Comic Relief Transcript Complete
Well here it is. Thanks to everyone who help me out before and thanks to
teskafuture for letting me compair my transcrpit with hers.
it's not exactly perfect. It gets confusing when they are talking over each other, but you get the idea.
Enjoy!
XX
Lauren Cooper (Catherine Tate)
Mr. Logan (David Tennant)
(Lauren and Lise are sitting in a classroom)
Lise-I can’t believe we’ve got double English.
Lauren- English is well dry
Lise- I don’t see what so great about reading anyways
Lauren- No, readings for loooosers.
Lise- Innit though. A’least we got a new teacher today
Lauren- yeah, right, that’ll be a laugh won’it
(Enter Mr. Logan/David Tennant)
Mr. Logan- Morning.
All- Allllright
Mr. Logan- As I’m sure you’re aware my name is Mr. Logan, I’m your new English teacher. Nice to meet you all. Hope you’re all ready to get to grips with some Elizabethan literature. Let all turn to page fifty three, in our poetry text books. I think we’ll dive straight in with the bard himself.
Lauren- Sir?
Mr. Logan- Yeah
Lauren- Are you English, sir?
Mr. Logan- No, I’m Scottish.
Lauren- So you ain’t English then.
Mr. Logan- No, I’m British.
Lauren- So you ain’t English then.
Mr. Logan- No I’m not but as you can see I do speak English.
Lauren- But I can’t understand what your saying, sir.
Mr. Logan- Well clearly you can.
Lauren- Sorry, are you talking Scottish now?
Mr. Logan- No, I’m talking English.
Lauren- Right. Don’t sound like it.
Mr. Logan- Okay, whatever you want. Now, let’s get on with Shakespeare.
Lauren- I don’t think you’re qualified to teach us English.
Mr. Logan- I am perfectly qualified to teach you English.
Lauren- I don’t fink you are though.
Mr. Logan- You don’t have to be English to teach it.
Lauren- Right, have we got double English, or double Scottish?
Mr. Logan- Is your name Lauren Cooper by any chance?
Lauren- Yeah. Why?
Mr. Logan- Your reputation precedes you.
Lauren- Innit though.
Mr. Logan- So, Shakespeare’s sonnets--
Lauren- Sir?
Mr. Logan- A sonnet is a poem--
Lauren- Sir?
Mr. Logan- --written in fourteen--
Lauren- Sir?
Mr. Logan- --lines--
Lauren- Sir?
Mr. Logan- -- the last two of which--
Lauren- Sir?
Mr. Logan- --must form a rhyming couplet--
Lauren- Sir?
Mr. Logan- Yes Lauren!
Lauren- Can I aks you a question?
Mr. Logan- Not just now.
Lauren- Can I aks you a question now?
Mr. Logan- Just wait.
Lauren- But can I just aks you a question? I only want to aks you a question. Can’t I aks you a question? I’m just aksing you a question. Can’t I aks you a question?
Mr. Logan- What is it?
Lauren- Are you the Doctor?
Mr. Logan- Doctor Who?
Lise & Lauren- It is you!
(All laugh)
Mr. Logan I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Lauren- You look like Doctor Who though!
Mr. Logan I’m not Doctor Who, I’m your English teacher.
Lauren- I don’t think you are though.
Mr. Logan- Lauren.
Lauren- I think you’re a nine hundred and forty five year old Time Lord.
Mr. Logan- Listen.
Lauren- Did you just pitch up from Mars?
Mr. Logan- Don’t be ridiculous.
Lauren- You know your house, right.
Mr. Logan- What?
Lauren- You know your house?
Mr. Logan- Yeah.
Lauren- Is it bigger on the inside?
Mr. Logan- Be quiet.
Lauren- Have you parked the TARDIS on a meter?
Mr. Logan- Can we please get back to Shakespeare!
Lauren- *fhuh* (sits back into chair)
Mr. Logan- Thank you. So--
Lauren- Do you fancy Billie Piper sir?
Mr. Logan- Right. (stands up) You are the most insolent child I have ever had the misfortune to teach!
Lauren- Thank you.
Mr. Logan- You’re pointless, repetitious and extremely dull.
Lauren- A bit like Shakespeare.
Mr. Logan- You’re not even worthy to mention his name, William Shakes -- William Shakespeare was a genius, you, little madam are definitely not. Now just sit there and keep your mouth shut or I will fail you in this whole module right now!
Lauren- *fhuh* Ammist I bovvered? Ammist I bovvered forsooth?
Mr. Logan- Lauren.
Lauren- Looketh at my face.
Mr. Logan- I don’t--
Lauren- Looketh at my face.
Mr. Logan- Stop it.
Lauren- Is this a bovvered face thou see before thee?
Mr. Logan- Right, I’m calling your parents.
Lauren- Are you disrespecting the house of Cooper?! Are thou calling my mother a pox ridden wench?
Mr. Logan- Enough.
Lauren- Are thou calling my father a goodly rotten apple?
Mr. Logan- Lauren.
Lauren- But he ain’t even a goodly rotten apple.
Mr. Logan- Listen to me.
Lauren- But he ain’t even a goodly rotten apple, though.
Mr. Logan- That’s enough.
Lauren- Face, is -
Mr. Logan- Lauren.
Lauren- --bovvered--
Mr. Logan- Lauren, enough.
Lauren- --Look at it--
Mr. Logan- Enough
Lauren- --Look at it--
Mr. Logan- --Stop, that’s it--
Lauren- But my liege--
Mr. Logan- -- No, stop--
Lauren- --My liege --
Mr. Logan- --Shh, enough--
Lauren- --My liege --
Mr. Logan- -- No--
Lauren- --My liege --
Mr. Logan- --Enough--
Lauren- --Bovverd, face, this, bovvered--
Mr. Logan- --Lauren--
Lauren- *Scottish accent* You take the high road and I’ll take the low. *normal voice* I ain’t even bovvered. I ain’t bovvered. Look, face, bovvered, bovvered, face, bovvered, I ain’t even bovvered. My liege, I be not bovvered forsooth, I be not bovvered. Face, bovvered, I ain’t even bovvered, face, bovvered, Shakespeare, sonnets, I ain’t even bovvered.
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun,
Coral is far more red than her lips' red.
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfurmes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.
I grant I never saw a goddess go:
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
(Bangs desk) Bite me, alien boy!
Mr. Logan- (pulls out sonic screwdriver and uses it on Lauren, who turns into Rose Tyler action figure) That’s better. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Lauren/Rose Tyler action figure- I still ain’t bovvered.
------------
For those who want to know the sonnet that Lauren quotes is Sonnet 130