Fic commentary meme! "Going Back, Going Home"
Over at my real journal, frogy requested this scene from Going Back, Going Home. (Anyone reading this is welcome to request, too -- pick a fic/scene and let me babble at you.)
Voices drift towards them. Kendall goes tense, peering into the darkness. A couple of figures are sort of approaching -- not heading directly towards them, just wandering slowly. He can't make out the words, can't tell much of anything about them. But eventually they see him and James. They freeze.
[Okay, so, it is not exactly a big secret that this town is based loosely on my hometown. This scene could basically be called Becky Always Wanted To Move Out. The girl is partially, very loosely, based on me, but mostly I was going for the feeling of some of my friends' and my late night wandering-through-field stuff.]
James holds up a hand, holding his beer. The people come closer. Two of them, and now that Kendall can see them clearly, he sees how young they are -- definitely teenagers. Kendall scrambles up, his leg stiff and aching from the cold, and he gives James a hand. The teens stare at them.
Finally one, a girl, says, "Aren't you James Diamond?" [Except I would never be that calm when talking to someone famous.]
"Yup," James says.
"This looks weird, doesn't it?" Kendall murmurs. [I love in canon when Kendall occasionally realizes how weird his life is so I toss that line into fic a lot.] He shoves his hands in his pockets, and when a breeze picks up he worries a little about freezing to death. [I was writing this going "But I need to make sure it's clear that it's COLD," because I guess I was afraid people would think I'd forgotten it had been sleeting a few scenes previously.]
"What are you doing here?" she asks.
"Visiting home," James says, his voice is steadier now. Maybe the moment passed, or maybe he's just putting on a front for the people watching. Kendall hates that he can't instantly tell anymore. [Also, I couldn't decide.] James gestures around. "I grew up here. Bet you kids are too young to even remember what this place was like..."
"My dad lived here," the boy volunteers. He pauses, then reaches into his pocket. "Hey, you got a light?" [This kid is a genius who plans to smoke but doesn't bring a lighter, I guess. I mean, also he's asking James because James is cool, but that wasn't my first thought.]
Kendall shakes his head, but James searches his pockets and produces a matchbook with some hotel's logo. The kid accepts it and lights a joint. He inhales and then passes it to James, who does the same.
Kendall almost laughs. Adults in this town swoon over James, but these kids obviously don't care. He thinks back, realizes how important it would have been to him not to come across as to impressed, either, when he was their age. Fawning isn't cool, and even though smoking up with a celebrity would have been the coolest thing he'd ever done -- not that he smoked back then, but still -- he would have tried so hard to pretend he didn't care. [Teenagers are disaffected, yo.]
When the joint comes to Kendall, he hesitates, then decides it doesn't matter. He takes a single hit and passes it on. It doesn't do much, but it does take the edge off. He feels less weird about standing and shivering, his jeans covered in mud. [Um, so I've never smoked and all this is based on vague impressions.]
The boy asks, "What's it like in LA?"
"Great," James says. "Sunny. And warm. I love it."
"I'm gonna move there someday," the boy says. [My goal for the boy was for him to be a less motivated version of James -- he's got big dreams but not the drive James had, and probably not the talent (obviously that doesn't come up). What for James was an actual, serious life plan, is just something this kid daydreams about but would never actually go after.]
"Yeah, right," the girl mutters. [...this is one of the places where the girl is me.]
"Why not? It worked for him. I'm gonna get out of here. You'll see. I hate it here."
"I'll drink to that," James says, and stoops to pick up another of his unopened cans. "What are you doing out here, anyway?"
"Duh," the girl says, waving the rest of the joint in front of her face. [This is not.] "My parents would kill me if they caught me with this shit."
"You come out here a lot?" James asks.
"Nowhere else to go." She shrugs. [We didn't have anything as specific as this field, but there were lots of woods and fields to wander through in my town. There wasn't much to do, so wandering and talking, and smoking/drinking for people who were less goodie-two-shoes than my friends and I were.] "We live down the way. Shelter Pines." [I cut a huuuuge amount of pointless exposition about the town, which included the names and relative locations of all of the trailer parks. Shelter Pines was meant to be mentioned there.]
"Oh." James nods. "Kids come out here a lot?"
"We aren't kids," the boy says.
"Sorry." James doesn't sound sorry, though. [James thinks they are practically fetuses. This is how I feel about the characters on the show.]
"I guess people hang out here," she says. "We're not supposed to, it's private property or whatever, but who cares? No one is ever here."
"Mmm." James considers that, then, to the boy, "You get good grades?" [I hope it was clear that this whole scene is basically James' coming-to-terms sequence. He's always going to see himself as pretty damaged and always faking success to outsiders, but when he looks at these two kids he just sees some teens who want to see the world outside their town. It's when he starts thinking about being a positive part of the town instead of just avoiding it, which is why he starts prying about things like grades.]
"Huh?"
"That's how you're supposed to get out of here. Good grades. Go to college."
"Whatever," the boy says. "School sucks."
The girl snorts. "I'm going to college." [Girl = me again.]
"Good," Kendall says.
"Yeah," James agrees. "And -- and both of you. I mean this. If you want to get out of here, you know, get good grades, and then... if you're in LA, look me up. I'll see if I can help you." [Aww, see, he's trying to be helpful.]
"Seriously?" the boy asks, eyes wide.
"Sure," James says. "Why not? Lots of people helped me. Especially Kendall." He nudges Kendall with his elbow. [James feels like 1) he will owe Kendall forever for getting him a shot at his dream; 2) he will owe Kendall forever for all the times Kendall was the one who he collapsed on. This is also when he starts thinking about how much Kendall has always centered his life around him.]
"You really mean it?" the girl asks.
"I really do." James pulls out his phone, asks for their names and numbers. He sends them on to Rob to keep in his contacts file, so he'll know who they are, keep his promise. [Look at me avoiding making up names for these children…] The kids stare at him with giant eyes. Kendall thinks that James just changed their lives, gave them something to work towards instead of just running away.
That's something James never had. For him, getting famous was always about getting away. Money, fame, girlfriends -- all of that was just a way of putting more distance between himself and this town. [You're supposed to come right out and state your character's motivations, right? Also I am annoyed at myself for listing "fame" as part of "getting famous." Good writing, self.]
"Jamie," Kendall says eventually. "I'm fucking freezing." [Did I mention it was cold?]
"Yeah. Yeah," James says, then, to the kids, "You driving?" Two identical head shakes. "Good. Okay. Help yourself." He nudges the few remaining cans of beer with his shoe. [Those cans were bottles in an earlier scene. Whoops.] They're lying abandoned in the mud. "Just don't be stupid. And I mean it, get your grades up."
"I will," the boy says. "Thank you, uh, Mr. Diamond." [And now he's won the kids over so instead of disaffected they're a little awestruck. More by his offering to help them than by the beer.]
"Oh, god. James. Just call me James," James says. He laughs and claps the boy on the shoulder, shoots the girl his most dazzling smile, and he and Kendall head back towards the car. Kendall turns on the heat, and now that they're in an enclosed space, he can smell the weed on James. He sighs and takes them home.
As they're falling asleep together, James still a little high, James says, "Why do you keep calling me that?"
"Hmm?" Kendall asks sleepily, and slides his hand across James' torso, feeling warm skin and defined muscles. For some reason this, curling up together, feels more intimate than sex somehow. [Ha ha! Clever counterpoint to the first time they had sex in the fic! Or that was my intention. Anyway, that felt less intimate to Kendall because he realized it's something James does all the time; this is not.]
"You keep calling me Jamie. You haven't since I was a kid."
"Don't know," Kendall admits and thinks about it. It just feels right. It's that when James is like this, vulnerable, not putting on a front, he seems young. Like the kid Kendall remembers, not the celebrity the rest of the world knows. Maybe that's silly or stupid, but this is his Jamie, the wrecked boy who showed up on his doorstep. He's not the world's James Diamond. Not right now. [Uh, for a guy who doesn't know why he's doing it, that's an awfully specific thought process.]
[Side note: I'm incredibly picky about when I like nicknames to be used in fic. They've never called him Jamie in canon that I remember, but I actually kind of love the idea that everyone called him that when he was much younger and he had a whole growing out of it period when he decided, in a very bratty manner, he was James and not Jamie, and it being something the guys use during really familial moments.]
"You mind?" Kendall murmurs, not even sure if James is awake.
James slurs, "Never minded b'fore," and rolls over, pulling Kendall into his arms. [Of course, if what I just typed were accurate in this fic, James would totally have minded previously, but that's not the point.]
They drift off like that.
Voices drift towards them. Kendall goes tense, peering into the darkness. A couple of figures are sort of approaching -- not heading directly towards them, just wandering slowly. He can't make out the words, can't tell much of anything about them. But eventually they see him and James. They freeze.
[Okay, so, it is not exactly a big secret that this town is based loosely on my hometown. This scene could basically be called Becky Always Wanted To Move Out. The girl is partially, very loosely, based on me, but mostly I was going for the feeling of some of my friends' and my late night wandering-through-field stuff.]
James holds up a hand, holding his beer. The people come closer. Two of them, and now that Kendall can see them clearly, he sees how young they are -- definitely teenagers. Kendall scrambles up, his leg stiff and aching from the cold, and he gives James a hand. The teens stare at them.
Finally one, a girl, says, "Aren't you James Diamond?" [Except I would never be that calm when talking to someone famous.]
"Yup," James says.
"This looks weird, doesn't it?" Kendall murmurs. [I love in canon when Kendall occasionally realizes how weird his life is so I toss that line into fic a lot.] He shoves his hands in his pockets, and when a breeze picks up he worries a little about freezing to death. [I was writing this going "But I need to make sure it's clear that it's COLD," because I guess I was afraid people would think I'd forgotten it had been sleeting a few scenes previously.]
"What are you doing here?" she asks.
"Visiting home," James says, his voice is steadier now. Maybe the moment passed, or maybe he's just putting on a front for the people watching. Kendall hates that he can't instantly tell anymore. [Also, I couldn't decide.] James gestures around. "I grew up here. Bet you kids are too young to even remember what this place was like..."
"My dad lived here," the boy volunteers. He pauses, then reaches into his pocket. "Hey, you got a light?" [This kid is a genius who plans to smoke but doesn't bring a lighter, I guess. I mean, also he's asking James because James is cool, but that wasn't my first thought.]
Kendall shakes his head, but James searches his pockets and produces a matchbook with some hotel's logo. The kid accepts it and lights a joint. He inhales and then passes it to James, who does the same.
Kendall almost laughs. Adults in this town swoon over James, but these kids obviously don't care. He thinks back, realizes how important it would have been to him not to come across as to impressed, either, when he was their age. Fawning isn't cool, and even though smoking up with a celebrity would have been the coolest thing he'd ever done -- not that he smoked back then, but still -- he would have tried so hard to pretend he didn't care. [Teenagers are disaffected, yo.]
When the joint comes to Kendall, he hesitates, then decides it doesn't matter. He takes a single hit and passes it on. It doesn't do much, but it does take the edge off. He feels less weird about standing and shivering, his jeans covered in mud. [Um, so I've never smoked and all this is based on vague impressions.]
The boy asks, "What's it like in LA?"
"Great," James says. "Sunny. And warm. I love it."
"I'm gonna move there someday," the boy says. [My goal for the boy was for him to be a less motivated version of James -- he's got big dreams but not the drive James had, and probably not the talent (obviously that doesn't come up). What for James was an actual, serious life plan, is just something this kid daydreams about but would never actually go after.]
"Yeah, right," the girl mutters. [...this is one of the places where the girl is me.]
"Why not? It worked for him. I'm gonna get out of here. You'll see. I hate it here."
"I'll drink to that," James says, and stoops to pick up another of his unopened cans. "What are you doing out here, anyway?"
"Duh," the girl says, waving the rest of the joint in front of her face. [This is not.] "My parents would kill me if they caught me with this shit."
"You come out here a lot?" James asks.
"Nowhere else to go." She shrugs. [We didn't have anything as specific as this field, but there were lots of woods and fields to wander through in my town. There wasn't much to do, so wandering and talking, and smoking/drinking for people who were less goodie-two-shoes than my friends and I were.] "We live down the way. Shelter Pines." [I cut a huuuuge amount of pointless exposition about the town, which included the names and relative locations of all of the trailer parks. Shelter Pines was meant to be mentioned there.]
"Oh." James nods. "Kids come out here a lot?"
"We aren't kids," the boy says.
"Sorry." James doesn't sound sorry, though. [James thinks they are practically fetuses. This is how I feel about the characters on the show.]
"I guess people hang out here," she says. "We're not supposed to, it's private property or whatever, but who cares? No one is ever here."
"Mmm." James considers that, then, to the boy, "You get good grades?" [I hope it was clear that this whole scene is basically James' coming-to-terms sequence. He's always going to see himself as pretty damaged and always faking success to outsiders, but when he looks at these two kids he just sees some teens who want to see the world outside their town. It's when he starts thinking about being a positive part of the town instead of just avoiding it, which is why he starts prying about things like grades.]
"Huh?"
"That's how you're supposed to get out of here. Good grades. Go to college."
"Whatever," the boy says. "School sucks."
The girl snorts. "I'm going to college." [Girl = me again.]
"Good," Kendall says.
"Yeah," James agrees. "And -- and both of you. I mean this. If you want to get out of here, you know, get good grades, and then... if you're in LA, look me up. I'll see if I can help you." [Aww, see, he's trying to be helpful.]
"Seriously?" the boy asks, eyes wide.
"Sure," James says. "Why not? Lots of people helped me. Especially Kendall." He nudges Kendall with his elbow. [James feels like 1) he will owe Kendall forever for getting him a shot at his dream; 2) he will owe Kendall forever for all the times Kendall was the one who he collapsed on. This is also when he starts thinking about how much Kendall has always centered his life around him.]
"You really mean it?" the girl asks.
"I really do." James pulls out his phone, asks for their names and numbers. He sends them on to Rob to keep in his contacts file, so he'll know who they are, keep his promise. [Look at me avoiding making up names for these children…] The kids stare at him with giant eyes. Kendall thinks that James just changed their lives, gave them something to work towards instead of just running away.
That's something James never had. For him, getting famous was always about getting away. Money, fame, girlfriends -- all of that was just a way of putting more distance between himself and this town. [You're supposed to come right out and state your character's motivations, right? Also I am annoyed at myself for listing "fame" as part of "getting famous." Good writing, self.]
"Jamie," Kendall says eventually. "I'm fucking freezing." [Did I mention it was cold?]
"Yeah. Yeah," James says, then, to the kids, "You driving?" Two identical head shakes. "Good. Okay. Help yourself." He nudges the few remaining cans of beer with his shoe. [Those cans were bottles in an earlier scene. Whoops.] They're lying abandoned in the mud. "Just don't be stupid. And I mean it, get your grades up."
"I will," the boy says. "Thank you, uh, Mr. Diamond." [And now he's won the kids over so instead of disaffected they're a little awestruck. More by his offering to help them than by the beer.]
"Oh, god. James. Just call me James," James says. He laughs and claps the boy on the shoulder, shoots the girl his most dazzling smile, and he and Kendall head back towards the car. Kendall turns on the heat, and now that they're in an enclosed space, he can smell the weed on James. He sighs and takes them home.
As they're falling asleep together, James still a little high, James says, "Why do you keep calling me that?"
"Hmm?" Kendall asks sleepily, and slides his hand across James' torso, feeling warm skin and defined muscles. For some reason this, curling up together, feels more intimate than sex somehow. [Ha ha! Clever counterpoint to the first time they had sex in the fic! Or that was my intention. Anyway, that felt less intimate to Kendall because he realized it's something James does all the time; this is not.]
"You keep calling me Jamie. You haven't since I was a kid."
"Don't know," Kendall admits and thinks about it. It just feels right. It's that when James is like this, vulnerable, not putting on a front, he seems young. Like the kid Kendall remembers, not the celebrity the rest of the world knows. Maybe that's silly or stupid, but this is his Jamie, the wrecked boy who showed up on his doorstep. He's not the world's James Diamond. Not right now. [Uh, for a guy who doesn't know why he's doing it, that's an awfully specific thought process.]
[Side note: I'm incredibly picky about when I like nicknames to be used in fic. They've never called him Jamie in canon that I remember, but I actually kind of love the idea that everyone called him that when he was much younger and he had a whole growing out of it period when he decided, in a very bratty manner, he was James and not Jamie, and it being something the guys use during really familial moments.]
"You mind?" Kendall murmurs, not even sure if James is awake.
James slurs, "Never minded b'fore," and rolls over, pulling Kendall into his arms. [Of course, if what I just typed were accurate in this fic, James would totally have minded previously, but that's not the point.]
They drift off like that.