Connections
Although I've always known I'm bisexual.. there have also been very few men I've ever been attracted to. I find attraction with women easily, but with men rarely. For a long time, I have had no opportunity to express that attraction even if I felt it.
But, it didn't matter. There had only been perhaps three men I genuinely found myself attracted to, found myself wanting - so it was easy to let the other, lesser, feelings slip past. But I was beginning to feel like I needed to be able to express that side of myself, to find that connection with a man and express it, somehow.
Of those three men I felt strongly for, probably the man I connected most with was P. Over quite a few years we built a great friendship. Mostly we spoke a lot online, but we met up when we could, and even shared holidays together. But when I knew him, there was no chance of acting on that connection.. I wasn't even admitting my bisexuality to myself at that time, never mind others.. we never discussed it. My relationship made that impossible too. I never knew whether he was interested or not... I also felt there was a D/s dynamic between us, but I was sure he wasn't aware of it, and perhaps I was imagining it. When, over five years ago, he got married, and moved to America, I never thought I would get the chance to find out.
A few months back, P. asked if he could visit me. We chatted a bit by email beforehand, I found that he'd discovered his submissive side since we last met, had been exploring the fetish scene in the US, and was open to other relationships. He found out that I was now accepting my bisexuality, was in a new and special relationship where I could be myself a lot more. But I didn't expect much. I was hoping we'd talk, we'd discuss D/s, bisexuality, remember old times.. I didn't expect more.
But he visited. And there was more. A lot more. It happened; we flowed right back into the connection we used to have... only this time, there was nothing to stop us. ruine_ was happy for me to explore, encouraged me. So, I explored.
The first night we talked a lot, then walked up the road to a gay club. That in itself was interesting, I've never been to that club before and felt completely accepted, but being there with a man made all the difference. (Bisexual invisibility works both ways, it seems). We got flirted with by a crazy girl who kept threatening to snog P. ("No, no, no.. don't snog me", he protested with a twinkle in his eye. Bisexuals have all the fun!).. We danced a lot, had the dance-floor to ourselves for a good while too. Then, as it started to get crowded, we headed back home. And ended up in bed for some very nice, very intimate (but quite sleepy) snuggles.
The next day, ruine_ was coming round and the three of us were going to a fetish club. ruine_ was quite nervous - a few of my old friends have expressed the opinion that she's bad for me, and I guess it's hard to ignore that even when you know that they have alterior motives for saying so, or are expressing loyalty to ex-partners of mine. But I'd always said that P. would give her an honest opinion, tell her exactly what he thought, without bias. So, it must have felt strange.. Meeting my old friend and now lover, feeling that he would be judging her. I knew, without doubt, that they'd click, connect, and be friends within moments of meeting.. But she couldn't know that.
Just as well I was right, hmm? They got on fantastically well. And we all headed out clubbing. I'd taken toys with us to the club, but wasn't entirely sure about playing there. I just wanted to wait and see what the moment brought. In the end, ruine_ told me just to play with P. She wanted to watch, and he wanted her there so he could tell it was all OK with her. So, we found a quietish corner, and set up to play.
Now, it's not usual for guys to play to play together at this particular club. I think the organisers would like to consider it "pansexual", but in practice, it doesn't happen. There's still an element of fear over male bisexuality among the community, which arose out of the swingers community, I think. So, in a way, I think all three of us found it rather satisfying to do the unexpected.. and make it normal. But once we began to play, the setting blurred into nothing, and I didn't care what anyone outside the three of us thought. I connected with P., and he with me, through the play, I connected with ruine_ because she was close and involved, P. connected with ruine_ by reaching out to her. How we played connected all three of us - built those flowing bridges of energy that brought us all together. In that scene, in that space, with my energy connected so closely to that of both ruine_ and P., I began to find a strength and energy I haven't had for a long time. I began to shake off the fuzzy haze that's haunted me all year.
It wasn't till afterwards as we sat and quietly talked, that I realised why ruine_ hadn't wanted me to play with her. It had been so long since I had that energy, that connection.. that it had likewise been a long time since I'd taken her deep. And she would have fought hard -- in a way neither of us would have wanted to be on public display. But it began there, the energy and connections reawakening.
We moved on, and went dancing. Well, I danced. ruine_ spent most of the night talking and laughing with P. - and flirting with "random cleavage" when I was dancing with P. But that's a normal night out with ruine_ - I can never get her near the dancefloor, she's always wrapped up in conversation with a cute girl somewhere :) Although on this particular night, she spent most of it talking to a cute guy (and buying us both too much beer).
When we got back late, I was so tired I fell asleep on the living room floor while ruine_ and P. chatted. Eventually, when I stirred, and announced I was going to bed, ruine_ said "What about sleeping arrangements?". She began to insist that P. should sleep with me and she should sleep downstairs, because he was only around a few days. I said I wanted to sleep with my girl. My girl argued. I was too tired to care, so I went to bed, announcing "You two sort it out, and I'll be asleep by the time you do"... Well, I was, but what they sorted out was to both wake me up together, by pouncing me. Yum.. (teine stops writing for a good while while he remembers that.. Mmmmm).
Hmm, yes, I missed a bit there. But then I missed it at the time too. It probably won't make sense to my readers outside the UK, but just before I went up to bed, ruine_ was making "3-2-1" gestures at me.. And I couldn't figure out why.. :) Oh well, I figured out out later.
The next day, we went for coffee in our favourite cafe.. While we were there P. mentioned that he and his partner make a point of 'christening' every room in their house. We said we'd planned to do the same - although we might have to get nit-picky about what a room is, to make sure there are enough of them. Then P. asked, "would it be really cheeky to ask if I could help christen your dungeon?". From the grin on ruine_'s face, I knew she wanted that too. I don't think I've ever seen ruine_ leave a cup of tea unfinished, but for some reason she and P. just wanted to get home right away, and the tea became orphaned on the table.
Of course, when we did get home, I suddenly felt the need to... play card games, drink cups of tea.. take a long time planning what we might do downstairs, while of course allowing anticipation to build. The tension was getting so tight you could cut it with a knife, but I wanted every last little bit of energy focussed on what we were doing..
I'm not going to write about that scene right now. This is a long post already, and that merits a post all of its own. What I will say is that I played ruine_ and P. off each other, then made them look after each other.. ruine_ fought me, and her brat surfaced. That stopped when I reminded her how deeply I can get to her. I told P. I love him.. although he already knew.. then let them both lean on my love, and on each other, as I played with them harder than I've ever played with anyone before. The connection we all made, in that space, was incredible, affirming, and intimate, beyond what even I'd expected.
As I said, I'll write about it later..
But what can I say.. The one man I've always wanted.. I have. We have a D/s connection, a sexual connection, a friendship, and love.. He connects with ruine_ too.. He's been able to show her, not just tell her, how she is good for me, how she does enhance and enrich my life. And through connecting with them both, I've shaken off the haze that has clouded me all year.
Ok, so once again I've fallen for someone who lives several thousand miles away.. and at best I can borrow him from his wife every couple of years, but the connection shows me whats possible, who I am. The connection survives time, and distance. I feel complete, and I am.. myself again.
The connection I have with ruine_ made this possible, the connection we found with P. gave us such a boost of energy just when we needed it, the energy we found just washed out all the shadows in my life... and let me see clearly. This is a time for re-evaluating friendships for me, in many ways... But now I know, what I want from the closest of those connections.
I'm happy. I haven't been able to say that, without reservation, for such a long time. And I'm not happy because of some connection I have to someone else. I'm happy because of who I am, within my self.
P. has a LiveJournal too now, he's dobhran. I know he'd like to make some good connections to discuss D/s, BDSM, relationships, life and love with.. and I have such wonderful people on my friends list. I hope you'll make him feel welcome, both at my fireside, and beyond.
But, it didn't matter. There had only been perhaps three men I genuinely found myself attracted to, found myself wanting - so it was easy to let the other, lesser, feelings slip past. But I was beginning to feel like I needed to be able to express that side of myself, to find that connection with a man and express it, somehow.
Of those three men I felt strongly for, probably the man I connected most with was P. Over quite a few years we built a great friendship. Mostly we spoke a lot online, but we met up when we could, and even shared holidays together. But when I knew him, there was no chance of acting on that connection.. I wasn't even admitting my bisexuality to myself at that time, never mind others.. we never discussed it. My relationship made that impossible too. I never knew whether he was interested or not... I also felt there was a D/s dynamic between us, but I was sure he wasn't aware of it, and perhaps I was imagining it. When, over five years ago, he got married, and moved to America, I never thought I would get the chance to find out.
A few months back, P. asked if he could visit me. We chatted a bit by email beforehand, I found that he'd discovered his submissive side since we last met, had been exploring the fetish scene in the US, and was open to other relationships. He found out that I was now accepting my bisexuality, was in a new and special relationship where I could be myself a lot more. But I didn't expect much. I was hoping we'd talk, we'd discuss D/s, bisexuality, remember old times.. I didn't expect more.
But he visited. And there was more. A lot more. It happened; we flowed right back into the connection we used to have... only this time, there was nothing to stop us. ruine_ was happy for me to explore, encouraged me. So, I explored.
The first night we talked a lot, then walked up the road to a gay club. That in itself was interesting, I've never been to that club before and felt completely accepted, but being there with a man made all the difference. (Bisexual invisibility works both ways, it seems). We got flirted with by a crazy girl who kept threatening to snog P. ("No, no, no.. don't snog me", he protested with a twinkle in his eye. Bisexuals have all the fun!).. We danced a lot, had the dance-floor to ourselves for a good while too. Then, as it started to get crowded, we headed back home. And ended up in bed for some very nice, very intimate (but quite sleepy) snuggles.
The next day, ruine_ was coming round and the three of us were going to a fetish club. ruine_ was quite nervous - a few of my old friends have expressed the opinion that she's bad for me, and I guess it's hard to ignore that even when you know that they have alterior motives for saying so, or are expressing loyalty to ex-partners of mine. But I'd always said that P. would give her an honest opinion, tell her exactly what he thought, without bias. So, it must have felt strange.. Meeting my old friend and now lover, feeling that he would be judging her. I knew, without doubt, that they'd click, connect, and be friends within moments of meeting.. But she couldn't know that.
Just as well I was right, hmm? They got on fantastically well. And we all headed out clubbing. I'd taken toys with us to the club, but wasn't entirely sure about playing there. I just wanted to wait and see what the moment brought. In the end, ruine_ told me just to play with P. She wanted to watch, and he wanted her there so he could tell it was all OK with her. So, we found a quietish corner, and set up to play.
Now, it's not usual for guys to play to play together at this particular club. I think the organisers would like to consider it "pansexual", but in practice, it doesn't happen. There's still an element of fear over male bisexuality among the community, which arose out of the swingers community, I think. So, in a way, I think all three of us found it rather satisfying to do the unexpected.. and make it normal. But once we began to play, the setting blurred into nothing, and I didn't care what anyone outside the three of us thought. I connected with P., and he with me, through the play, I connected with ruine_ because she was close and involved, P. connected with ruine_ by reaching out to her. How we played connected all three of us - built those flowing bridges of energy that brought us all together. In that scene, in that space, with my energy connected so closely to that of both ruine_ and P., I began to find a strength and energy I haven't had for a long time. I began to shake off the fuzzy haze that's haunted me all year.
It wasn't till afterwards as we sat and quietly talked, that I realised why ruine_ hadn't wanted me to play with her. It had been so long since I had that energy, that connection.. that it had likewise been a long time since I'd taken her deep. And she would have fought hard -- in a way neither of us would have wanted to be on public display. But it began there, the energy and connections reawakening.
We moved on, and went dancing. Well, I danced. ruine_ spent most of the night talking and laughing with P. - and flirting with "random cleavage" when I was dancing with P. But that's a normal night out with ruine_ - I can never get her near the dancefloor, she's always wrapped up in conversation with a cute girl somewhere :) Although on this particular night, she spent most of it talking to a cute guy (and buying us both too much beer).
When we got back late, I was so tired I fell asleep on the living room floor while ruine_ and P. chatted. Eventually, when I stirred, and announced I was going to bed, ruine_ said "What about sleeping arrangements?". She began to insist that P. should sleep with me and she should sleep downstairs, because he was only around a few days. I said I wanted to sleep with my girl. My girl argued. I was too tired to care, so I went to bed, announcing "You two sort it out, and I'll be asleep by the time you do"... Well, I was, but what they sorted out was to both wake me up together, by pouncing me. Yum.. (teine stops writing for a good while while he remembers that.. Mmmmm).
Hmm, yes, I missed a bit there. But then I missed it at the time too. It probably won't make sense to my readers outside the UK, but just before I went up to bed, ruine_ was making "3-2-1" gestures at me.. And I couldn't figure out why.. :) Oh well, I figured out out later.
The next day, we went for coffee in our favourite cafe.. While we were there P. mentioned that he and his partner make a point of 'christening' every room in their house. We said we'd planned to do the same - although we might have to get nit-picky about what a room is, to make sure there are enough of them. Then P. asked, "would it be really cheeky to ask if I could help christen your dungeon?". From the grin on ruine_'s face, I knew she wanted that too. I don't think I've ever seen ruine_ leave a cup of tea unfinished, but for some reason she and P. just wanted to get home right away, and the tea became orphaned on the table.
Of course, when we did get home, I suddenly felt the need to... play card games, drink cups of tea.. take a long time planning what we might do downstairs, while of course allowing anticipation to build. The tension was getting so tight you could cut it with a knife, but I wanted every last little bit of energy focussed on what we were doing..
I'm not going to write about that scene right now. This is a long post already, and that merits a post all of its own. What I will say is that I played ruine_ and P. off each other, then made them look after each other.. ruine_ fought me, and her brat surfaced. That stopped when I reminded her how deeply I can get to her. I told P. I love him.. although he already knew.. then let them both lean on my love, and on each other, as I played with them harder than I've ever played with anyone before. The connection we all made, in that space, was incredible, affirming, and intimate, beyond what even I'd expected.
As I said, I'll write about it later..
But what can I say.. The one man I've always wanted.. I have. We have a D/s connection, a sexual connection, a friendship, and love.. He connects with ruine_ too.. He's been able to show her, not just tell her, how she is good for me, how she does enhance and enrich my life. And through connecting with them both, I've shaken off the haze that has clouded me all year.
Ok, so once again I've fallen for someone who lives several thousand miles away.. and at best I can borrow him from his wife every couple of years, but the connection shows me whats possible, who I am. The connection survives time, and distance. I feel complete, and I am.. myself again.
The connection I have with ruine_ made this possible, the connection we found with P. gave us such a boost of energy just when we needed it, the energy we found just washed out all the shadows in my life... and let me see clearly. This is a time for re-evaluating friendships for me, in many ways... But now I know, what I want from the closest of those connections.
I'm happy. I haven't been able to say that, without reservation, for such a long time. And I'm not happy because of some connection I have to someone else. I'm happy because of who I am, within my self.
P. has a LiveJournal too now, he's dobhran. I know he'd like to make some good connections to discuss D/s, BDSM, relationships, life and love with.. and I have such wonderful people on my friends list. I hope you'll make him feel welcome, both at my fireside, and beyond.