoid anyway, at least locally, male-doms never get asked to play. Hints are dropped, but if you ignore them, no-one ever actually asks.
ruine_ gets more than hints, of course. But they always seem to run away when they realise she's with me :) Not that I'd mind her playing, if she wanted to - she'd choose to play as a top with anyone else she played with anyway. (although I can see myself pushing her boundaries on that one, if I had an appropriate dom/me to "give her to") - but that, again, would need to be someone who'd understand..
In the end, I know that boundaries, even my own, are fluid.. they give a certain amount, flow a certain amount, pool in certain places.. and stagnate if they don't have a certain amount of movement.
So, this is something I'll be questioning till the day I fully 'grok' tantra, I think.