Addiction
I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but my doc told me that it would take two months before the Lupron would have enough effect for me to notice a difference in my level of discomfort.
That's two months in which I will be taking Percocet in order to function.
Our car broke down on Sunday, and hubby and I spent three hours out in the heat as a result. As an added bonus, I had had none of my pain meds before it happened, and by the time we got home, well, I decided that I would try to go a day without anything. I should have taken the anti-inflammatory (I paid for not doing so the next day) but one the whole, it wasn't so bad. Yeah, I was pretty miserable, but three hours in the heat pretty much guaranteed that I wouldn't be doing much once I got home, anyway. Most importantly, I didn't feel like I HAD to take the Percocet. Yeah, I wanted to, but it was because of the discomfort in my abdomen, not because I was "jonesing" at all.
But how long will that lack of need last? How long will I be able to resist taking the pills as they were prescribed. Now, I take only the bare minimum I need in order to work and go about my daily routine, but even according to the script, I could be taking more. A lot more, actually.
I'll say this flat out - I'm scared. Scared of being a junkie. Scared of being dependent upon pills in order to be able to have any quality of life. And I'm scared of *needing* them in a way that I don't yet understand.
Lately, because of the stress of this, I've been taking Ambien almost every night to combat my insomnia. Yeah, the doctor said that I could, but I don't like it. I used to ration the damn things. Now, I need them to sleep. And right now, I can't afford the rebound insomnia that comes from going off of them, so I can't stop at this moment.
I've spent most of my adult life avoiding addiction. I don't smoke, I barely drink and the one time that I tried a drug that I *really* liked, I was happy that I couldn't do it all the time because I was finally able to see how someone *could* become addicted. Now, it feels like my choice in the matter has been taken away.
I hurt. I hurt a lot. I hurt on and off, all day, every day. I use heating pads. I go to the bathroom as often as possible (even more than I used to) to keep my bladder from putting *any* pressure on the area. I stretch. And if I'm really honest, I have to admit that the pain meds that I'm using, at the levels at which I'm using them, aren't really helping. Well, I guess I have to admit that the anti-inflammatory does - maybe I just need an even stronger one of those? I already switched from Naproxen to Peroxicam - maybe I should pay the extra money for Celebrex. Or ask if there's a stronger version of Peroxicam?
In any case, it's not any rationalization at this point to say that I *need* the painkillers. But what about two months from now, when the Lupron (hopefully) starts to work? What then? Will I be so hopelessly addicted to the Percocet that I think that I *still* need them, regardless of my actual condition?
It's wearing to be in pain all the time. It's wearing to resist the temptation to take the pills as directed and get addicted that much faster. It's wearing to think that I have at least six more weeks of this before I'm anywhere close to feeling better.
I just wish that I knew of someone who went through something like this *without* getting addicted. I wish that it didn't seem like such a foregone conclusion that I *will* get addicted. It doesn't help that everything on the internet seems to point in that direction, either.
I guess all that I can say at this point is: Fuck me. Fuck me, sideways.
:) (It's either smile or cry and crying hurts.)
That's two months in which I will be taking Percocet in order to function.
Our car broke down on Sunday, and hubby and I spent three hours out in the heat as a result. As an added bonus, I had had none of my pain meds before it happened, and by the time we got home, well, I decided that I would try to go a day without anything. I should have taken the anti-inflammatory (I paid for not doing so the next day) but one the whole, it wasn't so bad. Yeah, I was pretty miserable, but three hours in the heat pretty much guaranteed that I wouldn't be doing much once I got home, anyway. Most importantly, I didn't feel like I HAD to take the Percocet. Yeah, I wanted to, but it was because of the discomfort in my abdomen, not because I was "jonesing" at all.
But how long will that lack of need last? How long will I be able to resist taking the pills as they were prescribed. Now, I take only the bare minimum I need in order to work and go about my daily routine, but even according to the script, I could be taking more. A lot more, actually.
I'll say this flat out - I'm scared. Scared of being a junkie. Scared of being dependent upon pills in order to be able to have any quality of life. And I'm scared of *needing* them in a way that I don't yet understand.
Lately, because of the stress of this, I've been taking Ambien almost every night to combat my insomnia. Yeah, the doctor said that I could, but I don't like it. I used to ration the damn things. Now, I need them to sleep. And right now, I can't afford the rebound insomnia that comes from going off of them, so I can't stop at this moment.
I've spent most of my adult life avoiding addiction. I don't smoke, I barely drink and the one time that I tried a drug that I *really* liked, I was happy that I couldn't do it all the time because I was finally able to see how someone *could* become addicted. Now, it feels like my choice in the matter has been taken away.
I hurt. I hurt a lot. I hurt on and off, all day, every day. I use heating pads. I go to the bathroom as often as possible (even more than I used to) to keep my bladder from putting *any* pressure on the area. I stretch. And if I'm really honest, I have to admit that the pain meds that I'm using, at the levels at which I'm using them, aren't really helping. Well, I guess I have to admit that the anti-inflammatory does - maybe I just need an even stronger one of those? I already switched from Naproxen to Peroxicam - maybe I should pay the extra money for Celebrex. Or ask if there's a stronger version of Peroxicam?
In any case, it's not any rationalization at this point to say that I *need* the painkillers. But what about two months from now, when the Lupron (hopefully) starts to work? What then? Will I be so hopelessly addicted to the Percocet that I think that I *still* need them, regardless of my actual condition?
It's wearing to be in pain all the time. It's wearing to resist the temptation to take the pills as directed and get addicted that much faster. It's wearing to think that I have at least six more weeks of this before I'm anywhere close to feeling better.
I just wish that I knew of someone who went through something like this *without* getting addicted. I wish that it didn't seem like such a foregone conclusion that I *will* get addicted. It doesn't help that everything on the internet seems to point in that direction, either.
I guess all that I can say at this point is: Fuck me. Fuck me, sideways.
:) (It's either smile or cry and crying hurts.)